An Imperfect Circle (27 page)

It sucks because I’d rather have him close too but I’m feeling vulnerable in my near-nudity and I’m not about to lose a game of chicken because he comes too close.

I take a deep breath and awkwardly tug my t-shirt off. I stand tall and proud as he looks at me. Or at least I try. I’m not going to cower like a scared little girl. That’s definitely not who I am anymore.

He maintains eye contact for a while, like he’s trying to reassure me that my body isn’t as important to him as I am. I appreciate the gesture but I kind of wish he’d get it over with so I can breathe again.

Eventually, his gaze travels slowly over my white and blue bra, detailing the red bows on the straps, then moves down, over my stomach to the matching boy shorts with their red lace trim.

I didn’t buy these undies with him in mind. I bought them because, since Becky and I first went shopping together, I’ve fallen in love with this colour combination.

However, with Karl’s eyes sparkling in obvious appreciation, I’m extremely glad I’m not wearing my sports bra and multipack knickers. I may just burn the lot.

The first thing I notice as I relax and we inspect each other, is that this doesn’t feel wrong. It feels like innocent curiosity, like we’re learning more about each other without any pressure for there to be something more.

I love the way he has a mole on the inside of his left thigh. I sort of want to draw circles around it with my finger.

“
Can I see your back?” I prompt because that’s like fifty percent of him that I’m missing out on.

He looks at me like it’s a weird request but obliges me by turning round.

There’s no impatience, he’s perfectly comfortable letting me admire him and I guess you would be if you had a body like his.

Just. Wow.

There’s a dip in his back from between his shoulder blades to the curve which begins just above his boxers.

The weirdest thought strikes me and I imagine licking all the way down it. I shake my head to rid myself of the images and go back to
cataloguing the other fifty percent of him.

Honestly, I’d be hard pressed to tell you which fifty percent I like best.

His shoulders are wrapped in muscle like a bow on the very best present possible. I long to trace my fingers over them but I was the one that instigated the no touching policy and I can’t go back on that.

“
My turn?” He asks unhurriedly, turning his head to look at me.

It’s almost unnerving how much I don’t mind his eyes on my mostly naked form. I guess because he saw me naked when we were children mucking around in the paddling pool, I’m slightly prepared for it.

Although our bodies bare no resemblance to those times. Honestly, I think it might just be Karl. It’s like he’s the part of me I’ve been missing for the past five years.

I turn around, letting him look at my back as he did with me only I’m not quite as patient because it means I can’t look at him.

I can almost feel his eyes on me even with my own shut tightly. I don’t need to look to know that he’s moved closer to me. I can feel his warmth radiating against my skin.

Despite the fact that he’s moved closer, he doesn’t touch me and I appreciate it. Honestly, at this point, I’m not sure whether I’d kick him in the balls if he touched me or launch myself at him for some more kissing but I’m not willing to take the
risk.

I sort of fee
l the mood change when he’s done and I turn around slowly to meet his eye.

“
Are you uncomfortable like this?” He asks, keeping his hands clasped into fists by his sides. It’s almost like he’s scared he’ll touch me if he doesn’t keep them clasped like that.

“
No,” I reply honestly, because I’m not.

“
You don’t mind when I touch you here,” he holds his hand a few inches from my hip and looks at me with a question in my eyes.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I nod because I’m practically naked and we both know this is different from when he puts his hand there when we both have clothes on.

I focus on his image in my mind as I feel the first gentle touch his fingers and I barely flinch because I’m in my sanctuary, I’m safe, and his cinnamon breath is inches from my face.

“
This okay?” He asks cautiously.

I nod and feel him breathe a sigh of relief as he gently squeezes my hip.

“Thank fuck,” he mutters and I can hear him grinning. “I love this spot right here.” He strokes the sensitive spot just on the inside of my hipbone and I do my best not to squirm because he knows it tickles.

I feel emboldened by the fact that this is okay and smile as I open my eyes. He’s grinning back at me and we both feel the barrier we just broke through.

“I have an idea,” Karl smirks.

I grimace because this doesn’t look like the sort of idea I’m going to like but I’ve come this far so I wait for him to explain.

He takes a seat in my desk chair and I can’t help but notice he’s still rising to the occasion. He notices me looking and his smirk grows.

“
You’re basically naked, darlin’. He’s not going anywhere. You want me to cover him up?”

“
No,” I sigh, because I’m kind of getting used to his irritatingly alert presence and Karl definitely hasn’t made me feel uncomfortable about it. If anything his joking around has put me at ease.

“
Come here?” He widens the distance between his knees and beckons me closer, holding out his hand in expectance of mine.

I place my hand in his as I stand between his legs, looking down at him.

“Put my hand where I’m okay to touch.” He looks up at me in earnest. There are no selfish motives here. He’s trying to understand how he can make me comfortable. “If you show me where I can touch you, I’ll never touch you anywhere else unless you explicitly tell me to.”

I’d be unsure about this if it weren’t for the way he’s looking at me like I’m the most important thing in his world. It spurs me on and our exploration begins.

I’m not sure how much time passes but I set clear borders and by the time we’ve moved from my feet to my hips, my body is far too warm.

I take his index finger and trace my collarbones and the edge of my bra but that’s all I can bring myself to do. It’s Karl that pulls away when I start struggl
ing and he moves his hand to the safety of my hipbone whilst I settle down.

He’s in the process of boldly pressing a kiss to the little dip at the bottom of my ri
b cage when we hear the very obvious sound of the front door opening and adult voices entering the house.

The mad dash for clothes is almost comical, or at least it would be if I wasn’t partaking. I mean, we’re not technically doing anything wrong but I still don’t think mum would look too kindly upon finding me in my undies with an equally naked teenage boy.

No matter how cool she thinks she is.

Karl grins at me because it took him all of ten seconds to pull his jeans up and drag his t-shirt over his head and I’m still doing up the button on my skinny jeans.

He’s still got the slightly obvious bulge in his trousers and I have to turn away as his hand dives down his pants to adjust it.

“We best go say hello,” I grumble once I’ve righted my dishevelled clothes.

He nods his head in acceptance and follows me to the door. I’m halfway through opening it when I feel his lips on my cheek and I still because his warmth against my back is comforting.

I find myself cursing because the added barrier of clothing feels much thicker now than it did before we explored one another. Before he explored me, I correct myself because it was definitely one-sided and I intend to get my fair share when the chance arises.

“
Thank you, Elise. I love that you did that for me,” he whispers in my ear, his strong hands on my hips.

“
For us,” I whisper back because I think we needed it to move forward.”

“
I love you, Elise,” he murmurs against my skin as he turns me around to place a kiss on my lips.

It saves me the awkwardness of not answering his declaration of love and I’m wondering if that’s why he did it until his tongue sweeps over my lip again a
nd then I forget all about that.

I lead him by the hand as we make our way down the staircase
but I’m brought to a startling halt as we reach the bottom of the staircase.

“
Bear… what are you doing?” I choke because I sort of don’t want to know.

His hands are exploring underneath my mum’s clothes in a way that is definitely less innocent than the exploratory session Karl and I just had.

“Glowbug,” Bear blurts, breaking away from where he has my mum pinned to the wall and immediately removing his hands.

His eyebrow ring tilts to the side as he sort of stares at me
and his mouth gapes but no words come out.

“
Elise!” Mum recovers her composure and pulls her shirt down. “What are you doing home?”

“
I live here,” I retort, blinking my eyes in an attempt to scrub my eyeballs clean.

“
I thought you were going to be at Karl’s house,” she narrows her eyes at me in accusation.

“
We came here instead,” I answer with a hint of sarcasm because it doesn’t matter that we’re here, I shouldn’t need to phone in advance to come to my own home.

“
Just you two? On your own?” She sharpens her tone slightly

Cecile is out on a date with a police officer she’s been seeing but I hadn’t known mum and Bear would be out when I got in. How could I have?

“Yes mum. Unless you took in any hobos whilst I was at school.”

Mum grits her teeth and switches to French. It’s a go-to move when she doesn’t want people around us to know that she’s not in her carefree hippy mode.

“I’m not sure how I feel about the two of you being alone in your room without adult supervision.”

“
Mum,” I reply in English. “Karl took French at school until he was 16.” I look sidewise at him because I know it’s true but he doesn’t look happy with me bringing him into the discussion.

“
Ehm,” Karl hedges. “J’aime les pommes de terre?”

Clearly that’s the extent of his French language skills and the random interjection causes my mum’s resolve to waver slightly as her lips fight to smile.

I can’t believe she’s annoyed at me and Karl for being in my room when we just caught her being felt up by Bear.

Bear!

I mean, seriously? When did this happen?

“
You alright, glowbug?” Bear asks me seriously.

“
No!” I snap. “What the hell are you doing?”

“
Elise!” Mum glares at me. “Don’t speak to Bear like that.”

“
It’s alright Corinne, she’s just upset.”

“
Upset doesn’t cover it,” I grit, clutching Karl’s hand for all I’m worth. I’m fairly sure I’m hurting him but he doesn’t complain.

“
Let’s sit down and talk about this, shall we?” Bear offers, calm and collected as ever.

I glare at him and maintain my spot by the staircase even as I watch him move into the lounge.

Karl gives me a look. The look he gives me when I’m being stubborn. I don’t care. I just watched Bear – the only adult male I’ve let close to me in the past five years – grope my mum in front of me.

I’m not moving.

“Elise,” Karl sighs.

I shake my head adamantly.

“Elise,” he tries again only to get the same response. “Have it your way,” he smirks before he bends over and heaves me over his shoulder.

“
Karl Carter!” I screech. “Put me down.”

“
Love it when you say my name, darlin’,” he chuckles to himself as I smash my fists against his back.

Did I say his back was perfect? I take it back. It’s an irritating,
frustrating back, just like the man attached to it.

He doesn’t flinch, just carries me into the lounge and drops me in the sofa.

I make to get up and he shoves me down again, settling into the seat next to me and wrapping his arm around my shoulders so I can’t get up. His grip is strong but he’s not hurting me.

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to hurt him though.

“Just hear the guy out, Elise. You owe him that much.”

I still because he’s right. And that just
annoys me more. I swallow my pride and glare at Bear, waiting for an explanation.

“
Me and your mum,” Bear begins, smiling tenderly at mum. “We got on well from day one.”

I know this. Why is he telling me this?

“But Corinne wasn’t interested,” he smiles to himself. “Because she didn’t want to make things harder for you. She didn’t think it was a good idea to bring a new man into your life after what happened to you. And I accepted that.”

I swallow and look up at my mum because I didn’t know that. The discomfort on her face tells me it’s true.

“You were so cautious and sad when I first met you, glowbug. I understood your mum’s hesitance so I became her friend instead.

I don’t regret that because I got to know you as well and you’re like a daughter me. I wouldn’t change a thing because your phone calls and MSMs make my day.
”

“
SMS,” I grumble, uncomfortable with his affection because I’m still trying to be angry with him.

“
But now that you’ve re-found Karl,” he looks at Karl and offers a kind smile. “We thought that since you were moving forwards, maybe we could to.”

“
You and mum are…”

“
Together,” he nods. “And I couldn’t be happier.”

I look to mum and I don’t need to ask her if she’s happy because I know it’s true. She’s been s
miling twenty-four seven since Bear arrived and I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner.

She loves him.

“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.

“
Say what you feel,” Bear encourages.

“
Confused,” I reply instantly. “A bit oblivious,” I smirk because I can’t believe I thought Bear was sleeping on the floor. “Touched,” I conclude because I can’t believe they had so much consideration for me.

I definitely couldn’t have handled mum having a boyfriend back then and I don’t know what I’d do without Bear and his wise words in my life.

“This doesn’t change anything, glowbug,” Bear assures me. “I’ll always be here for you in whatever way you need me.”

I think Karl actually growls at this and I know it’s because he wants to be the one who’s there for me and not because he’s threatened by Bear so I let it slide.

“I know,” I nod. “I’m sorry I overreacted.”

“
No need to be sorry, Elise,” Bear grins. “We understand.”

Mum nods and comes to sit on the arm of Bear’s chair. It’s not strange to me to see him place his hand on her
waist. They’ve always been close. I’ve seen them kissing tonnes of times, I just never gave it much thought because a lot of people in the community do that and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

We sit in silence for a few seconds and I study my mum. I can tell she was worried how I’d handle this and I try to reassure her that I’m okay with it with my expression.

Mum’s been through a lot too. She deserves to be happy and who better than Bear?

“
Karl,” mum turns to the guy with his hand latched around my shoulder once she returns my smile. “Since you’re here, would you mind giving me a hand with something in the kitchen?”

“
Sure, Ms Belrose,” Karl nods, squeezing my waist before he unfolds himself from the sofa to follow my mum.

She rolls her eyes because she’s given up trying to get him to call her by her given name. His dad has drilled manners into him and they’re not going anywhere.

“You two look happy,” Bear looks at me once we’re alone.

“
Definitely happy,” I nod. “I feel like I’m Elise again.”

He beams at this and I can see that he’s as pleased about
it as I am.

“
You don’t expect me to call you dad or anything now do you?” I wrinkle my nose at him.

“
No.” His eyes widen in shock. “I’d feel old.”

“
Good,” I chuckle. He’ll always be Bear to me but that’s not a bad thing.

He smiles at me with his perfectly white teeth and I sigh and relax into the sofa.

“He says he loves me,” I mumble.

“
And what do you say to that?” He replies, completely unfazed.

“
Nothing,” I wince. “I’m not sure what love is.”

Bear looks contemplative and I can see this
is something he needs to think about before answering.

“
You never told me what you thought about, Karl,” I say, to give him time to mull it over.

“
Because it shouldn’t matter what I think about him, glowbug. This is one of those cases where you’re opinion is the only one that matters.”

“
But I want to know,” I insist.

“
Why?” He cocks his head at me, his eyebrow ring tilting to the side as it always does.

“
Because your opinion is important to me,” I frown because he should know that.

He chuckles.
“You sure you want to know? What if I can’t stand him? Will that change how you feel about him?”

I purse my lips and think about it. Really think about it. Honestly, much as I value Bear’s opinion, it wouldn’t change the way I feel about him. It’s like he’s in my veins and my body recognises him
as part of me.

“
I didn’t think so,” his chuckle deepens. “That’s how it should be, Elise.”

“
How what should be?”

“
Love.”

“
But I still don’t know if I know what love is.”

“
Let me see if I can put this in terms you’ll understand,” Bear grins, looking up thoughtfully. “You know when you have a project in mind but you need very specific wood to make it work?”

I nod because I know exactly what he means.

“You need a wood that’s a certain colour, with a certain pattern, no knots. You need one with a certain amount of give, a slight bend or no bend at all. You need one that will react to water in just the right way. There are so many factors that need to line up just right.

You might find a wood that feels right in your hand but that doesn’t sound right, or doesn’t smell right.

You might find a wood that you love the look of but that crumbles under pressure.

There are many different ways in which you can love the wood you use for your project and many of those will do the end product justice.

But there will always be that one kind of wood that would have ticked all the boxes.

Now, in some cases, you would have to travel to the deepest depths of a jungle far away to source your wood. In fact, this is probably true for most cases but every no
w and then there will be a woodworker who happens to already live in that jungle and who has the same project in mind.

That wood worker is lucky enough to have everything he needs, right at his feet.

That’s true love. When the person you meet ticks every box, meets every need.