Authors: G.V. Steitz
“
Remember when Lizzy helped me blow out the candles for my 5
th
anniversary of being cancer free?” Emma weakly asked me.
“
I do, you looked angelic.” I told her softly as I ran my finger around her face, needing to be constantly touching her in some way. Not to assure her, but mostly to calm me.
“
God did grant my wish you know.” She whispered, after thanking John for her pain medication and tea, before he quietly left our room.
“
Really? May I ask what the wish was, since God has already fulfilled it?” I asked.
“
I asked God to let me see my children grow up, I didn’t want to leave you to do it all alone.” She told me as she smiled, looking up into my eyes.
“
Oh, Baby Doll, I love you forever and ever. You’ll always be mine. Never ever forget that Baby, Always be mine.” I said to her gently as I held her. After that, little did I know, I only had hours left with my Emma. The night before she said her goodbye’s to each one of our children. Privately, and one at a time, Emma spoke with both of them. She told them how deeply she loved them both. How much it would mean to her to watch over me, naturally. To be whatever they wanted to be as adults, to love themselves and be proud of their accomplishments and of who they were as people, as she already was of both of them. Emma told our children that no matter what anyone says, to be who they were destined to be, “To be true to yourself, was half battle.” She told each of them. She said, not to allow me to mope around too long, I think she gave them a time frame come to think of it, which gets me to chuckle just thinking back to that moment.
She told Nathan to always respect women, and their needs as I had shown them how I always treated her throughout our marriage. To make sure if he ever decided to marry, to ask for the father
’s blessing. No matter who, what sex, age, creed or race that person was. It always demonstrates respect. She told Nathan, how I did that, when I asked her for her fathers blessing to marry Emma. To follow his dreams, no matter where they take him, and to always stay close with family, never leaving them out of his life. After Nathan promised her everything, as the beautiful Son that he is, Emma gave him her Emerald ring I gave to her when Nathan was born. She said it was his to give to whomever he felt deserved it when the time came. It broke my heart to hear Nathan cry for his mother. It made me cry for both of them. I couldn’t help but listen outside the bedroom to their conversations. John of course, told Emma on me after Nathan left, trader.
Emma smirked at me, giving a wink.
“I know how nosey you are Matthew. Just pretend you didn’t hear my private conversations. It makes our children feel very special to know I took them both aside to speak with each of them privately. And no, I am not mad sweetheart, I completely understand, I would do the same damn thing if I am being perfectly honest.” She smiled, rolled her eyes making me chuckle.
When Emma spoke with Lizzy, Emma reassured our beautiful daughter of mostly the same things she has said to Nathan, except the female version, I suppose.
She told Lizzy how to move forward after she grieved, and to not give in to her father’s despair in having her baby-sit him day in and day out. I smirked when I heard that. I knew it was intended for me to hear, I laughed. She told her to never except anyone’s abuse whether it was physical, emotional, or mental, there was never an excuse for it ever, not even once. Of course, she did however stress that if her father ever had wind of someone hurting her, he and Nathan would be sure to pound him, with a steel bat. “That’s my girl.” I softly said into the door that was closed off from me entering.
Emma then gave her family heirloom diamond broach, as well as her engagement ring from me.
“My mother was given this from her mother, and I was given it from mine. And now my angel, I give it to you, my daughter.” Emma told her softly, as I heard Lizzy, crying into her mother’s arms. Emma told Lizzy how much she loved to wear the ring I gave her, and had not once taken it off of her hand, except at this moment to give it to her.
“
Why did we have to lose you, baby doll? Why couldn’t God take me? I’m older. I should have been the first one to die. Not you.” I cried as I yelled at her headstone.
Her last morning was something I will never forget. She told me months before that if she started talking about seeing her family in our room or was talking out loud to them, it really wasn
’t going to be much longer. When I heard her gasp at what she said she was seeing. With both her parents in a huge field of flowers, I knew she was almost home with them. She tried stay strong for me, and the kids. She tried fighting it up to that moment, I held her hand, bringing it to my lips, and I brushed my lips across her knuckles and rose from the chair next to her, to kiss my beautiful Emma. “I love forever; you’ll always be mine baby.” I whispered into her ear.
“
I love you forever, and I’ll always be with you Matthew.” She winced and groaned again. I watched as a tear rolled down her cheek. I knew she was in so much pain, I couldn’t take it any longer. She was waiting for me to tell her it was ok. I leaned down, kissing her last tear away. I gently brushed my lips across her forehead. I kissed her little nose, and both her cheeks. “Its ok baby, I’ve got you. You can go home if you need to baby, I will see you soon. Before you know it, I will be with again.” I said, holding in my tears that desperately wanted to fall. And with her dying breath, she whispered she loved me, and I leaned over and kissed her soft lips one last time with Emma breathing. “Thank you my brave girl. Thank you for a wonderful life together.” I told her. She took a sharp intake of air a few times. And her last breath, she whispered, “You’ll “Always Be Mine,” my love.” Her eyes glazed over at that moment.
“
Matthew, can see how beautiful is here? My parents are here. I don’t hurt anymore, Matthew.” She barely said out loud. Emma squeezed my fingers, and let out one last breath. Her hand fell limp in my hand as I held onto hers, and I had the privilege of being with the love of my life, watching her leave me. I stopped breathing. I don’t know how much time passed when I finally loudly gasped for air, and I screamed as loud as I could. I knew the kids weren’t home; Emma didn’t want their last memory of her to be their Mother’s last breath. My parents were now living with us indefinitely. They were with the kids, thankfully.
I sucked in another gasp of air after I couldn
’t scream anymore, and howled the air back out again.
I kept her fragile hand in mine. I cried like I never had before in my life. I lay over my Emma
’s body, and wailed like never before.
I don
’t remember much of her wake or funeral. All I remember is watching Emma.
Emma taught me so much throughout our life together. Our passion for each other never dulled, I have been in love with Emma ever since the first day I met her. Do I believe in love at first site? Absolutely. Not everyone is as lucky as we were to find each other.
I took out our favorite bottle of merlot, and two glasses and cork screw. I know John packed this for our picnic. Emma made him promise I would go. Taped to the bottle was an envelope, Emma wrote me a letter.
~Matthew, forever true love
was written on the envelope.
I hold the envelope in my hand, that can
’t stop trembling.
I turn it over and it says
OPEN ME ALREADY!
Making me laugh as tears fell from my burning eyes.
I held the letter close to my chest as if were sacred. With shaky hands, I opened the envelope carefully.
DATE: April 21
st
, 2012
My loving, husband, Matthew;
If you are reading this, I know you and I are having the picnic you promised to take me on.
I made sure that John securely placed this in the picnic basket, after he assured me he would be the one to fix our basket for us.
This is a love letter to you. You will find more that I hid in different places that I knew you would find at appropriate times to help you cope better. I know you Matthew; I know you are taking this very hard. There would be nothing better, than to continue to grow old with you, my love. But our fate has been sealed, since before I found you. Time is no longer on our side in the form we know of.
I
’m still with you Matthew; I will always be with you. I will never forget the first time you told me “You’ll Always Be Mine.” As you, are mine as well.
Our love story isn
’t over my sweetheart, it’s still continuing. Just in a different form.
I know I am no longer in pain, I know I will always be watching over you and our children. Do you think something as silly as dying is going to stop us from being in love with each other? Do you think I wouldn
’t continue to love you, as you will me? You and I both know, we will continue our love affair for one another.
I realize this is a struggle for right now. The pain won
’t go away, but it will dull eventually. Time heals remember?
I am sure I am going to be talking to a brick wall right now, but I want you to really pay attention to me please. As if you have a choice. *wink*
I start to laugh again as I continue to cry.
Don
’t cry sad tears for me, my love. Honor our love we share, and for the love we have for our beautiful children. Be happy, we are only in this world once, and it goes by so quickly, as you know. In a blink of an eye, we are here and then gone. You have many more years ahead of you to celebrate life with our children.
I lived the best life I could have ever imagined, thanks to you, sweetheart. I wanted for nothing. You were my best friend. My best lover. My best everything, and if the time ever comes that you can find yourself someone special to help you through life, I encourage you, DEEPLY, to take a chance on that. Do not waste the beautiful gift God gave you my darling husband. God gave you the capability to love beyond any one I have ever known. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen. Don
’t waste too much time, mourning over my passing. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel you are betraying me or our marriage, because you are not. You are a strong, loving, beautiful and “sexy” *wink* man. I doubt you will jumping in the “single scene” any time soon, but don’t rule it out. Believe me; I will make sure to send you someone perfect.
You have so much love to offer darling. Please don
’t carry a sad heart. Don’t be afraid to love and be loved. When the time comes, we will celebrate together. Until then, LIVE for me, for our children, for us. Don’t stop living.
I will always love you, as I know, you will always love me. Now, pour us a glass of our favorite wine, and make a toast to us.
I love you Matthew. I would have never made it this far without you.
I will always be yours,
Your Emma, Baby Doll.
P.S. Do
NOT
go home and look for the other letters. You won’t find them. Believe me. You know I am much better at hiding things than you are. XoXo.. E~
After I read the letter Emma left me, for the fifth time, crying through it each time, I felt good about what she told me. I lay down on the blanket next to Emma.
“You always did like to have the last word baby.” I said out loud to her.
After I said my good byes for the day, telling her I would be back soon to visit, I couldn
’t wait to get home to start looking for my other love letters. I didn’t feel so alone any more. Emma gave me hope to feel she was right with me even after her passing; she was still right beside me. I could almost feel her squeeze my hand as we walked back to the car. Love knows no time, and Love never dies…