Authors: Pepper Ellison
Gross. No. And I don’t know what you’re talking about with the Mr. Dickhead stuff. Lachie has been at the Blue Volcano for the last three nights totally hammered, shouting the whole pub, spending money he doesn’t have. WTF is that all about? You dump him too?
Are there any other recent exes on this boat? Exactly how many of us did you have on the go? We could form a club.
Friday 2
nd
May 9.24pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
So you don’t know? I was afraid you did.
You were right about Lachie. He’s a hunter. The day after he got what he wanted—no more like the second he got what he wanted—he Lachie-uncut me. It stung a little but not really. Then a few days later Jac is showing me pics on her phone and a message flashes up “Where U @ dirty girl?” from Lachie. Jac’s face. Guilty as charged. They’d been sexting for months. I felt so stupid. And God, it would almost be bearable if that was the worst part.
Cristina drove over to the backpacker’s.
Lachie, wasted on mead: “You can’t be serious, Cristina. You look like a chick with actual brains!” Olaf: “Eet vas a joke, gell. Gahd, dont yoo gells noh ven yoo are bee-ink scammed?”
It was a bet. Bang Dorothy on the yacht and win five-hundred bucks.
I should have listened to you but I didn’t. I’m an idiot. They don’t make gells dumber than me.
I’m trying to be a good sport so I don’t wither and die of humiliation. I’ve ordered Fat Yaks for you and Mr. Poker Face. Another Seasick Cocktail for me. Look up and to the left a little bit. Say cheese to the camera. Here’s to you and Lachie and every man on the planet being worlds smarter than me.
Friday 2
nd
May 9.25pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
MFG!!! What are you dojng!
Friday 2
nd
May 11.01pm
—near Honolulu Harbor—
In the ambo. If they ask you for a statement, say you didn’t see.
Saturday 3
rd
May 12.36am
—Pali Momi Medical Center—
Just out of X-ray. Fractured zygomatic arch. Everything else is just bruises. It’s fine.
Saturday 3
rd
May 1.39am
—Pali Momi Medical Center—
Lachie went home about an hour ago. I didn’t manage to land many blows and I’m assuming you saw that. But I’m awesome at ducking and weaving, right? Even carrying ten Fat Yaks. They’ve just given me some splendid drugs. Hmmm, hillbilly heroin.
Saturday 3
rd
May 3.12am
—Pali Momi Medical Center—
You’re going to be shocked, I know, but this is not the first time I’ve had my arse handed to me, and not even the first time it was Lachie. I’m actually really lucky he was so smashed, because he’s, like, a black belt.
I am shit at fighting. And you saw me get totally owned. Lachie was all grace and power, and I was like one of those beavers popping out of the holes in the arcade game.
Did they ask you for a statement?
Basically they said if they charge Lachie with assault then he gets deported, and if we get done for affray then we both do. Then I get to go back to Belmont, where I will be so warmly welcomed by my community! Hooray!
The cops were stunned to learn that two totally maggoted Aussie blokes snotted the crap out of each other over a sheila. Apparently this is a first for the Honolulu constabulary. We are such excellent ambassadors for our country.
I’ll find out tomorrow.
Saturday 3
rd
May 3.14am
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner. I’m at Cristina’s and I just woke up. By the time I got back downstairs to the dining area, they had you two in boat jail and wouldn’t let me in. I can’t believe there’s actually a real life brig on the Star of Oahu Dinner Cruise. There’s a sick bay, too. I know this because after the dust settled, those Seaside Cocktails hit me between the eyes and they had to lay me down on a cot and pull a blanket over me. At least they didn’t turn the boat around. At least Cristina and Simon still got to eat some of that excellent sushi before carrying me out.
Saturday 3
rd
May 3.16am
—Pali Mali Medical Center—
Soooo.
Just throwing it out there.
Wanna go to Sydney Uni?
Saturday 3
rd
May 3.19am
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
You’re high on Vicodin or whatever dope they gave you. You’re drunk, high, and probably have a concussion, too. You probably won’t remember asking it so I’m deleting it. You do the same. We’ll pretend you never wrote it.
Saturday 3rd May 3.24am
—near Honolulu, HI—
We didn’t break up because it wasn’t working, Millsy. We broke up because it was. Come with me to Sydney. Just until your courses start.
Saturday 2
nd
May 3.27am
—near Honolulu, HI—
Please
?
Friday 2
nd
May 3.31am
—near Honolulu, HI—
You’re always, always making me beg for you, Millsy.
Friday 2
nd
May 3.43am
—near Honolulu, HI—
Please?
Saturday 3
rd
May 3.47am
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
How’s your face? No better yet, how’s Lachie’s face? You landed a couple good ones. I hope you broke his jaw.
Saturday 3
rd
May 4.18am
—near Wahiawa, HI—
I’m in a cab headed back to North Shore. Winding through the pineapple fields.
I didn’t break his jaw but I did tell him about us. That you were special to me. You would have enjoyed the look on his face. He never saw it coming.
He thought I tried to smack three shades of shit out of him on principle.
We talked in emergency. For ages.
He is really angry with me about Fi. He loves her. They are really good friends and he said he feels like he has to choose, and he chooses her because I’m an arsehole.
Fair enough.
Lachie will be ok in the long run. We needed a break from each other anyway. It has been weird since I moved out. He’s not at my doorstep with a hacky sack or a beer or a board. We have to kind of make an appointment to see each other. It’s just wrong. Stale. Over.
Lachie and I are breaking up.
We had a long yarn about you.
About the bet. He said he couldn’t ever impress you. He was always slogging his guts out.
The Jac thing was easier, he said. He’s not a feminist, so I snotted him.
But it’s not just about how gross all that is. And shame on Olaf too. I thought he was better than that. But then, you know, Viking, so maybe not.
Because you see - the thing is, I called dibs. It was a silent dibs, but I called it all the same. I called it on day one. So it was deeply offensive to me that Lachie continued to pursue you. He violated the bro code!
You have always been my girl.
Lachie’s like, ‘but you can’t silently call dibs on a girl if you are engaged to a different girl’, as if the heart is so wieldy.
Maybe his is. My heart is a fcken brumby. Spry, crude, windswept, feral. I have no idea what it’s going to do next.
Saturday 3
rd
May 4.20am
—near Wahiawa, HI—
No seriously, wanna come and ride this brumby?
Seriously, Sydney is very civilised. There’s lattes and art and theatre and everything.
Come with me. Just for a little while.
It could be a holiday.
BYO yacht.
Saturday 3
rd
May 4.22am
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
*googles brumby*
A wild horse! We have those, too! MUSTANGS!
Yes, I will come with you. Until school starts. Then I have to get busy making my mark and leave all thoughts of love behind. But until then, I will pin you down and kiss your face and listen to you tell me you love me. Where are you? I don’t care if I haven’t slept yet. I want to come see you.
(My mother is going to throw a fit.)
Saturday 3
rd
May 4.42am
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
Hello? You there?
Saturday 3
rd
May 4.52am
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
Fat Yaks and hillbilly heroin have done their job, I’m guessing. Goodnight
.
I’ll be at Cristina’s for a couple days. Until the alcohol and antihistamines are done coursing through my veins.
Sunday 4th May 1.13pm
—Coral Café—
I went out with your mother. ;) No, just to talk about this. I had to win her over!
She said no.
Saturday 4
th
May 1.29pm
—Private Residence near Honolulu—
I know. She just called. Told me you’d met with her. I’m staying at Cristina’s a little longer. Hiding out until Lilah’s cooled off. It doesn’t matter what she says. I’m an adult and I’m coming with you.
Monday 5
th
May 9.50am
—near North Shore Hostel—
Sorry I haven’t been answering your calls. I turned my phone off for a bit.
I took Lachie to the airport yesterday. I had to kind of give that moment my full attention.
We had this long clumsy man hug, because it’s over, and we both know that when we are old men this will be the year that makes us misty… what was it? Verklempt.
I had to draw a line under it. Do you get that? You know I’m into that. Acknowledging a significant moment in time with a bit of silence and stillness.
Yeah, your mum’s not so thrilled about you following a convict half way across the world. She just didn’t realise how many of us Aussie are! Or at least descended from one.
(An Aussie making a convict joke is kind of like Kansanite talking about twisters. Crikey!)
In the end it was disorderly conduct, which is a misdemeanour.
Anyway, when I took Lilah for coffee, I told her that I love you. I’m not trying to take you away from her. It’s just I have to leave. My visa is being withdrawn!
She told me about what happened when you were five. She said she was on the third storey of your house (your house has three storeys!) and you were right there one minute, and then the next minute she looked out the window and you were in the pool. There was a ball floating across the top of the water. Obviously the ball went into the pool, and you followed it.
You’re in the pool, face-down, wriggling and splashing, not making any headway. She’s leaping the stairs screaming. Each flight she glances out the window at you splashing and sinking. Writhing, sinking.
You didn’t drown, but it was a near thing.
She blames herself. For that – for not paying close enough attention - but also because for years after that, any time you were near water she would grab your arm, or blurt out, ‘be careful’. Lilah believes she basically taught you to be phobic.
She told me that you’d both been to therapy about it, and you were making progress, but then the other thing happened. The push.
And you got so stressed and freaked out that she withdrew you from the school. Lilah has massive guilt about it. You need to help her out with that.
She liked what I did with you in the water. Did you know she used to come and watch? Slouching on that bench, up near where that catamaran is parked, big sunnies on, peeking over a newspaper. She saw the noggin thing. She knew about me the whole time, Millsy.