He nodded, his breathing hastened, he screamed out, “Yes, Mommy. That’s what’s fucking me.”
“Okay, baby.” I jumped up, ran back into the kitchen, turned the heating off and got the fan out of the cupboard under the sink.
When I got back in the living room, he’d ripped his jumper off. It was all misshaped, the wool pulled to snapping point. I plugged the fan in, placed it on the floor, aimed it at him, and turned it onto full power.
The wind hit him and he scooted his butt closer to the fan. He looked at me and smiled through tears. “Thank you, Mommy.”
“Does that feel better?”
“Yes.”
“You were too hot?”
“Yes.”
“It wasn’t the laundry machine?”
“No.” His eyes were locked on the fan. “I like the fan.”
“Is it cooling you down?”
“Yes … I really like spiny things.”
“I know you do. Would you like your ball of Play-Doh?”
“Yes.”
I walked to the fireplace and got the Play-Doh. Once I’d handed it to him, he started to squeeze it and roll it in his palms. I sat on the sofa and let out a long breath. I was drained.
I’d read every book I could find concerning autism, Asperger’s. I’d started educating myself as soon as the doctors diagnosed him. I had a ton of files, of notes I’d made. I thought I knew all that was needed to know to prevent the meltdowns. But I was only human. I made mistakes. I was the cause of some of the meltdowns; some were just out of my control, no amount of acquisition of knowledge able to stop them.
As I sat there, watching him watch the fan, I thought about the life he had ahead of him. How difficult school would be for him. The bullying he would be sure to get. I thought about the possibility of him meeting a nice girl one day. I didn’t know if he would, I feared he wouldn’t.
I was terrified about what would happen to him when I was too old to help, or when I past away, if he hadn’t met anyone to marry, how he’d be able to deal with the struggles he had on his own.
I was concerned he wouldn’t even mourn me. When his dad died, and I’d explained what had happened, I’d said his dad had gone to sleep, he just said okay and carried on watching TV. Although, if I ever fell asleep, and he was awake, he’d rouse me quickly, concerned I was leaving him too. Maybe he would mourn me; it would be easier for him if he didn’t. Is it selfish I wished he would mourn me, though?
There was a knock at the door, which thankfully snapped me out of my descent into a void of anxiety. It was a place I fell into all too often. “Freddie, I’m just going to the door, someone’s knocking.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
I stood; as I walked past him I ran my hand over his head. He pulled away from it quickly. I swallowed the lump in my throat, wiped the tears from my face, and entered the hall.
I opened up the front door. It was my neighbor, Janice. I threw my arms around her before she even had a chance to speak, and I sobbed. “Nina, is everything okay? We heard screaming. Is Freddie okay? Was it another meltdown?”
I couldn't answer. I just held on, concerned my hug was too tight for such an old woman. When I had settled, I pulled away. “Sorry, it’s been a difficult …” I couldn’t get the rest of the words out, I was crying again.
“It’s okay, dear.” She stepped in and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Is everything okay now?”
“Yeah, thank you.” I wiped the tears away again.
“Good … I have an idea. Why don’t you go upstairs, have a bath, or a nap, I’ll look after Freddie for a bit. If I need you, I’ll come and get you.”
“That would be really helpful, are you sure it’s okay?”
“Sure.” She smiled, her dentures wobbled as she did.
“Thank you.” I hugged her again and she patted me on the back as I did.
I stuck my head through the door, into the living room. “Mommy is just going to go and have a bath, Freddie.”
He didn’t break his stare from the fan. “Okay, Mommy.”
“Janice is going to come and sit with you for a little while.”
“I like Janice, she has funny teeth.”
“Freddie!” I rolled my eyes.
Janice squeezed past me and into the living room. “Don’t worry, Nina. His honesty is one of the many things I love about him. Now go and have that bath.”
“Thank you.”
I walked into the upstairs bathroom and ran the bath as I took my clothes off. I made sure it was warm enough, and full of bubbles before I got in. I let out a long breath again, the scent made my nose run a little.
As I was lying there, watching the foamy bubbled water run down my breasts, pretending my nipples were little islands, my mind wandered, like it had a bad habit of doing.
I thought about my husband. How much I missed him. His omelets were legendary. I smiled. I thought about his smile, how comforting it had been, it was able to calm me, to warm me. I thought about the touch of his skin, how it used to feel when it brushed against mine while we lay in bed on lazy Sunday mornings.
My eyes had shut instinctively, and one of my feet clumsily hit the tap that turns the shower on. The head of which was hooped around the spigots. The powerful vigor of the water hit my foot and the massaging force of the blast made me jump more than the heat. I sat up, cursed, and turned it off.
I just stared at it for a while as another thought floated around my mind. This one always found its way into my head when I needed to relieve the tension, when I needed to feel something different. I placed one hand under the showerhead and turned the tap to start the cascade again. The power shower sent quick little pinging streams of water onto my skin.
I looked over my shoulder to check the door was locked. It was. I should have known it would be. I’d never take a bath with it not being locked if Janice was in the house, plus Freddie had a habit of walking in on me. Paranoia was setting in; I knew what I was planning and I didn’t want to get caught doing it.
While still sitting up, I spread my legs as far as the bath would allow, my knees now up by my face. I untangled the shower head from the spigot and placed it under the water. I turned the faucet to increase the flow from the head and placed it face up. The water started to bubble in front of me.
I slid the head under myself. The curved plastic rested nicely against me. Part of it over my opening and the rest nuzzled agreeably against my pleasure spot. The little spikey streams firing onto me were enough to send shivers through my body and to force me to grip onto the side of the bath with my free hand.
My husband walks up behind me, his eyes moving over the length of my legs until they find rest on my butt. Once he’s close he places his hand on my ass and gives it a squeeze. He then lets it roam all over, his palm caressing its curve before his hand finds rest, his palm pressed on my butt and his fingers low enough to touch me where I want him. I moan.
He takes hold of me by the hips and presses himself on to my butt. I feel his hardness on my butt. He runs his hands up my back and under my blouse. His fingers tickle my skin as they work their way to my bra. I get shivers and he unhooks me.
I wanted to moan. So I did. Quietly though. My eyes looked to the ceiling as the high-powered beads of water beat off me in a steady and never-ending pulse.
My breasts drop and he reaches his hands around to the front, pushing my bra over the top of them, to hold both of them in his big strong hands. He squeezes them, massages them, before he withdraws his hands back to my hips. They don’t stay there long; he lets them feel down my legs until his fingers hook under my skirt. He rolls it up until it rests on my hips.
His hands work over my ass again and I moan once more. Then I hear the zip of his jeans being undone. I look over my shoulder to see him pull them down to his knees. He’s not wearing underwear. He’s standing at attention. It’s big. I worry if I can take it but I know I want it. The head bounces a few times on one of my butt cheeks before he pulls the thong from my crack and over one of my cheeks.
The thin jets were shooting up into me, an animated dance over my insides. More water was thumping on my throbbing lips. They, like everywhere else, were so sensitive now. They were swollen. I was close.
I feel the head on me. It slowly starts to part me as he pushes forward. My lips slide over him and tightly grip. He keeps it on its course to fill me. I’m pulled wide as he finally fills me.
I turned the faucet farther. The water that sped forth sent another tsunami of eroticism onto me, through me; my whole body was feeling the dynamism that was prancing. My butt was sliding back and forth over the bottom of the bath.
Every inch of his manhood is fully in and I beg. I beg him to go harder. I feel him draw back; leaving me some ways before it’s thrust back into me with force. I feel it hit my insides in the most pleasurable way. I push my butt backward into him, somehow managing to squeeze a little extra of him in me; he’s not been this deep before. I don’t want him to ever not be again.
My legs became tense. My body started to arch even more. I was almost there. The hand that was gripping the bath was having trouble keeping hold. Water was splashing from the tub. The water from the shower head was unrelenting, attacking me with bopping, tiptoeing, gallops of gushes of bubbly jets.
He drives it into me over and over again, my whole body rocking from his on each thrust, my butt slapping against his abs, my breasts swinging, his hands on my hips, holding me with potency, allowing him to delve deeper into me. It’s like a never-ending, all-giving pole, my wet insides the flag it’s flying.
I bit my bottom lip. Guttural throat moans were made, I wanted to make more. I wanted to scream out all the air from my lungs. I could tell it was going to be intense. It already was. My temperature was rising. Beads of sweat on my temples, more running over my breasts, little drops falling from my nipples.
He reaches around me again and grabs my bare breasts. He holds them in his big powerful hands once more as he continues, bringing me to the edge of where I want to jump from, the fall certain to be full of erotic adrenaline.
I let myself go over it as I hear him moan. He picks up speed and I’m being uncontrollably bounced as he finishes in me and me with him. I look over my shoulder and say, “Thank you. I love you.”
He does one last hard thrust, I growl in my throat and then gasp as he pulls from me. “I love you too. Always have, always will.”
I pressed the showerhead harder onto myself. It spat its watery tongues at me and all my tension was released in a sudden and almost violent jolt of electricity. I lost control of my body. The shower head shot away as I collapsed and orgasmed on the way down, on the way backward into the water, under the water, to the bottom of the bath, until the back of my head smashed into it and shot me back out, dizzy, breathless and coughing up water.
Then …
I started to cry, full on sobbing again.
JUNE
I jumped off the bus at the stop that was across the street from Alec’s apartment building. The night air was biting at my skin, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end and my teeth to chatter. I should have worn something more protective than a t-shirt, but that had been the least of my concerns when gathering my belongings. My priorities had been to grab what was needed for my escape and my costume for the convention.
I jogged across the road, holding one arm over my boobs to stop them bouncing. I saw a man in a suit walking on the sidewalk I was aiming for, trying to hide his smile. I wasn’t sure if it was my goofy running that had him tickled or my attempt to keep my tits from hitting me in the face. It didn’t matter which it was, I still felt like an idiot.
Unlike the apartment building I lived in the elevators in Alec’s worked. They even played music. It was terrible music, sure, but it was still a step in the right direction when it came to the place you called home. His family wasn’t rich but they weren’t short of cash either. I guess it helps when your dad doesn’t spend every cent on beer.
I walked down the hallway to the door numbered 77 and knocked. It wasn’t long before his mom answered. She was wearing a dress that looked expensive and showed off heaps of cleavage. Her hair didn’t have a strand out of place, unlike mine. She was also wearing a massive and welcoming smile, her teeth casting light off them.
“June, it’s good to see you again. Come on in.”
I smiled and entered the apartment. It smelt so different to where I lived, less alcohol hanging in the air I guess. You’d get drunk in our living room if you took too deep of a breath. Alec’s apartment contained much more pleasing scents. I think I could make out vanilla and cherry. It almost made me hungry.
“It’s nice to see you again,” I said as I slipped my backpack off my shoulders and held it by my side.
“Alec is in his room. He’s getting dressed into his costume. He’s very excited about the convention. He loves them. He told me this was your first one.”
“That’s right. I’m excited too … Also a little bit nervous.” I looked to my feet and cleared my throat.
“There’s no need to be, sweetie. I’m sure you’ll feel at home once you get there. Alec never feels as comfortable as when he is around the comic reading type. Geeks, I think he calls them.”