“
How does he protect her?”
“With my hands. I do not under
stand that. Every
night in the dream, she says ‘
use your hands’, over and over again.”
Clayton
was getting despondent. He was going round in circles, pacing up
and down in a mental and emotional cage with no way out. Only
Rebecca had the key.
“She is coming
away with us, even if I have to drag
here there. I want her away from her comforts, her hiding places
and I will extract every single thing she knows about this. There
is no other way. I can’t go on like this. I can’t control my
thoughts, my dreams and even my body. No, she will come with
us.
”
Nobody disagreed with Clayton.
Perhaps it would best, anyway,
Jonathan thought.
Maybe we can assess
the situation objectively, because he is too involved. Of course,
Clayton can simply walk away from this complex relationship
and go back to his old ways. No, he
could not, even if he
wanted to.
The woman had changed his life. What he could not
work out was whether it was for the better or worse.
~ ~ ~
~
When he
saw Rebecca the next day, he still could not answer this question.
She looked tired and defeated, even worse than Clayton. He chatted
to her about Jackie’s work. Eventually, against his better
judgment, he asked.
“
So how are things with Clayton?”
“Oh Jono, it is the best and the worst. It is filled with
strange and erotic
things. I don’t know, but either we are
both crazy, or the world around us is not real.
”
“
Really, why?”
“We seem to get along fine and then things change quickly,
for the worst. I don’t know how to deal with him. He can be very
erratic, so charming and sweet
and then all huffy and puffy.
It is very hectic, but I can’t seem to turn away from him. I have
thought I should just run away from him, let it be, you know? Write
it off as a toxic relationship, but I can’t.
”
“
Is it a toxic relationship?”
“No. Okay,
I get your point.
”
“
Rebecca, what would make it better?”
“
There is nothing that we can do. That is the way it is, I’m
afraid. You know, there are some things you can change, others you
can’t.”
“
What would you change, if you could?”
“I
would like to stop loving
him, needing him, because it will
hurt too much when he walks away.
”
Jonathan was very surprised by this. She was not dying, she
was sure
he
would walk
away. Clayton’s reputation had certainly not helped this strange
relationship. He could not help but
understand her fear. He
could not guarantee that Clayton would be there, when his
fascination with her and her butterfly passed. He could not say
categorically that, Clayton, once he had satisfied his lust, would
not walk away. He had seen it too many times to believe that
Clayton could suddenly change. She was right to be afraid of being
hurt, because there was no reason to believe that Clayton would not
hurt her. And given how strange things had been the pain would be
unbearable for her. Jonathan had only been concerned about Clayton
and felt guilty that he never tried to see things from her
perspective. He had always known she was the sensible one of the
two. She was right about everything.
“
What can be done, Rebecca?”
“I
suppose I should sleep with him and
get it over with. I will
always hunger for him if I don’t.
”
Gosh, she is tough.
She sat there, calmly telling him how she would
minimize the damage to her heart. Clayton was way out of his depth
with this woman.
“So if you don’t mind, I will join you this weekend
.
Is it still alright?
”
“Oh yes, it is. Clayton will be thrilled. But Rebecca, have
you considered the possibility that you might love him more after
that, that you cannot assess and minimize the pain, as if you were
balancing a check book? Have you considered that
you
might break his
heart?”
“
Yes, but there is no other way. This way, we shall find out,
won’t we?”
*****
Rebecca was excited and afraid as they drove up to the
Dragon Mountains. They were staying at a new place which had
received a rave review in the press. It was named San Sanctuary, in
honour of the San people who had inhabited the area. Jonathan had
told her that the cottages were decorated to resemble the caves
that the San people had lived in. She ha
d been apprehensive
about sleeping in a cave, but he assured her that it had all the
modern amenities she was accustomed to.
Rebecca had refused to travel with Clayton because she
wanted time to relax and not to deal with his dark blue questions.
It would have
spoilt everything and she wanted one perfect
weekend with the man she desired.
Nothing more, nothing
less.
She sat at the back, while Blake and Chad argued
furiously. Blake was accusing Chad, once more, of looking
interested in a pretty young boy named Jason. Rebecca smiled. These
men, now in their early 40s and lovers for many years, always threw
jealous tantrums. While they worked well together as designers of
fabric and furniture, they had a torrid, difficult relationship.
Blake was impossible when he was jealous and this was often enough.
Chad, a few months younger, enjoyed the thrill of knowing that his
lover was jealous and therefore still wanted him and flirted
outrageously with any younger man. It has always been this way and
they loved the fights. Rebecca had always liked them and they had
always been dear to her. She hoped they would not fight the whole
weekend though, because another gay couple, a lot younger, in their
late twenties, was joining them later. Zane was a tall,
ridiculously good looking man and his partner, John, was not that
bad either. Zane had worked with Jonathan and they had remained
friends even after Jonathan had left. Jonathan was like a father
figure to them and he often listened patiently to their problems
and dilemmas. Zane lived in the unrealistic hope that his parents
would someday accept his gay lover and was severely traumatized
each time they said or did anything which indicated that they were
waiting for him to ‘get over it’ and marry a respectable
woman.
Rebecca
was excited at the thought that she would
finally seduce Clayton. She had decided to defy The Darkness and
she wanted just one opportunity with him. She accepted that this
was all she would get and remembered her father telling her to take
whatever pleasures she could have with him. She was also so afraid
of what might go wrong. Her father had told her it was much
stronger now and that this time was different.
What will
happen?
She had learnt, through her mother, how to circumvent
its power for short periods only. She had learnt to go indoors and
to light candles. Also, the jasmine bath seemed to work. She was
going to do it all and hoped it would stay away long enough for her
to truly enjoy Clayton. She was also afraid about Clayton. Things
were also different with him. There was no way she could explain
why his touch had shocked her, as if fighting her flesh. She had
tried to pretend it was funny, but she had realized that it might
be a sign of the sheer power of The Darkness. He might turn away
from her anyway. But she knew that this was a chance she was
willing to take. At least she would have tried her best.
In any
event, how dare The Darkness come into my life and try to
ruin it? I
want Clayton and no Darkness is going to stop
me.
She was certainly prepared to go down fighting. This
weekend, as least, Clayton was going to be hers. She had planned
everything carefully,
had
shopped for seductive clothes, underwear and sleepwear.
Gosh, Clayton is
certainly turning out to be an expensive lover for me.
She
hoped it would be
worth it.
Her thoughts were disturbed by Blake
apologi
zing for the
fighting.
“
It’s okay, really. It is not like I haven’t been with you two
before. Anyhow, it was good of you to give me lift.”
“Anything for you, my dear. Now tell us
about that
hunk of yours. He is so gorgeous. He has the most beautiful eyes.
They are like specks of azurite against a perfect body. My, you are
so lucky.”
Rebecca was laughing. She knew he was trying to make Chad
jealous, but Chad knew that Clayton was not
really a
prospect, so he let it go.
“Azurite eyes? Well, that’s a new one. I will definitely
tell him that. He was busy with some family claim today, so he is
only coming up later. I was not too keen to be driving around in
the mountains in the dark. He
will bring Zane up with him.
Let the men travel in the dark. Also, I wanted to come early, to
escape work.”
“
My dear, I would have been very happy to get lost in the
mountains with your Mr Azurite. It would not have bothered me a
bit.”
Chad was not
taking the bait.
“Yes, I am sure. But darling, remember that he is taken by
our own black-eyed beauty here. You two make an interesting couple.
I just got an idea for a lovely tapestry of blues and blacks for
couch fabric I need to do. Yes, I can see it,
azurite eyes,
jet eyes, everywhere, watching, waiting against a background
of.......”
“
A light, baby blue”, his partner added.
They
discussed their newly invented fabric and all was forgiven, for now
at least.
~ ~ ~
~
Jonathan
and Jackie had already arrived at the Sanctuary. Jackie was
animated and happy and fell in love with the place. They stood on
the balcony of their cottage, in awe of the views over the
mountains.
“This is a brilliant place, J. Look at the views, wow. I
feel safe and happy, surrounded by green lush mountains. Look J,
every way you turn there is a magnificent view. This is heaven.
Thank you for the best anniversary gift. Look at these clever
cottages. It makes me horny just thinking about it. Imagine that we
will spend a weekend in a
cave, without the horrid
inconvenience. Oh Jono, I love you. This is perfect.”
Jonathan
hugged his wife and smiled at her.
“I
love you too, J. This is a magnificent place. I love the way the
clouds lightly caress the tip of that mountain. A touch
so
light, it is barely there. The white of it, so translucent, so
elusive, so beautiful, just like you.”
He
was caressing her arm and she was aroused by her husband’s
uncharacteristic romantic moment. It was not usually his style, but
occasionally he surprised
her with it and it always made her
desperate for his love making.
“
Come, let’s go inside. Let me caress you lightly, so lightly
that.....”
She never got to finish her sentence. Jonathan was in a
loving mood today and nothing was going to slow down his
desire
to savor the honeyed love of his wife of ten
years.
Much
later, they lay in bed, talking.
“
Jono, we are very lucky to have each other. I love the way
you just accept me, all of me, no complications.”
“Yes, my darling, we are very lucky, but sometimes
I
wish I could give you the one thing you always wanted. I wish I
could make that right for you.”
“You can’t, my love. We must accept that we cannot have a
baby and try to give each other everything we can. I used to feel
so bad about it, but seeing Clayton
’s tortured soul all
these years, I realized that I have everything I want
here.”
She poked his chest.
“Here is all I have ever
needed.”
“
Hmm, even when I am being logical and
argumentative?”
“
Yes, even then. I would not like it any other
way.”
“Tal
king about Clayton, he said I should not tell
you, but he, or rather Lorraine arranged and found this place. He
refused to let me pay, J. He said it was the least he could do,
considering all the trouble he has been lately.”
“
What?”
“Yes, it is his gift to
us. We argued for a long
time about it, but he really needed to do it. He said he had been
so self-centered lately, that he was being a real burden on us. He
would not listen to anything I had to say.”
“Oh, Jono, he has always been such a good friend to
us
. That’s why all this stuff with Rebecca is so hard to
accept. He deserves to be happy, to be loved. He has never had
that. Even his parents were shits. I love him for wanting to do
this for us. I will thank him. Jono, how can we help them? What can
we do?”