Afterland (47 page)

              “I hope so. Anyway, steering away from this topic of conversation before it we expose all the flaws in my potential motherhood, what about you? What are you planning to do once this is over?”

              “I don’t know. It seems like everybody’s planning to settle down and leave this behind, but I...I don’t know. It scares me.”

              “Settling down scares you?”

              “Yeah. You know, it’s just seems that once you stop fighting your battles, you become insignificant.”

              “Well. That’s not true. The battles you fight aren’t what make you significant.”

              “No? Then what does?”

              “You make yourself significant. Your personality, the effect you have on the people around you. You can simply exist, and you could still be significant.”

“I guess.”

“You’re so obsessed with being significant. Have you ever thought that maybe it isn’t that important?”

              “What? No, I haven’t. I mean, isn’t that why we’re all here? To try and make our mark?”

              “I wouldn’t say so.”

              “Really? Why?”

              “Why do you need to be significant, Molly? What do you need to prove? If you let life take its course, you’ll find where you fit in instead of forcefully pushing yourself into situations where you don’t belong.”

              “You say that, but what if you miss your opportunity?”

              “Chances are, you won’t. Once the opportunity comes along, you’ll know it. If we assume that joining the Rebellion was your opportunity, my ideas stand, no?  The opportunity came to you, you just had to take it.”

              I nod.

“True. But what if I didn’t run out to meet you? I would’ve missed it.”

              “But that’s exactly the point. When the opportunity comes, you have to seize it. While it’s not there, you shouldn’t run from what you have to find it. Imagine if you had run away from Hopetown earlier. You never would have found the Rebellion and you probably would have died.”

              “Alright. I guess I see your point, but,” I sigh, “if you live like that, you have all the chances of just spending your whole life waiting. And what if you never get the chance to change anything? You have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and create that chance for yourself. But that’s not what you’ll be doing. You’ll still be waiting. And waiting’s okay when you’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you, but what about after that? You wait your life away and you never end up anywhere.”

              “Gosh, Molly, that’s somber. I don’t know. I guess it’s different for everyone. We spend so much time trying to create rules for success, but the truth is, they can’t always work. If you force rules on people, you just end up hurting them. They think that they’re unsuccessful, but in trut
h
–
”

              “They’re just playing by the wrong rules,” I finish.

              “Exactly. I tend not to look back and not to look forward. I live in the now, and if something does happen to come along, I’ll take it. I haven’t tripped yet. But I’m good at looking under my feet. Other people are good at looking ahead, and if you tell them to live in the now, you don’t help them, you block off their view.”

              “Well said.”

              “Thank you.” She sighs and shoots another bolt. “Who knows how things are going to be after the CGB? The Fallen Angels might take over, like it says in the Tertiad. Or something else might happen. We have no way of knowing. We just have to always remember to move forward, no matter which way we’re looking, and then, hopefully, things will work themselves out.

__              __              __              __              __              __              __              __              __              __

              I spend most of that night thinking about the future. I am reminded of how life was right after the Blast. The future was uncertain and we were afraid. I suppose it’s like that before any major change.

But during the Blast, I was four. I was dependent on my parents for my survival. But this time, I am driving the change myself. The moments that will define the future are now and our generation are the people who are doing the definition.

So what if we’re doing it wrong?

The fears that I had the night of my first raid come return to me. What if we’re making decisions for people who don’t want us making them? Isn’t that what the CGB was doing? What if we’re just as bad as the CGB? Maybe we’re dragging people into a revolution that they don’t want a part in. Why do we know what’s better? I sigh and toss around, trying to sleep, but the closest I come to oblivion is an irregular type of unconsciousness. After several hours of throwing pillows from one side of the tent to the other, I decide that I need to talk it out with somebody. I quietly unzip my tent, careful not to wake anybody else. I’ve only heard anybody get up in the middle of the night once and that was because it woke Emily, who spewed a strongly worded string of curses at the offender, followed by a suspicious clang. I would rather not be her next midnight victim.

              The ground is cold and hard; the top layers have already frozen through. The tips of my toes grow numb almost immediately. I wrap my sweater tighter around myself and walk briskly over to Nathan’s tent.

              “Nathan?” I say, gently tapping the fabric of his tent. It occurs to me then that he’s probably asleep, but I hear movement inside the tent.

              “Yeah?”

              “It’s me. Molly. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

              “No, no. What’s up?”

              “I, uh, I couldn’t sleep.” I hear the zipper unzip and Nathan pops his head out.

              “Oh. Come in, then, it’s cold outside.”

I step into the tent and sit down, cross legged, across from Nathan. His hair sticks out of his head in wild directions and it occurs to me that I must look like a total mess. My hair is all over the place, my eyes are probably bloodshot with dark circles framing them almost unnaturally. Half of my face must be red while the other side is deathly pale. The few times that I’ve looked at myself in the mirror in the middle of the night have taught me that I look anything but glamorous. I run my hand through my hair, trying to even it out and Nathan does the same. We catch each other’s eye and smile at our symmetry,

“Anyway, what’s up?” Nathan asks again.

              “I don’t know. I’m worried. Nervous.”

“What about?”

              “It’s a bit stupid, but I’m still worried about the future. It’s just so uncertain.”

              “Well, has it ever been any less so?”

              “Yes. We’re at a pivotal point right now. We’re this close to overthrowing the CGB. That’s not just our futures, those are the futures of the entire country. I don’t know. What happens if we choose wrong?”

              “What happens if we don’t choose at all? It can’t be worse than how it’s been.”

              “But we don’t know that.”

              “Molly.” He takes my hands in his. “Think about it. The CGB is a powerful tyrannical organization. We’re several young people living on the top of a mountain. Even if we had bad intents, what could we actually do to make it happen?”

              I laugh quietly.

“I suppose you’re right. But still: even supposing we do succeed. You know, even if we get everything right, what then?”             

“What then?”

“I mean, what’s left? All of our lives until now have been fighting the CGB. Who are we without that?”

“We’re human beings, and the end of this is the beginning of the rest of our lives.”

“And what if the rest of our lives aren’t as good as the first part?”

He gives my hands a squeeze.

“Then we’ll make the future better.”

“I just don’t think that I’m ready for my life to begin.” Nathan smiles and pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes.

“Nobody’s ready. But that’s what makes it exciting, isn’t it? That’s what makes it worth it. That’s what makes us human.”

I shrug.

“I guess.”

“Listen, even if things go completely and unpredictably downhill, I’ll always be there for you.”

I smile despite myself.

“And I’ll be there for you.”

“You know, only one of your cheeks dimples when you smile.”

“Huh?”

“Your right cheek has a dimple when you smile, your left doesn’t.”

“Oh, really? I’ve never known that. That’s funny.”

Nathan smiles and pushes a strand of hair out of my face for what seems like the hundredth time in the last five minutes. I’m not sure if it’s the same strand continuously falling out of my hair or if he’s just using it as an excuse to touch my face. Either way, I don’t mind.

“It’s beautiful,” he says. “Perfectly assymetrical.”

I smile, turning away. I’m not sure why I turn away when I smile. It’s just an old habit.

“I feel better now,” I mutter. “It’s not like we solved any problems, but…”

“But problems aren’t meant to be solved in a single conversation. They’re meant to be lived, passionately and terribly. You live through a problem. You suffer through it. And at the end, you come out with the tools necessary to solve it.”

“Hmm,” I say. “So wise.”

“You’re really pale.”

“Yeah. So I’ve been told by just about everyone now. Apparently, I’m a mildly glowing evil warrior raccoon.”

Nathan laughs, again pushing the same strand behind my ear.

“I see the resemblance. But I mean paler than usual. You look really tired.”

“Well, it is the middle of the night.”

“It’s time for you to sleep.”

“Yeah.” I look in the direction of my tent. “Is it okay if I stay here?..”

“I was hoping you’d say that. Of course.”

I put my head on his shoulder and he hands me one edge of his blankets. We lie on our backs next to each other and I feel his heartbeat. It seems to me that it’s beating faster than usual, but I might just be confusing his heartbeat with mine. I feel his chest rising and falling and think that maybe, just maybe, the future doesn’t matter. Maybe, all that matters is now and the even sound of Nathan’s heart, beating out the rhythm of life. The thought is so comforting that in several minutes, I fall asleep.

              I wake up the next morning because Nathan moves. I shift a little and smile. Nathan kisses me on the cheek.

              “Good morning,” he says.

              “Hmm.”

The tent is warm and I can tell that the sun is shining brighter than normal.

              “You look so nice when you sleep. So peaceful.”

              “Hmm.”

I peel my eyes open and think,
wow, that’s absolute crap. I look like a raccoon. A peaceful raccoon warlord.
I run my hand across Nathan’s cheek.

“You still haven’t shaved your beard.”

              “You’re really bent on that, aren’t you?” Nathan laughs.

              “It makes you look like an old person desperately trying to hide their life choices.”

              “Well. Aren’t you just a sweetheart in the morning?”

              “Aren’t we all?”

He kisses me on the tip of my nose.

              “Ready to get up?” he says, sitting up and stretching.

              “No.” I close my eyes again and pull the covers over my head. “I’ve never been this comfortable. Let me relish it.”

              “There are battles to be fought,” he says lying back down. “Enemies to be defeated.”

              “We can deal with that later. At noon.”

Nathan puts his arm over me. I take his hand and press it to my heart.

              “Can you feel my heartbeat?” I ask for no particular reason.

              “No.”

              “No? Really? Oh,” I chuckle. Wrong side. I move his hand down to the left side of my chest. “How ‘bout now?”

              “Still no.”

              “
Still
no? Christ.” I put my hand to my heart as well, but I can’t feel it either. “My goodness! I’m heartless.”

              “Ha-ha, I knew it!”

              “Shut up. Where the hell is my heartbeat?” Nathan laughs.

              “Whatever. We’ll find it later. Let’s go eat breakfast and then shoot things?”

              “Ah, yes. Eating and shooting. My favorite.”