Advancing ((Advance Industries #2)) (8 page)

I pull away and grab us towels, the last thing I need right now is for her to catch a chill as well. I wrap it tightly around her and lead her to the bed. I Comm Saunders, I don’t care about the time, I’m struggling here and need his advice. I need him to make her right. She’s still not moving, her eyes focused on a fixed point in the room, she’s childlike again, terrified just like when I first met her.

I start drying her needing to keep busy and hoping that I’ll pull her out of whatever this is. My tears still fall but silently. My heart wrenching in pain for my girl. I keep looking up into her face waiting for it to change, waiting for it to convey some other emotion than the blank listlessness she’s adopted. I dry her feet then search for some clothes. My movements are hurried, clumsy. When I pull the towel away I realise she’s still lightly bleeding. I throw my own clothes on and kneel back at her side. The way she’s reacting is as if there is more blood than there really is, has she blown this up in her mind? Is this just a case of her period but because she’s been feeling unwell she’s panicked?

A soft knock at the door catches my attention but not hers and I go and open it to see my Grandparents outside wrapped in dressing gowns. Faith must have woken them with her wailing and they’ve waited to check on us. Gran’s face is a picture of worry while Gramps looks annoyed at being woken up. I can’t speak so pull the door back just enough that Gran can see Faith sitting on the bed, the towel in her lap. I can’t even think about her modesty. I need another adult to be in charge here before I lose it. Gran ushers Gramps away to the kitchen and pushes past me into the room where she sits beside my naked girl and wraps a hand around her shoulders, talking quietly in her ear.

“What’s happened boy?” She asks me.

“I don’t... I... She’s bleeding. When I woke up she was out of it. She... she won’t respond.”

“Clothes Lovey.” She orders, “I’ll get her dressed. Get Jack to call a doctor.”

“I’ve called one, he’ll be here soon.”

“Okay, out you go. Jack has a stiff drink waiting for you. I’ll stay with her.”

I don’t move. I look back and forth between them. Faith needs me but I’m all out of ideas, I’m clearly not helping her. Maybe Gran will? Faith is a shell at the moment, she looks defeated, deflated and just... different. No hint left of the strong woman I know her to be. That stiff drink is calling me so I smile my thanks, take another look at my lost girl and leave the room like the coward I am.

Jack is sat at the kitchen table sipping at his dark liquid, a glass across from him waiting for me. He looks so old and weary, same as I feel. My Comm beeps and I read it, noting that Saunders is outside so I walk to the door and let him in.

“Time I know yet?” I ask him.

“Probably, but it’s not my call.” He shrugs apologetically and I haven’t the fire in me to challenge him. I just want her better. I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough why my bed looks like a massacre took place.

He follows me to the kitchen. “On the hard stuff? That bad huh?” He asks.

“Just go and fix her, please. Make her right.”

He slaps my back and heads towards the bedroom. I pick up my drink and pace, making the same lap again and again – around the kitchen table, in the living room, around the sofa’s then back to my starting point. I put my glass down on the table, complete another lap and when I get back my glass is filled. Jack doesn’t speak, he sits taking small sips of his own drink and I’m grateful he’s intuitive enough to realise I don’t want conversation. I don’t know how much time passes, could be minutes or decades but Gran pads into the kitchen and wraps me in a hug. When she pulls away I see her tear stained face and my brain automatically goes into freak out mode. What happened in there? Was she dying and I didn’t stay at her side? Was the last thing she registered me saying to her an argument? My hand starts shaking so I down the drink and push those thoughts away.

Saunders walks in and gestures for me to follow him to the living room. My feet manage to move and I wait for him to say something.

“She was in a state of physical shutdown – shock. Her blood pressure was low. She was confused and agitated. All the symptoms pointed to it. I’m sorry Man I gave her a sedative. There’s not much else I could do except make her comfortable.”

I find my voice, it’s dry and husk like but working, “Is she okay though?”

“She’ll be fine. She’s sleeping for now; she’ll heal but don’t leave her alone especially tonight. Shock can be a killer and when she wakes up you’re gonna have a lot to talk about.”

I sag,
she’ll be fine
is all I really picked up on in that sentence. “What happened Saun?”

“I can’t...”

“Saun knock off the doctor crap for two minutes. This is me. Tell me please,” I beg.

He sighs, takes another look at my face, and he says, “I’m so sorry man. She was pregnant... She miscarried.”

My legs give way and I slump to the floor. Pregnant? Never in my wildest dreams did that cross my mind. I thought she had internal bleeding or the period from hell or some other thing. I didn’t have time to think into the blood too much I just needed to get Faith cohesive again. But pregnant? Fuck!
She was pregnant.
Now she’s not?

“Stay with me Kye! You can’t go into shock too,” he says. “Christ, do they put something in the water here?” He mutters to himself.

I narrow my eyes at him accusingly. “Did you know about the baby?”

“Not for definite. She wanted me to find out before she told you and got your hopes up. She wanted a definitive answer. That’s what the cramps were, she was losing the baby.”

I rest my head in my hands, elbows braced on my knees and I cry. Huge, racking sobs. My heart hurting for what she’s been through, for what I’ve lost... for what we’ve lost. No wonder she’s shut down. She’s been carrying this secret around, carrying the burden all to what? Surprise me? Gage my reaction before she came clean? I was going to be a dad and I only find out after it’s dead?

“So when you left earlier you knew she was miscarrying? You didn’t think I should have been told about that?” I shout.

“I didn’t know. I suspected but cramps can be caused by a number of things, that’s why I took blood.”

“Does she know it’s... Gone?”

“I’d say yes, that’s why she’s shutdown.”

“What do I do Saun?” I ask helplessly

“Just... Be together. Talk. You’re both going to be feeling vulnerable, be there for the other. Everything else goes on hold okay? I’ll talk to the team and you’ll be given your space for as long as you need. Grieve Kye or this will eat you up!”

I nod. I can offer nothing else.

“I’m so sorry Man. You need anything, call me.” He pulls me in for a backslap/hug, waves solemnly to my Gran then leaves.

I remain sat on the floor feeling completely insignificant, confused and numb.

We’ve never talked about having children, we had so little time together before she went back and since then it’s been one thing after another.

Did I want kids?

Do I?

Yeah at some point – with her.

I always imagined finding out I was going to be a dad would come about differently. How do I deal with being hit with good and bad news in one breath? Before I had a chance to dissolve the fact that I was a dad-to-be it turned into dad-not-to-be. Faith is messed up over this and I want to be strong for her but I’m struggling to understand why she didn’t tell me she at least suspected she was pregnant.

Was there another reason? A more pressing reason that she kept me in the dark? Did she not want a baby with me? Saunders said she shouldn’t be left alone but I need time. I need to digest this huge bomb that just exploded and turned my life on its head. We were going to be parents and now we’re not. We were offered just a glimpse of what we could have only for it to be snatched away.

I feel... empty!

I feel like I’m stuck in a dream... A nightmare? A never ending cycle of pain envelops me. I’m now aware of what happened but not ready to face it. I’m a bad person. That’s what I keep coming back to. Bad things only happen to bad people don’t they? That’s what I was repeatedly taught at Advance Industries. The moment I let myself go with it, enjoy what could be it was taken away. It happens time after time. I wasn’t born to live life, to experience joy or happiness. That was never my purpose. I keep hoping for normality but it was never meant to be bestowed on me. I’ll never make Kye happy and in turn I’ll never be happy. He thinks I can and I hoped I could but there’s a darkness nestling in my soul just waiting for its chance to be set free. I was so focused on asserting the newfound me that I forgot how to enjoy the small blessings.

He’s been occasionally attentive... I guess, but I can see his questions, his blame and I know I’ve lost a small part of him by denying him the chance to revel in the news even for an hour before it all fell apart. I treated him badly so there must be something wrong with me. Normal, well balanced people don’t try to destroy the ones they love, do they? He doesn’t smile at me the same as he did, he tries but it doesn’t reach his eyes. They’re more dull, slightly dead whenever he focuses on me for any prolonged length of time. I can see he wants to yell, shout, release his frustration but is scared for my fragile state of mind. We’re both walking on egg shells. All I want to do is hold him close and apologise. I want to breathe him in, be his anchor. I want to cry with him, beg for his forgiveness and make us whole again. Yet I can’t or maybe just won’t. He’s so unapproachable, I’m scared that the slightest reference to that night will unleash his wrath... wrath that I deserve but nevertheless endeavour to hide from.

The team have been by and he often leaves with them. Loses himself in missions or whatever the hell it is he does when he disappears. The only person really helping me, showing any affection is Trask. He’s been my rock, my constant companion even if we’re sitting in silence, it’s a comfortable silence and just knowing he’s close by is comforting, soothing for my jangled nerves. He hasn’t pushed me to talk but accompanies me on walks, rarely leaving my side. He isn’t treating me any differently, he doesn’t tip toe around me or let me wallow in guilt. He doesn’t look at me any differently. When he’s around the painful ache in my chest isn’t felt. He’s just Trask, my best friend... well, after Kye that is. Is that even true anymore? We’re now disconnected, like our fuse has blown and can’t be replaced or repaired. How can I be grieving over something I never had? Something I claimed I didn’t want. The underlying current of guilt won’t let me move past it. I should have told him. I should have seen it for what it was – a gift, a chance and instead I thought about how I could get rid of it. Nature stepped in and did it for me once I’d accepted what a beautiful blessing I’d be given.

This is my punishment.

I’ve been throwing up, unable to keep any food down. Saunders claims it’s a mixture of the shock and the guilt I feel even though he assures me I have nothing to feel guilty for. That’s a standard line these days, Lizzie, Jack and Trask repeat it often but they have no idea. The pains are gone, but I’d welcome them back with open arms if it meant I’d keep the baby. But life is cruel, it always has been and always will be.

I’m sat on the beach alone, in more or less the same place Kye treated me with the picnic. This is my favourite place, my solitude. I can sit here for hours by myself and I have been, it’s my own personal haven. I’ve been coming here every day and I’m never disturbed. I like to think of it as mine, my beach, my sanctuary. I don’t have anything else. No Kye, no baby, no family, no sisters. I’m alone again. I realise it’s always going to come back to this – to me being alone. The sun is beating down on me, I’m wearing a green button down summer dress and beige wedged sandals. I don’t feel pretty even though I’ve always longed to wear clothes like this. Until now Kye had only seen me in either a lab gown, jumpsuit or jeans.

I’ve tried everything to make him see me as the feminine woman I’ve tried to become, to try and kick start his interest in me again. I don’t mean sex, just my companion. I want him to look at me the way he used to, like I was the only woman he could see, like every other female paled in comparison. I know it’s not true but when he looked at me that way I could believe. I believed I was truly beautiful, special and someone’s whole world. Now though he looks at me with a pain bordering on hate. I thought about flirting for all of a second, trying to appeal to him on that level. But who am I kidding? I don’t know how to flirt, how he fell for me in the first place is still a mystery I don’t want to delve into. I was willing to try anything to get him back, to get us back to how we were, to how we should be.

It’s tearing me to shreds knowing that my thoughtless actions have caused the love shining in his eyes to extinguish. What once burned bright now barely glimmers. I can’t love him into loving me.

Now he waits before he comes to bed until I’m asleep, he’s up and gone before I wake. He doesn’t touch me unless by accident in his sleep. He doesn’t Comm me throughout the day. I’m being tolerated and I won’t live like that. I can’t live like that. I did once upon a time but now knowing what love feels like I can’t go back to the emptiness. I won’t fight for someone to love me when he’s not willing to fight as well. I can’t force him to be who I need him to be, who he used to be. We’ve both changed and I’ve realised the person I want most is the person I might be best without. It’s a harsh lesson to learn but he’s teaching it well. If I were being tested and scored on this life lesson, I’d pass with honours. Because now I know, I feel every second the insanity of my mind, the unendurable loss and I’d never lie to him again. I’m too scared to fix what I broke, scared that I’ll cut myself on his shattered pieces, scared that our jagged scars will come even more undone and never be closed.

I lie back and think about the mission that was put on hold. This would be the perfect time to go back. He won’t care and that’s not me wallowing or having a pity party, it’s just a fact. Plain and simple. I’d probably be doing him a favour by leaving without a fuss, without a pretend ‘goodbye I’ll miss you so much’ ‘I’ll never forget you’. That amount of space between us would likely do us both good. I need to sort out my feelings over what we’ve lost, what I caused without being weighed down by his. I need to be productive, be useful again, find a new purpose before I succumb to this tide I’m wading through. I’m treading water but before long I’ll be drowning. I can feel myself being pulled under minute by minute, hour after hour. I’m defenceless without him taking care of me, taking care of my well-being, my soul and my heart and I need to take action. I need to remember what it’s like to only rely on myself. It was planned before all this but if I go back alone I can change what needs to be changed without them having to lift a finger, without the agony of goodbye. The only problem is I need the Comm to get back. None of them ever remove them from their wrists so what can I do? The more I think about the reasons to go back the more sense it makes until I’m determined to make it happen.

Trask slipped up the other day and told me about Kye meeting Fraser’s son – the President in this time. I didn’t grasp what he was saying as my head was still in the clouds but I remember him saying Kye was impressed by him. He owns Advance Industries now; they have the technology to travel - Advancing as Jack calls it. It can’t mess up my mind any more than it already is. Would he help me?

I stand up and brush away the sand. I can’t Comm a hoverride so decide to walk to the town and find my way to the President’s home. I’ll make him help me. You don’t ask, you don’t get. I’m desperate enough to be free of this place, this time and these people. I need the change; I need to go back to what is familiar. I need to be with my sisters who will build me up and love me whether I’m a fuck up or not. I need to get them out, then again they’re probably better off not experiencing life. Better off not falling in love and fighting the pain of losing that love. They’re better off not having to make their own decisions and figure out how the outside really works.

Are they better off staying at Advance Industries?

I never thought I’d believe that but at least there they can dream about the outside but never have the reality of it shatter them. The pain they endure in there is nothing compared to self-inflicted pain out here. I never knew pain had so many levels, it was just a word like happy or sad, but all those words have different levels. When you reach the highest one, there’s nothing left, just a void, a huge empty chasm. I’m not living, I’m existing and that’s no different to what I did at Advance Industries. My heart doesn’t beat anymore, it whispers, it’s barely discernible. My head either over thinks at an alarming speed or it’s shut off, registering my surroundings on an unconscious level. Who can function this way?

I start walking to the hilly part, my head down letting myself work out my plan. I look up and see Trask heading my way. I smile but I could do without him right now.

“I knew you’d be here,” he says as he jogs over to me and takes up the same pace beside me.

“Becoming a creature of habit, I guess.”

We walk along in silence until we’re over the mound but instead of heading to the bungalow I veer off in the other direction. He follows not asking for a while but then his curiosity takes over.

“Where are we going?”

“I’ve got something I need to do,” I reply.

“Sounds interesting. You gonna tell me what?”

I stop moving and turn to look at him. His body language is open, his black hair tied back in a barely-there ponytail and his green eyes seeking out mine, desperate to know, to help me. He runs a hand through his bushy black beard.

“I can’t Trask. I want to... but I can’t.”

“Oookay! So you’re up to something?”

“Stop fishing. I can’t tell you.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Won’t. You won’t like it and you’ll try to stop me. I need to do it, though, Trask.”

I start walking again but he remains in place. I make it a few feet ahead before he charges towards me. He grabs my elbow and spins me around. He stoops slightly to get eye level with me and his eyes are full of unshed tears.

“Faith, talk to me. I mean it girl. If you’re planning anything...stupid, talk it out with me. We... I can’t lose you!”

My eyes fill with tears too. I’ve never seen him worried, he has a hard facade which I broke through a long time ago. I recognised his own darkness and that’s how our friendship was forged. We get each other without having to give validation. He looks crazy wild with panic and I click. He thinks I’m going to... kill myself?

I wrap my arms around his waist and he stiffens before relaxing into it and bringing his huge hands around mine. He’s hard and firm and I close my eyes and just enjoy being held, enjoy this small bit of affection that I’ve been missing. He strokes my hair and it’s gentle considering the size of his hands. I feel like I’m hugging a brick wall. He doesn’t smell as intoxicating as Kye but his scent is still all man. He’s handsome but more rugged than Kye, he’s rough and ready looking but inside soft and squishy. Most of Kye’s team are good looking, they’re athletic and built, their varying personalities either drawing me to them or away from them. Trask has always been in a league of his own though. Always making time for me when I was a newbie and teaching me the ropes when Kye was busy. He’s been my constant. The one team member I truly connected with. I blink away my tears, pull away and without looking into his eyes again I start walking away. I can’t bring Trask down too, it’s bad enough I affected Kye.

He’s followed me all the way to the town. He’s kept a good distance back but I know he’s there and I need to lose him. If he sees where I’m really going he’ll blow it for me.

I’ve ducked in and out of shops, ambled along and still he stays close by. That’s when I decide screw it. I’m going whether he follows or not. I just need a distraction to buy myself some time. AIG are everywhere, I pick out two as my marks and make my way over to them. A pop-up stall selling scarves and purses is close by. Perfect.

I storm over to it. “I’m sorry,” I tell the owner quietly before I pick up handfuls of items and start throwing them into the street, making sure to aim some in the direction of the AIG. The shop owner comes running over and frantically picks up what she can. So I start shouting, kicking out and swiping things with my arms off her display. I rip a silk scarf in half and let it fly into the air. I’m actually enjoying myself now, the rage that I’ve been containing has taken over and this is the most fun I’ve had for a while. It’s therapeutic. Just as I’m getting into it the AIG are on me. I smile again, now who’s predictable? As they start dragging me away by my arms I turn my head and pick out Trask in the crowd. I give him my megawatt smile. I know what I’m doing, don’t worry, it says. He glowers at me and speaks into his Comm. He looks fierce, wild and if I weren’t leaving I’d worry about the tongue lashing he’d be waiting to give me. He returns my look with one of his own, pinning me with an ‘I’m coming for you’ look.

Come all you want; I’ll be gone by then.

They check my Comm, usher me into a vehicle and my journey starts. The journey to my salvation I hope. I’m not nervous or apprehensive. I’m still numb, taking my life an hour at a time. I stare absentmindedly out of the window, staring at the beautiful city. The last time I’ll see it.