Authors: Jennifer Ann
“I...I just needed something to help me calm down.”
He bends down to pick up the empty bottle, reading the label. His eyes flicker up to mine. He knows I’m lying. “Theo just told me about a conversation he overheard you having when he came back from his run.”
“He’s a liar,” I hiss, stepping back. I fall to my knees and reach for the spilled pills.
“He just wants in my pants. Lucky for you there’s only one person I’ll let in.”
“That’s bullshit and we both know it.” Adam’s expression turns sad, disheartened. He stops my frantic hands, wrapping them inside his. “Baby, I need you to tell me the truth.
Do you take those pills for depression?”
I need to strategically place my lies so I don’t give in, but don’t lead him astray. So far he’s playing beautifully into my plan. As much as it hurts to lie to him, it has to be done. My expression clouds over. “That
bastard
. How much did he overhear?”
“A lot. He said you were arguing with your mom about where you really are, and why you haven’t refilled your meds. He said you told them if they called the cops...you’d hurt yourself.” His eyes are watering over when he strokes my face, nudging my chin so I’m forced to face him again. “Is any of that true?”
“Why do
you
care if I hurt myself?” My lips tremble. “You’re going to leave me anyway! I get that you’re scared and I get that you’ve been through total hell, but I’m not enough for you to want to live. I’m not enough for you to want to continue on and fight.
Why should I go on living this bullshit life without you?”
I’m no longer playing into the lie, I’m becoming it. The pain of losing Adam is unimaginable. I’ve envisioned what it would be like to be at his funeral, to sit in a cold church and stare at his casket, knowing I’ll never see him again, just like Jason.
Adam scoops me into his arms, holding me tight. I feel his heart racing against my chest. “That’s not true! You
are
enough. You’re
more
than enough. I love you so much, Jewels, I don’t even know how to deal with it sometimes. Every time I look at you, I feel this burning need to touch you or kiss you. And I hate every minute we’re apart. You’ve become the only thing in this world I care about. Refusing the surgery has nothing to do with you.”
“Just like these pills have nothing to do with you,” I mutter into his neck. “You wouldn’t be around to mourn me for long after I’m gone.”
He pulls me back, his eyes wild and fraught. “Please don’t say those things. Jesus, don’t ever say that. I’m sorry, I never would’ve asked you to come on this trip if—”
“If
what
?” I challenge. “If you knew I was bat-shit crazy? Then you probably wouldn’t have loved me either, right? You’re saying I tricked you into caring for me?”
“I know you’re not crazy. You told me about losing Jason, and you told me you had a rough time after he died. I just didn’t know how bad it was.” He steps closer, wrapping his hands around my wrists. “You didn’t trick me into anything. I love you unconditionally, regardless of whatever demons you’re battling. I’m here for you.
Whatever you need...I’ll help you through this.”
I twist away, seething for
real
. Nothing he can say will offer the comfort, or ease the worry that he won’t live to see another day.
“You say that now, but you’re growing weaker every day! What happens when you’re too sick to be there for me? What happens when you’re gone and I’m battling this all alone? You say you love me, but you won’t fight for us! You can’t fucking stand there and pretend you’ll always be there for me!” I swat at the tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling my face turn a deep red. “I should just leave and let you die here all alone.
You’ve already given up on yourself. Why should I keep trying to pretend everything’s okay? Would
that
make you happy?”
“No,” he whispers, a lone tear spilling from his lashes. My words have pierced his heart, just as intended. “
You’re
what makes me happy.
You’re
what I want.”
“I don’t believe you!” I cross my arms. “You’re just saying that so I won’t take all these pills and make the pain disappear!”
“I’ll prove it to you.” He brings me back into his arms, kissing the side of my head as his arms tighten around me. “I’ll do whatever it takes to show you how much I love you.”
Fighting with Adam is brutal and feels like the most unnecessary of evils. Each time he tries to hold my hand, or bring me closer to lean against him, I refuse, playing into the part of unwilling participant in the plan. The entire plane ride back to Wisconsin, we only share a few short conversations filled with tension. Because I’m supposed to be mad that he’s forcing me to go home to face my parents.
Theo took the keys to the pickup and promised he’d take care of its return. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him in private, to thank him for helping me dupe Adam into returning, though he did give me an extra squeeze when we hugged goodbye. I’d like to think it was his “way to go” pat rather than another attempted perversion.
Kelly waits in her mom’s Jeep on the curb right outside the luggage carousel, looking uncharacteristically sullen. I gave her an abbreviated version of the truth from the women’s bathroom in the JFK airport, and of course, she was eager to help in any way she could. Luckily it’s the weekend and she’s on break from her duties as camp counselor. She greets me with a hug. I’m a mere rag-doll against her.
“You’ll get through this,” she whispers before kissing the side of my head and taking my bag. Adam hugs her next, mumbling something into her ear before we slide together into the backseat of her car.
Kelly asks non-invasive questions about our flight, if we’ve had anything to eat, and so on. Adam answers her questions easily, as if it’s just another night of the three of us hanging out, looking for something fun to pass time.
As the miles to my house lessen, an anxious rush to turn around constricts my chest like the onset of a heart attack. I silently thank Kelly for driving, because I don’t think I could’ve gone through this alone. Once Adam realizes this was a trap to bring him back, I could lose him forever whether he finally agrees to the surgery or not. I keep glancing over at his steely blue eyes, trying to convince myself it’s the only way. Even if he becomes angry with me, at least he’ll have a chance to live a longer life.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers, kissing the side of my head.
I wish I could believe him.
As soon as he sees the sparkling white BMW parked in my parents’ driveway, he knows. He drops my hand without saying anything. He doesn’t need to. I can see the ugly realization of my betrayal flash across his face.
I may be a legal adult involved in a complicated grownup relationship, but it doesn’t stop my parents from treating me like I’m sixteen all over again. My mom claims it’s because I went against our agreement when she takes the cell phone away that they pay for. She tells me I’m mentally unwell when they condemn me to their house indefinitely. She says it’s because I put Adam’s life in danger by sneaking away with him when she forbids me to see him ever again. She says it’s because I’m not ready to be on my own that I’ll spend the rest of my summer working under her unyielding supervision.
Once the storm has passed, Kelly comes by my house early the next morning. I’m amazed when my dad actually lets her up to see me. She strolls in casually, her eyes traveling across my childhood possession of cheerleading trophies and worthless nicknacks still adorning the bookshelves along the bubblegum pink walls. She’s been here a dozen times, but I don’t think she’ll ever get over just how Barbie-licious my bedroom remains from high school.
I tell her everything that happened after she left the night before. Appearing afflicted by my list of punishments, she flops down beside me on the king-sized mattress, our feet hanging together off the side. “At least you don’t have a
car
for them to take away.”
I huff in agreement, wiping at my swollen eyes. “I’m surprised she didn’t offer to buy me one just so she could.”
“They’d have to get a court order to make you stay, you know. You’re old enough to just walk away.”
“It would only encourage them to try harder.”
Her bracelets clink together when her hand covers my arm. Her unyielding support takes me back to the rough months when I was freshly mourning Jason’s death and the way she was always trying to cheer me up even though I had hit the bottom depths of a crippling depression. “Have you heard from Adam?”
“Although I’ll be old enough to legally drink in a few weeks, I’m not allowed a cell phone, remember?”
“I still don’t understand what the guy has against social networking. Even my
grandma
has a Facebook account. At least he has
my
number. He’ll call when he’s ready to talk and can’t get in touch with you.”
Angst wraps around my heart when I remember the cold shoulder he gave me, the way he shot me a blank stare while his parents laid into him, the way he pretended I didn’t exist when he rode off in the back of their car. I may as well have actually taken those damn pills that day in New York. Especially if he won’t ever take me back.
Tears roll down my face. “I’m not so sure about that, Kel. I doubt he’ll ever want to talk to me again.”
Her fingers brush up and down my arm. “Do you think he’ll at least agree to the surgery?”
“I hope so. If I lost him, it better be for a good reason.” I dab at the tears in my eyes, sighing. “You know the worst part? I was doing really well in New York. For the first time since Jason died I was seriously happy and functioning like anyone else. We made friends there. I envisioned myself living with Adam in a place like the one we were renting. My mom thinks I had a mental breakdown, when in fact I’ve never been healthier. So not only have I probably lost Adam, but I’m back to having to earn my parents’ trust all over again.”
“Did you tell them that?”
“They don’t believe me. They thought running away with Adam without telling them meant I must’ve relapsed. They thought it was an impulsive thing to do, just to defy them.”
Kelly sits at my side, perking to life as if an actual light bulb has been lit above her head. “Come with me back to camp! There’s an opening for another counselor! You can get away from your parents and make a little more money so we can get a place together this fall like we planned!”
“Kel, I can’t just
leave
. It’ll be like you said, they’ll try to get a court order to make me stay.” And that could easily lead to another commitment in a mental ward, even though I’d continue to insist I’m okay. I couldn’t deal with everyone treating me like I’m insane again.
“So
let
them. You can prove to the court that you’re not sick. You’d pass all the tests.
Anyone can see you’re mentally stable. No offense, but your mom has her head too far up her ass to see the truth half the time. She’s really controlling, Jewels. You’re never going to get ahead if you’re
grounded
like a teenager for the rest of the summer. You’re always saying you have no idea what you want to major in, so who cares if they cut off your funds? Spend a few years working and then get your shit together so you can finish with whatever you eventually decide on. Nothing is holding you back to stay here.
You can start over wherever you choose.”
I stare back at her, wide eyed. “Do you comprehend the level of shit I’d be under if I were to take your advice? We’re talking forehead deep,
at least
.”
“I’d say you better start looking for a snorkel to wade through it.” As a smile crosses Kelly’s face, I realize she’s laid out the path I’ve wanted to take, but was too afraid to venture onto.
Maybe there are risks in a life without Adam still worth taking.
Despite my resolve to execute Kelly’s plan, my parents’ threat for a court order never comes to light. I basically have Theo to thank for unexpectedly showing up on our doorstep a few days later with the pickup we left in DC. With his irresistible charm that must come with being a producer, he’s able to convince my parents I was healthy while living in New York, and the “manic episode” was just the lie I claimed it to be in order to bring Adam back for medical care.
After the drama with my parents subsides, I take Theo out for dinner downtown before he checks into his hotel for an early morning flight. He’s every bit a gentleman, opening doors and leading me around the way Adam always does, a big grin implanted on his face the entire time.
“You realize that we’re doing this as
friends,”
I warn when he pushes my chair back to the table. “I mean, I owe you for driving all the way here, but under no circumstances will there be any sexual favors exchanged.”
“Damn! Foiled again!” He chuckles as he sits in the chair across from me. “Do you want to know the
real
reason I drove your truck across the country?” His eyes are bright with an untold truth.
I clap my hands together, feigning the kind of excitement I’ve decided I may never feel again. At least as long as Adam refuses to talk to me. “Your friend decided to cast me for an upcoming porn flick?”
“Adam called me.”
My shoulders collapse. “Oh.”
“He’s having the surgery, Jewels.” He reaches across the table to squeeze my hands, suddenly stony-faced. “He checks into Mayo tomorrow.”
“Wow.” I take a deep breath. “That’s...great.” My dad agreed to drive me up to the camp Kelly’s family manages after Theo flies out in the morning. Rochester, however, is in a completely opposite direction, assuming Adam would let me visit.
“He said you should bring the truck back to him.”
“Oh.” I nod, my eyes drawing down. “Makes sense. His cousin probably wants it back.”
“No,
bonehead,
Adam wants you to come see him before the surgery.” When I look up, a giant grin has spread back across Theo’s sexy lips. “You may be smoking hot, but you sure can be dense sometimes.”
I bite my lip to keep from smiling. “You drove it thousands of miles just so I could take it across the border to see him? You do realize going into Minnesota is not like crossing into Mexico, right?”