Ache for You (Trapped in Three Hill Book 1) (20 page)

              I showered and got dressed, pulling on a pair of soft shorts and a tank top, and one of my favourite thin baby blue t-shirts over it. I looked into the bathroom mirror, seeking my reflection.

              My hair was still a mess, but I liked the bravery that I felt edging from every strand. I pushed the excess skin on my neck back, tilting my head and searching for bruises that I knew no longer existed.

              Mal didn’t have a heavy and violent hand but most men that I had been with had. They used strength to pin point my weaknesses. I had tons of them. My body was mistake ridden.

              I shook my shoulders and breathed my energy in. I could do this, I could stand up straight and strong and pretend like I deserved to do exactly that, even though I knew that I didn’t.

              I left my bathroom light on and headed into the kitchen again. I grabbed a diet sprite and went into the living room to have a nap. I sat on the couch, but it was only a minute before I ended up on my back, again.

              I stared at the ceiling and tried to find meaning in it—a hidden pattern, something special and unique to the thoughts in my head.

              Nothing happened.

              I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk to Torrance, and I wanted to talk to Alex. I wanted to call my parents, but I knew by glancing at the clock that it was too late for that. I rolled over onto my stomach and reached for the house phone we kept plugged into the living room for some strange reason. It’s not like we needed it, we each had cell phones and a computer to
Facestory
message for help if needed it.

              I picked up the receiver and started dialing a number without understanding how I knew it, I just did. I felt like I had dialed it a hundred times in the last twenty minutes. It rang and rang, and I let it. His voice is clipping on the other end as he told me to leave a message.

              I didn’t. Instead, I hung up and tried and tried again. I got nothing but his voice and the gnawing pit in my stomach.

              I kept calling him. I couldn’t help it. I knew that this made me look psychotic, but I didn’t give a shit. I just needed to talk to him; I needed to know where he was headed. I needed to understand everything he was trying too hard to keep hidden. I needed to understand him and for some reason I felt like I already did.  The fiftieth time his voice clipped I did leave a message. Again, I simply couldn’t help it. I just wanted him to hear it.

              “Hey Mal, it’s Cadence. I know this seems awkward, and I swear I didn’t look up your phone number, I just knew it. I don’t know how I knew it, but that isn’t the point of this very one-sided conversation.” I took a deep breath in and started to play with my spare hand.

              “I can’t stop thinking about your kiss. I felt alive when my lips touched your lips, and I felt happiness and depression and warmness. I felt whole for half a minute and I want to do it again. There’s some things we’re going to talk about if we’re going to be friends, but frankly I’d understand if you didn’t want to be even that. I know you’re probably freaked out by all of it, but I love…” I love you, man, I almost said, but I stopped myself before that could happen. I couldn’t love Mal, I hardly knew him and yet I felt like I did for some strange reason. “Anyway, call me when and if you get this.” I hung up and felt like a total idiot. I can’t believe that I just did that.

              And yet I did.

              I have officially lost it.

              I don’t know what I had expected this place to give, but nothingness just wasn’t it. I couldn’t even see the bottom in the darkness, but I knew that later my heart would thank me for this.

              I didn’t want to see how far my best friend had fallen, but I already had. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand a fresh image. Memories are easier to subside when they are less vibrant.

              I know this.

              I leave Buffalo Falls the way I found it. With an empty head and a thousand unanswered questions. My chest ached with every movement, but I did my best to ignore it. It felt like forever since I had done this, just gravelled in my loneliness, totally ready to drown in it.

              It was a relief to stop fighting it for half a second. I let it in, I accepted it.

              My life was utter shit.

              It hadn’t always been, but lately I just looked around and saw only that which was meaningless: school, my place, my reflection.

              My thoughts didn’t just suddenly turn to Cadence because they had never let her begin with. She was every star in my sad imagination. She was the water and the wind, and I didn’t fucking understand it.

              There was no loss when she was touching me, skin on skin. We had barely even done anything, and I wanted to do it again. When she kissed me, it was like all the shit had never happened, as if the loss of my best friend was just a nightmare I couldn’t get out of my head. The way I felt around Cadence wasn’t new, but I wasn’t used to feeling it. The only other person who had ever made me feel like that was dead.

              I woke up to a pounding that for once wasn’t in my head, I was still on the couch. Still on my stomach. I had no idea what time it was, but I got up just for the hell of it. “What do you want?” I called as the pounding stopped and started once again. I knew it was coming from the front door, but I headed to the back because I was simply a chicken shit.

              I touched the lock and turned around again, the sound of a man breathing was persistent and desperate. Unforgiving at its finest.

              I knew who was at the door before I even found the courage to open it. When I finally did open it, I felt my heart shatter in my chest. Mal looked back at me with sadness in his eyes, but his body felt like the humming of an engine. He rushed towards me with his eager grasp, and I sunk right into it like an idiot.

              My chest touching his, I tilted my head back and kissed him. Our kisses are suddenly filled with longing and tasting of innocence. I reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. Looking at his bare chest and marvelling at the deliciousness of it. His skin was perfect, strong.

              He formed my ideal safety net.

              I backed up out of the kitchen and felt Mal’s hands sliding down past my ass. He pushed my shorts down, and I stepped out of them, his hands making quick use of my shirt. He disposed of it.

              I kept walking backwards. I was not afraid to trip, I knew he would catch me if I did.

              “You should fight me.” He said against my lips. I was already breathless, but I kissed him again just for the hell of it. I was now completely naked, and he was still wearing pants. “You should tell me that we shouldn’t do this.” I knew he didn’t mean it but for some reason I think it makes him feel better to say it.  I knew he wasn’t trying to make me feel bad for being easy for him. He was giving me the chance to get away from him, but I wasn’t about to take it. Not a chance.

              We backed into my bedroom, and I pushed the door open with my hip, leaving the light off. I felt myself stepping around a mess of clothing and books that I had long ago read.

              My bed found us as we tumbled on top of it, a mess of moaning and tangled limbs. Mal rid himself of his pants, holding himself above me with both hands. I felt safe. I felt guarded. I felt noticed.

              He kissed me again, and I knew that there wasn’t any need for words even if I could make myself find them again. I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t do anything but touch him. I opened up to him in a way that made me feel like I had never been with any other man before him. All that mattered was this, and I was totally one-hundred-percent okay with that.

              At least for this second, I hoped this would last until my death.

              Mal’s hands found my hips as his lips left my chin, finding my neck and my breasts. He chewed on my skin. Licking it and tasting it. I arched my back, waiting for him to fill me and he did.

              It felt like heaven. Moving as one with him. He grabbed my hair and pulled it and slapped my sweaty skin.

              I felt reddened. I felt exhausted and when he finally dropped onto my chest, skin against skin, only caving in once we had both been pushed to our limits. I reached out to touch his chin. I pushed his dark hair back. I loved him.

              I don’t know how I knew it but I did. I felt like I had always loved him; he was just a part of my history that had been blocked out of my existence until I was ready for it. Until I deserved it.

              I wanted so badly to tell him, but I was terrified of him leaving and never coming back to me again. He looked so handsome. Asleep on my chest, an angel, and a gigantic one at that.

              I couldn’t help but laugh.

              Mal stirred, and I automatically felt bad for waking him.

              Crap.

              “What was that?” he moved and almost hit me in the nose with his forehead, I pulled away for half a second, readying myself for a blast of aggression that never hit. Mal didn’t even have his eyes open.

              “What was what?” I asked.

              He smiled, and I touched his lips with my hand, tracing the look of happiness on him. It made my own heart swell with hunger and regret—a regret I couldn’t pinpoint or understand.

              “You laughed,” he smiled again. God dammit my heart just couldn’t take it. “I liked the sound of it. Scratch that, I loved the sound of it. Do it again Cadence.” He demanded and the sound of my name on his lips didn’t make me laugh. It made me do the opposite.

              I lifted my head and kissed him.

              He held back for half a second before moving his arms to either side of my head, caging me in once again.

              I lifted my legs around his waist and felt alive when he thrust into me again, solid and strong. He had a strength that could ruin anyone who neared it as he powered into my body, taking all of my sense with him.

              I thought only this. I would give anything to feel this way again and again. I never wanted to lose him or it. The price of emotions is rising the more that I thought about it. What wouldn’t I do for this? I was almost afraid to ask.

              I woke up on top of Cadence. Still buried deep within her warmth, I was almost embarrassed. Surely I hadn’t fallen asleep in the middle of all of sex? Her smile told me that no, I hadn’t.

              “Good morning, sleepy head,” she said with a soft kiss to my forehead. I lifted a hand to the flesh of her chest. Giving her left tit a little smack, she flinched before I kissed the reddened skin. Glancing up at her expression, she looked happy, glad, and I wanted to know the reasoning behind it. I wanted a way to define what we just did. Over and again.

              It felt like more than just sex. I knew that it had to be more than just sex. I felt it in every sense. I so desperately wanted to make sense of it, but I was worried asking about it would just ruin the moment.

              Could I risk it?

              “Whatever you want to say just say it,” urged Cadence. Her voice was still soft, her face still seeming to radiate peacefulness.

              “I don’t know what happened,” I said before I could talk myself out of it, Cadence opened her mouth to laugh, but I jumped up and silenced her with a quick kiss, “don’t laugh, I am well aware that we just had earth shattering and mind blowing sex but what I mean, and yes I am about to be a total bitch about this, but what does it mean? What did it mean for you and us?” God I hated saying that. Us.

              The two of us as a couple was a terrifying thought, and I hated myself for admitting that but I couldn’t help it. Everything was just so sudden. It freaked me out a wee bit. God.

              I had turned into a total bitch. I pulled the blanket up around Cadence so that she wasn’t cold or embarrassed to be with me like this. So naked, it was probably a stupid concern but I still felt it.

              I looked up at Cadence again, afraid of what I would feel if she was looking at me like I was an idiot, a strong man turned into a door mat. But she didn’t. She touched my chin and sighed again.

              “We’re friends,” she simply said. “I mean that’s something isn’t it? Let’s be friends and see what happens.” She shrugged, and I immediately felt my stomach twist. Well, that was like being drop kicked onto a mountain made of cement and pricks. I couldn’t help but flinch.

              Well then…I peeled myself off of her salty skin and pushed back the blankets so that I could free my feet and stand. She didn’t try to grab for my hands and this also was like being repeatedly sucker punched in the stomach. It shouldn’t have been.

              I’d had one night stands, dozens of them. But this felt different. Everything with Cadence had felt different since the second she forced her way into my kitchen. I felt like I had known her my whole life rather than five minutes. I felt a comfort in her presence that slipped under my skin and soaked in. She was sunlight drenched in darkness but for some reason, I was all in.

              Too bad Cadence wasn’t. Once I was out of the bed, I breathed calmly in and started looking for my pants. I bent over to look under the bed, and it made Cadence laugh again.

              Fuck I loved the sound of that.

              “You have a nice ass man, it’s like firm and adorable but still tough, you know? Not many guys have an ass that looks like it could kick another ass’s…well ass.” She grinned into the back of her hand, turning on her side as she watched me scour through her mess of crap. Her bedroom was covered in everything a woman could ever purchase.

              Most of it was tucked away into corners, but I could still see most of it. Her dresser looked like it was stuffed full, panties and bras spilling over the edges. I found my pants, pulling them up and over my dick.

              Cadence was still watching me when I found a man’s jacket that I knew I hadn’t showed up with.

              Fuck. My brain swarmed by how many dudes had been in her bedroom before I had, if my dick wasn’t already dead those thoughts made it limp. I wanted to go home and have a nap. I tried not to look at her as she said something in a soft whisper. I didn’t want to care anymore. I started towards her bedroom door.

              “Where are you going?” her soft voice carried in such a way I hadn’t yet heard. She sounded small and scared. I suddenly turned and realized what I was doing had upset her. She had been talking to me, laughing and here I was, getting up and getting out without so much as a “see you later alligator.” Sometimes my idiocy burned.

              “You said that we’re friends, but I don’t want to be friends. I’m not going to be some guy you fuck on the side whenever you feel like it. I know we’re moving a little quickly, but I don’t have time to wait around anymore. Whatever this is, wherever you came from I wanted to make it work. I wanted to get to know each other up close and personal without a trial stage first. I was all in without any question marks, but you just putting all that down, well that hurt. I’ve had enough hurt, and I carry it every which way that my body works. I don’t need fresh scars.”

              Her face didn’t crumble and fill with tears, reminding me of another reason I liked her. She kept herself together, for the most part, I never felt like she was a step away from crying in my arms. I liked girls who could deal with the world with cold fingers, especially if those ice fingers had also melted my heart.

              “I’ve never had a guy say shit like that to me before,” she whispered, looking at her floor. I had my hands on my hips, but I moved towards her, bending down to brush back the front part of her hair. On her the look totally worked. She looked hard core. It made my dick hard.

              I couldn’t help but kiss her. Pulling away to intertwine my hands with hers, she had my whole heart, and I didn’t even know her, and yet I knew somehow that this would work. Almost immediately I wanted us to move in together. I didn’t care if it was a rushed start.

              Taking our time wouldn’t save our hearts. Or lock down a decent future. We had now. That’s all that mattered.

              “Move in with me,” I told her. “I know you have some reason for living here but whatever it is, you can still do it from my place. I promise you, I won’t stand in your way on anything unless it puts you in danger. I just want to know that you’re safe in my arms. If that’s too much for me to ask you, I don’t know what we’re doing here.”

              I tried to stare unapologetically down at her but the way her lips quivered almost killed my nerve. I didn’t want to frighten her.

              I also didn’t want to lose her. For some reason I felt like this would hurt not worse than everything that had hurt me before, but as if it would be the final pull, tugging me away from her forever.

              The exact
her
that I was referring too didn’t matter.

              All I saw was Cadence when I looked at her, but my heart told me a million different things better and worse. She felt like her. Different and like I said, better and worse.

              “Say something baby because I’m dying over here.” I knelt down in front of her, slowly kissing each finger. I use my best puppy dog eyes to try to sway her. She hadn’t said a word.

              “Mal I don’t know what you want me to say. I mean I can’t move in with you I live here, I need to look after…” she swallowed the words, holding in all the air before blowing it out into the atmosphere.

              I kissed her hard. Harder and harder, climbing back on top of her when she moaned a slew full of words that mattered but I didn’t care.

              She said my name. I heard that part.

              I pushed the blankets back until her naked chest was rubbing against my shirt, finding her and filling her until we had worked out all the words and found what truly mattered: our hearts, beating together as she screamed when I fucked her harder. Upside down and sideways. Face to face and face to hair. It didn’t matter. All I wanted was her.