Ache for You (Trapped in Three Hill Book 1) (19 page)

              Caddie being disturbingly quiet bothered me. I couldn’t quite place my finger on why, but her shy frown did something to my insides. I asked if she was okay for like the hundredth time, but she just kept smiling at me and for some reason, I imagined fangs instead of teeth.

              Caddie looked kind of scary when she was angry, stewing over something that wouldn’t jump out at me,

              I had done something wrong apparently.

              “Are all you girls the same? I mean I don’t blink right and suddenly it’s like World War III only you’re giving me the silent treatment and without you talking, I feel like I’m being hammered by a hundred grenades.” I was speaking without meaning.

              Caddie looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

              “I didn’t do anything. Don’t be mad at me,” she all but squeaked and this made me laugh harder than almost anything.

              She couldn’t even pretend to be scared of me, and I smiled unhelpfully. This girl didn’t play the damsel easily.

              “I don’t know what you’re doing to me,” I told her honestly. “You make me happy, and it’s such a weird feeling. Mostly because it’s not so much happiness as it is looking forward to something. You’re so quick to bite me that I can’t help but want to make you angry or annoyed, but please tell me. Whatever did I do this time?” I was referring to the way she sighed after looking outside, becoming shy suddenly. I didn’t like her pretending to be shy or mousy around me.

              “You’re using me,” she whispered, grabbing my attention suddenly. We were in the produce section, and I stopped so suddenly I rammed my shopping cart into the ass of an old lady. She was bending down to look closer at a display. Her husband grumbled something at me. I wasn’t listening.

              “I’m not using you Caddie,” I told the truth stupidly and easily. I liked the idea of her being cross with me, but the idea of her hurting because of me was like being stabbed in the side. No fucking way.

              “You showed up at my place and came onto me. You inserted yourself into my life without asking.” I took what you were offering. I shut my mouth and closed my eyes, breathing her fire into me.

              She’s crossed her arms. She’s pouting. In front of my oranges and apples. Seriously.

              I’d never known a girl who could look semi-cute while pouting without making me angry. Most of the time when girls pouted it just annoyed me. I hated being pegged as the big bad guy, as if I had done something horrific if I didn’t blend to their way of thinking.

              We stopped shopping in amongst the fruits and veggies and headed towards the meats. I hadn’t cooked anything as of late. Ordering in or going out for food was just as easy but hardly ever cheap. My money train was slowing. I refused to borrow or beg. That just wasn’t my thing.

              “Are you going to ask anything?” I directed my question at Caddie, slowing so that she could walk right beside me instead of behind me, although her hands on my hips intrigued me.

              She kept finding excuses to touch me, sighing quietly whenever her skin brushed mine. I shared the strange relief. As if some big weight had settled on my chest but when Caddie touched me I felt like I could finally breathe. It was terrifying, addicting, strange, new and fascinating.

              She still hadn’t answered me about wanting to get anything. Her side of my cart is empty. I peer down into the mess of groceries. I know that she has a place she must stay, as she never said anything about needing to stay with me. I wonder if the place she’s staying is safe.

              I don’t know why this bothers me.

              “Hello? Earth to Caddie?” Her attention snaps back to me; she’d been picking at the skin of her lip quite violently.

              “Do you want me to take you home after?” Or you could just come with me? “I know you probably don’t want to come back to my place. I’m just going to unpack all this shit and go to sleep. Maybe finish cleaning?” Please come back to my place.

              Should I feel guilty for wanting such a thing? I want to feel guilty.

              I can’t think about the reason without completely breaking so I just push it to the brink of my memories. Everything is easier that way, walking around not quite numb, but somewhat empty.

              My heart wasn’t breaking because it had been broken already. Everything good in me had already ceased to be,
until Caddie
.

              Yeah, that wasn’t something I was willing to scream or even admit to myself in the dark of night, let alone in the light of day.

              I kept walking.

              “My car is at your place.” Cadence’s voice is sullen but not weak; I want to look deep into her eyes and see if they’re heavy with anything or everything that she keeps buried.

              Talk to me,
I want to keep saying, but I know the best thing to do sometimes is not say anything. I make a U-turn through the deli and head back towards the tills to pay, pulling into a line of crying toddlers and pissed off looking old ladies. I take a moment to get a good look at everyone around me.
Walmands
is not a classy place by any means. No one dresses up before shopping, they dress down if anything.

              The woman in front of me is wearing leggings and forgot to put on underwear obviously. She’s not bad looking, but her curves are not mouth-watering, only distracting in the worst way, with the worst parts of her on full display. I know that someone could probably say the same thing about me.

              “I know what you’re doing,” says Caddie, whispering those sweet words teasingly as she stands on her tip toes to reach me. The difference in our heights is only made obvious when we’re both standing upright. I grin mischievously before my brain can sucker punch me.

              “You’re eye-judging that lady and I don’t appreciate it. Seriously Mal, people can see you and if you have a problem with big people wearing tight clothes you might want to glance down at the company you’ve dragged along with you. I wear tight clothes, and I would curl up on in on myself if I were being looked at the way you’re looking at that poor woman right now.”

              Her words are true. I can’t help myself.

              “I like when you wear tight clothes though. You look hot as hell in spandex, especially my spandex and if I ever catch you wearing something loose fitting, I’ll rip it at the seams. Understand me? I’m not judging anybody.” I wasn’t lying, and I was maybe. Straight through my perfect teeth.

              I was cocky and proud of my body. It was one of the things that she always hated most about me. She being the center of my being. I breathed in deeply as the pain overtook me, looking down at my sad groceries.

              “Let’s go.” I heard myself say. “I don’t have time to stand in line all day; I’ll drop you off at your place. You can come get your car later or tomorrow. There’s somewhere I’ve got be.”

              There wasn’t really.

              He left me at my place. I gave him directions, but he stayed quiet the entire way. This got to me.

              “Did I do something?” I almost screeched when Mal slammed on the breaks, reaching past me to unlock my door and push it open for me. He was trying to get rid of me. He fucked me, used me. Ran me dry and screamed at me and now he was dumping me.

              Great.

              Thanks.

              All in the span of like a day. Jesus Christ.

              “What? No, I just need some head-space. I need to think. I’ll call or something,” he lied. I never gave him my number, and he had never asked. He asked for my address and I rattled it off to him.

              He asked out of convenience. That was it. I wanted there to be more to it but there wasn’t. Not in the slightest. What the fuck was going on in my head? I couldn’t grasp the thoughts and feelings that all felt foreign.

              I felt like my head and my heart, had been invaded by aliens. I grunted and got out, slamming the door shut behind me and hating his low riding car, getting out of it was never pretty.

              “Fuck you Malachi!” I screamed as loudly as I could through clenched teeth. I still felt like my heart was breaking when he sped away from me.

              My door was locked, and I didn’t have my keys or my purse or anything that could be of use to me.

              I banged on the door and screamed for Torrance to get his ass out of bed and let me in already. He wasn’t home apparently.

              “Fucking seriously?” I hit the door again just for good luck and turned on my heels, looking out into my parking lot. I could break in, but I didn’t have any tools for that. I also didn’t want to get arrested if one of my neighbours saw and decided to call the cops.

              Knowing my luck, that would totally happen.

              I stood on my front steps for half a minute and just contemplated my sad and pathetic existence. I was a complete and total loser at twenty-seven, how had this happened? How had I let it?

              I knew that I didn’t want to do anything about it simply because I wouldn’t, but I still wanted to hate on myself because of it. I am after all, a woman. Don’t we all do this? Find every flaw on our own retched skin and magnify it? I was used to doing this; I almost took comfort in it.

              I decided to head around back; I could break into one of the back windows without getting noticed. I was almost sure of it. I wasn’t the best at maintaining the yard or the garden, and neither was Torrance, so it was a mess to step through. I was only wearing my flip-flops, and they kept coming off. I had to pause to readjust them.

              Mal’s shirt got hung up on a branch whenever I dared to stop. I tried to keep a leash on my frustration. It wouldn’t do me any good to have a hissy fit in public. I rolled my eyes and tilted my head back, shielding the sun out of my vision with my hand. From this viewpoint, our place looked massive. An impenetrable prison even though I knew it wasn’t.             

              I tried the back door first just because I’m not a total idiot, but stopped cold and dead when it slowly pushed open.

              It wasn’t locked.

              This was a hell of a shock.

              I called again for Torrance just because but when he didn’t respond I knew he was off doing whatnot. He never left anything unlocked; he was a super strict asshole about it more often than not. I was always the one to forget, only to be screamed at.

              I wish I knew what Torrance was so afraid of. For such a big guy, you’d think he wouldn’t be in fear of much but he obviously was. “Hello? Is anyone here? I’ve got a baseball bat and a knife.” I didn’t, but they didn’t need to know that. I walked in and kicked my shoes off, closing the door behind me and locking it. I walked straight forward into the kitchen to make myself a snack but was dumbfounded by the scent that seemed creased into every corner of it.

              Death and sadness. Both permanent.

              I blinked and looked around, covering my mouth and nose with my hands. The floor wasn’t exactly spotless, but it still wasn’t a mess. The counters had numerous piles of crap spread out over them. This was normal; I was used to my place looking like this. What I wasn’t used to was the flash that blinded me for half a second. Green and black, a painting of misery and blackness. A paintbrush smearing on a blank canvas. I saw my death. All of it. I saw myself getting wasted and covering myself in vomit when I puked. I was alone in my kitchen, half naked. The top of my dress had come undone by unclean hands, and I was now a dirty angel on the linoleum.

              I blinked again and stepped back.

              The floor was halfway clean again and the smell of rotting flesh no longer as persistent. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed, or imagined. I couldn’t find the difference between the two. I felt like I was going to be sick all over again.

              “Cadence?” I turned at the sound of my name being said, but it wasn’t a man who said or groaned it. I was used to that.

              It was just nothingness.

              I headed to my once favourite spot, the spot that I now hated. I drove there going way beyond the legal limit. Darkness was setting in, and I almost laughed, it was a Saturday night, and this was how I was choosing to spend it.: alone in my Chevy™ racing into madness. Directly into it.

              Buffalo Falls isn’t a grand tourist attraction. It never has been, but the recent events of its past had tried to change that. Thank God they didn’t, turns out most people were still halfway decent.             

              I drove straight for it even though I wanted to stop and have a piss. I didn’t, I just held it. Blasting the radio before getting sick of it, I reached over in to my glove compartment, searching for music and silence and the best of both of it.

              I finally settled on a CD by
Deciding darkness
Flo loved this kind of shit, and I loved her for it. I skipped ahead to track seven, a song titled
Breakfast
and just listened to the beauty of it.

              The next song was called
in my head
I let my mind sink into the abyss of blackness it always carried with it.

              Inside of my head you live/we have no time to go over this.

             
What was it I felt for Cadence? I couldn’t understand, but I knew for some reason that it had something to do with the grief battling its way into my chest. I already had a home for it.

              I almost welcomed it. The highway felt deserted, but I knew that it wasn’t, cars passed me in blurs, but I failed to notice. My ears were only attuned to the music. My hands had started to twitch.

              Cadence fits into the darkness. That was the only thought in my head that seemed to make sense, even though I couldn’t fathom my meaning behind it. I saw the green sign glowing up again.

              Buffalo Falls, next exit.             

              I signalled and headed straight for it.