A Witch In Time: Magic and Mayhem Book Three (18 page)

My father sobbed in the back of the house and the crowd jumped to their feet. The NASTY people were clapping louder that anyone in the theatre and I was thrilled for my dad. However, I was never doing another show again. Ever.

The play was over. Simon had been wrong. It only took fourteen minutes and twenty-two seconds, but we were a hit. Bob was still standing rooted to the floor in the wings, but he was clapping as wildly as the rest of the audience.

Sassy tackled me and peppered my face with kisses. “I think you might have healed something in my soul,” she shouted over the cheering. “You really are my best friend in the world. I love you.”

I laughed and pushed her off of me before she decided to hump me in gratitude. That would be a total downer and I wanted to end on a high note. And there was one more thing I needed to do.

I hopped up and searched the crowd for Mac. I didn’t have to look far. He was standing right in front of me. There were so many things I wanted to say, but only one thing came out.

“I love you, Mac.”

His grin made me weak. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged me so tight I thought I might break. “I know you do, pretty girl. I’m just glad you figured it out. My Bon Jovi has been in tremendous amounts of pain lately.”

“I suppose we could do a little something about that,” I purred with a sly grin and a giggle.

“Zelda,” Fabio screamed as he rushed the stage and yanked me out of Mac’s arms. “You were brilliant. I am so proud of you. Look at me! I’m still crying. I love you so much!”

“I love you too, Dad.” I kissed his cheek and laid my head on his chest.

“You
must
meet the NASTY people. They are positively raving about you. I’m certain you’re going to be up for a national award for this. Come, come, come,” he said as he pulled me away from Mac.

Mac just smiled and nodded. “I’ll wait for you forever,” he said. “Go greet your adoring fans.”

“You don’t have to wait forever. You have me now,” I promised as I followed my dad into the crazy crowd.

I was happy. I was a lovable witch. No longer was I waiting for the other shoe to drop.

However, that’s when it usually did.

CHAPTER 18

The crowds had left and most of the cast had gone to the Assjacket Diner for the after party. There were only a few of us left cleaning up at the Community Center. The NASTY gang had been impressed and promised a great review along with attendance at all of my father’s future productions. Fabio literally preened and held Baba Yaga’s hand the entire time.

They were certainly a pair, but I was good with it. I wanted my dad to be happy and if happy meant dating an eighties reject with more power in her little pinkie than all the witches I knew put together, then so be it. Maybe my dad would lighten the Yagahiney up. Stranger things had happened.

Sassy, Jeeves and the chipmunks were hugging and giggling. Mac stood with my fat cats and gazed at me with pride and desire. I was definitely hitting the tree house tonight. It was time to let my hair down and get laid.

“Baba darling, do you know of a warlock or genie named Ber?” Fabio asked as he played with her Bo Derrick braids.

It was a good question. Baba Yaga knew everyone. We needed to pay Ber off and get Chutney back—the sooner the better.

“A genie?” she pondered aloud as she tapped her long, highly manicured nails on her swath of black rubber arm bracelets. “No, I can’t think of a genie named Ber.”

“Might be a lesbian,” Fat Bastard chimed in unhelpfully.

“I’m sorry. What?” Baba Yaga asked, confused.

“Ignore him,” I told her. “What about a warlock?”

“Well, if Ber is a nick name, I can only think of one and he practices very dark magic,” she told us with a shudder of disgust.

The Chipmunks scurried over with wide eyes and jaws working. Sassy and Jeeves also joined the conversation. Mac stepped up next to me and the cats flanked my feet.

“Hesabadbadbadbadbadman,” Chunk cried out as he stood close to his brothers.

“If you’re speaking of Bermangoggleshitz, then you’re right my little one,” Baba said as she absently patted him on the head.

“What in the frackin’ hell kind of name is Bermangoggleshitz?” Fat Bastard demanded laughing so hard he fell on his fat kitty ass.

“Great Goddess in a tutu,” Fabio hissed as his eyes narrowed to slits. “Don’t laugh. That son of a bitch is dangerous.”

“Fabio is correct,” Baba Yaga concurred. “Why are we even discussing the horrible man?”

“Do you want to explain or should I?” I asked the chipmunks.

All three chipmunks had passed out cold. Clearly we’d nailed the name on the head. However, relaying the circumstances to Baba Yaga was going to be a challenge.

“Suffice it to say the chipmunks owe him money. He’s holding their brother hostage. I’m going to pay him off for the gum-smacking idiots and Sassy and Jeeves are going to adopt them while they work off what they owe,” I told her.

“We’re keeping them even after they work off the two hundred grand,” Sassy chimed in.

“Interesting,” Baba Yaga said as she approached me.

I backed up just in case I’d said something she didn’t like.

“You’re using your own money to do this?” she asked in a deadly quiet voice.

“Um, yes,” I whispered in reply as I racked my brain to figure out if there was some random ass magical rule against paying off gambling debts of chipmunks.

She was silent for about fourteen seconds too long. I started to sweat… and then I got pissed. Wait. This was bullshit. It was
my
money—albeit inherited. I could do whatever I wanted with it. Baba YomyrealnameisCarol could bite my ass. I liked the stupid unconscious chipmunks and I wanted to help.

“I don’t care what the rules are, Carol,” I snapped as I got in her face. “And I don’t care if you don’t like it. I’m the damn Shifter Wanker here and I’m keeping my people safe. It’s my money and… ”

“Goddess, you’re going to be a wonderful Baba Yaga when your time comes!” she shouted gleefully as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me lovingly.

“Thank you,” I muttered as I spit one of her braids out of my mouth. “Wait. What the
fuck
?” I screeched as I wiggled out of her grasp.

“I haven’t told her yet, darling,” Fabio said as he pulled Baba Yaga back just in case I started swinging.

“Whoops,” she trilled. “Surprise!”

Yep, it was a surprise and not a welcome one. Now I knew what the cats and my dad had been discussing when I was spying on them. I was barely used to being the damn Shifter Wanker. Becoming the next Baba Yaga was not on my list of things to do in this lifetime.

“You’re not retiring any time soon?” I questioned the nut job in charge.

“No, my young witch,” Baba promised. “You’ve got a long way to go before I can retire in good conscience.”

“Thank the Goddess for that,” Sassy commented loudly.

I shot her a glare that made her step behind Jeeves. As much as I agreed with the sentiment, I was the only one allowed to speak it.

“So are you saying this Bermangoggleshitz is not a lesbian?” Fat Bastard inquired still cackling over the ridiculous name.

“Oh shit,” Sassy screeched as the room filled with an acrid green smoke. “That was the third time, you dumb ass. You’ve conjured the lesbian.”

“So he
is
a lesbian?” the Bastard choked out as the smoke filled his lungs.

The walls of the Community Center rocked ominously and threatened to cave in. Black snakes slithered across the floor and hissed at us. Mac picked up the chipmunks and tossed them to safety up in the rafters and then quickly put me and the cats on a table. Sassy grabbed Jeeves and levitated above the hungry serpents as Mac shifted and began tearing them to shreds.

“Damn it,” Baba Yaga snarled as she and my father floated up above the fray. “Bermangoggleshitz has to be battled with dark magic.”

“I don’t have black magic,” Fabio growled as he shot deadly red fire at the snakes.

“Neither do I,” Baba said way too calmly, considering vipers were now climbing the walls. “But someone here does.”

Son. Of. A. Bitch. I had dark magic compliments of my mother. I’d never used it, but I supposed there was no time like the present to try it out.

“Someone summoned me?” Bermangoggleshitz said in a flat bored tone.

I’d never seen anything like him in my life. He was huge and had horns. His hair matched his eyes, which were as black as night and he smelled like shit on a stick. Goddess, was this what dark magic did to a witch? Would I turn into an abomination if I used mine? Would any of us make it out of here alive if I didn’t give the evil sorcery a try? Shitshitshit.

You’d think having to play Joan Crawford would have been enough for a gal, now this?

“It was an accident,” I said trying to reason with the nightmare before I had to attempt blowing his ass up.

“I don’t believe in accidents,” he bellowed. “I sense the ones that owe me money. Give me my money,” he roared.

“Not so fast, Bermangogglestinkyshitz,” I shouted back as I levitated off the table and floated toward him.

“What did you just call me?” he demanded.

“Bermangoggleshitz,” I replied with an innocent smile.

“No you didn’t,” he said as his eyes squinted to beady slits.

“Yep, I did,” I shot back, thinking that my maturity level wasn’t serving me well at the moment. “And you’ll get your money when I get Chutney back.”

“I ate him,” he purred and then belched.

“What?” I shouted as black flames shot from my hands.

He’d had eaten poor Chutney? He was not getting his money and he wasn’t leaving alive.

“I’m kidding,” he hissed with a chuckle that made me want to heave.

“Your sense of humor sucks,” I snapped as I held up my hands so he could see he had some competition—at least I prayed he did. I had no clue what I was doing, but bluffing was second nature.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” he muttered as he waved his hand and Chutney appeared coughing and chewing gum frantically.

“Money?” Bermangoggleshitz inquired as he gripped Chutney by the neck.

My father snapped his fingers and a large wad of cash appeared in my hands.

“Get rid of the snakes, hand over Chutney and you’ll get your money,” I instructed tersely as Mac growled beneath me on the floor.

“Did you bring interest?” the abomination asked as he bared sharp teeth at me.

“Did you come here to get what’s owed to you or did come here to get your ass kicked?” I snarled as I pointed at his head and let a small zap fly—at least I thought it was going to be small.

A glittering bolt of black magic darted from my fingertips and blasted Bermangoggleshitz into the back wall of the Center with a sickening thud. He dropped the screaming Chutney in his shock and fury. Mac, in his wolf form caught the chipmunk and dragged him to relative safety.

“Who are you?” Bermangoggleshitz bellowed as he recovered and came right for me.

“Blow the lesbian up,” Fat Bastard grunted as my cats formed a semi-circle in front of me.

“Everyone take cover,” I yelled as I wound up and flew right at the evil freight train that was gunning for me.

We both stopped mere inches from each other. My insides churned, but outwardly I displayed calm. I was really glad I’d told Mac how I felt. I’d hate to bite it without him knowing that I loved him.

“You want your money or do you want a piece of me, you stinky assbucket?” I snapped as my upper body began to smolder in swirls of black glitter.

“Again,” he ground out. “Who are you?”

“I’m the Shifter Wanker and you’re in my territory. I’ve had a really bad day and you’re not helping my mood. I’m tired, hungry and I need to get laid. If I have to turn you to dust to accomplish that, so be it. You can take your money and leave or I can keep your money and Chutney and send you back to hell. Your choice.”

I prayed to the Goddess and every deity I could think of that Bermangoggleshitz would take the money and run during our twenty-seven second stare down. I had no idea if I could take him out, but I knew I would die trying if I had to.

“You amuse me, little Shifter Wanker and your dark magic is strong—if untrained. Today I think I will simply take my money and leave. However, we shall meet again. Eventually you will need me,” he said as he held out his calloused hand for the cash.

“Don’t bet on it, Bermangagmeshitz,” I shot back evenly and handed him the money.

“But I’m a gambling man,” he informed me with a laugh so hideous I blanched. “Till we meet again.”

With that, Bermangoggleshitz poofed away taking his snakes and his stench with him. I dropped to the floor and curled into a ball. Mac shifted back and took me into his strong arms.