A Witch In Time: Magic and Mayhem Book Three (12 page)

“We can’t,” Chad wailed with his little eyes squeezed shut. “We’ll die for sure.”

“So you’d rather eat Chunk’s man nuggets?” I asked.

“IcanteatballsIcanteatballsIcanteatballs,” Chunk cried out shaking like a leaf.

Damn it, I knew I wasn’t going to make them eat each other’s nuts. I was unbalanced, but I wasn’t insane—or mean. These dumb asses were working for someone—someone who had a vendetta against the theatrical society of Assjacket. Why the hell anyone would be obsessed with horrific theatre was beyond me, but Shifters were crazy.

“So it’s a thespian behind this?” I questioned.

“He’s not a lesbian, Ber… ” Chip said and then blanched a frightening shade of white as the others whimpered in real fear at the unintentional partial reveal of the mastermind’s name.

Score one for the term thespian…

“Who’s Ber?” I demanded.

Again with the radio silence. However, it was now coupled with terror like I’d never seen in my life. My need to protect them from Ber, whoever he was, came roaring to the surface. What the hell was wrong with me? Chip, Chad and Chunk had come to kill me, or at least break my legs, and I wanted to keep them safe? Dang it, the new leaf was making me soft.

“Are you going to answer me?” I asked in a low tone that made them quake even more.

“I will eat my own balls if I have to,” Chad whispered.

“It’s not actually your balls. It’s your buddies’ balls,” I reminded him.

“I will eat Chip’s balls. Chunk can eat my balls and Chip will eat Chunk’s,” he gagged out as the others nodded sadly.

What in the ever-loving hell? They would eat each other’s nut sacks instead of talking?

“How in the Goddess’s name can I help you if you won’t tell me what is going on?” I shouted as sparks flew from my fingers.

“You want to help us?” Chip asked doubtfully.

It was a fine question and one I wasn’t certain how to answer.

“I’m not sure. You’re weird, you have bulgy eyes and the gum smacking is almost enough to make me want to zap you into the Next Adventure, but the fact that you would eat your friends’ banana sacks willingly gives me pause.”

“Because we’re kind of pathetic and cute?” Chad supplied hopefully.

“Cute is pushing it. However, you nailed it with pathetic,” I said as I blew out the tip of the wand and shoved it back in the drawer.

What was I going to do here? I needed to know what they were hiding, but I was well aware they were not going to talk. Any idiots that would ingest testicles were firm in their silence.

Shit.

And then it got even better.

“Mommie, I’m home,” Sassy yelled as she clomped up the stairs of
my
house.

Of all the stupid fucking things I had to deal with, I now had to add Sassy to the equation? Wasn’t it enough that I had gum-smacking terrified chipmunks on the ceiling?

No.

Wait.

Maybe Sassy’s method acting was a random ass blessing in very deep disguise.

“Sassy, get in here right now,” I shouted.

“My name is Christina.”

“Whatever,” I snapped. “Bring your delusional butt in here immediately.”

“Goddess,” she muttered as she entered my room. “You actually sound like my real mother.”

I quickly sat on my hands and bit down hard on my bottom lip. Sassy was wearing my hot pink Prada combat boots and they didn’t even go with her freakin’ outfit, which thankfully wasn’t mine. New leaf, new leaf, new fucking leaf.

I needed her assistance and magically singeing the hair off of her head or zapping a few Mount Rushmore sized zits onto her chin wasn’t going to help. It would have been terribly satisfying in the moment, but I was trying to think more long term these days.

“Sassy, I have a little problem and I need your help,” I said, lamenting the fact that I needed her at all.

“It’s Christina.”

“Okay.
Christina,
” I ground out through clenched teeth. “I could use a hand here.”

“Does it have anything to do with the contortionist act of weirdos hanging above?” she asked as she walked over and examined the Shifter pretzel on my ceiling.

“Yes. Yes it does. And while they may be weirdos, they’re growing on me, so let’s use the term odd.”

“I can work with that. What would Mommie like me to do?” Sassy asked as she tilted her head and poked at the frightened trio.

Shitfire. Kill me now. Was I really going to play? Yes. Yes… unfortunately I was.

“Well, um…
Mommie
can’t get the information she wants out of the little dorks. They came here to kill Mommie to stop the play apparently. Now while I understand that I have absolutely no talent, I find it absurd that I should die for something that petty,” I explained without choking or breaking into hysterical laughter. Maybe I was a better actress than I thought. “Honestly, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have followed through on the killing part, but they woke me from a really good dream.”

“Sex dream?”

“Yep,” I confirmed.

“Do you want Christina to kill them for you, Mommie?” she asked with wide eyes and a sweet smile as Chip, Chad and Chunk shrieked and whimpered in fear.

“Um, no. While I find it bizarrely and alarmingly nice in a revolting way that you’d offer Mommie such a lovely gift, I’d prefer you just dig around in their brains and find out who sent them and why they’re really here. They won’t tell me even with the threat of eating their own nuts.”

“Hmmm,” Sassy said as she sat down on my bed and pondered my request. “Chipmunks have really small brains. It’s not going to be easy for Christina to extract information without possibly exploding their heads.”

Sassy turned away from the hanging and now gasping Chad, Chip and Chunk and winked at me. She was going to be the death of me, but right now I loved her. Maybe the added incentive of exploding would get my new frenemies to talk.

“Guys?” I questioned. “How’s that sound?”

“Badbadbad,” Chunk blubbered.

“It’s not exactly the way I want to go, but if it has to be… so be it,” Chip said quietly.

“Great balls of magical fire,” Sassy yelled and began to pet the trio of incompetent killers. “I won’t blow you up. Some say it tickles when I go brain diving.”

It was clear that my pseudo daughter felt sorry for the idiots, too.

“Sassy’s right,” I told them. “I don’t know about the tickle part, but she’s somewhat skilled at extracting the truth. If she pulls it out of your brains, then you didn’t actually admit anything.”

“It’s Christina,” she cut it.

“It’s going to be Bald Girl any second now,” I shot back.

“Got ya,” she said with a thumbs up.

Chad, Chip and Chunk glanced at each other warily.

“I suppose that would be okay,” Chip said slowly with a shudder. “But you could be putting yourself in grave danger by knowing too much.”

“Danger is my middle name,” I said with a smirk. “And I...”

“Is it really?” Sassy asked, surprised.

“Is what really?” I asked, exasperated.

“Is Danger really your middle name? I mean, it’s kind of strange… Zelda Danger. I guess it works, but I figured it was something like Zelda Donna or Zelda Tina or Zelda Jowanna.”

“It’s Claire and if you say anything else I will give you a pig nose and buck teeth,” I warned.

Sassy made the international zip the lip sign and closed her mouth.

“Everybody listen,” I stated as I wiggled my fingers and lowered the pretzeled chipmunks to the floor. “This is how it’s going to go down. Sassy, I mean
Christina,
is going to take you to the basement for a little fact finding. It’s a nice basement and easy to clean if there are any bodily fluids emitted during the procedure. Plus I can fix up any booboos—short of death that Sassy might cause.”

“You mean Christina,” Chad reminded me politely much to the great satisfaction of Sassy the evil method actress.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I meant,” I ground out.

“Waitwaitwait,” Chunk blustered in awe. “AreyoutheShifterWhisperer?”

“Wanker. I prefer Shifter Wanker, and yes I am.”

The little dudes communicated silently for a moment and then bowed their heads to me.

“We are honored to be in your holy presence,” Chip said solemnly. “We are very sorry for even considering breaking your legs or harming you in any way.”

“Holy is taking it a bit far,” Sassy snorted.

Technically I agreed with Sassy, but I was the only one allowed to say it.

“
Christina
I’d suggest you keep your petty jealousies to yourself or I’ll be compelled to remove the feet that are illegally wearing my combat boots.”

“Roger that,” she replied with a grin and an eye roll.

Back to the matter at hand.

“
Christina
, are you on board with this plan?” I asked wanting to get a few hours of sleep before sun up.

“Yes, but like I said the gray matter is sparse in a chipmunk. This could take a day or two,” Sassy said as she picked up the twisted ball of chipmunks and headed down the stairs.

“The faster the better,” I said as I watched her gently take the little goobers away. “And don’t hurt them.”

“I won’t Mommie,” she called over her shoulder. “I promise.”

My life could not get any stranger.

At least I hoped not.

CHAPTER 12

“They’re in your
basement
?” Mac growled as he paced my kitchen in agitation.

I nodded and yawned. It was eight AM and I’d barely gotten any sleep. My house was full of people and all I wanted to do was curl up in a chair and take a quick nap. Of course I’d dressed with care to offset the baggage I was carrying under my eyes. I wore a wildly colorful Betsy Johnson fitted maxi dress with my pink combat boots that I’d stolen back from Sassy. Lookin’ good and feeling crappy.

My dad, Roger, Fat Bastard, Jango Fett, Boba Fett and Jeeves sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and eating the coffee cakes Fabio had very thoughtfully baked. I’d eaten an entire cake before everyone arrived so I was full for at least the next hour.

“You didn’t detect the chipmunks?” Fabio snapped at Mac as his fingers sparked with displeasure. “They could have killed my daughter and it would have been your fault.”

“Whoa,” I shouted as Mac lunged at Fabio. “First off, I can defend myself. And Mac
did
know they were in the area. It’s why he was patrolling with the Pack. The chipmunks took the highway,” I explained as I separated the two hot heads.

“Ain’t no highway in Assjacket,” Fat Bastard informed everyone as he hid some cake in the silverware drawer for later.

“The treetops,” Mac said, impressed. “I didn’t think the chipmunks were smart enough to try something like that.”

“They’re not smart and they’re lousy poker players. I’m sorry I lost my temper,” Fabio told Mac as he removed the cake from drawer and smacked Fat Bastard in the head. “I’m a little hung over after my father-daughter bonding with Zelda last night.”

“Apology accepted,” Mac said as he scooped me up off my chair and settled me firmly on his lap. “I’d die before I let anything happen to Zelda.”

“No one is going to die for me or anyone else,” I snapped, avoiding the fact that Mac had just made a statement that no one had ever made about me in my life. It was as scary as it was sexy. “The chipmunks seem harmless and I’m sure there’s someone else behind it. They were afraid to tell me so I sent Sassy to the basement with them to pick it out of their brains.”

“Sweet Goddess in an outfit from Walmart,” Fabio gasped out. “Is that safe?”

“For who?” Fat Bastard grunted as Jango Fett and Boba Fett joined him in laughter.

“I’m going down there to protect my woman,” Jeeves announced. “Fabio, I’d like the recipe for this cake. It’s outstanding. Did you use buttermilk?”

“Yes! How perceptive of you.” My dad beamed. He was quite pleased that the finest chef he’d ever come across liked his cooking. “You should try my scones. To die for.”

“I’d enjoy that,” Jeeves said as he picked up the baby blue tux jacket that he’d paired with stonewashed jeans, flip flops and a wife beater.

His look was so wrong it was almost right.

“We’ll join ya,” Boba said as he grabbed the two remaining coffee cakes from the table and balanced them on his head as he waddled toward the basement. “Sassy works better with an audience.”

“Tell me about it,” Jeeves said with a huge grin and an enormous blush.

All movement in the room ceased and I was sure I heard a few covert gags. The food in my stomach roiled and it was all I could do to keep it down.