A New Leash on Life (17 page)

I found myself worrying about silly things I hadn’t worried about since high school, like if my lips shined enough or if my eyes sparkled. I wanted her to notice the extra squats I suffered through every morning and how my jeans fit me just right as a result of them. I wanted her to compliment my new highlights and my new perfume. But, she focused in on business, mostly every second while in my presence.

Disappointed, I obsessed over getting her attention. One day, I even cut clinic visits shorter just so I could run into her more often throughout the rush of the day. I even invited her out to dinner one night, only to be more disappointed when she’d also invited Trevor, Natalie, and Melanie.

I lost myself in her all over again, and I didn’t like it. What would happen after more time? To a certain extent, she controlled the shelter. She morphed into our sugar mama. She managed to strangle my heart in several short weeks. She stole my focus.

One day, she had sunk into my chair during a meeting, smiling lazily at me as I talked on and on about Melanie and her housing predicament. Her eyes soothed me and released me of worry, which really only served to rattle me later when my body still quivered from her small, innocent blinks and smiles.

At moments, she would speak in words wrapped in silk as if sharing a secret. Her warm breath would swim in front of me like a summer breeze and, despite my best efforts to block the rush, I’d get all tongue-tied and flushed. I worried that I’d morph back into the old Olivia, let down my defenses to the woman who swooped in and saved all of our life dreams.

I figured if I could get past the construction phase, I could deal with her as the sugar mama to the shelter for many years to come and be unclenched by her sexy vibes and unconcerned with who she slept with and how she lived her secret life outside of the times when she was wielding a clipboard or pointing to a misplaced molding.

So after a few short weeks of working with her, and after another half dozen visits from contractors, I hugged her to thank her for helping me to get the Clark Family Shelter back up and running with a future that looked bright for our furry companions. I melted into her embrace, ignoring consequences. I massaged her back, and pressed her harder into me, not wanting to let go of the magic in the moment. Her heart pelted against mine. Before I knew it, I lifted my head and kissed her. She pulled back and I wouldn’t let her. I reeled her in and soon she softened in my arms, and melted into my kiss, matching my passion. I hungered for her and didn’t care if I got lost forever in her. I wanted nothing or no one else in that moment.

She pushed off of me. “I can’t do this.” She exhaled, her face beaming red. She bent over, hands on her knees taking in air.

“Why not?”

She raised her head and looked me in the eye. “I’ve got a boyfriend.”

I collected myself, stood up taller, and secured my arms by my side refusing to transform into that lanky tomboy too consumed with the girl’s beauty, left hanging by a thread while she moved on without me, unwilling to stop in her pursuit for better. “I see.”

She rose and traced my arm. “I want to. I just can’t.”

I wouldn’t play the fool. “It was just a kiss. We’ll just forget it happened.”

She poured me a smile as smooth and creamy as honey.

I could steer this back to normal. “How about we go get something to eat with the gang before you head home?”

“Ah,” she said, “that sounds perfect.”

I pushed her towards the doorway. “Well, get going, then, girly,” I said giggling, wrangling away the awkward kiss with friendly banter. “My tummy’s growling.”

She giggled along with me.

I followed her, trying to reclaim my lost sense of dignity with a couple nudges and giggles.

Disappointment plagued me. A guy had once again managed to take over Chloe’s heart.

~ ~

Two days after my kissing fiasco, Melanie called me and told me to come see her right away. Something big happened with her house. Too wrapped up in emotions, she couldn’t drive. I left Trevor in charge and ran to my best friend’s aid not sure what I’d find when I arrived.

When I pushed through her front door, she was sitting on her velvet couch, hands folded in her lap, jasmine tea steeping in her cast iron teapot on the coffee table. I rushed towards her. “What’s wrong?”

She folded her lips inward, shook her head, and then laughed. “Relax. You look like you’re ready to faint.”

“I thought I’d come here to find your house vandalized or burned down to the ground. You sounded emotional. You’re never emotional.”

“Well, today I have reason to be. Someone bought my house.”

I dropped beside her. I hung my head and braced it between my hands. “Ugh, I feel terrible.”

She placed her hand on my back. “Don’t.”

“But, I do.” I pulled at my hair, and even that didn’t relieve the pressure mounting. “It’s so unfair.” My words garbled under my anguish.

“Hey,” she said, lifting my chin with her finger.

I looked into her soft, reflective eyes filled with gratitude instead of hatred. I sniffed back some tears.

She circled under my eye to catch them. “Why are you crying, my friend?”

“Because I just ruined your life.” I ground my teeth, adding to my pressure.

“Because of four walls?” She swung an arm over my shoulder and pulled me in. “Oh come on, now. You know me better than that.”

I rocked side to side with her. I could paint a rock for her and she’d act no differently over it than she would if I presented her with a diamond necklace. “How long before they kick you out?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

I snapped up. “What are you going to do? Hang out with the new family while they play X-Box on the weekends and offer them reiki treatments in between their turns?”

“I’m not being kicked out.”

I shrugged away from her arm, frustrated with her need to drag everything out at snail’s pace. “What the fuck is going on?”

She laughed. “Seems you’re not the only one Chloe has a soft spot for.” She winked. “She really surprised me when she told me her plan. Please don’t ask me to go into the details because I wouldn’t remember. She spoke like an investor and I pretended to understand just to be nice, but that lingo goes right in one ear and out of the other.”

“Chloe bought your house?”

“Technically, I think so. I signed some papers and she brought those over to the county office and filed some paperwork, paid up the back taxes and mortgage and is the owner on paper, but I still get to have my name on the title. I don’t know it all. Too confusing. I just know that I don’t have to go live with Phil and give up my independence.”

“You could’ve lived with me.”

“Well, I started dating Phil again once he got back from his mother’s. It was the wisest choice. The last thing you need is me clinging to your couch every night. Besides, I really did need a proper reiki room.”

“So you were going to use Phil?”

“It would’ve been an even exchange. I give he gives. We all win.”

I winced. “So, what do you do with him now?”

“He’ll probably be thrilled that he doesn’t have to rearrange his life for me and my candles and sage sticks. He’s a sweetheart, truly. He’ll remain my friend.”

Phil would be heartbroken without the romance. “I really thought you two were adorable together.”

“Well, it’s your fault, really. You got me all crazed up about Jacqueline and finding her again.”

“As a bisexual, I would imagine, it must be hard for you to choose between a man and a woman.”

She tilted her head and mocked me with a smirk. “Being bisexual has nothing to do with who you love. Love knows no sexual boundaries.”

“I don’t buy it. You and Chloe are both wishy-washy.”

“I can’t speak for her. For me, if I ran into Jacqueline again, I wouldn’t let go this time.”

“Then, that’s a mighty big lid to uncover. What if she’s still married?”

“That’s why I’m not opening it. Imagination is key. I can live in my dreams. Just as long as they’re not clouded by unnecessary baggage, like men I don’t care to live with if I don’t have to. Speaking of baggage, this means I won’t have to pack up all of my crap.”

“So, what’s in this for Chloe?”

“Once my credit is back up and functioning, I’ll be able to get a loan and pay her out. I’m sure she’ll get some money back on her investment of me, eventually.”

No words managed to filter through the questions running around my brain.
Was this a scam? Could someone be this generous? What did she want from me if not my love?

When I got to my truck thirty minutes later, I texted Chloe to thank her. She replied with a smiley face and the simple message, “I know you would’ve done the same.”

How did she go from being the selfish one to being the redeemer? Why did she bother? One minute she’s tossing flirts and the next she’s stepping back into the arms of a boyfriend.

I wanted her to flirt with me. I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted her to work by my side every day and not just on Saturdays now. I liked seeing her face during the day. I loved eating sandwiches and potato chips in my office with her.

I feared losing her again. I couldn’t pretend I enjoyed being alone anymore. I wanted to snuggle up in bed with her and watch movies on cold, rainy nights. I wanted to go hiking with her and a couple of the dogs and picnic on a rock. I wanted her to want me again. One thing was for sure, she would be tied to me for a long time if she waited on Melanie’s credit to increase.

A frothy mix of euphoria bubbled over in me.
Get a hold of yourself, girl.

~ ~

Josh visited me that night at my apartment, like he did most every Tuesday night since our parents died. He offered me a Corona from the twelve-pack that he carried in, and I took it from him much like a weary child stole back her baby doll after a punishment episode.

“What are you so stressed out about?” he asked.

“I shouldn’t be stressed out.” I wagged my head side-to-side. “I’m just overwhelmed by some things.”

“Let’s hang out on your deck.” He walked straight through my living room, past the mess of clothes I’d left on my recliner that morning and right out of the sliding door onto my deck, which overlooked the quiet terrace below. Of the twelve apartments in my complex, Josh and I, on his routine visits, were the only ones who enjoyed the peace of the fake palm trees, climbing ivy and bright stars.

Before my parents’ accident, Josh avoided me. He treated me like one of the unpopular kids in high school. On holidays, he’d arrive late just so he wouldn’t have to engage in small talk. At his wedding, his wife, Bridget, invited our cousin, Marilyn, to be a bridesmaid instead of me. When I graduated with a four-year degree, he didn’t even bother to mail the RSVP back. He just didn’t show and didn’t bother to tell anyone. He treated me no better than he would treat a bum on the street. I always assumed his coolness rose out of his jealousy over how our parents treated me like the sane one and him like the dumb fool. I was the golden child, he the reckless lunatic.

Our father especially treated Josh like shit. The two could barely sit through a dinner together when Josh and I were in high school. My dad would take his plate into the den and eat on a tray table in front of the television set as he watched reruns of the
Dick Van Dyke
show.

Josh didn’t care much for our mom, either. He once slipped to me that she annoyed him, especially the way she cackled whenever she spoke.

I happened to love that most about her.

Things weren’t always strained in my family. Things turned around for the better just about the time we were setting to graduate high school. Josh made All-America and colleges up and down the coast were recruiting strongly for him. I remember my dad peppering his finest advice to him throughout all of this recruiting. He wanted Josh to choose his favorite team, Notre Dame. Josh wanted Florida State because he wanted to live in a warm climate. My mom begged him to choose somewhere close by so he could still drive home for dinner on the weekends every once in a while. Josh eventually caved to our mother and chose College Park. This thrilled them because not only would he play for a great team, but they could easily get tickets and see their son in his glory.

Then after a few wild party nights and groundings, he acted out and backed out of his decision to go to College Park, instead deciding to go to his first choice, Florida State. But he decided too late. Florida State rescinded their offer and scholarship because they’d given the opportunity to another bright star. So, Josh, to the surprise of many, rescinded on a full ride to College Park and ventured to a third division school in south Florida.

The next time I saw Josh was on his wedding day when my dad handed him a cigar and a brandy and begged him to do a shot with him. Josh obliged, looking very much like an older man now towering over our gray-haired dad. That was the last time I could recall seeing the two of them sharing a pleasant memory together, smiling, arm-and-arm, caring about one another once again.

The next time I saw the two of them together, Josh knelt beside his coffin blubbering away, hugging me tight as we mourned the death of both of them.

Since then, Josh had been the epitome of the perfect twin brother. My parents’ death jolted him back to life, to responsibility, to the great brother I remember him being as a kid. He watched over me, protected me, guided me to make the right decisions and to constantly be aware that this world was a terrifying place filled with people just vying to take over the control.

So, as Josh sat down next to me on my deck, it surprised me when he said how blessed I should feel that Chloe showed up willing to help, and that I shouldn’t have been confused by it.

He lit a cigarette, a habit he picked up in college and never quit. He offered me one. I reached over and stole one from his pack. He lit it for me. The good brother. We sat smoking on my deck, one cigarette leading to three, then four, then five. By cigarette number six he had me fully convinced that Chloe was a genuine friend, and I should be happy for her that she loved some guy.