Sam and Lucy talked and drank for the next hour.
They discussed the possibility that the events leading up to and surrounding Martyn Taylor's trial had been the cause of his fall-out with Carl. They mused over the fact Sam appeared to have a guardian angel watching his back, having been rescued from danger twice now. When Sam told her about his visits to Arthur Bennett and Bill Seymour, she gave him a look of concern.
'I still think you should leave it to the police,' she said, slurring her words slightly. She had watered down her whisky for the last few drinks, but Sam could see she was looking worse for wear. He felt a little drunk himself.
'I know what you're saying, but-'
'Look, Sam, I'm really not trying to tell you what to do,' she insisted. Sam could hear the urgency in her voice. 'I wouldn't do that. I'm just worried you're getting yourself in too deep here.'
'That's why you surprised me when you rang,' he told her. 'I thought you were going to give me a hard time. I didn't expect you to invite me round for a few drinks and to stay the night.'
'Why not?' she asked, looking puzzled.
Sam chewed on his lip.
'After the way we left things this morning,' he said, giving her a wary glance. 'Then, with me going back out and nosing around...'
Lucy laughed a little, hiccuping as she did so. Embarrassed, she put her hand to her mouth.
'I'm not that bad, am I?'
Sam shook his head emphatically.
'No, you're not. But you would have been well within your rights to say “I told you so” as soon as you found out what happened tonight.'
She turned to face him.
'Sam, about this morning, when you clammed up after joking about me being a nagging wife...'
He suddenly felt awkward. She was staring deep into his eyes. They were sat close together on the sofa, their knees touching. He could smell the fragrance of her perfume.
'I'm sorry about that,' he said. 'I didn't mean to be so abrupt with you.'
She shook her head slowly without relinquishing her gaze.
'No, it's not that. It was the distant look in your eyes.'
Sam didn't know what to say. He gripped his glass tight.
'Something happened to you, didn't it, Sam?'
He could feel his heart beating faster. Pounding inside his chest.
'You lost somebody and you've been struggling ever since. Drinking as a way to cope.'
A lifetime of images flooded into Sam's head.
Faces.
Laughter.
Joy.
Tears.
The pressure in his head was suddenly immense. He felt as though his skull was going to explode.
'Talk to me, Sam. I know the signs. I've been there.'
'I'd been working undercover in the force for years. If the truth be told, I enjoyed it. The danger. The challenge. It was addictive. Playing a part. Mixing with the criminals. Turning them over at the end.'
Sam realised his whole body was trembling. Taking a gulp of whisky, he had to hold the glass with both hands. Lucy had her feet tucked under her legs and her head against the back of the sofa. Tilted towards him. Watching him. Listening to him.
'Two years ago, I was working on a job down south, investigating a big crime syndicate dealing in everything from heroin to young girls. It had taken me eighteen months to work my way into their group and gain their trust. I'd gathered all the information we needed and it was time to pick the bad guys up.'
Sam took another mouthful of whisky. He could hear Lucy's soft breathing only inches away.
'We had to set up a sting to catch them. To put the gang away for a long time, it was decided I would set up a drugs deal bringing all their main players together in a warehouse, along with a large amount of their merchandise. Then, with the trap in place, officers would swoop. It was risky, but nothing I hadn't done before.'
Memories. Painful memories. Sam was right back there, re-living it all.
'Only while I was setting up the deal, something felt wrong. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. The gang's attitude had changed towards me in some way. It felt as though they had sussed me out. They still went along with the meet, agreeing to the deal as I suggested, but it felt like they were playing me along. I went back to my boss and told him to scrap the operation. Walters was his name. I told him there were too many bad vibes, but he wasn't having any of it. He said too much time and money had been invested to pull out. We argued it out, but his mind was made up. The trap had been set, and I was to wait back at the station while the officers went in.'
Sam felt his stomach churn. He put his glass down, unable to drink any more. To his surprise, Lucy took hold of his hand and held it lightly.
'What happened?' she asked, her voice barely audible.
'I waited and waited. Hours passed by. When the guys finally got back to the station, I could see from their faces it had all gone wrong. They told me they'd found the warehouse empty. Not a sniff of the gang or their goods. They had known the meeting was a set-up. I had been right to be suspicious.
'We were sat in our office at the station. Nobody was saying anything. Everyone was too disappointed to talk. Then my phone rang. A voice on the other end told me to wait for my punishment and hung up. That's all he said. Wait for your punishment.'
Sam swallowed hard. Lucy squeezed his hand gently.
'I didn't know what to make of it. Neither did the other blokes. Then, a couple of minutes later, my phone rang again. It was my wife. She was screaming.'
Lucy gasped sharply.
'She was screaming for help. Crying and shouting, calling my name out over and over again. I asked her what was wrong. She tried to tell me, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. Her words weren't making any sense. She was too hysterical.'
Sam had to stop talking for a moment. The emotion was choking him up. He took deep breaths to compose himself. Lucy's head was almost on his shoulder. She wasn't making a sound. She was holding her own breath.
'Then I heard my daughter screaming as well in the background. The same panic was in her voice. “Daddy, help us!”, she was yelling. My wife and daughter were both begging me for help and there was absolutely nothing I could do. They sounded so scared. They were terrified. I was at my wits end. I kept asking where they were. What was wrong. I managed to catch a few clear words off them. They were in my wife's car. The brakes wouldn't work. They were going down a hill...heading for a junction...'
Sam paused once more, but he knew he had to finish. He couldn't stop now. He had waited too long to let it out.
'Then my phone went dead. I tried ringing back but there was nothing. The other guys had gathered around me during the call. I can remember looking at each one of them, not knowing what to do. Where to start searching for my wife and daughter. I saw Walters in the doorway. He had been standing there, listening. He didn't know what to say.
'An emergency call came over the radio. A multiple pile-up at a busy junction a few miles away. We all went. I knew before we got there it was them. There were three burnt out vehicles at the scene. Some stretchers had been placed on the side of the road. Each one had a body on it with a white sheet over the top. One of the stretchers had a smaller body on it. I knew it was my little girl.'
All of a sudden, Sam could hear gentle sobbing. He felt a dampness on his shoulder. It was Lucy. Tears were trickling down her face.
'The others wouldn't let me near the stretchers. They held me back. My mate, Richie, went over to have a look. He knew my wife and daughter well. I watched him from a distance, talking to some of the paramedics. He went from one stretcher to another, pulling the sheet back on each one. After the third one, he walked back over to me. It took him an age, as though he were walking in slow motion. I couldn't wait any longer. I ran up to him and grabbed him by the jacket. There were tears in his eyes. He told me he was so sorry...'
***
Sam sat silent for a long time. He never moved. He just stared down at the carpet, lost in his thoughts. No tears came. He felt no anguish or relief, just emptiness and exhaustion. Lucy shifted her position next to him. He turned his head and looked at her. She had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder. Her cheeks were still wet.
Sam put the tray down on the table and shook Lucy gently by the shoulder. With some effort, she opened her eyes and looked at him in confusion. Her make-up had smudged in places, and her hair had worked loose into a tangled mess, but looking at her right then, Sam felt a stirring once again in his heart.
'I'm returning the favour,' he told her. 'Tea and toast. I wasn't sure your stomach would be up to anything more than that.'
She yawned, rubbed her eyes and stretched out her arms. Sam watched her look of surprise as she realised a duvet was covering her legs and a pillow supporting her head.
'You have looked after me, haven't you?' she said, giving him a warm smile. 'Where did you sleep?'
Sam nodded towards the armchair.
'This is becoming a bit of a habit,' he said. 'Falling asleep in the living-room.'
Leaving her to eat her breakfast, Sam got a clean set of clothes out of his holdall and went into the bathroom to get changed and freshened up. He gave some thought to the day ahead. It was Sunday, so Lucy wouldn't have work. He wondered what her plans were.
He returned to the living-room to find her still on the sofa. She had her feet tucked beneath her legs once more and the mug of tea in her hands. Sam was pleased to see her plate was empty. However, she was looking at him pensively.
'About last night, Sam.'
'Yeah, that was a bit heavy,' he said with some understatement. 'I didn't mean to offload it-'
'No, that's okay. I asked you to tell me. I hope talking about it will help.'
Sam didn't reply. He wanted to change the subject, but he had the feeling she wasn't finished yet.
'It's just that...'
He could see she was struggling, afraid to push him too far.
'There are things you want to ask?' said Sam.
She gave him a wary look.
'Only if you want to,' she replied tentatively.
Sam sighed. It was only natural she would want the whole story.
With some reluctance, Sam told Lucy about his wife, Elizabeth, and their daughter, Danielle. About their life together, and his time apart from them since.
Elizabeth and himself had been childhood sweethearts. Madly in love, the pair married young and were overjoyed when Danielle arrived in the world. Elizabeth was beautiful, clever and funny. The only woman he had ever loved. Danielle was his little princess. She had inherited her mother's good looks and incredibly dry wit. Sam would listen contentedly for hours as the two women in his life bounced off each other with mischievous humour. But Danielle had also inherited her father's daredevil attitude to life. A trait that made him love her all the more. The three of them were as happy as any family could be.
If there was one dark cloud on the horizon, then it was Sam's job. It sometimes took him away from home for weeks on end, leaving Elizabeth on tenderhooks, worried about her husband's safety, and causing confusion for their growing daughter. By the time Sam took on the big job down south, he had decided to request a transfer to another department in the force. A position putting less strain on his family. He was contracted for one more year in his undercover role. After that, he was out.
Then fate cruelly stepped in. By chance, the syndicate he had embedded himself into had an insider within the force. A pen-pusher with a talent for hacking into computer systems. And, as chance would have it, only days before Sam was due to trap the gang, the mole hacked into top-secret police files detailing the undercover operation. Totally unaware he was now known to the gang, Sam continued with his plan. In the meantime, his adversaries drew up one of their own. A ruthless blueprint that would leave the police with egg on their faces and make Sam pay for his audacity.
The inside man hacked into the system for a second time and sealed the Carlisle's family fate when he uncovered Sam's personal details. In a brutal move that sent lasting shockwaves throughout the police force, the gang cut the brake pipes on Elizabeth's car. The pitiful consolation for Sam was his wife and daughter had most likely been killed instantly on impact. Seven people had perished in total that day as Elizabeth's car helplessly travelled through a red light and piled headlong into busy traffic.
Sam was immediately placed on compassionate leave to mourn for his wife and ten-year old daughter. As he sat at home, numb with shock, supported by his fellow officers, the police hunted down the men responsible with a vengeance. The gang's inside man was identified and arrested almost immediately, and following the most intense questioning, he soon gave the police the names they wanted. In no time at all, every member of the gang had been picked up. Lengthy sentences were handed out to reflect the severity of their crimes. The men responsible for the death of Elizabeth and Danielle would be spending the rest of their lives behind bars.
None of this made any difference to Sam's world. He had lost everything. The shock gave way to denial, which in turn transformed into ferocious anger. An all-consuming rage that had no focal point. So, he drank and he dreamt. Every day he tried to smother the immense pain of his loss with alcohol. And every night he had nightmares about the two people he cherished the most, his subconscious cruelly envisaging their last terrifying moments. As the weeks passed, his drunken rages wore down even the most sympathetic of colleagues until only Richie was left prepared to put in the hard graft of sitting up all night with him. Putting him to bed. Making sure he ate. Then, in a well-intentioned move, it was suggested by Sam's superiors that he return to work. The idea was to give him back some focus. Occupy his mind. Reluctantly, Sam agreed.
However, there were two stumbling blocks. His drinking and Walters.
Allowances were made for his alcohol intake. Mindful of his outstanding previous record, senior officers and colleagues alike agreed Sam just needed time. The booze was his way of getting through the recovery period. It was an approach they were to regret with hindsight. Another decision they came to rue was placing Sam back with his old team. Back with Walters.
Nobody was to know it, but the only thing holding Sam's interest anymore was Walters and his hatred for the man. In short, Sam blamed him for what happened. He told Walters that if the raid had been called off and the operation scrapped as he had requested, his wife and child may still be alive. It had come to light the gang leaders had furtively watched the police swoop on their premises and only then cut the brakes on Elizabeth's car. Would they have still done so if the operation had been aborted? The guilty men never gave up that information, but the findings were enough to enrage Sam even further.
Walters, for his part, took it badly. He was humble and apologetic, but it was no good. He had lost the trust and respect of those around him. It was an oversight he was never farmed out far away from those he was perceived to have let down. To put Sam back with him was an even bigger mistake. It didn't take Sam long to mete out his own brand of justice. One day, Walters made a casual remark to him about his timekeeping and that was it. Sam snapped. The physical assault he unleashed on Walters was frenzied and ferocious. It would have been more serious had others not stepped in to drag Sam away.
That was it for Sam and the police force. Soon after, he found he couldn't stand living in his home anymore. It held too many memories. With time, everything in his life became a stark reminder of happier times. The streets he walked down. The friends he talked to. It all became too suffocating for Sam. He realised he had to cut his ties and break free. Try to start afresh elsewhere.