A Matter of Love in da Bronx (54 page)

--Eyhh! Cumba! The fuck you doin'?

Sam knew he was a cab driver even before he could focus on the half-worried, half-angry eyes on the basketball-sized face wearing a sculptured full beard and a pith helmet. He was also aware he was being helped up from a horizontal position off the street. Guided to the curb, he saw the cab angled crazily, and felt hands brushing at his clothing.

--You won the lottery, right?

The biggest fat man he ever saw. --Huh? Who you?

--I'm God. Sometimes life I take, sometimes I give. With you, I think I give. You okay. You fine.

--Lottery?

--You walk ina fucking street like you head up you ass. So? Whatsa news? He held up to his face Mary's letter still clutched in Sam's hand. He read it. Fucking dame.

--I love her.

--Look, Cumba, nothing I to do for you. There's no room ina casket for the hard-on. So? Wanta lay back down ina street?

--I want to die.

--So? I putcha back ina street!

--Yes...No! I must see Mary.

--I see the problem. Self-fellatio. Ride wid me, talk it out. Les go.

--Let me ride with you.

--Das what I said. You be a body of confusion. What I talk of?

-- Tell me of love.

--Ya got it. As he got in the driver's seat next to Sam, who was positioned as a porcelain piece staring ahead, the letter on his lap, he asked if Sam was more in the mood for something like the Bible, or Spinoza, or Kahlil Gibran, which he pronouned like the "G" was under water. No matter, he didn't like Czzzzeee-bran anyway, besides he was a Boston boy, and what the fuck do they have compared to the numen of the Bronx from which he derived his self-derivative eclectic philosphy which was sought out by scholars of the world. He would soon write a book. --What would I say? F'r'instance... He began with the formation of the universe, the creation of light, and the establishment of life. By the time he got to Man and Woman, he'd stopped for lunch twice, carried twenty-seven fares, and went through nine bottles of Dr. Pepper. It was when they got to City Island that he stopped the cab, took his corpulent self to a bench in the sun where he spread his arms along the back of it like a soaring bird, extended his legs, and stared hard to the sea. It was several long, long minutes before Sam found himself leaning against a post, arms folded staring at him. He was demolishing a huge Italian hot meatball grinder. He offered Sam a Dr. Pepper. Sam remained wordless and shook his head. This is like love. What you see is Dr. Pepper. What I'm really drinking is wine.

And there it was before him.

Romantic love is the personification of the altered state--body, mind, soul. It is an innate capacity reflected in perceived expectations wishing fulfillment. It is the embodiment of the highest level of phantasy to be realistically experienced by the total being. In its truest sense, love is to be only once in a lifetime, all else a mere silhouette. --Cabbie, where can I rent a furnished apartment?

--Fa yourself?

--Two of us.

--Ayy! Are you in luck! My aunt! Up on Lurting Avenue. Five minutes!

Love, tell me of your love. What does it feel like, what does it do, how do you know?

Swirling. Lots of movement. Not just one way...like a vortex; more like the mixing of different colored smokes from a number of fires. I feel as a figure, small, clinging to a form. I know only the sensation of wanting, of needing. I can sense the warmth for which I so desperately yearn. Then, the softness, and I lunge for the teat to suckle. As I do, I grow, all over. I no longer cling, I touch; then, from touch I embrace, and the white marble of a figure melts with me. We're like two waters that flow wildly together, with no beginning, no end; no division between us; no longer any us but a single being. We have done it. Created.

Magnificently.

With his feelings blown to the wind, Sam didn't know what was going on inside himself until he read the note left under the weighting iron on the cutting table when he returned to the shop. Of course, it was signed by Sol. He was back.

The pieces were all coming together.

THE MANIFESTATION of Mary's love came when she walked out of the elevated station that evening after work, and knew she would find Sam before her. Perspicacity had nothing to do with it. Her factious heart pealed with the knowing of it. Her teeming brain filled with the trepidarial preparations for it. While trying to quell one, she rehearsed the other. The greeting would be calm, controlled, matter-of-fact. --Really, Sam, you can be a boor. ...I'm sorry you feel that way, I don't care to discuss it. ...I asked you not to try to see me. ...I'd like to be alone, thank you. ...Perhaps some other time, some other world. ...Tah-tah! Shit, he wouldn't believe her unless she could carry it off. He'd match her stride for stride right up to...it better be Santini Moving and Storage and not her front door! So, she'd better be good, and she'd better be prepared! There would be only one chance to do it. If he saw through her, all would be lost! No! No! Sam! For God's sakes! Believe me when I tell you to leave me alone, or all is lost! by what bit of grace or fortune would she save him harm?

My namesake, Mary, Mother of God, help me!

After what I've gone through the past several days, there's more to endure. This world is not meant for the faint of heart, only for the hardening of the heart. God was trying to tell me of the evil I would bring by doing wrong. But how could love, the most beautiful of the emotions, cause such harm? From that moment in the room, when, despite all our efforts, the consummation of our love was not to be, I should have known. It took no more than a kiss after to have our world shattered, and my dearest Sam collapsed as a sack of mail on the floor by the stairs. Then, God save us forever from again hearing that peircing scream from Weezie, --Lou has been hurt! Call an ambulance! Oh! Jesus! Rather I would be cut in two than to have to witness again the sight of such as Sam kneeling beside Lou. What an impiastro of love, and hate, and compassion and torment! To be so helpless! Is this what life is about? To watch a soul a-burning and be bare-licked by the verysame flames? Lou died. Sam died. I died. How did Sam perservere that longnight through? Then, to have yet the capacity to arrange so beautiful, so fulfilling a tribute...I never knew the mind could function with a fractured heart...and so impeccably. I should arrange to have Sam arrange my funeral. That woman sang like she owned a piece of Lou's heart. God! How her work made the well in my heart overflow! As beautiful as Lou. And the soldier! What a touch! That's the splendor that comes of knowing a soul truly, it all is so fitting. How his notes sailed sharply through the air, sad but sturdy, wailing for the one who is gone but offering courage for those who must go on without him. What a moment! Can I ever look at the ocean again without having Lou touch my shoulder? He saw that you were toasted in style, Lou! What a fete! That's exactly what I want for me when I'm gone! High honor, simple high honor, indeed! Oh! Lou! You're gone! But you knew how much I loved your dear friend. We can never give to him what he has given to us, and now, quite deliberately, I must cause Sam more pain. I think I would rather die. Truly. Help me...

--I love you, and...

Sam's voice came up from behind me as I walked out with the crowd from the station. He knew if I spotted him, I'd be steeled, I'd be prepared for his assault. I was off-guard, but not as much as he might have thought. At the same moment I saw Vito, standing, waiting by his car. He saw me, and waved.

--...you love me.

How my heart twisted with the truth of it! Oh! Sam! My dearest! How I want so much to hold you, and feel the heat of your kiss course though my veins. Your words alone set me to fire. I must gasp for my breath. But, also, I must wave joyously to Vito before I turn to see the pain I cast clutch your throat. Vito! Of course! How unexpected! and exactly the person who can help me carry this off to convince Sam to get out of my life! --Vito! How nice! I call, as I turn bedecked in an attitude to Sam. Sam, what a pain in the ass! really! Don't spoil it for me, Vito's waiting. Did I do it? Did it do it? Does Sam lunge for my throat, does he leave? does he, God, no! take me in his arms? He holds me with a touch to my elbow, those deep brown eyes hard on mine.

--Say you don't love me.

--I loved you once.

--Say you don't love me now, this moment, and I leave your life forever.

If I don't say it, you'll leave my life forever. Better to have you in this world, than not at all. --Oh! Sam! We had a nice fling. A beautiful puppy-love-come-lately. I've had enough. Haven't you?

--Say the love I have for you, the love you have for me isn't the greatest this world has known in ages.

--Sure. Love and lettuce will get a squink from a rabbit, but it won't do much for a vine covered cottage and me.

--You want me to think you're doing this for money? I know differently.

--How about non-performance?

--Incompatibility! Mary, anybody in the world can fuck; nobody, anywhere in the universe can love each other as we do.

The intensity, the truth of his words swept my mind like the winds whirling my thoughts, my wishes to fling myself to him. Darling! Oh! My darling! I must do what I must do! -- Look, Vito doesn't like to be kept waiting. I wasn't fast enough. I just wasn't fast enough. I had to keep the two of them from saying anything to each other. I turned to run. It was two steps, no more. Vito was before me staring bullets at Sam.

--The fag bothering you, Mary?

Sam's reach for Vito just managed to capture my left breast as I moved between them reading his thought. --Don't be a boor, Sam. Go make some money.

--Go make yourself a man. Mary told me!

Vito, you are a cidrool, a real piece of cucumber. Why couldn't you have just kept your mouth shut? How do I stop Sam from committing mayhem, written all over his face? Not by insulting him, by appealing to our love. --Sam, you're too strong! I can't keep you from him, but you've got to know you're embarrasing me! Vito, if you don't leave with me right now, you'll never see me again!

--Mary told you nothing, you cidrool!

There I was riding in Vito's car, riding out of Sam's life, riding past heartbreak. I didn't dare look back at him, I needed all the compassion I had for myself.

If heartbreak, pain and sorrow is what earth offers, no wonder life itself is given as a gift.

 

MOUNTING THE STAIRS then standing before the door of the Dolorosso apartment, Sam gave no consideration of who would come to the door, or what the reaction would be. He might've cared if his thoughts weren't filled with MaryMaryMaryMaryMary! He would see her, whatever it took.

--What? through the slit made by the opened door.

--Hello, Aunt Lily. I'm Sam...

--I know. What you doing here?

--Mary, I'd like to talk to Mary.

--Mary not home, come back some other time.

--Aunt Lily, I just followed her home. I know she's here. I'm not going until I talk to her.

--Go away, Sam. Go away. Is just trouble.

--It's important, Aunt Lily, and I'll stay until I see her, I don't care of Uncle Rocco and the British Commandos try to stop me. Just tell her I'm here, please...

The door closed, a bolt thrown.

He barely had time to pace the short hallway, when he heard the bolt slide, the door open, and Lily say, --No! She say go way. Go way! The door closed.

Before she could throw the bolt again, Sam rapped loud and long. --I want Mary to decide that, Aunt Lily, not you. I know she'll see me if you tell her I'm here.

The bolt went home carefully, with thought. The next time he heard it, only moments later, the door flew open, and Mary charged out.

--Are you crazy? What are you doing here?

Sam reached and took her hand firmly in both of his. He looked into her eyes. --You must come with me this instant, it's a matter of life and death...

--What?

--I'm not joking.

--I'll tell my moth...

--There's no time. I have a cab. Come!

She held back momentarily, then allowed herself to be led down the stairs, into the cab with the big fat driver wearing a pith helmet.

Isn't this wonderful? It's just marvelous! Mary just...came right with me! I knew I had to do that. There was no other way. I could've sat around for months trying to discover ways to see her, none of them would've been satisfactory, I know, besides who wants to wait. This way, look at her! Right beside me! I almost lost her, I don't know why, but the fact that she came with me, and so readily means she still loves me! Oh! Mary! Never stop loving me! How my heart sings! How I adore her! Look at her, out of breath, the creases in her forehead cut from concern. Wait until she finds out what I have in store for us. I had to do it. I just had to do it, or my live would've been shit! I knew I had to go right to her door. The surprise of it, that's what did it!

Talk about surprises! I should've known Sam would come right to the door. God! I never went down those stairs so fast in all my life. I almost fell down the last flight! I wonder what is wrong? Where we're going? Who's hurt? God! It wouldn't be his mother or father, its...

--It's me, Mary, I would've died if you didn't talk to me. It's not Louisa. You would know if she's all right.

--Oh! She's fine. She dating...

--That's fast. Anyone I know?

--Nice fellow. The soldier.

--The soldier? The one I had for Lou's funeral? Mary nodded. They sat side by side not talking for a short while when he squeezed her hand tightly in both of his. --What was that all about...before. You can tell me, whatever it is. I know something was wrong but not with us.

She shook her head as if she could chase the thought from her mind. A thin smile cut across her face, she avoided his eyes, looking down at their hands instead. --Vito said he would send the men after you again only you would end up like Lou did if I didn't stop seeing you... There it was. He might have known. He would confirm that information tonight when he saw his old friends at the restaurant, they knew everything that happened on that level in the Bronx. He felt the rage burble inside for what Vito had put Mary through. The poor kid was just caught in the middle, listening to both sides of her heart: she wanted to be with him, but didn't want him hurt, either. There was time to square with Vito Cidrugli. ...and you must promise there will be no revenge. Nothing. Swear.