50 Ways to Play

50 Ways to Play

BDSM for Nice People

By Debra and Don Macleod

J
EREMY
P
.
T
ARCHER /
PENGUIN

A member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

New York, New York

JEREMY
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.
TARCHER
/
PENGUIN

Published by the Penguin Group

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Copyright © Debra and Don Macleod 2012

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eBook ISBN: 978-1-101-61020-6

Introduction

Sex is supposed to pack a punch. It’s supposed to take you off guard, make you hold your breath for what might come next, gasp with discovery, quicken your pulse and consume you, mind, body and soul. Sexual desire should make you say and do things that you would never normally say or do, and the severity of physical sensations should paralyze you. Sex should set
you on fire, so that an unrecognizable shade of yourself comes alive in the smolder.

Take this pop quiz to see whether your sex life is as body-and-mind-blowing as it should or could be.

Pop Quiz

1. Are you physically aroused by the intensity of your partner’s desire for you?

2. Do you find yourself fantasizing about unorthodox sex acts with your partner?

3. Do you
feel physically and emotionally exhausted after sex?

4. Is erotic desire a prevailing theme in your relationship?

5. Do you occasionally feel (pleasant) pain or (exciting) fear during sex?

6. Do you regularly lose yourself in erotic role-playing, restraint or rough sex?

7. Do you imagine being “used” by your partner during sex, or using him/her?

8. Do you use a variety
of sexual aids to intensely stimulate all your senses during sex?

9. Does your partner sometimes seem like a different person during sex? Do you?

10. Do you revel in the sexual anticipation of what your partner will do next?

If you or your partner answered “no” to any of these questions, you’re not alone. Many couples feel that sex has lost its erotic impact and, if you’re one
of them, it’s time to add a few kinky weapons to your after-dark arsenal. Actually, forget “a few” and add lots of them. Moderation is for sexual puritans. There are
fifty
thrills and chills in this book, boldly borrowed from the world of BDSM—Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism. These edgy ideas are guaranteed to get the juices flowing and the nerves firing like never before. And despite
their deviant reputation, they are essential elements of a healthy sex life, even for nice people like you.

For some reason, romance and gentle lovemaking have a monopoly on mainstream sex. Of course, sex should be loving and meaningful. But that doesn’t mean you always have to stare deeply into each other’s eyes or move as one in the missionary position. Consensual rough-and-tumble sex,
with a dose of high-sensory kink and BDSM for good measure, is noticeably absent from many couples’ sex lives, and many partners are unhappy with the vacancy. They complain of bland, routine sex lives and crave something harder and faster, something that consumes them with desire, excitement and exhilaration. They want something that injects an erotic buzz into their everyday life and makes them long
for nightfall.

Gentle caresses and candlelight can’t always do that. That is why I never suggest romance movies to “spice up” a love life. I can’t think of anything more predictable. Instead, I recommend horror films. They get the blood pumping and the adrenaline flowing. They make you hold your breath and wait for the ax to fall. They bring energy and excitement into your evening. Think
of this book as a horror flick as opposed to a romantic “chick flick.” You and your partner can enjoy it together, without any risk of falling asleep halfway through.

1. A Red Room of Pleasure & Pain

Not too long ago, I had occasion to visit a legal brothel in Nevada on business. I was given a tour of the facilities by a friendly courtesan in high heels and a garter, and several of the working ladies showed me their “bedrooms,” which they were allowed to decorate as they wished. The irresistible appeal of the place became tangible the
moment I stepped into these bedrooms.

Each prostitute’s bedroom was decorated in classic bordello style. The walls were painted in solid, bold, deep colors—scarlet red or burgundy, emerald green or deep, deep purple. Almost every king-sized bed had a canopy over it, with sheer fabric flowing down to envelop the square of the bed into an even more private and sensual space. The bedding was
satin and the air was fragranced with intoxicating incense. There was absolutely no mistaking what was supposed to happen in those rooms. These ladies were professionals at setting the mood.

Look around your bedroom. What do you see? A laundry hamper full of dirty clothes? An exercise bike in the corner? A pile of bills on the dresser? A laptop on the nightstand? Boring beige walls with cheesy,
cheap-feeling flower-print bedding? Chances are, your bedroom couldn’t be a less sexy space if you dragged in the toilet, sat on the lid, and started clipping your toenails in front of the person you’re supposed to be seducing.

It’s time to transform your bland bedroom into a spicy boudoir. Get rid of anything that doesn’t scream sex. Throw caution and those interior design magazines to the
wind, and roll some cathouse color onto your walls to instantly create an arousing ambience. Add a canopy over the bed, one that can enclose you and your partner within. Trash those flimsy vertical blinds and hang deeply colored velvet drapes that block every trace of light. Lay a luxurious area rug over that oh-so-functional laminate flooring. It’s a raunchier room already, isn’t it?

Because
your new bedroom is pulling double duty as an adult playroom, it should also have an “adult toy box” in which you can hide—under lock and key if necessary—some of your BDSM playthings. Find an old trunk at a garage sale and spray-paint it scarlet red or glossy black. Or find a stiff cardboard box with a lid and wrap it in purple velvet. As you read each way to play, you’ll get ideas of what items
you might want to put in this toy box (see
#29
).

2. Sexual Domination & Submission

Power imbalance—which may or may not be restricted to the bedroom—is a major component of BDSM play, with one partner being the dominant (or top) and the other the submissive (or bottom). A consensual and informed imbalance of power is different from an abuse of power, and many dominants delight in the freedom and authority to control the
erotic activities of their partner.

Similarly, submissives revel in the sexual abandonment that comes with forfeiting control of their body and actions. There is an intense, raw eroticism that accompanies such vulnerability. For many men and women, this type of play is the only time in their lives that they can experience the rush or release of power and indulge in their sexual desires and
fantasies at will; however, players must adhere to the BDSM creed of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) sexual activity.

Male dominants are often referred to as Master, while female dominants may be called Mistress or a dominatrix. Submissives may be called a slave or a pet. Heads-up: your wife or girlfriend will probably be more okay with “dominatrix” than “pet.” Calling your husband or boyfriend
Master, however, might help get you behind the wheel of that new convertible a lot faster. While some couples enjoy such honorific or fantasy titles, many mainstream couples who dip into BDSM prefer to play with the power dynamics without such labels. The degree to which a couple incorporates BDSM concepts and conventions into their relationship is a personal one. They should be tailored to
a couple’s unique preferences and sensibilities.

A couple must also decide on the “limits” of their power play and BDSM scene. What acts are prohibited? Which ones are preferred? What kinds of things are negotiable? BDSM generally defines hard limits as being strictly off-limits activities, while soft limits are activities that someone will do—or have done to them—at their discretion or when
very aroused. A must limit is an activity that is strongly preferred and requested by a partner, whether a dominant or a submissive. A time limit may also be set. This might be ten minutes or an entire weekend.

Communication is also essential for safe, consensual and respectful BDSM sexplay. Because this type of sexual activity involves elements of resistance, couples must also choose a “safe
word.” This should be a distinct word or phrase that the submissive can say to immediately stop play. Some submissives may also use a caution word to indicate that play is approaching a physical or moral boundary, thus instructing the dominant to proceed in a different direction.

Couples can make a game of this essential BDSM prep work by exchanging sexual fantasies about what they want the
BDSM experience to be like, including what they are both hoping will happen. This is a fun approach to answering some important questions and gaining vital insight into each other’s desires, expectations and limits. When snuggled in bed, partners can challenge each other to make up an erotic story about a BDSM scene. They can also write one out on the computer, creating a juicy piece of erotica
that is as informative as it is arousing (see
#46
). It is essential that partners understand what appeals to both of them about domination and submission, as well as what doesn’t.