She clenched her hands into fists, wanting to smash something.
The image of a mysterious woman and her Tom was so vivid she felt nauseated. Viciously, she tore the letter to shreds.
Had Tom meant to tell Sharon about this? Probably not. She admitted he was basically a selfish man, feeling guilty for the thought even now.
Were all the years they'd lived together a lie? Had there been other women? Or was Kathy special? Sharon felt as if she'd been used, unwanted, unloved. Was nothing as it had seemed?
The phone rang, but it took her a moment to interpret the sound. She didn't feel like talking to anyone and merely stared at the offending object. But it didn't stop ringing.
She remembered the boys. Maybe it was her mother, wanting to know if they were on their way, though Sharon had called her earlier.
Or there'd been an accident... She got up and lifted the receiver. "Yes?"
"Sharon?"
She knew the voice was familiar, but couldn't place it at first.
"Sharon, it's Joe. Are you all right?"
Joe. Sharon tried to concentrate on the present. "Yes, Joe, I'm fine."
There was a pause, then, "I'll pick you up at six. Wear something dressy."
What was he talking about? She didn't understand. "What did you say?"
"We're going to dinner tonight, remember?"
Joe was beginning to sound worried. She mustn't let him know what she'd discovered. No one must ever know.
"Joe, I don't think..." Her gaze focused on the shreds of blue paper on the kitchen table. She straightened and took a deep breath.
Why shouldn't she? "I'll be ready at six."
"Good, see you then."
She replaced the receiver and stared at the destroyed letter. Scooping it up, she threw it into the trash, then took the whole bag and carried it to the cans out back. Lighting a match to the paper, she wasn't satisfied until nothing remained but ashes.
Like the ashes of her marriage.
Chapter Eight
Sharon went through the rest of the day in a fog, refusing to think. She'd find herself in the middle of a room, unable to remember why she was there.
She opened the refrigerator to put away a dust rag, then walked out onto the front porch for no apparent reason. Caddy lifted one brow when Sharon moaned, "Oh, Caddy, what am I going to do?"
At the sound of her distress, the dog struggled to his feet and licked her hand.
That's when she began to cry, deep racking sobs that tore her apart. It was as if the past seventeen years had meant nothing. She wished her husband were alive so he could answer the charges.
Why, Tom, why? The whole sordid mess ate at her insides.
Sharon went into the house and sank onto the couch, but wherever she looked, there were reminders of her husband...a photo of his parents on the TV, a Hummel figurine he'd given her for her birthday, even the comfortable furniture they'd selected together. They all affirmed his continuing influence over her
life.
Oh God, it was like losing him all over again. Or had he ever really belonged to her? She thought she'd been a good wife. Or was the flaw in Tom's character and not her own?
Sharon groaned as a headache closed her eyes with pain. No, she didn't believe she was the one who'd failed. What difference did it make, anyway?
She'd just begun to put her life together again, but now she didn't care.
Yes, she did, she thought as she remembered her boys. Maybe she should have gone with them, but the letter would still be waiting with its heartbreaking revelation. It was better to face it alone.
The light in the room gradually dimmed to a soft gray. What time was it? Sharon forced her aching limbs into the kitchen. Her headache was now a dull, throbbing pain. As she reached for the aspirin, she glanced at the clock.
Five-fifteen. Wasn't there something important she was supposed to do? Joe. He'd be here at six. What kind of companion would she be tonight?
Then again, maybe she could forget, if only for a little while. She knew she
needed
to be with Joe, but felt she was using him. Sharon held out her hand and stared at her wedding rings for a long time, then slowly pulled them off. When she went upstairs to put them away, she knew she'd never wear them again.
Sharon took a lilac-scented bath, then dressed in a pale rose dress that clung to her newly-slim figure. After carefully applying her makeup, she used a curling iron to tame the natural wave of her hair, mechanically going through the motions.
She'd have it trimmed next week, she thought, as she studied her reflection. It was time for a change. Tom had liked her hair long, but that didn't matter any more.
Brave words, she chided, as she stared at the stricken face in the mirror.
Caddy's low, rumbling bark alerted Sharon to Joe's arrival. She slipped into shoes that completed her outfit, grabbed her coat and purse and went downstairs. Forcing a smile, she opened the door.
Sharon couldn't help but be impressed, even in her present state of mind. Joe had gone out of his way to look nice and Sharon was determined not to spoil the evening he'd planned.
He wore dark blue slacks with a tan leather sport coat and a navy turtleneck sweater. She had a strong urge to throw herself into his arms and let him ease her pain, as he'd done since they'd met. But it wouldn't be fair to burden him further with her problems.
When she realized they were both staring, she laughed nervously and stood back. "Won't you come in?"
Joe emitted a low whistle as he stepped into the living room. "You look wonderful."
"You don't look so bad yourself, big boy," she said in her best Mae West.
Her mind was operating on two levels again, like the day of the funeral, with the outward and inward levels in direct opposition. If they kept their conversation light, she'd make it through the evening.
"Are you ready?" he asked with a warm glow in his eyes, as if he were looking forward to spending time alone with her.
Sharon nodded and gave a cursory glance around the room. She'd leave Caddy on the porch since he never wandered off the property anymore. "I'm ready."
Joe didn't say where they were going, but when he turned onto the road out of town, she assumed they were on their way to Sandpoint. She was glad they were going somewhere different, away from everyone she knew.
Joe entertained along the way with humorous anecdotes from the classroom. It was obvious he really enjoyed teaching and was rewarded with warm acceptance from his students.
"How's Luke doing?" she asked.
"Much better. I've been pleased with his progress."
Sharon studied Joe thoughtfully. He'd made such a difference. Then, without warning, the words in the letter came back to her. "I've missed you so much." The pain of Tom's infidelity would not rest as Sharon stared at the passing scenery, wondering if she'd ever get over the shock of her discovery.
At that moment, she hated her husband.
Even though Sharon detested the thought, she knew she'd have to get word to this Kathy, somehow. The woman probably didn't even know Tom had been married.
When Joe pulled up to one of the nicest restaurants in Sandpoint, Sharon's mouth went dry. No, not here, please not here. The familiar cedar siding brought back bittersweet memories.
Joe turned to her with a smile. "Here we are. I hope you like this place. They've got prime rib, steak, seafood...and candlelight."
Sharon nodded, a smile frozen on her lips. He flashed a puzzled look in her direction, but didn't say anything.
Since Joe had made reservations, the maitre'd showed them to a table immediately. As he'd mentioned, there were two tall white candles on the table, burning with a soft yellow light.
Sharon was mesmerized by the flame. Questions tormented her. Was it her fault Tom had needed someone else? Wasn't she capable of keeping a man happy?
She glanced at Joe and wondered if he thought she was lovable. His dark eyes searched hers as if trying to figure out her mood.
The waiter handed them each a leather-bound menu and she opened hers. The printing blurred. I will not lose control, she told herself desperately. No more tears.
Joe reached over and covered her hand with his. "What's wrong, honey?"
His gentle concern was nearly her undoing.
The waiter came back to the table and Joe waved him away. "Not yet," he said. "Sharon, look at me."
His voice held such tightly reined authority that she obeyed. Sharon stared into his eyes, wishing she hadn't come. She'd only pulled him into her misery.
"Do you want to leave?" he asked.
"Yes." Her voice was scarcely above a whisper.
Joe pushed his chair back and came around to help with her coat. She had to hold on a little longer.
The temperature had dropped ten degrees since they'd left Hollow Bend. A flash of light and a distant rumble warned of an approaching storm. Joe kept his questions under wraps with great difficulty.
Why had he allowed himself to become involved with the beautiful widow? Then he remembered the first time he'd seen Sharon and what he'd learned about her since.
He'd had no choice in the matter. If she needed him, he'd be there, as long as he could manage.
He glanced at her downcast face and felt the same protective urge he'd had the day of her husband's funeral. He'd thought she was finally ready to live again, to cast off the shadows of grief. What had happened?
When she was safely tucked into the car, he got in and waited while she dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. He had to admire her struggle to keep from crying.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head.
He'd had enough and responded in a very human way. "Dammit, don't I deserve some kind of explanation? I ask a woman out to dinner, and all she can do is cry?" He felt the jolt from above.
Her reply was so soft he wasn't sure he'd heard her at first. "I'm sorry."
Her face was turned away from him. He reached over and put his hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him.
"Why, Sharon? Can't you tell your old buddy?" When she didn't answer, he gripped the steering wheel to keep from shaking her.
He'd never felt so frustrated. How could he break down the wall around her? He thought it had already begun to crumble. Joe stared at passing cars, as another flash of lightning lit up the darkening sky.
"Joe?" Sharon touched his arm.
He turned and looked into her unhappy face.
"Yes?" She had his full attention.
"It just hit me. I didn't want to react like that. Tom took me to that restaurant for our last anniversary and..."
"Why didn't you say so? We could have gone somewhere else. Does it still hurt that much?"
Sharon didn't reply. Maybe he should have asked where she wanted to go, but had decided to surprise her. He'd tried to be a friend and it was tearing him up inside.
Joe started the car and pulled out into the traffic moving toward Hollow Bend. The streaks of light and claps of thunder were coming closer. Dark menacing clouds tumbled across the sky.
Okay, maybe this time he'd learned his lesson. He'd leave her alone. Sharon would have to work out her own problems.
But the thought of her all alone tore his guts. What could he do? Serena had obviously made a mistake by sending him here. What could she have been thinking?
Sharon didn't know what to say. She'd never seen Joe angry before. Not that she blamed him. If only that letter hadn't come today, maybe they could have had a nice time.