Authors: Kate St. James
She glanced at her office door. “Please, not so loud.”
“Why? Afraid someone will hear us?”
She reached out a hand. He didn’t grasp it.
“Zach, I couldn’t tell you about your father’s plans the same way I couldn’t tell Lawrence about
your
plans.”
He scowled. “Yeah, but you’re not sleeping with L.G.,
babe
.”
“I know I’m not sleeping with L.G.” Damn it! “With Lawrence!”
“But you are sleeping with me, Tess. Or you were. I’d like to think there was more than sex between us.”
“Zach, there was.” Her hands trembled. “There is.”
“I don’t think so. Lawyers have ethics—I’m not clueless. But we had something. If you’d told me what you knew, I wouldn’t have breathed a word. I wouldn’t have gone to my father. I realize how important your career is to you. Do you think I would have put it in jeopardy?”
“I don’t know.”
He snorted. “Well, I wouldn’t have. Don’t you have any faith in me? Does
no one in my life
have faith in me?” He spoke the next words stiffly. “I would have kept it between us. I would have waited for my father to make the next move. If waiting meant keeping
your
dreams safe, Tess, I would have done it. But I didn’t get that chance. You didn’t give it to me.”
She glanced away. She couldn’t look at him. He was right.
She could argue that she’d had his best interests at heart, or that none of this would have happened if he’d told his father the truth weeks ago. If he’d allowed her to tell Lawrence.
None of those arguments changed the fact that she could have divulged his father’s plans on Monday and not risked a damn thing.
Because a man like Zach Halliday would do anything for someone he cared for. Would keep any secret—for her.
Even if it was to the detriment of his relationship with his father, he would have done it.
Her mouth dried. She really didn’t deserve him.
She fiddled with a pen on her desk. “There’s more. R-remember how we met in Danver’s? Chloe dared me to hit on you. I only approached you that night because Chloe and I made a bet.” Shamed heated her.
“Shit.” He rubbed his mouth. “Later on, I realized how out of character you’d acted. I suspected something—” He shook his head.
“A bet?”
“A dare, a bet. The wording doesn’t matter. I began sleeping with you to prove a point. Th-that I could have sex like a man, without emotional commitment. Chloe dared me to choose an empty-headed stud and go to bed with him.”
His gaze glinted. “Empty-headed?”
Damn it, he didn’t need to hear the gory details. “At the time, that was the gist of it. But not now, Zach. I’m sorry.”
He ground out, “So why didn’t we only screw once? If you wanted to prove you could have sex like a man, why not go for the wham-bam,
babe
? We empty-headed studs are famous for our love of one-night stands.”
“Because the bet was for a six-week relationship. And I nearly made it. Chloe and I started counting the day you and I went golfing. Four weeks ago.”
His eyes were wild. “I don’t believe this! You counted?”
She nodded numbly.
He stared at her as if she’d sprouted antennae. “Why are you telling me this now?”
Because I just realized I love you.
But she couldn’t confess her feelings while he reeled from the blowup with his father and her deal with Chloe. It felt like emotional manipulation, as if sweetly spoken words could atone for her wrongs.
“Because you deserve the truth,” she mumbled.
He tossed her a look of pure male aggravation. Testosterone unleashed. She shivered.
“Great. Now I deserve the truth. I don’t know what your game is, Teresa, but I’m through playing. After the shit with my father today, I’ve had it.”
Tears burned her eyes. “I don’t blame you.”
“I’ve been played before, and I’ve done my share of playing. But, damn it, I thought we had something real.”
“We do, Zach. We can.”
“How? Where’s the trust? The honesty? The love? I don’t see it happening.” He stormed from her office.
Chapter Twenty
“You’ve barely touched your salad, honey. Is something wrong?”
Tess raised her gaze from her plate of fork-mutilated lettuce. Across the small table, her father polished off his escargot appetizer. They’d had reservations for Tanaka’s, but after the scene with Zach in her office yesterday she couldn’t handle the reminders of their private dinner in the tatami room. The Keg on Granville Island sat as far as possible from Tanaka’s while also providing a quick route back to the office. A crowd packed the popular steakhouse. Tess refused to dissolve into a quivering mass of tears in the public venue.
She put down her fork. “I’m sorry, Dad. I’m not hungry.”
“Problems at work?” he asked below the conversations swarming around them.
“No.” Unless she counted that she was really starting to dislike her job. Files, files and more impersonal files. No human interaction. Who needed it?
Her father looked at her. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, you know.” She sipped her iced tea. “It’s a heavy load.”
“Heavier than you expected?”
“Junior associates bear the brunt of the paperwork. That’s just how it is. I didn’t really mind before, but lately it feels dissatisfying.” Her unhappiness wasn’t only a result of her and Zach’s breakup. Rather, being
with
Zach these last several weeks had contributed to her restlessness, as if he’d opened a door she’d inadvertently closed on herself in her zest to outshine Phil Renfrew.
“I know how dissatisfaction can weigh on a person,” her father said. “When you girls were small, the accounting practice grew by leaps and bounds. I was slow to accept that I needed a partner. The family time I sacrificed contributed to the problems between your mom and me.”
“That kind of brings me to why we’re here,” Tess muttered as the waiter whisked away their appetizer plates.
“I thought it might.”
“Mom wants me to talk you out of the separation.”
He nodded. “Randi told me. Tessie, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you or your sisters. Or your mother, believe it or not. I have to take a hard line with her, though. I’m tired of her accusations.”
Tess fidgeted with her napkin. Although she and her sisters often agreed that their parents might fare better apart, the reality of the situation stung. If Dad filed separation papers, they wouldn’t be a whole family anymore.
Have we ever been?
Not a family like Zach’s when his mom was alive, united by parents who loved and supported one another.
The waiter returned with their entrées. As the young man set down their plates, Tess blinked back tears. The waiter joined a group of coworkers around a neighboring table. The group broke into a Happy Birthday chorus for the woman presented with a sparkler-topped slice of cheesecake. The smiling woman hugged the man beside her. Her husband?
A hollow sensation chewed inside Tess. She gazed at her father. “What finally made you ask for a separation? Mom thinks—”
just say it
“—that you’re having an affair.”
He swore. “
That’s
why. Tessie, I’m sick of her paranoia. I deserve it. But to have it continue for years?” He shook his head. “I am not having an affair. I have never had an affair. Your mother’s guilt has sparked her mistrust. I’d hoped, with time, she would overcome the negative feelings and we could move forward. But she hasn’t.
We
haven’t. That’s why our marriage is in deep trouble.”
“What guilt?”
“Your mother needs you right now,” he evaded, cutting into his prime rib.
“You need me, too.”
He sighed. “Learning the truth about one’s parents isn’t easy.”
“What truth? Come on, Dad. We’ve never been a typical family, despite Mom’s attempts to pretend that we are.” The perfect house, the façade of parochial school, enough church attendance to satisfy the stalwart members of their former parish. “I know you and Mom got married because she was pregnant with me. I know about Darla. I’ve heard Mom’s side of the story countless times, yet you and I have only discussed your side once. Why not talk about it now?”
Her father’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t care what your mother says, I did not cheat on her with Darla.” Tugging in a breath, he clasped Tess’s hand across the table. “I didn’t propose to Patrice only because she was pregnant. I cared for her and I wanted to do right by her, but I also wanted a home and family. My hope was that we could build one together. But your mother grew up in a difficult environment. Everything is a competition for her. Even love.”
“And you couldn’t give her what she wanted.”
His gaze appealed for her understanding. “I wasn’t dishonest. She knew before our marriage that I didn’t feel as strongly as she wanted. I tried making up for it by providing her with a nice home and lifestyle. She deserved more. She deserved a man who loved her with all his heart and soul. She still does.”
Withdrawing his hand, he sipped his wine. “I’ll never regret marrying your mother, Tessie. I wanted to remain part of your life, and I wanted more children. I think I could have learned to love Patrice as deeply as she needed, if she’d only been honest.”
Tess chewed a mouthful of chicken. Despite the tangy teriyaki marinade, the poultry tasted dry. She forced it down.
“But you weren’t honest with Mom. You fell in love with Darla. Even if you didn’t physically cheat on Mom,
you fell in love
.”
Her father’s sad smile aged him beyond his fifty years. “I did care deeply for Darla. However, as soon as I realized what was happening, I told Patrice. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said for us to try again. I believed her.”
Tess shook her head. “You told her about Darla? I always thought she found out.”
“I told her as soon as I realized the relationship was about to grow physical.” He glanced away. “There’s a reason I went to your mother instead of sneaking around with Darla.” He mumbled, “I know how it feels…to learn your spouse is cheating.”
Tess’s ears screamed. “What?”
“I know how it feels to discover your spouse is cheating. It’s hurtful and humiliating. I didn’t want to put your mother through that.” He met Tess’s gaze.
“Mom cheated on
you
?”
“Before Jenna was born. I found out by accident, and she ended the relationship. Jenna was our attempt to repair the damage. As much as I love your little sister, I wouldn’t recommend having a baby to try and save a marriage, by the way.”
Tess planted her palms on the table. “Dad, all these years Mom’s accused you of cheating. Now I find out she betrayed you?”
“I think her guilt over her affair made her afraid I would retaliate. Thus the accusations. After I told her about Darla, she probably felt like she had more reason to suspect me. As for
her
affair, if I’d loved her how she deserved to be loved, she might not have felt the need to look for love elsewhere. I hold myself partly to blame.”
“That’s just an excuse for her, Dad.”
“No. It’s a reason. You were right when you said I betrayed your mother by developing feelings for Darla. I think learning I cared for another woman in a way your mom insisted I wasn’t capable of caring for her hurt her more than if I’d slept with Darla.”
Tess blew out a breath. “I have a friend who would agree with you.”
“She’s a smart girl.”
“He’s a man.” After her horrible treatment of Zach yesterday, she probably stood zero chance of ever convincing him to become her friend, either.
“A platonic friend or—?”
“Or.
Was.
We broke up yesterday.”
“Aw, Tessie. How long were you dating?”
“About a month.”
“And you care for him?”
She nodded.
“Bastard.”
“It wasn’t his fault.” She poked her fork at her garlic mashed potatoes. “Things got complicated.”
“They always do.” Her dad’s mouth firmed. “Your mom and I did this to you, Tessie. I’m sorry.”
“Dad, I did this to myself.”
“Kids learn by example. Patrice and I were poor ones. Our relationship has suffered incredible tension. You probably believe it’s abnormal to be happy. It’s not.”
Tess closed her eyes, tears gathering. The murmur of voices and the low background music of the restaurant filled her ears. She wanted to sink into the din, shrink away until she was nothing, where the dull, aching emptiness couldn’t find her. Her parents were separating, her mother had more secrets than James Bond, she didn’t know what she wanted to do about her career and she’d destroyed the best thing in her life—her relationship with Zach.
She opened her eyes. “I’ll find someone else.” She didn’t want anyone else.
“Don’t settle, Tessie. If you want this man, tell him.”
“I can’t. I’ve already hurt him. Why should he trust me?”
“Maybe he feels as strongly as you do. You won’t know unless you tell him.” Her father picked up his wineglass. “I’m not settling anymore. You shouldn’t, either. For years, I allowed your mother to dictate our marriage, telling me I didn’t care enough for her when I know my emotions were true. I was a coward, not a man. No longer. If your mother wants me back, it’s on my terms this time. We buried our problems, and it hasn’t worked. I’ve asked her to attend marriage counseling more than once. She’s refused.” He put down his glass without drinking. “Your mother says she doesn’t want the separation? Then she has to work for our marriage, Tessie. We both do.”
Her heart thumped. “You’re saying you and Mom might still work out?”
“I’m willing to give it a good fight. That means counseling. That means ending the blame so we can discover if we have a chance at a real marriage. That’s what’s important to me, Tessie. If your mother and I can’t find a satisfying middle ground, then I will move on. Think about that in relation to your own life, honey. Consider what’s most important to you and what you’re willing to give up.”
Zach yanked his protective eyewear out of his sports bag. “What are you doing here, Eth?”
“I called Jeff for a solo practice slot. He said you’d already reserved one, so I changed it to a game slot.” Ethan twirled his racquet. “What do you say, little brother? Prepared to die?”