A Heart's War (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 5) (7 page)

My appetite had left, the urge to run had hit, and loneliness had set in.  I wondered how long it would be before someone came out to find me by the man-made pond.  The view of the setting sun fading behind the treeline of the woods that backed my brother’s property helped me center myself and regain some semblance of control over my thoughts.

Leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, I sensed Paxton’s presence.  Without turning, a humorless laugh escaped me.  “Seems like yesterday you and me were fighting over Suzie Quincy.”

“You should see her now.” Paxton dropped to the bench beside me, leaning back.

I peered at him from the corner of my eye.  “Still hot?”

“Not.” I chuckled at the face he made.  Silence stemmed between us, only interrupted by the sounds of nature.  “What happened back there?”

I let out a loud breath and felt myself deflate.  Bowing my head, I shook it from side to side.  “Old memories.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“It’s not that easy, P.”

He pointed out the obvious.  “You kind of freaked everyone out back there.  I think we… No,
I
deserve to know what’s going on with you, T.  One minute you’re holding Abbie like she’s precious cargo, and the next, the look on your face-”

My temper flared.  “What?”

“If looks couldn’t kill, your grip on her surely would have done it eventually.”

“What are you saying?  You don’t want me around your kids?  I can’t say that I blame you.”

Paxton cut me off.  “That’s not what I’m saying at all and you know it!  Stop jumping down my throat. I’m not Dad.  In case you haven’t noticed, Jasper worships the ground you walk on and Abigail…”  He groaned his frustration. “You’ve been out of our lives long enough.  It’s time for you to get out of that rut of yours.”

“And how do you suppose I do that, huh?”  Rage overwhelmed me and I shot to my feet, keeping my back to him.  “You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’re right, I don’t.  So why don’t you explain it to me?”

I turned sharply to face him and my rage dissipated to a manageable level. 
Maybe I should.

Something told me that if anyone would understand where I was coming from, outside of the military, it would be my brother.  Paxton wouldn’t judge me; if anything, he’d defend me like he always has.

My voice came out sounding hoarse.  “The things I saw, the things I did over there, P…” I swallowed the ever-growing lump in my throat. “No one should go through that.”

“I think we can both agree that everyone here at home knows that you’ve seen and done things that are far from honorable to make ends meet, things that chip away at the humanity inside of you.”

I nodded and met his gaze, mine hardening.  “You’re right.”  Gritting the next words through my teeth, I asked, “Tell me, little brother, have you ever taught Jasper how to use a gun?”

“What’s this got to-?” He clued in almost immediately as to what caused my earlier behavior and his mouth snapped shut.

“What would you do, how would you deal, if your son turned around on you with an automatic rifle and shot your family to death in front of your eyes, all because it was a rite of passage, a proof of his loyalty?

“How would you feel if you had to turn the gun on some kid no bigger than Jasper in self-defence, to protect your men?  What about if your brother, your father, your mother even, approached you as if welcoming you home only to blow you and everyone within a hundred meters to smithereens?”

The more I went on, the easier it got to purge the atrocities I had come to witness.  “How about watching your friends, your brothers and sisters-in-arms die in front of your very eyes?  Or not knowing if you’re going to make it to the next day, and breathing each breath as if it might be your last?  We’re all trained and we know the risks we’re taking, but it doesn’t really sink in until you’re over there, bro.

“You know what’s worse?  It’s knowing that you’ve failed those that you’ve sworn to protect and bring back to their families safely. 
Sorry
doesn’t cut it when you fuck up over there, Paxton.”  I swallowed hard, trying to keep my emotions from taking over.  “Failing means casualties.  It messes with your head.  My superiors only care about one thing, and it sure isn’t those that serve beneath them.  We’re all dispensable to them, unless we have something they want.  I found out a little too late, though, that the final outcome of the mission was the only thing they were after. It’s all about them winning their latest pissing match.

“I lived all of that, little brother.” I took a deep breath.  “I lost too many friends, friends I swore to protect.  They had my six and they thought I had theirs.  Only, I failed them.  I’m no good.  I’m not the man that you, Mom, Dad, or anyone else thinks I am.  I’m not deserving to stand here. I should have died over there along with the parts of me that did dozens of times-”

“You’re right where you need to be, Theodore Lowell.”

I spun around.  “Dad?”

“Get that shit out of your head, son.  You did what you were supposed to do over there.  What you were trained to do.  What you were ordered.  You keep ignoring the fact that you weren’t the one to get them in that explosion.  You didn’t set those charges.  Sure, they died, and you lived.  It’s a tough pill to swallow, and I imagine even tougher because you were their leader at the time, and their friend.”

“Dad…” Paxton shook his head.

Our father held his hand up.  “No, Paxton, let me finish. Theodore, I never got to tell you this ten years ago, and because of our issues, we never spoke until you came back to us.  I might have disagreed with a lot of things you’ve done over the years, but I’ve never been prouder of you or the man you’ve become since you enlisted.”

“What…a killer?” I noted the obvious.  “I’m sure as fuck not a hero like all you folks here paint me to be.”

“I never said you were,” he said.  “But whether you see yourself as one or not, others do.  You’ve done more than most of us can ever do.  You say you’ve failed, but all I see is a man who’s been broken by the unfortunate events that war brings.  You’re no more half of a man than I am.  If anything, you’re more deserving of a happy life than most of us because you know the value of it.  You know freedom, and the fight it takes to keep it.

“Your grandfather went to war and he never came back.  It hurt like hell to lose him when I was a teenager, but it hurt worse to lose you, son.  The worst part about all of this is that you’re here, but you’re not.  You may be here physically, but you’re still lost.”

The man had a point.

“Dad’s right, T,” Paxton said.  “They died, but you didn’t.  You owe them your life, but think on it.  If you had died, do you think they would have stopped living?  Do you think Rick wouldn’t have gone back to his life and lived it, that the others would have turned their backs on their families?”

I had heard those words from the shrinks I had met with over the years, my superiors, the team members in my ops.  None of it registered until now.  None of it meant anything because those who’d uttered the words before hadn’t meant a thing to me.

“You need to get back in there, son, your mother’s worried about you,” Dad said.

“I’ll be there in a few.”  The man nodded and turned to leave.  As he walked away from Paxton and me, my mouth opened and without thinking, I blurted out, “Dad?”  He paused mid-step and turned to face me.  “Thanks.”  All he did was nod, his lips in a flat line, grief present in his eyes, before he continued his trek for the house.

I sighed, my shoulders slumping as I looked at my feet.

Paxton broke the lingering silence. “You know… I don’t think I’ve ever heard him go on like that before.”

I snorted.  “No shit.  And when he ever had anything to say, he was usually giving us shit for something we did or didn’t do.”

“Right.” For a long moment, neither of us said anything.  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, T.”

My head snapped up and looked at my brother.  “For what?”

“For the shit that you were put through while we grew up.  It’s what made you leave in the first place.  And I’m sorry for what happened to your team…and to you.”

I nodded.  “What I said,” we began to walk back, “it wasn’t the half of it.”

“You’ll tell me when you’re ready.” He slapped me on the back.  “Right now, we have some food to eat, kids to entertain, and your mood to brighten up.”

I was all for it, but I wondered how the hell we’d manage that last item.  “It’s all so easy for you, isn’t it?”

“It’s never been easy.”  He gave me a pointed look.  “And I know it’ll be even harder to get you living again like you once did.”

“I’ve changed, P.  After what I’ve been through, there’s no way I could go back to the way I was.”

“And maybe Morgan can help you with that.”

“About Morgan.” My feet stopped moving.

My brother followed suit and halted in front of me.  “What’s that guilty look about?  Something happened, didn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah, about that… Nothing can happen between us.”

“Why not?  By the way she blushed earlier, and the way you looked as if you were starved, I’d say that plenty of good could happen there.”

“But it can’t,” I stated.

“Again, I’m asking you
why
.”

I was going to have to come out and say it and that admission sent anger flaring through me.  If it weren’t for that one horrible fact, I might have entertained exploring my attraction toward her, employee-employer status be damned.  “Because I let her brother get killed over there, all right!” I shouted.

The look on my brother’s face could have told a story in itself.  It certainly hadn’t been a piece of information that he expected.  “You knew Steve?”

I nodded.  “Except he went by Damon.”

“Wow, now that’s all kinds of fucked up.”

“You’re telling me.”

“How’d you find out?”

“The day Morgan called about her leak.  We were in her room and I saw a picture…” As we started for the house again, I explained all about Damon, aka, Steve. Paxton took in every parcel of information I dished out, lapping it up like a starved kitten.

“I can’t be with her when I know I’ve just as well killed her brother.”  Paxton tried to cut me off.  “Don’t tell me it’s not my fault.  I’m not stupid, Pax.  It doesn’t change the fact that I led that convoy that day. It was me who analyzed the intel, me who had the lead, who made the decision that sent us all to our deaths.  Hell, Morgan doesn’t even know the whole story, she only knows that her brother and I served together and that I was there the day she lost him.  But when I do tell her the details, because I owe her that much, I’ll be lucky to still be alive when I get done.”

“You don’t honestly think she’d blame you for that, do you?” he asked as we climbed the stairs to the patio.

I shrugged.  “I don’t know what to think anymore.  But there’s one thing I do know, and that’s the last thing she needs is for me to hurt her more when she discovers I played a part in changing her life for the worse three years ago.”

“I don’t think she’ll see it that way,” he said.  “But all I can say is, do what you think is right.”

The problem was that doing what was right and what felt right were two entirely different things.

As we walked through the French doors, Allie handed Abigail to me despite my protest.  “Take her or I’ll drop her.”  That was threat enough for me.

“I’m sorry, princess,” I whispered, kissing the little hand that reached out for me.  I let her curl her digits around my large finger and she graced me with a toothless grin.  “Your uncle’s got some things he needs to figure out.”

Well, that was the understatement of the decade.

Nerves got the better of me this morning as I paused at the top of Morgan’s front steps.

If I were to say that all of what my father and brother had voiced to me yesterday hadn’t struck a chord, I’d be lying.  Now, more than ever, I was confused about what I should do.

True, I owed Morgan an explanation as to what had happened to her brother, mostly in the effort to make her understand why things couldn’t go any further between us.  But then there was the selfish part of me that wanted to seize what I wanted for the first time since that horrible day, to see where things went between us.  Hell, with two simple kisses I knew all too well how hot things could be between Morgan and I.  But heat and passion were only a blip on the radar for what I wanted out of life…out of
her
.  And wasn’t that the kicker!  The one girl to catch my eye, to tug at my heartstrings, was the one I shouldn’t have anything to do with.  But then again, going with my mother’s words from years ago,
the heart wants what it wants.

Watching families torn apart by the loss of their loved ones had me wanting a life I never thought I’d want.  Until
that
day, I had been happy to hang with the boys and take solace in the form of a willing woman who could make me forget the horrors I had seen for a few short hours.  Truth was that those horrors never compared to those that chased me in my everyday life afterward.  Morgan seemed to make all of that better somehow.

The front door creaked open.  “Theo?”  Turning, Morgan stared at me with question in her eyes.  “Is everything all right?”

“Yeah.” I forced a smile.  “Just a lot on my mind, it’s all.”

She nodded and moved back to allow me entrance.  “You want to talk about it?”

“I don’t think we have a choice.” I stopped at two armchairs that hadn’t been taken over by the mess of boxes from her kitchen and dining room and motioned for her to sit.

Letting herself drop in to one of the chairs, she sighed.  “Look, what happened the other day-”

“And yesterday,” I added, staying on my feet.

Her eyes narrowed, but she nodded.  “And yesterday
.
”  Her tone was sharp.  “I’m sorry.”

She was sorry?

“Don’t be,” I found myself saying. “I started it, and I shouldn’t have.  I work for you.  Hell, I don’t know what you do, but you work with my sister-in-law in whatever capacity that you do. I’m your neighbour.” I sighed.  All those reasons sounded like complete bullshit to my own ears, so I gave her the truth.  “Hell, I got your brother killed, Morgan.” 
Nice way of easing into things, dumbass!

“What!”

“You heard me.” I kept my eyes to the floor like a shamed child.  “Your brother was driving that night, Morgan.  I was his leader.  I should have known.  I was supposed to have their sixes. All of them.”

“Oh my God.”  She held her hand to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears.  I couldn’t take my gaze off of her, feeling the need to watch what the truth did to her, to wear my shame as properly as I should have, and the only way I could do that was to take in every nuance of hurt I bestowed upon her.

So I’m a masochist, sue me.

And in true masochistic fashion, I did the asshole thing.  I told Morgan the entire story.

“Damon and Tiny were in the front. Rick and I were in the back.  We survived the blast but then he and-”

“You…” her voice was riddled with unshed emotion.  “You said you were there, but…”

I nodded.  “It’s my fault.  It was a roadside bomb. Damon and Tiny died instantly, I’m sure of it.  My leg was broken in the chaos before Donnelly and I were captured,” I explained as I paced the floor in front of her.  “After they took me, I was beaten and tortured for information.  I could hear Rick’s screams from a room down the hall from me.  There was nothing I could do.  When they came and rescued me, I’d been praying for death, but what kept me alive was knowing that Rick was alive too.  I only found out afterward that he hadn’t made it.  That the screams I’d heard… They weren’t his.  Fuck, Morgan, they weren’t
his
!”

I crouched down so I could look her in the eyes, the look of terror there was my doing.  There was no way I could be around her without seeing that look at every turn.  It would only prove what I’d known all this time: I was a failure, a murderer…and no good for anyone. “Now you know why nothing can happen between us.”  I got up to leave.  “I also don’t think it would be wise to keep working for you.  I have guys that can do the job just as well as I can.  I’m sure they wouldn’t mind teaching you about the trade, either.  I just…can’t.”

“So you keep saying.”  She got up to approach me.  I backed up.  Suddenly, the little sprite didn’t look so little anymore.  I sort of understood how that hulk of an insurance contractor might have felt a few weeks back.  She dominated the space surrounding us.  “So was agreeing to work for me, to teach me, some kind of a pity deal?”

I groaned, but not at her line of question, more because of her proximity. The woman had my back against the wall, literally.

“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re paying me.”

“Still!  No contractor would have agreed to teach a little lady a thing or two about construction.”

“I’m not just any contractor.”

Her hand came up a fraction too quick and my reflexes kicked in, programmed to avoid any kind of striking.  I grabbed her wrist and held it, my thumb finding the soft pad of skin over her pulse point.  Her other hand came up slower and her fingers played over the stubble on my jaw.  “No, you’re not.” Her front pressed to mine.

I swallowed hard.  “Morgan.”

“We have a contract.” She backed away, her demeanour changing from seductress to cool and business-like.  “You will honor that contract.”

“Fine,” I spat, not sure if what I felt was relief that she wanted me to stay or not.  “If that’s all, I’d like to get my day started.”

“Fine by me.” Her hands clenched and released repeatedly at her sides. Before anything else could be said on either part, I moved away from her, grabbed my tool belt, which I’d left by the front entrance, and went to work.