A French Affair (63 page)

Jessica nodded.

‘So he doesn't love her, because of you?'

‘Only he can answer that.'

‘Oh God,' Nikki seethed, covering her face again. ‘I hate this. I hate it. Please make it go away.'

‘Nikki, listen to me.'

‘No, no, I can't,' she cried, blocking her ears. ‘I don't want to hear any more . . .'

‘Darling, I'm speaking to you as an adult, so please try to behave like one.'

‘Well I don't feel very adult when my mother tells me she's going off with another man, like the rest of us don't matter . . .'

‘That's not what I said, so stop putting words in my mouth and please listen.'

Nikki's expression turned sullen.

Sighing a little, Jessica said, ‘One of the hardest things we ever have to deal with in our lives is change, especially when it means having to let go of things that have made us feel safe. You've had a lot to cope with since Natalie died, trying to get used to her not being around, then finding out what happened at the cottage, what Dad's been through since . . . It's been too much already, I understand that, and with all my heart I wish I wasn't having to make you go through any more . . .'

‘Then don't,' Nikki wailed. ‘No-one's forcing you to. I mean, I know what Dad did was terrible, but you've forgiven him now . . .'

‘I'm still trying,' Jessica corrected gently, ‘but even if
I manage to, my feelings just aren't the same for him any more. I know how hard that is for you to hear, and I promise, it's hard for me to say. Obviously I care about him . . . I still love him in a way, but it's not the kind of love that's going to keep us together.'

‘It might if it weren't for Luc.'

Jessica shook her head. ‘Even before I found out Lilian had left Luc, I'd already decided that Dad and I need to separate. He's not going to New York now, so you don't have to worry about that, and nothing's going to change right away. I need to see Luc first to find out if the way we felt about one another last summer is still how we feel now.'

‘So it might not be?' Nikki said hopefully.

Jessica's smile was sad. ‘No, it might not,' she said, but only because it was what Nikki wanted to hear. ‘I'm going over there on Friday . . .'

‘For how long?' Nikki jumped in.

‘Until the following Thursday, unless I decide to come back earlier. I definitely won't stay any longer though.'

Nikki turned her face away as more tears welled in her eyes.

‘Oh darling,' Jessica said, gathering her in her arms. ‘No-one will ever matter more to me than you and Harry, but I don't think, in your heart, you want to make me stay somewhere I don't want to be. Especially when you're starting out on your own life now.'

‘Yeah, well, maybe I've inherited Grandma's selfish gene, because I do want you to stay here. I don't want you to go to France, even for a few days.'

‘So you want me to cancel?'

‘Yes!'

Jessica looked at her.

Nikki's expression became more mutinous. ‘Yes!' she repeated. Then, banging her fists into the bed, ‘What about Dad? He's just been through a terrible depression, a virtual nervous breakdown, this could set him off again . . .'

‘I don't think it will, but if it does, we'll deal with it then. I'm not going to abandon you, any of you.'

Though Nikki was trying with all her might to stay angry, Jessica could see it starting to drain out of her, until finally, looking bewildered and dejected, she said, ‘Oh God, Mum, this is all such a mess. How am I going to leave Dad here on his own, if you go? I can't move in with Freddy then, can I?'

Thinking of the selfish gene, Jessica only smiled as she said, ‘Of course you can. I've told you enough times, you have to stop assuming responsibility for me and Dad and live your own life. He'll agree with me on that, I can promise you . . .'

‘He might
say
it . . .'

‘Listen,' Jessica interrupted more firmly. ‘You're getting far too ahead of yourself. No decisions have been made yet, about anything, nor will they be until I go to France. Then when I come back we'll talk again. OK?'

After a while Nikki nodded, then sighed heavily as Jessica got up to leave. ‘Mum?' she said.

Jessica turned back.

‘I know I should probably wish you good luck, but I'm sorry, I can't.'

Jessica smiled. ‘That's all right.'

‘I mean, what I really, really hope is that you find out you don't want to be with him, or he doesn't want to be with you.'

‘I know,' Jessica whispered, and opening the door she left the room.

DANIELLA WAS WAITING
beside the car when Jessica walked out of the arrivals hall on Friday afternoon. Seeing her beautiful, welcoming smile brought such a rush of emotion to Jessica's heart that she clasped her straight into her arms, while the feel of French rolling off her tongue as she greeted her was even more delicious than she remembered.

‘You look wonderful,' she told Daniella, wondering why she'd never noticed before how like her brother she was. ‘As gorgeously exotic as ever.'

Daniella laughed and rolled her eyes. ‘It is a miracle with three such dreadful children that I have not yet turned into a hag,' she declared. ‘But Claude, he would divorce me if I did, so I must keep myself together. And you, Jessica, you look beautiful,
chérie
. Your hair is longer, and your eyes are very lovely and . . .
mystérieux
. I think you are happy, no? It shows in your face.'

Knowing how sunken and shadowed her eyes had become over the last few months, Jessica had to laugh at the ‘mysterious'. ‘I am very happy to see you,' she told her.

Daniella winked, then loading Jessica's bag onto the back seat she waited until Jessica was buckled up before starting out of the airport. ‘This is so very exciting and romantic,' she declared, as they sped away from the
payage
onto the autoroute. ‘I have told Claude that I am finding him very boring now, so he must do something like this for me. Do you know what is his answer? He tell me that
you
are doing this for Luc, so it is time I do something for him, and if I need any ideas, he will very much enjoy to have a slave in the bedroom, and he is prepared to give me the job, but only if I pass the exam.'

Jessica's eyes were dancing. ‘Dare I ask what the exam is?'

‘I don't know yet, but I am sure I will find out soon. He is in Paris until tomorrow but when he comes back maybe you and Luc will find some time to come over to the château. It is all right, you do not have to give me an answer now. I know you will have a lot of . . . er, catching up to do.'

Jessica's eyes closed as a wave of anticipation and happiness washed over her. Then belatedly realising what Daniella had said she cast her a look, wondering how much she knew – and seeing the mischievous gleam in Daniella's eyes she started to laugh.

‘It was not hard to work out,' Daniella declared. ‘When you tell me you do not want him to kiss you for the first time at the airport –
oh là là
, if you have not kissed before, then how can you have done anything else? But it is none of my business . . . Ah, I think this must be Claude,' she said as her mobile started to ring. ‘He will want to know if you have arrived.
Oui, c'est lui,
' she confirmed, glancing at the number that came up. Then clicking on she said, ‘
Chéri. Elle est arrivée.
'

As Daniella continued to talk, Jessica turned to gaze out at the passing countryside, and wondered how she could feel such a sense of belonging to a country that wasn't her own. Of course she knew it was because it was Luc's, but even in the murky light of a tepid January sun she could feel its magic embracing her. It was as though something palpable was emanating from the scattered patches of snow on the hills, and from the trees, stripped of their glossy summer foliage now to twist and jut like gnarled, skeletal fingers against the relentless grey backdrop of the sky.

‘
Oh là là
, this is very interesting,' Daniella said, when she rang off. ‘Claude has lunch with Lilian today and she happen to ask if you have seen Luc yet. So I think we were right in what we said on the phone,
chérie
, she was never going to ring back, she was expecting Charlie to tell you that she and Luc were no longer together.'

‘And eventually he did,' Jessica said, wondering when Charlie might have got round to it, had it not come up when it did.

‘I am afraid it is very typical of a man not to understand the subtleties,' Daniella commented. ‘Still, what is important is that he did tell you, and you are here.'

Jessica smiled, and because she genuinely wanted to know, she said, ‘So how is Lilian?'

Daniella grimaced and shrugged. ‘Personally, I am not sure,' she replied. ‘I have seen her only once since she leave Valennes, but Claude sees her sometimes in Paris, and so does Luc when he is there. I think they are trying to become friends, which is very like my brother, because he hates to have bad feeling, or to think he is the cause of someone's pain. He has given her the apartment, did you know that?'

Jessica shook her head, and thought of how hard all this must have been for Lilian, and how normally she would have been there to see her through it. She wondered if a day might come when they could be friends again. She hoped so, but it was still too soon to try, for she hadn't yet found it in her heart to forgive the way Lilian had left Natalie, and nor, she imagined, would Lilian be anywhere close to getting over her break-up with Luc.

‘
Tiens,
' Daniella said, when finally they pulled up outside the château. ‘I will leave you to drive on now, and maybe you should go quickly, because if the children see you, you will not be able to get away.'

‘Are you sure you don't need your car?' Jessica said.

‘I have Claude's. He take the train to Paris.'

Jessica glanced at the black Mercedes, then seeing a silver one next to it she said, ‘Isn't that Luc's?'

‘Papa drove it over,' Daniella answered. Turning in her seat to look at Jessica, she pulled an apologetic face as she said, ‘Now it is time for me to confess,
chérie
. I hope you will not be angry with me, but Luc knows you are coming.'

Jessica's heart stopped as her eyes widened.

‘I had to tell him,' Daniella went on quickly. ‘He would never forgive me otherwise, because he would want to make the house ready for you, and it was difficult for Papa to say he was coming here for the weekend without him . . . Of course he wanted to meet you at the airport, but when I told him why you didn't want him to . . . Well, I think he understand.'

Jessica smiled at the expression in Daniella's eyes, too bound by nervous tension to respond in any other way.

‘
Alors, bon courage,
' Daniella said, pulling her into
an embrace. ‘I will not expect to see you again very soon.'

As Jessica drove away, back down the leaf-covered drive and out into the narrow country road that led towards Valennes, she was so full of apprehension that the stiffness in her limbs made her movements clumsy and wrong. Twice she crunched the gears, and once she almost carried straight on when she needed to turn. Though she could hardly wait to get there, she found she was driving slowly, almost as though she was becoming afraid of what she was doing. And in a way she was, for it seemed that she was only now beginning to realise that being here, going to him, could very easily be the first step towards changing her life completely. The enormity of it swelled in her heart. Though she felt certain it was what she wanted, she hadn't truly understood until now just how much courage it was going to take to get through the weeks and months to come, leaving London, giving up everything she knew, taking Harry from Charlie . . . If indeed that was the way it all went . . .

By the time she arrived on the top road to Valennes dusk was settling over the valley like a grimy veil, but there was still enough light for her to see how bleak and forlorn everything looked with its brutally clipped vines and winter-torn fields. It seemed so changed from the valley she knew that it could almost be another place, belonging to another lifetime where strangers had lived and loved. Yet, as she turned down the hill, she felt the familiarity of it starting to stir inside her, as though an old friend in shabby clothes was welcoming her back. When she reached the grape-picker's cottage she found she wasn't really seeing it as it was, all closed up and in darkness, instead she was
recalling the tranquil air inside and the bittersweet memories it had given her.

After pausing outside for a while, she drove on up towards the
manoir
, where she could see a light in the kitchen, and two more in the pergola. No flowers or foliage at this time of year, only the naked brown sticks of midwinter that were still three months or more from their slow, exquisite burst back to life, and a fine mizzle descending over the
combe
and coating the windscreen to make everything distorted and blurred.

Then she saw him, standing outside the
cave
waiting for her, and there was such a surge of joy in her heart that she could only wonder how she'd experienced even a moment's doubt, when merely to look at him was enough to tell her that all she wanted was to be with him.

As he pulled open the car door she saw the sardonic look in his eyes and tried to smile, but then she was biting her lip, for too much happiness and relief was starting to swamp her.

‘I'm getting wet,' he told her, unromantically, and pressing the buckle to release her seat belt he took her hand to help her out.

Even the feel of his fingers closing around hers, the hard flatness of his palm, the easy strength of his grip, was causing a gentle turmoil inside her, and as he walked her across the pergola into the house she almost felt afraid of her own reactions.