A French Affair (62 page)

‘No, not really,' Jessica responded, needing to deny it. ‘Luc and I became close while I was there, I admit, but we didn't have an affair, at least not as such.'

Veronica's eyebrows rose. ‘If you ask me, it's the “as such” that's causing the problem,' she commented sagely. ‘If you'd slept together, got it out of your systems, you probably wouldn't still be pining for him now and wondering what it might have been like.'

‘I'm not pining,' Jessica protested. ‘And actually, it was more than just physical, so if we had slept together I think I'd be finding it even harder now.'

Veronica didn't point out the contradiction, she
merely said, ‘Have you had any contact with him since you left?'

‘No, of course not. It wouldn't do any good. Lilian's baby is due soon, and I've had my own family to sort out.'

‘So what are you going to do?'

Jessica shrugged and sighed shakily. ‘There's nothing I can do except try to forget it.' Then realising how desperately she needed to talk to someone, she said, ‘The trouble is, time doesn't seem to be making it any better. I felt sure I'd be over it by now . . . But I have to make myself let go. And I will. I'll go to New York with Charlie . . . I'm going to tell him that he has my support. People do get past these crises and find one another again. So maybe we can too.'

Veronica glanced at her, but remained silent.

‘In fact, I'm going to tell him on New Year's Eve that I'll go with him,' Jessica decided. ‘It'll mark the end of this year, and the start of a new one, so yes, that's what I'll do at midnight, let go of the dream of last year, and embrace the life that I have as we go into the next.'

As it turned out none of them celebrated New Year's Eve as the entire family, with the exception of Jessica, was struck down by flu. Since it was a particularly virulent strain, it wasn't until a full week into January that she set about preparing a special dinner in orderto make her announcement.

On the chosen day both children were still in bed suffering, but Charlie managed to struggle into his office for a few hours, so Jessica spent as much time as she could reading
Suite Française
as well as Keats and de Lamartine, and dipping into the many other authors and poets she and Luc had discussed or
quoted. After tonight she would have to put it all behind her, so like someone about to be deprived of air she was taking in as much of it as she could before the oxygen ran out.

By the time Charlie came home she'd set the table and the lamb casserole was in the oven. It seemed a very long time since they'd used the dining room upstairs, but she'd decided not to this evening. The kitchen wasn't exactly unromantic with the lights down low and no children around, and it would save them the trouble of carrying everything back and forth.

Hearing him moving about up in the study she began running through her announcement again, not that it was particularly difficult to remember, she just needed to inject the right amount of enthusiasm into her words. There was, of course, the alternative announcement which she'd practised several times, really just to see how it felt, but she'd put it aside now. No matter how many times she rehearsed it, she wasn't going to crush him by telling him that she wanted them to try some time apart.

‘Everything OK?' she asked as he came down into the kitchen. ‘How are you feeling?'

‘Not too bad,' he answered, sounding hoarse and blocked. ‘Mm, something smells good.'

Touched, since he probably couldn't smell a thing, she said, ‘I've opened some wine. Do you feel up to any?'

‘I'm sure I can manage a glass. Do I have time to shower and make myself more human?'

‘Of course. Pop in and see the children while you're up there and remind them we're not to be disturbed.'

As he started off up the stairs she was thinking of how much they would once have enjoyed being alone
together, feeling the anticipation of what was to come swirling around them, but there was no doubt the spark had gone now, leaving her with a disconcerting mix of sadness and pity – and a lingering contempt for what he had done. She kept telling herself she'd get past that one day, and it wasn't as if she wanted to punish him, or even make him unhappy, but she really didn't want to go to New York, and if she wasn't careful she might start resenting him for the way his needs once again seemed to be coming first.

However, after a fortifying glass of wine and a stern reminder of how good it would be for her to move on with her life, she was ready to start serving dinner, and even to give Charlie a kiss when he came back downstairs looking sprucely over-shaved, and not nearly as bleary-eyed as when he'd come in.

‘They've been bribed to stay where they are,' he told her, going to pour himself some wine.

Jessica glanced at him curiously. He hadn't sounded as humorous about that as he might have. Over the next few minutes she began to realise that he was either feeling much more worn down by his flu than he was admitting, or his solemn, even edgy mood was about something else entirely.

‘Is everything all right?' she asked, carrying the first course of asparagus and vinaigrette with Parmesan to the table.

‘Yes, of course,' he answered, not meeting her eyes. ‘What about you?'

‘Fine,' she said, sitting down and unfurling her napkin.

As they started to eat she waited for him to say more, but he didn't, so she asked him about his day. He was less than forthcoming, and when he made no effort to
ask about hers it didn't as much irritate as perplex her. Clearly he had something on his mind, but for the moment he was keeping it to himself. Wondering if he was afraid she was about to tell him it was over between them, she began considering doing just that. After all, why force herself to go along with his plans just to prove she was letting her own dreams go? If she was being totally honest with herself, the only reason she was still trying to keep them together was for Harry's sake, so if Charlie wanted his son perhaps he should be giving as much thought to staying in London as she was to going to New York.

Then, realising she was being too harsh, and that a trip to New York in February was hardly too much to ask, she put her cutlery down and picked up her glass. ‘I have something to tell you,' she said.

At the same time he said, ‘You don't have to go through all this, really. I've been expecting it . . .'

‘Charlie listen, I want to tell you . . .' She broke off and started again. ‘Well, I've been thinking . . . Maybe we should try a separation for a while.' She stopped breathing. She really hadn't known until the words came out that she was going to say them, but she had now, and in spite of the tension she couldn't deny how relieved she suddenly felt.

On the other hand she was never going to feel good about hurting him, but before she could attempt to temper her suggestion he said, ‘Well, you've certainly taken your time.'

She blinked in surprise.

‘Ever since Lilian rang I knew that sooner or later you'd want to go to him,' he continued tersely. ‘Of course, I can't stop you, I understand that . . .'

‘Lilian rang?' she echoed in amazement.

It was his turn to look surprised. ‘Just before Christmas. She wanted to speak to you, but you weren't around so she said she'd call back.' The expression on her face prompted him to say, ‘Clearly she didn't.'

‘Why did she call?' she asked, feeling slightly dizzy and breathless.

With a cold edge to his voice he said, ‘She's left Luc, she's lost the baby . . . What more can I tell you? What more do you want to hear?'

She sat back in her chair, too stunned to know what to say.

With a bitter laugh he shook his head as he realised what this meant. ‘You didn't know he was free again, but you wanted a separation anyway. Well, isn't that great?'

She pushed her hands through her hair. ‘I'm sorry,' she said, ‘everything's suddenly . . . I thought . . .' She looked at him and for the strangest moment she felt as though she was drowning. Then realising there was air, only air, all around her, she took a deep, exhilarating breath.

‘So what next?' he asked. ‘I suppose you'll be moving to France.'

‘For heaven's sake,' she cried. ‘I haven't even had time to absorb this yet.'

‘What is there to absorb? He's available now, it must be what you want . . .'

‘Oh Charlie,' she said, realising his hostility was to hide the pain he was feeling, ‘please don't be angry. I know this isn't easy . . .'

‘The company flat's coming free at the end of the month,' he broke in. ‘I could move over there . . .'

‘If you're going to New York . . .'

‘I'll tell Schultz it's not on,' he said curtly. ‘It was only to give us a fresh start, but I guessed when Lilian called that wouldn't be what you wanted, so I'd rather be in London. It's where I belong, with the people I know.'

She nodded. ‘For what it's worth I think it's the right decision.'

‘And you? You'll want to take Harry with you, I suppose?'

Seeing the tears in his eyes, she had to swallow hard before she could reply. ‘Charlie, I haven't seen or spoken to Luc in months, so I can't tell you anything until I do.'

He nodded and looked down at his glass. ‘I suppose there's always a chance, when you do see him again, you won't feel the same way,' he said bleakly.

She knew how unlikely that was, but she didn't have the heart to crush his hope, small though it was, so all she said was, ‘I guess you never know.' Then finally realising that she might be seeing Luc again, and soon, she could hardly contain all the emotions that began flooding into her heart.

The following morning Jessica spent a long time on the phone talking to Daniella, then after checking Charlie's schedule to make sure he'd be around for Harry, she went online to book herself a flight. She didn't speak to Luc. She knew if she told him she was coming he'd insist on meeting her at the airport, and she didn't want the first time they saw one another with the freedom to touch and embrace to be in a public place. She had to admit that there was also the possibility she might end up cancelling, or at least postponing, for she needed to tell Nikki where she was going and why,
and she had no idea how Nikki was going to react.

‘Do you want to talk to her with me?' she asked Charlie, when she told him what she intended to do.

‘No,' he replied. ‘I'll be around if she wants me to join in, but I think you need to talk to her on your own.'

Understanding his reluctance was in part because he didn't want to hear her discussing her feelings for Luc, she didn't press the issue. She merely chose an evening when he was at home, and Nikki was more or less recovered from her flu – and when Harry was engrossed in one of his programmes. She would tell him, of course, that she was going to Valennes, but he was too young to take in the full complexities of why, the way Nikki could and since she still had no idea what the outcome would be once she saw Luc, she didn't want to start confusing him now.

‘So, what's the big mystery?' Nikki asked, all intrigued, as Jessica came into her room. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, dressed in a pink lacy tank top and pyjama bottoms, and with her hair scraped back behind her ears. She looked so much younger than her eighteen years, Jessica was thinking as she went to sit on the bed with her. It seemed a very poignant sort of irony that today of all days she should look so very like Natalie.

Smiling, she lifted a hand to Nikki's cheek and brushed it softly. ‘I'm afraid there's no easy way to tell you this, darling,' she began.

Immediately Nikki's eyes filled with alarm. ‘Oh my God. You and Dad are breaking up, aren't you?' she cried. ‘I knew it was going to happen. Oh Mum, I don't want you to. I want us all to stay together.'

As she threw her arms round her, Jessica held her close and stroked her hair. Then after a while she said,
very gently, ‘You're right, we are, but there is a little more to it.'

Nikki pulled back to look at her, full of suspicion and fear.

‘When I was in France last summer,' Jessica said, ‘Luc and I . . .'

Nikki's eyes rounded with horror. ‘Oh no, don't go there. Please don't go there,' she protested, backing away.

‘We didn't have an affair,' Jessica told her, ‘but we did become close.'

‘Oh my God,' Nikki groaned into her hands. Then her head came up sharply. ‘You're doing it to get back at Lilian, aren't you?' she challenged. ‘That's what this is about . . .'

‘No, it isn't. It happened before we knew anything about Dad and Lilian, and it wasn't something we planned, or even really wanted to happen . . . I guess it was . . . Well, like when you fell for Freddy, you didn't consciously decide you would, you just did, because there was an attraction between you . . .'

‘But I wasn't married to someone else!' Nikki cried wildly. ‘Nor was he. And what about Lilian's baby? Or have you conveniently forgotten about that?'

Jessica's eyes went down for a moment. ‘Apparently she lost it,' she said. ‘Dad only told me a couple of nights ago. Lilian called just before Christmas, and broke the news to him then. She's not with Luc now. She said she'd call back to tell me, but she never did.'

Nikki's eyes were still bright with hostile confusion. ‘So what? Luc slings her out because she can't carry a baby . . .'

‘No, of course not. He's not like that, and you know it. I spoke to Daniella yesterday and apparently Lilian
left of her own accord. She didn't feel . . . She thought he probably didn't love her any more, and when there was no longer a baby to consider . . .'

‘Does she know about you?'