A Dom Is Forever (10 page)

“I don’t have the bonds,” he heard himself saying.

“No, you don’t. Rory has the bonds. Do you see Rory’s pack?” Eve’s calm voice kept him tethered.

“No. I just see them. The dead ones. Fuck, why can’t I remember?” It was the story of his life. The most important twenty-four hours of his life and all he could remember were bits and pieces, broken shards of a nightmare. The truth was buried somewhere in his head.

“Don’t panic.” Eve’s tone was firmer now. “Don’t lose the thread, Liam. Remember that you’re really here with me. You can come back at any moment, but it’s safe for you stay there.”

It didn’t feel safe. This little flat had turned into a body dump. No one bothered with rope on these victims. They all had their throats slashed, their heads tipping back to make ghastly, bloody perversions of smiles.

Someone had enjoyed his work. He’d reveled in it.

“Stay where you are, Liam. Don’t move the memory forward. Tell me what you see. Not the bodies. I know you have that memorized. What else do you see?”

He forced himself to look past the blood. It coated the furnishings, soaked the rug. Anywhere he stepped, he would get it on him. He looked at the small table in front of the couch. It was littered with crap, but the mirror caught his eye. It was an old mirror with a pink plastic handle, but it was the residue on it that really made him think.

“I see evidence that someone was snorting coke. Eve, I’ve never touched that shit in my life. SAS would have my ass. They check from time to time and almost always before and after a mission like this. They might do it under the guise of a checkup, but everyone knows what they’re looking for.”

He’d never so much as smoked a joint. He wouldn’t have just snorted a bit of coke for fun. Rory was another story. Rory was spontaneous. Sometimes too spontaneous. He was impulsive, and it was important to keep Rory grounded or he might lose him.

Take care of your brother, Liam. He needs you.
He could still hear his mother’s words even under hypnosis. They had become a part of his life. They had become his shame.

“Stay with me,” Eve said.

He took a long breath. This, Eve had explained, was like a painting and he was in the center, merely observing. He could control the memory, slow it down or force it to speed up. He was safe as long as he stayed in control. “I don’t remember any of these people. Not even little flashes of them when they were alive. There’s a bill from the pub lying on the floor. That must be where we met them, but we’re miles away from there. Miles from the inn we were staying at.”

“I want you to stay calm now, Li. I want you to let the phone ring again. I want you to find Rory for me.”

This was the moment when he inevitably lost control and the memory took over. This was where his brain always shut down, and he came out of the hypnosis screaming.

But something was different. He felt more settled, calmer. He could do this.

The phone rang. He hated that sound, but he allowed it to ring. It trilled, pointing the way to something he didn’t want to find.

“You have to follow it, Li. It’s okay. This happened years ago. It can’t hurt you now.”

She was wrong. This would always have the ability to devastate him. This was his failure in life. Still, he let that ring fill his head. He stood there for a moment as time sped up. He concentrated on remaining in the moment. He felt the phone in his hand, the way his fingers seemed to struggle to hold it. His knees felt weak and nausea churned in his gut.

And that smell. Blood and the wharf. Someone had left a window open. In the distance, he could see the docks. He could hear the sound of water churning. Were they right on the water?

Liam forced himself to turn. Voice mail came on again. Rory didn’t have a personal message. It was just a computerized voice requesting that he leave a message and then a long beep.

But he’d heard the ring long enough. He hung up his phone and saw it. What he didn’t want to see.

Rory’s boots were on the floor. They stuck out just past the edge of the couch. Something was wrong with those boots. It was something about how they were sitting on the floor. His brain couldn’t quite handle the input. Why were the boots wrong? He shook his head. The boots could only mean one thing.

His brother was laid out on the blood-soaked floor.

“Rory?” His voice sounded smaller, younger. A boy calling out for his younger brother.
Please get up. Please.

Nothing. No movement. The boots were still, as though someone had painted them there and they weren’t actually real. As though they were nothing he could reach out and touch.

And the ringing began again.

His phone. Someone was calling him.

Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer.

Panic welled up. Fire seemed to flare from the corners of his eyes. Control. He was losing control.
Don’t answer.
He stared down at the phone. Bad things would happen if he answered that phone.

“Wake up, Li. Come out of it.”

Liam focused. He was in Eve’s room. Fuck. He wiped the sweat away. It was dripping down his brow and into his eyes. He was standing up. He’d been lying down. Confusion. He hated the feeling. One minute he’d been back there hearing that phone ringing and the next he was here doing god only knew what.

“You were trying to get out the window, Li. You seemed very intent on throwing yourself out the window.” Eve was out of breath, her normally perfect clothes askew. There was a fine tremble in her hands.

“Did I try to hurt you?” Fuck all. It was the last thing he wanted to do. Eve was his friend. She was trying to help him, and if he hurt her he would never forgive himself. Hadn’t he hurt enough people he cared about in his time? Why wouldn’t he ever learn?

She shook her head. “No. You did not. Liam, you didn’t hurt me. You were just trying to get out the window for some reason. I had to stop you, and it was a near thing.” She took a long breath. “I think you’re close to something.”

Yes. He was close to losing his bloody mind. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I got further this time.”

Eve reached out, taking his hand in hers. “You were much more in control for longer. It will get better. But next time I think we should invite someone with a little more upper-body strength to sit in.”

He gave her hand a squeeze and then backed away. “I don’t think so.”

“Why? Li, Ian wouldn’t judge you for something that happened years ago. If I know Ian, he probably knows more than he’s saying. He wouldn’t have brought you on board if he didn’t trust you.”

“If Ian knows something, why wouldn’t he bloody well tell me?” Ian didn’t know a thing. He couldn’t possibly. If he knew, Ian would have told him. Ian was the one damn person in the world he trusted completely. Ian had saved him when all evidence was against him.

Eve found her way back to her chair on shaky legs. “If Ian didn’t think you were ready he might have kept it from you. I’m not saying he knows a damn thing, Li. I’m just saying that he likely looked into the incident even if you asked him not to.”

He hadn’t. Liam had looked into it himself, calling on a few people he trusted, but all he’d been able to discover was that he and Rory were missing and considered dead.

And all he remembered about the whole bloody affair before Eve had started her therapy was waking up in the water with blood on his hands and the memory of those boots. He’d been able to remember the dead girl and Rory’s body and that the bonds were gone.

He’d woken up face down and nearly drowning with no recollection of how he’d gotten there. One minute he’d been staring at his brother’s boots and the next he’d been in the water.

After he’d gotten out of the water and realized just how fucked he was, he’d called Ian Taggart.

Eight hours later, he’d been on a plane to the States.

Liam sat down, making a few decisions. “If Ian knows something, then he had a reason to keep it from me. He probably didn’t think I was ready to know. He was the one who helped me find the building I’d been in, and he was the one who found out it had exploded that very morning.”

Eve leaned forward, intelligence radiating from her eyes. “I think you knew the building was going to explode. That’s why you were trying to get out tonight.”

“Well none of us bought the newspaper’s explanation of a gas leak,” Liam said. “I tried to run down ten leads and they all ended in nothing. No one had any idea where the bonds had gone. If they were used, it was with complete discretion. The arms dealer we were trying to take down mysteriously vanished off the face of the earth.”

“You’ve never told me why you didn’t contact your SAS group and attempt to explain what happened.”

That was easy. “I don’t know what happened. Not really. I think someone drugged my drink and after that it’s all hazy. They think I died. I thought it best to leave it at that. I tried for the first couple of years to figure out what had happened and then little by little I just gave up. I think there’s a part of me that has always wondered.”

“Li, you did not kill that girl.”

Her face still haunted him. He’d found out her name much, much later, but it was her face that came to him every night. “It was my rope. What if I did it in a drug-induced haze? What if I killed them all?”

“If you killed them all then you would know where the bonds were. It’s too coincidental. You were set up as the fall guy. Someone stole the bonds and you were supposed to be arrested, but they’d done their job too well. The SAS decided you died in the blast, too. They likely think the bonds were destroyed, and they might have been.”

Liam doubted it. Why blow the place up? It didn’t make a lick of sense. None of it did. “I got a phone call that night.”

Eve nodded. “Yes. This is the furthest we’ve been. We’ve never made it past finding Rory’s body before. That phone call sent you running for the window. It could explain how you ended up in the water. We need to know what it was about and who made it. You need to go under again. Take a few days. Do your job. Don’t think about this. When you’re ready, we’ll try again, but I need some muscle to back me up if you try to take a header again, Li. I know you want answers, but I won’t let you kill yourself to get them.”

He stood. He was done for the night. He needed a pint or twelve to get the vision out of his head.

The dungeon was down below. He could burn away the memories in some sub’s body, driving in and out until he could finally sleep.

Eve followed him out of the small room she’d taken over as her office. “Tell me something, Liam.”

He turned, weary and ready to get to the part of his night that didn’t involve reexamining his nightmares. “What?”

“What did you think of the Charles girl? Your first instinct. Is she involved with Eli Nelson?”

A vision of perfect blue eyes assaulted him. She’d been so shy at first, but when she’d given in she’d wrapped herself around him like she couldn’t get enough, like he could never give her enough to fully satisfy her. Like she would want him for the rest of her days.

“If she’s involved, she has no idea who he is. I think I could walk into a room where she was holding a smoking gun with a dead body on the floor and I would look around for the killer. She’s innocent.” After the day he’d spent with her, there was no doubt in his mind. She wasn’t capable of making a decision that might hurt someone.

Eve nodded as she opened the door to let him out. “That was my assessment, too. My profile is of a very courageous young woman. She’s been through a lot, Li. If she’s innocent, then why would you put her through more?”

Because he wanted her so badly he could still taste her on his fucking tongue. Because the minute he’d thought about her again, all those wretched visions had fled and he’d only been able to see her. Because she was different. “Just because she’s innocent doesn’t mean she doesn’t know something. She probably doesn’t even know she knows something.”

“Adam could find out without a sexual element. He can be her friend. A friend’s betrayal can be much easier to get over than a lover’s. Especially since I doubt she’s had many of those. You do intend to sleep with her, I assume.”

He was going to sleep with her. He was going to drown himself in her until he couldn’t see straight. “I’ll try not to hurt her, but I have to get close. Have you thought about the fact that if this gets dangerous, she’ll need someone to protect her?”

Yes. He could make it sound noble. He could hide the fact that he was a greedy fucker who wanted to use her to forget himself. Eve didn’t need to know that.

She sighed as though realizing she couldn’t win this battle. “All right. Just remember, she’s still fragile. She doesn’t need to lose more people she loves.”

Avery wouldn’t love him. She would come to him for something she hadn’t found. Sex. Pleasure. Submission. But she wouldn’t love him. He wasn’t lovable. She would figure that out soon enough.

He closed the door behind him only to feel eyes on his back.

Motherfucking Alex. He stood not ten feet away glaring at Liam.

“You know, this is pathetic, McKay. You’ve turned into a second-rate stalker.” He would brush past the bugger and down into the dungeon. He would fuck the first pretty brunette he could find.

“I’m just worried about her.” Alex’s whole body seemed to sag. He shook his head and turned down the hallway. “She’s a hell of a woman. Treat her right.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Alex stepped into the elevator, and Liam jogged to catch up. He got in and pressed the floor for the bar.

“I’m going to buy you a pint. You’re going to listen to me, and you’re going to stop looking at me like I’m the playground bully who took away your favorite toy. I’m not sleeping with Eve. She’s my therapist, and if you laugh, I reserve the right to kick you in the balls.”

He was deeply amused by Alex’s shocked stare.

He couldn’t sleep with anyone else. He only wanted Avery. Maybe confession was the better alternative. He’d heard confession was good for the soul.

And beer. Lots of beer.