A Cry For Hope (34 page)

Charlie’s bedroom seemed to be calling my name as I walked past. I slowly walked in, taking a seat on his bed. I looked around, feeling the familiar burn in my eyes. I picked up his favorite teddy bear and squeezed it tightly “Well, baby, Mommy did it. Thank you so much for holding my hand through this first year. I was really scared, but I carried you in my heart. You will be in my heart forever. The same way that Poppy and Nick will always be.” I wiped the stray tear that was rolling down my face. “I love you so much, Charles Jamie McAdams. As long as I live, you will always be my number one guy.”

I looked up to find Jamie standing in the doorway. He took a seat next to me on the bed, taking the teddy bear from my hands. “He really put him through the ringer, didn’t he?” he said, running his thumb over the stuffing that was coming out of the bear’s arm.

“Yup, Lenny Bear was his favorite,” I whispered.  “You know, he wouldn’t let me sew up his arm because he was afraid it would hurt him.” Jamie bit his lip as a smile slowly spread across his face. This was the first time we had been able to talk about Charlie where I saw Jamie smile.

“Well, I think that he would want his little brother or sister to have him. What do you think?” he asked, finally removing his eyes from the teddy bear and staring into mine.

I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or smile at his words so I did both. I looked at him and nodded. “I love you so much, Jamie,” I whispered as I hugged him tightly.

“I love you, too.” He stood up and took my hand, pulling me off the bed. “Wait till you taste what I made for you.”

I held his hand as he led me out the door, stopping dead in my tracks as I focused on the cardinal tattoo on his bare shoulder and the new set of initials that were printed underneath: CJM -- Charles Jamie McAdams. “What’s the matter?” he asked, turning around.

I shook my head and threw my arms around him, burying my head into his warm chest. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I smiled. It had been such a whirlwind year. My heart had taken the most emotional journey of its life and survived, and standing here in the arms of the man that I loved, I knew that my journey was over. I had finally found my way back home.

I sat by the lake in front of my doctor’s office, snapping pictures of the beautiful fall foliage as I waited for Jamie. I never got tired of looking at the vibrant shades of red and gold that adorned the trees. Fall was definitely my favorite time of year. Jamie and I had come so far in just the two short months that had passed. We still continued with our weekly therapy appointments, but this baby growing inside of me seemed to be all of the therapy that we needed. We were happy again. We were that couple that we used to be. Even though we knew that something would always be missing, we were learning to live with it instead of running away from it.

I thought of Nick often and there wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t thankful that he had come back into my life at a time that I needed him most. I wouldn’t have been the strong person that I was today if it weren’t for him. Jamie and I didn’t discuss the circumstances of my pregnancy with anyone. If people wanted to surmise their own conclusions, we were fine with that. As long as we both knew the truth and were okay with it, that’s all that mattered. I was happy with my decision to tell Nick’s dad. Nick was his only child and the fact that he and my mom were now basically inseparable, I knew that it was the right thing to do.  He would beam every time he saw me, knowing that a part of Nick would live on forever.

“Hey!” I was so deep in thought that I jumped when Jamie came up behind me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I put my camera down and smiled as he took a seat next to me. “Why are you so jumpy?”

I shrugged. “Just nervous, I guess.”

“About what?” he asked, taking a seat next to me.

“What if something’s wrong? I mean, I am over thirty. It’s a lot riskier than when you’re in your twenties. I haven’t had any morning sickness, and everything I’m reading online says -.”

He placed his finger over my lips. “Hope, you’re rambling. You do this every time you’re nervous about something. Everything is going to be fine.”

“It’s just…I don’t think we can handle any more bad news -.”

This time he placed his lips on mine, parting my mouth with his tongue to stop me from talking. I had to admit that it was the perfect distraction. “No more rambling?” he teased.

“Well, I don’t know. If that’s how you plan on stopping me…” I looked up at him and giggled.

He stood up and pulled me off the bench, taking my hand as we walked into the medical building. I signed in and we took our seat. I nervously bounced my leg up and down, and Jamie placed his hand on my thigh. He smiled and shook his head, and I immediately stopped. “Sorry,” I whispered.

I picked up a magazine and quickly flipped through the pages before placing it down. “You know, Patty said we should paint the nursery yellow if we’re not going to find out the sex, but I say we should do it in mint green or even lavender. But, you know, lavender could be a little girly. Yeah, I say the mint green, unless you -.” Jamie’s smile was a mile wide. “I know, I’m rambling.” He took my hand in his and moved it up to his lips. “I think your other method of controlling it is more effective,” I joked.

“Hope?” The ultrasound tech stood in the doorway with my chart in hand. I grabbed on to Jamie’s hand as she led us back to the room.

I lay down on the table and felt the cold jelly being placed on my belly. I had my head turned away from the screen and was focusing on Jamie. “So, where did you want to go for lunch? Your mom said that new Italian place on Second Street is really good, but I don’t know if I feel like Italian because then I will just end up eating pasta and I’ve been eating way too many carbs. Plus, we just had pasta last night and -.”

I stopped myself from my rambling when I noticed that Jamie wasn’t paying attention to a word I was saying. He was too busy looking at the screen. “Hope, look,” he said, pointing to the screen. His eyes finally meant mine and he nodded. “It’s okay. Go ahead, look.”

I slowly turned my head. The ultrasound tech moved the wand around my belly. My eyes began to tear up as the memory of my very best friend and the best gift he could have given me flashed on the screen. I bit my lip and smiled as tears rolled down my face. I pulled Jamie close and whispered in his ear. “There’s our second chance.”

His beautiful eyes were full of emotion as he kissed me on the head. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” he whispered back. I grabbed his hand tightly, never wanting to let it go.

“Everything looks great,” the ultrasound tech said. “Did you guys want to find out the sex today?” she asked.

I looked up at Jamie. “Well, it
will
solve your lavender and green dilemma,” he joked.

I took a deep breath and responded, “Yeah, we do.”

She smiled as she moved the wand slightly on my belly before stopping. “It’s a…”

I got into my car and sent Jamie a quick text. 
I’m sorry. I got held up. On my way now.

I stopped off at the store and picked up a red balloon, his favorite color, and a banana split cake, his favorite cake.  Being mid-October, the summer crowds were long gone, allowing me to find a parking spot with ease. I grabbed the cake and placed it in the picnic basket, holding on tightly to the balloon that was blowing lightly in the breeze. As I walked on to the mostly desolate beach, I spotted Jamie and Grace right away. They were sitting on a blanket close to the water. Jamie had his back to me with Grace in his arms as they both stared out at the ocean. I smiled and walked closer, stopping myself to listen once I got into earshot of the conversation that Jamie was having with Grace.

“You know, you are reminding me more and more of your big brother each day. I wish you could have met him. He would have loved you. You see those rocks out there?” He pointed out into the water, while Grace looked up at him as if she understood every word he was saying. “They have the most beautiful sand dollars. Your brother and I used to collect them for your mommy. They’re her favorite. When you get a little older, we’ll go out there and find some more.” He kissed her on the top of her head. “You are my angel, Grace.  Because of you, I got a second chance at being a dad and a second chance with your mommy. I promise to be the best daddy ever because I love you and your mommy more than anything in this world.”

I pushed a strand of hair that was blowing in my face behind my ear and wiped away a tear. I walked over to the blanket and bent down, giving them both a kiss.

Grace flashed me a huge smile and cooed when she saw me. “Sorry I’m late,” I said.

I placed the picnic basket down on the blanket and tied the balloon around the handle. I took out the cake and carefully placed eleven candles, plus an extra one for good luck. After fighting with the breeze, I finally got all of them lit. I took Jamie’s hand in mine and we began to sing.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Charlie. Happy birthday to you.”  I smiled at Jamie and kissed him softly before taking Grace from his arms so he could cut the cake. He parted my lips, feeding me a spoonful, then kissing me to remove the excess whipped cream from my mouth. 

“Do you remember how much he loved this cake?” I smiled.

“Remember? How could I forget? I was the one stuck cleaning up his throw up after he snuck downstairs and ate the entire cake on his sixth birthday.”

I began to giggle. “Oh, my god! I forgot about that!”

I smiled to myself, realizing how far Jamie and I had come. We were able to talk about Charlie and laugh instead of cry. We were celebrating his life instead of mourning his death.

“So, do you think you’ll be able to get Grace into baseball like Charlie was?” I asked.

“Hell, yeah. Just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she’s going to miss out on any of the fun.” He leaned over and kissed her head.

I looked down at Grace. She was growing so quickly. Her double-dimpled smile and her deep brown eyes would always be a pleasant reminder of my very best friend. “I can’t believe she’s seven months old, and I really can’t believe Charlie would have been eleven today.”

“Correction, Charlie
is
eleven today,” Jamie said, raising his eyebrows. “Remember, he’s still alive in here.” He placed his hand on my heart. I took his hand in mine and kissed it.

“Thank you,” I said.

“For what?”

“For coming back to me. For being my husband again. For being the best daddy in the world to Grace.”

“No, thank
you
, Hope. You never gave up on us. You loved me when I was at my worst, and you gave me this beautiful little girl that I adore just as much as her mommy.”

I handed Grace to Jamie and untied the balloon from the picnic basket, taking the string and attaching the note that Jamie and I had written. I stood up and looked down at him. “Shall we?” I asked. He stood up with Grace in his arms and took my hand as we strolled along the ocean. The water was unusually serene, looking more like a pond than the ocean.

“Here?” I asked.

“Perfect,” he responded.

I took Jamie’s free hand and wrapped his fingers around the string of the balloon just above mine.

“Ready?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Happy birthday, Charlie,” we said, simultaneously, as we loosened our grip on the string until it slid past our fingertips and slowly began to drift over the ocean. I looked into Jamie’s eyes. They were glassy, but they didn’t have the same sadness that I had been so accustomed to over the past few years. I saw happiness, the same spark that he had in those beautiful blue eyes when Charlie was still alive.

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. I leaned my head into his chest as Grace happily flailed her arms and legs, letting out a loud screech of glee. We watched the balloon until it became a faint speck, blending in with the sky that was lighting up in hues of pink and peach as the sun was beginning to set.

We had finally set the pain of Charlie’s death free, while keeping the happy memories of him alive within in our hearts; two hearts that had overcome the greatest loss in life and were beating, once again, in unison.