Read 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said Online
Authors: Ross Petras
I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on radio.
President Gerald Ford
He’s kind of in a mold by himself.
Floyd Peters, defensive coordinator of the Minnesota Vikings, on Bears running back Neal Anderson
Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year!
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
Pete Rose has three thousand hits and three thousand fourteen overall.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
He slides into second with a stand-up double.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
McCovey swings and misses, and it’s fouled back.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
Toronto hockey fans will be glad to learn that their goalie made his first girl ever in the last ten seconds of play.
a Canadian hockey sportscaster
If Rose’s streak was still intact, with that single to the left the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, about a hit made by Pete Rose
Rex Morgan winds up his career today, the only starter in the starting lineup.
Curt Gowdy, sports announcer, on air during an NCAA basketball final
Rich Rolkers is throwing up in the bullpen.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
There’s a hard shot to LeMaster—and he throws Madlock into the dugout.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
They throw Winfield out at second and he’s safe.
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer
He fakes a bluff.
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team
Down with the greedy Stamp Bourgeoisie! Long Live the Red Philatelic International, leader and guardian of the world’s working class philatelists and numismatists! Proletarian stamp and coin collectors, Unite!
from the front page of the 1924 Russian magazine for stamp collectors, the
Red Philatelist.
This manifesto was published in English, French, German, and Russian.
I looked at all the superstars. What is their different thing? Their hair…. I wanted to be a star. I said, “I have to fix my hair.”
Rob Pilatus, one half of Grammy-winning group Milli Vanilli, who were later found to be lip-synching to prerecorded songs sung by other singers, commenting on his over $700 hairstyle
These are not my figures I’m quoting. They’re from someone who knows what he’s talking about.
congressman in debate
Frances has the most beautiful hands in the world, and someday I’m going to make a bust of them.
movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn
The thing that’s kept Jeff around is his longevity.
Don Smith, defensive end with the Atlanta Falcons, on his long-playing teammate Jeff Yates
The very recognition of these or any of them by the jurisprudence of a nation is a mortal wound to the very keystone upon which the whole vast arch of morality reposes.
Thomas De Quincey, nineteenth-century English essayist, author of, among others
, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater
What do you mean, stranger? I don’t even know you.
Michael Curtiz, director, to a man on the Warner Brothers movie lot who greeted him with a “Howdy, stranger.”
I don’t think the American public wants to be bothered with the what, when, and how of lasers in space and things like that. Whether the technology will work or how much it will cost—these are peripheral arguments.
Rick Sellers, executive director of the Coalition for the SDI, as quoted in the
Washington Post
Gil Hodges is so strong he could snap your earbrows off.
Casey Stengel, famed manager of the New York Yankees and Mets
I still feel that the best answer is a head-on-head, man-to-man negotiation between the union and the airline.
President George Bush during the 1989 Eastern Airline’s pilots’ strike
The only way to stop this suicide wave is to make it a capital offense, punishable by death.
Irish legislator in Parliament
I selected a shady nook and basked in the sunshine.
R. J. Mecredy, writer and publisher, describing a day during his summer vacation
It’s more than magnificent. It’s mediocre!
attributed to Samuel Goldwyn, film producer
This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated.
James Baker, Secretary of State, discussing administration reaction to the Kohl/Gorbachev German reunification agreement
I will draw my sword from the hilt, and will not cease firing until I have proved every statement true.
speaker at a Walthamstown town council meeting
The problems will be explained to the people which I think the people are interested in. I said the explanations will be given to the people in the problems I think concerns them.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, Sr.
I am philosophically opposed to any fare increase…. That does not mean I will not support one.
Fairfax County, Virginia, Supervisor Joseph Alexander
It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were so many people talking.
Yogi Berra, talking about a dinner at the White House
I’m not going to discuss what I’m going to bring up…. Even if I don’t discuss it, I’m not going to discuss it.
President George Bush, talking about his relationship with the press
Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster, during on-air game coverage
If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender
He got me by the throat so that I could not speak and I asked him several times to let me go.
victim testifying during an assault case
There is a great deal more I want to say, but I don’t want to say any more, and I won’t.
a delegate to the National Association for the Prevention of Consumption, Manchester, U.K.
Some sinister force had come in and applied the other energy source and taken care of the information on the tape.
Alexander Haig, giving his theory on the 18½-minute gap in the Nixon tapes to special judge John Sirica
I want this house overfurnished in perfect taste.
Michael Curtiz, director, talking about a set design
Well, David, did you do any fornicating this weekend?
Richard Nixon to David Frost before an interview
If a third or more of our population were killed in an attack (a conservative estimate by the standards of the Rand Corporation’s “Study of Nonmilitary Defense”) a stronger estate tax would have a tremendous revenue potential.
from a 1963 Federal Reserve System planning document
Sure, some people pay money they may not owe. We make mistakes.
IRS Commissioner Fred Goldberg, Jr., responding to a magazine article that reported IRS billing errors of $7-15 billion
Only the little people pay taxes.
Leona Helmsley, hotel magnate, who was later indicted for nonpayment of taxes
He has never learned anything, and he can do nothing in decent style.
Johann Georg Albrechtsberger, composer, theoretician, and one of Ludwig van Beethoven’s teachers
It doesn’t matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
one of Albert Einstein’s teachers, giving his opinion on Einstein’s future to Einstein’s father
[He is] overage and certain to prove mediocre.
Francesco Basily, principal of the Royal and Imperial Conservatory of Milan, rejecting the application of composer/musician Giuseppe Verdi to study at the conservatory
To speak to a guest in another room: Please follow these instructions: 1st Floor—add 250 to the room number and dial, on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Floors—dial the number required. 5th Floor—subtract 250 from the room number
and dial, e.g. to contact Room 510 dial 260 except for Room 542 whose number is 294.
telephone instructions posted in the Zimbabwe Sun Hotel, as reported in the
Far Eastern Economic Review
The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We’ll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95.
a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the February 1990 earthquake
Nassau County NYNEX Telephone Directory (1991) Listing:
Federal Bureau of Investigation (718) 459-3140 If No Answer Call (718) 459-3140
… the number of new overhead wires would be comparatively small, and would be placed underground.
Postmaster General, during debate explaining ease of a rewiring project
The [deleted] is a key element of the Worldwide Military Command and Control System (WWMCCS) warning network…. [Deleted] currently consists
of [deleted] satellite; two [deleted] satellites; an [deleted] for [deleted] from the [deleted] satellite; a [deleted] for [deleted] and the [deleted] satellites; and a [deleted] which provides [deleted] for the [deleted]…. Using these data, [deleted] can be inferred.
a portion of an arms control impact statement submitted to Congress by the Pentagon, 1980
Telling it like it is means telling it like it was and how it is now that it isn’t what it was to the is now people.
Jill Johnston, in the
Village Voice
I cannot tell you how grateful I am—I am filled with humidity.
Gib Lewis, Speaker of the Texas House, quoted by Molly Ivins in the
New York Times
Magazine
As I was sitting on my seat, a thought struck me.
from a maiden congressional speech, as reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker
It gets late early out there.
Yogi Berra, after he dropped a fly ball during the 1961 World Series, explaining that the sun gets in players’ eyes out in Yankee Stadium’s left field
The time is here, and is rapidly approaching.
William Field, Member of Parliament
Tom Seaver:
What time is it?
Yogi Berra:
You mean now?
We’ve all passed a lot of water since then.
attributed to an old Hollywood producer, reminiscing about one of his first films
We want to minimize as much as possible the impact on the lives of the people who live in Marin County—and at that hour, there’s not that much traffic.
San Quentin warden, explaining why he set the execution time for Robert Alton Harris at 3
A.M.
Pull another end of gross and put along the ditch gap of bow-finger and turn up to get down along another bow-finger then return to button on the center.