776 Stupidest Things Ever Said (12 page)

Yesterday, you may remember, we made each other a promise. I now recall it, but you already sense all the trouble we will have in ordering all these presents, these past presents which consist of a promise, whose opening toward the present to come is not that of an expectation or an anticipation but that of a commitment.

The President is guilty of misdemeanors. It is inherent in the office.

Now I’m no cowboy. I pitch horseshoes for a living, but I don’t ride these broncos.

I am now going over and sign, and as you can notice how cold it is, twelve pens there are too cold—they can only sign one letter, each pen. If my name came out to thirteen letters, I would have misspelled it.

I wouldn’t want anything to happen to the President of the United States, even though I might be in some kind of line of succession. It probably will never happen, but it’s nice to think about anyway.

Well, I’m—were I to make the announcement and to run, the reasons that I would run is because I have a great belief in this country, that it is—there’s more natural resources than any nation of the world, there’s the greatest educated population in the world, the greatest technology of any country in the world, and the greatest political system in the world….

[You reporters] should have printed what he meant, not what he said.

I will talk to my stockbroker, and unless he gives me some good reason why I shouldn’t, I would be pleased to dispose of [my South African investments]. I am very much opposed to apartheid.

Here at the ministry we have other, more urgent, situations to deal with.

Everyone wants to jump into my throat!

This problem is a two-headed sword: it could grow like a mushing room.

The profits shall be equally divided and the residue goes to the governor.

I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.

Send all the details. Never mind the facts.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

Anyone can be elected governor. I’m proof of that.

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

Let me ask you a question, for your information.

In a general way, we try to anticipate some of your questions so that I can respond “no comment” with some degree of knowledge.

Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?

If you can’t keep quiet, shut up!

I want to hear it so quiet we can hear a mouse dropping.

After being told the correct metaphor for quiet was a pin:

Exactly, like a mouse pin dropping.

I really didn’t say everything I said.

Don’t quote what he says. Say what he means!

Sure, I look like a white man. But my heart is as black as anyone’s here.

Why would we have different races if God meant us to be alike and associate with each other?

The thing is this—we have incidents happening here all the time.

I say this a lot, and I probably shouldn’t: the difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship.

I smell a rat, I see him floating in the air, but mark me, I shall nip him in the bud.

They made an animal-type grunting sound when the National Guard was mentioned. There were some good-natured grunts. Let me admit theoretically that some people hissed.

If I listened to him [Michael Dukakis] long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.

My fellow Americans. I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught fighting a liar in the quad, you will leave Oxford by the next town drain.

The recession has been in the back of my mind, but I’ve seen no sign of it whatsoever.

You’ll never make it—four groups are out. Go back to Liverpool….

He can run any time he wants. I’m giving him the red light.

I’m for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.

We must restore to Chicago all the good things it never had.

To those who say it is time to reform this organization and that it’s time the officers stopped selling out its members, I say “Go to hell.”

This extraordinary man left no children behind him, except his brother, who was killed at the same time.

Are you any relation to your brother Marv?

My dear Sandby. I’m glad to see you. Pray is it you or your brother?

It isn’t like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids.

If Jesus were a football player, he’d play fair, he’d play clean, and he’d put the guy across the line on his butt.

If Christ were a ballplayer, he’d be the best there was. He’d take out the guy at second base, then he’d say, “I love you,” pick him up, slap him on the butt and come back to the dugout.

I can’t perceive God being on the mound in the ninth inning and saying [a loss] is the way it should be. I perceive Him as being an individual who would beat you any way He can as long as it’s within the rules.

If Jesus were on the field, he’d be pitching inside and breaking up double plays. He’d be high-fiving the other guys.

I have reiterated over again what I have said before.

His reputation preceded him before he got here.

Should the Red hordes continue to pour across the Yalu, it might not only render impossible the resumption of our offensive, but conceivably could eventuate in a movement in retrograde.

I would take my own head by the hair, cut it off, and presenting it to the despot, would say to him, “Tyrant, behold the act of a free man.”

… the safe times [for sex] are the week before and the week of ovulation.

Now ride off in all directions.

You are partly one hundred percent right.

… airplanes may be used for the purpose of keeping rioters off roofs by means of machine gun fire … infantry should and will invariably constitute
the major part of any command employed in suppressing domestic disorders … armored cars will be especially valuable in riot duty….