50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food (12 page)

Connecting with friends and family is much more rewarding and healing than the comfort you can obtain from eating (Freeman and Gil 2004). The trick is to get the right kind of healing connection and support when you need it. Kind, supportive words from a soothing friend can make the difference between a food binge and calming down without having eaten one bite because of stress.

In this chapter, you will find healthy ways to reach out to comforting people for support. Don’t be afraid to lean on these relationships during stressful times. If you don’t have a great many friends or you are introverted, that’s okay. It is not the number of people that heals but the quality and depth of your relationships. You can find these supportive connections in many different ways.

It’s important to connect with the right people and to avoid toxic people. These are the friends and family members who try to guilt-trip you into doing things you don’t want to do. They make you feel bad by being overly critical or by telling you you’re not good enough. You may not be able to cut these people out of your life, but you can control how much time you spend with them and how much toxicity you allow into your life.

You need to find a good balance between self-soothing and being soothed by others. Friends and family members can provide you with helpful insights, cheerleading, and supportive statements. But you need to know how to calm yourself when you are alone. Also, you don’t want to stress out friends by leaning on them too often. This chapter will also help you learn how to apply the soothing you’ve obtained from loved ones in your past to the present day. In other words, don’t worry if you are alone or live far away from people who care about you. You can use some of these skills even when you are all alone.

I could go for two weeks without going for a run. But if I make a date to meet Victoria to go jogging, I will definitely be there. No excuses. No backing out. We help each other out all the time, and I don’t want to let her down. I call her cell phone whenever I think I’m about to binge. I don’t even have to say much. Just hearing her voice is enough to make me feel better because I know that she gets how I’m feeling.

—Marie

Marie is someone who greatly benefits from the buddy system. She teamed up with her friend and coworker Chelsea. They make a great team. The two women support each other by venting their worries to each other. Despite very different lives, both women struggle with overeating and exercise. Marie is married and has a new baby. Chelsea is single and taking care of her ailing mother. They found a common bond in their challenges as primary caregivers. Daily, they discuss how difficult it has been to balance their own needs with those of their loved ones. Marie sends Chelsea supportive e-mails. Chelsea makes healthy slow-cooked meals that she shares with Marie’s family. They often walk and talk, which helps to cut down on their emotional eating.

Ideally, like Marie and Chelsea, your buddy will be a friend who wants to help you and is also in need of emotional support from you. Often it’s much easier for others to be empathetic when they understand your struggles personally or have lived with similar challenges.

Sometimes it is helpful to have more than one supportive relationship. If one buddy isn’t available or is too busy with his or her own issues, it’s beneficial to have another buddy to turn to. Moreover, one friend may be particularly good at cheerleading when you need encouragement, while another friend may be great at confronting you in a kind way when you slip up. Various relationships also bring forth different qualities and strengths from you.

~self-soothing technique~

Your Soothing Sponsor

• Choose your buddy wisely. Your buddy should be nonjudgmental and a good listener and shouldn’t want to compete with you.
  
• Think of the person you choose as your soothing sponsor—someone who provides only support, not therapy or advice. Agree to call each other before engaging in emotional eating. As soon as you get the urge to emotionally eat, pick up the phone. Or if you are feeling vulnerable, call before you feel the urge.
  
• Chose a code word (a neutral word or phrase) to discreetly signal on the phone that you are in need of help.
  
• You also may want to come up with a motto or a slogan that exemplifies your goals. This can be a motivational quote or a team motto.
  
• Send your buddy encouraging words randomly by e-mail. Leave a thoughtful voice message. Send a poem by snail mail.
  
• Be a mindful listener. When you are with this person, let go of everything else on your mind. Try to avoid listening with just one ear or becoming distracted by your own thoughts. Really focus on everything your buddy is saying.
  
• Buy a copy of this book for your buddy and look through it together. Discuss which techniques might work well for the two of you to do together.
  
• Make each other accountable. Agree on the number of times you will check in with each other. Be proactive. Call instead of waiting for your buddy to call you.
  
• Meet regularly. For example, go for a walk every Tuesday night, call each other on Sunday evenings, or send a supportive e-mail every other day.
  
• Set good limits. It’s okay to say no to each other when you need to.
  
• Give positive feedback as often as possible. When you want to do this, always start with a positive comment and follow it up with the issue you want to address. Be sure to give each other an equal amount of time to talk.
  
• Reward and celebrate positive changes together.
  
• If you can’t find a buddy, try a pen pal or join an online virtual support group with people who are dealing with similar issues. Food problems are often influenced by one’s culture, ethnicity, and environment. Writing or e-mailing to someone you don’t know but who is from another background gives you something interesting to do. It also provides you with a sense of connection to a world larger than your own. And it helps you be mindful of how your culture and friends shape your issues with food.
  

~self-soothing technique~

Picture Someone You Love

Create a photo collage of comforting pictures for your desk or bedroom mirror—your child’s first birthday, photos from your prom, a snapshot from a favorite vacation spot, and so on. Select photos that make you smile effortlessly. When you are struggling with food cravings, look at your collage or find a box of old photos to look through. Then put up these photos in places where you will be sure to see them when you get the urge to binge.

Every afternoon I check out the updates from my favorite bloggers. It’s fun to read about the craziness, adventures, and ordinariness of someone else’s life. Sometimes it makes my worries seem like small potatoes. Other times it helps me feel a little more normal. Sure, checking out someone’s blog is a little voyeuristic, but it is very entertaining. It keeps me very amused during the moments I could be snacking.

—Dawn

Blog
is shorthand for Web log. These are Internet journals that are open to anyone to read. There is a blog for just about everything. There are even blogs about people who blog. Blogs give you a brief peek into someone else’s mind. Before the Internet, people weren’t privy to the private lives of people they didn’t know and would never meet in person. Blogs have changed that. They’re a great way to entertain yourself and ward off boredom eating. You can spend a lot of time online investigating how other people handle stress eating. Look for tips and advice. Reading about someone else’s struggles with food really can help you understand your own. Such reading may give you a new perspective and remind you that you are not alone.

~self-soothing technique~

Blog It Out

Create your own blog. Use it as a way to process your feelings. The advantage of using a blog rather than a journal is that it’s right on your computer desktop and can be easily tailored to meet your needs. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your feelings and viewpoints with the entire world, keep a private blog. Go to
www.blogger.com
to start a free site of your own. Give your blog a central theme, like “New Mom Struggling with Food Addiction” or whatever is bothering you.

If you aren’t in the mood to share your thoughts, check out one of the many blogs already in cyberspace. There is sure to be a blog similar to your concerns or to what you would like to write about. Go to
www.bloglines.com
and
www.technorati.com
. Or enter “emotional eating” on the sites
www.blogcatalog .com
and
www.mybloglog.com
. A list of all the blogs already created about this topic will pop up.

A few words of caution: Be careful not to reveal too much personal information, such as your full or real name or where you live. Also, don’t say hurtful things about other people. You can put yourself in danger. It is also considered unprofessional to reveal too much to others if you work with the public as a teacher or a counselor. Avoid giving too many identifying details. Also, be careful which sites you choose. There is a lot of harmful and inaccurate advice on the Web. You may want to start with blogs associated with universities, treatment centers, and health writers for newspapers or science journals.

~self-soothing technique~

Virtually Connect

Websites such as
www.facebook.com
,
www.myspace.com
, twitter.com, and
www.myyearbook.com
are some of the largest networking sites that allow you to connect with people in cyberspace. If you’re already on one or more of these sites, it’s likely that you’ve reconnected with old friends and even family members you haven’t seen in a long time. You even may have found some new virtual friends. When you get the urge to emotionally eat, commit to sending at least one message (it doesn’t have to be about food). Or look for one new friend. When you’re done sending a message or have found a new buddy, reevaluate your hunger level.

I tend to eat when I’m angry. If I can just vent my frustrations to someone, typically I feel better. Sometimes I use my journal to vent to myself. Other times I call my best friend. Letting off some steam is much healthier and more productive than stuffing my face with junk food.

—Tina

Tina, a veterinarian, called her sister from her cell phone as she drove home from work. She told her sister all about the frustrating events of her day. She had been inundated with pet emergencies and one unexpected crisis after another. By the time she arrived home, she had run out of things to say and she felt much better. Just getting it off her chest was all she needed to calm down without the assistance of a sweet snack.

There are many different ways to vent. Some ways are helpful, some are not. Aggressive or traditional ways of venting, like throwing things or hitting a pillow, can sometimes increase rather than decrease your frustration and anger (Bushman 2002).

The type of venting that is helpful, and recommended, is putting how you feel into words. Basically, this means articulating your experience and emotions to another person. In part, it feels good to have someone listen. It makes us feel important and as though we have something worthy to say. Talking to someone also forces you to create a coherent story about your feelings. You take jumbled-up emotions and organize them in a way that make sense to someone else. When you vent, you explain to someone the reason something made you upset, which can lead to a lot of insights and aha moments.

A friend, coworker, or relative who allows you to vent is giving you a gift of their time and attention. They allow you to express yourself in a controlled and safe manner. Try to be mindful of this and open to their suggestions and perspective.

Take note that venting is different than problem solving. Basically, when you vent, you are not trying to fix the situation. Looked at realistically, some situations can be neither fixed nor changed. For example, you can’t get rid of your boss, and neither can you change her. You must find a way to get along with her. Venting about her annoying habits may be your best option.

If you want venting to be helpful instead of hurtful, keep in mind that you need to be careful about whom you choose to vent to. The best person to unload your feelings to is a close friend or a trusted family member. Additionally, there are some important rules about whom you should never vent to. Many people have made the mistake of airing their grievances at work, only to be overheard by someone in management. Or your problems could be turned into office gossip. This just makes things worse. Another rule is not to vent to the person causing you grief. It’s too easy for venting to feel like an attack, even if it isn’t meant that way. This would defeat your purpose.

~self-soothing technique~

Venting Instructions

When you call a friend to vent, let him or her know immediately what you are asking for. Be specific. Start the conversation with “I’m so mad at myself for emotionally overeating. I’m calling because I need someone to…” This is where you fill in the blank. You may want a sympathetic ear, a cheerleader, or a reality check. Sometimes close friends think they have to fix your feelings or give you suggestions. However, the person listening to you vent need only listen, not give advice or try to change your situation.

If you don’t have anyone to vent to, consider writing a letter to someone you might want to tell your grievance to. But don’t mail this letter. Writing a letter is safer than sending an e-mail, especially if you don’t mail it. It’s too easy and too tempting to send e-mails. If this sounds too taxing, you can talk to a mirror. If you don’t know how to begin, start by asking yourself this question: “What about this situation makes me so upset? Why do I feel that I need to get it off my chest?”

If I could call Marie, my best friend, at this moment, she’d tell me some harmless gossip, make me giggle, and keep me so amused that I’d forget about my stupid chocolate craving. But she has a big exam tomorrow and I don’t want to bother her. Besides I need to do this myself. If she could just be attached to my hip at all times, I’d be fine. I hate that I use food as my stand-in for my best friend.