50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food (13 page)

—Amy

Sometimes it feels like there is no one and nothing to turn to except the ice cream in your freezer. It’s 2:00 a.m. and your best friend is away on her honeymoon. Or perhaps you are new in town and haven’t made any close friendships yet. There just isn’t anyone convenient to turn to for support when you really need it. Food cravings don’t wait for convenient moments. So what can you do?

This is when you have to get a little creative. Visualize someone who has done a good job of comforting you. It might be a parent, a friend, or a teacher. (Many teachers are skilled at reaching out to students with personal problems.) This person can be from your past or your present, and need not even be alive. Perhaps your grandmother was the most supportive person in your life. Although she has been gone for several years, you still miss her comforting skills and her ability to make you feel better. Or the person who provides the most comfort to you may be your therapist. If you are in therapy, perhaps you can guess what compassionate and empathetic words your therapist would use if you were sitting in his or her office talking about how uncomfortable you are feeling.

The necessary supportive words might come from someone you haven’t really met, like a character in a book or a play. You may know the author’s philosophy and values. For example, if you’re a Jane Austen fan, you may have read enough of her work to be able to imagine how she would counsel you about the problems in your love life.

Most people internalize the voices of those closest to them. Often they’re unconscious of the influence these voices have on the ways they comfort themselves. When I ask a client to imagine what a friend would say to cheer her up, often she can guess. For example, Linda said, “Yes, I know what my friend Sarah would say if I was depressed like today. She’d say, ‘Girl, that’s enough moping. Be ready in ten minutes. We’re going shopping.’” My point is this: you don’t need someone to be physically present to converse with him or her or to get the benefits of your friend’s soothing.

~self-soothing technique~

Talk It Out

If you are having a hard day and no one is available to help you feel better without resorting to food, you can do this exercise in one of the following two ways:

• Write it out.
  Write a letter in a blue pen. Describe in vivid detail how you feel. Then take a different color to write a response. The response should be written from the perspective of a comforting friend or parent. The different color pen reminds you to stay in the other person’s voice.
  
• Role-play.
  If you are a visual person, set an empty chair across from you. Imagine your friend sitting in that chair. You may even want to get up and sit in the chair, as if you were your friend. You may feel silly, but it’s likely that you will get into the role of your friend after a few minutes. And if role-playing gets you to smile, would that be so terrible?
  

My dog is my best friend and my therapist. When he hears me open up the refrigerator, Lucky comes running. He gives me this look of deep concern. Lucky always knows when I’m having a hard time. I thank Lucky for watching out for me, and I stroke his coat until my futile food craving passes. His soft fur is soothing. I vent all my frustrations about food and how much I wish this problem would just go away. Lucky never rolls his eyes or stops listening like some of the people in my life. He also snuggles up close and never shies away from my touch. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

—Jackie

If you are having a hard day, there is no better medicine than snuggling up with man’s best friend. This isn’t just a good suggestion, it is scientific fact. Pets have great healing powers and incredible therapeutic value (Lilienfeld and Arkowitz 2008). This is great news given that half the homes in America have pets.

In addition to being your favorite buddy, a pet can be one of your best assets in finding comfort without resorting to food. If you are drawn to food because of a sense of emptiness, loneliness, or boredom, your relationship to your pet may be key to moving past this. You can have a very straightforward and uncomplicated relationship with a pet. No games. No name-calling. It is a reliable and safe friendship.

Noah, a recently divorced schoolteacher, realized that pets are excellent at listening and keeping secrets. When feeling angry with his ex-wife (who’d recently had an affair that had led to their divorce), he always talked it out with his dog. Rocky, Noah’s dog, had an uncanny way of knowing how Noah felt. Rocky could sense Noah’s despair and often tried to get Noah in a better mood. Like Noah, try to open up to your pet. It will help.

People who live with pets often talk about the social benefits that come with having a pet. For example, they often help you start conversations with random strangers. If you are having a food craving, hang out with your dog at the park and respond to people who talk to your pet. One of my clients brings her cat to family functions. The cat provides a great buffer and a diversion from family tensions.

~self-soothing technique~

Calming Moments with Your Pet

• When you are craving comfort foods, consider taking your dog for at least a ten-minute walk, if not longer. The exercise itself will help you to feel better. And spending some time with your dog or cat may give you the unconditional love you might really be craving.
  
• If you have a cat, keep a toy handy like a fishing pole, feather, or squeaking ball. There’s nothing better to get your mind off your troubles than watching your furry friend happily bounce around with a toy.
  
• What if you don’t have the energy to play to play with your pet? That’s okay too. Simply holding or stroking an animal’s coat can decrease your heart rate and lower your blood pressure. Find a cozy corner and commit to ten minutes of petting and talking to your pet.
  
• Pet owners know that pets, much like kids, require structure and routine. They need to be fed and walked about the same time every day. Use this to your advantage. If you are troubled by midafternoon snacking, keep yourself busy by taking your dog out for a walk or brushing your cat. Eat together at set times.
  
• If you don’t own a pet, consider borrowing one. Offer to take your neighbor’s dog for a walk or do an Internet search and start looking for a dog that needs to be walked.
  
• If you don’t have a pet, you might consider getting one, but be sure to pick a pet that matches your personality and lifestyle. If you pick a pet that doesn’t match you, it will be more stressful than helpful in your efforts to control mindless eating. Or go to an animal shelter to volunteer.
  

I saw a clip on TV of a woman who had bought a pair of Oprah Winfrey’s shoes at a sale of Oprah’s clothes. Whenever the woman felt blue or lonely, she put on the shoes and imagined what Oprah would do or say. It always worked to lighten her mood. I can see why this is helpful. I’ve taken acting classes that taught me the value of trying to look at the world through someone else’s eyes. When I play someone very different from myself, like a motorcycle mama or a socialite, I study these characters closely. I try to understand who they are, what they think, how they feel, and their motivations. The techniques I learned in acting class help me cope with stress eating. I practiced being someone who doesn’t struggle with food. I tried to understand and copy how such a person would behave. After a while, I wasn’t acting, it was really me.

—Melissa

Each day you observe people all around you to learn how to do certain things. Let’s say that you go to a new restaurant. You may watch other people to determine if you are expected to seat yourself or wait for a hostess to escort you to your table. Or maybe you decide to stay at work past five o’clock because you see your coworker still sitting at her desk when it’s time to go home. You can pick up a lot of helpful coping habits from observing others. Maybe you observe that your sister-in-law goes for a jog whenever she has a stressful day. Or your husband says humorously, “Oh well,” whenever he makes an error. You can try on other peoples’ coping skills for size.

~self-soothing technique~

Act It Out

Observe your friends, family, and coworkers for at least a week. Focus on positive role models who soothe themselves without food. Do research and ask them how they handle particular situations. Take a lot of notes. Write down what they say to themselves. Watch their body language.

Once you observe some coping behaviors, then you can try them out by using acting skills. Even if you don’t have any particular acting talent, give it a try. Just mimic the healthy, effective ways you see that people use to calm themselves.

Here’s another way you can use acting: When you’re in a good mood, act out the ways in which you could avoid emotional eating successfully. For example, role-play walking into the kitchen and opening up the refrigerator as if you were about to stress eat, but then walk right out of the kitchen and engage in a distraction. The value of role-playing is in rehearsing the behavior so that it can become automatic. My clients often repeat the saying “Fake it ’till you make it.” Sometimes you must do the behavior for a while before it becomes natural, familiar, and easy to do.

~self-soothing technique~

Mirror Image

Here’s another way you can put your acting skills to good use. Put an empty chair across from where you’re sitting. The two chairs represent your two conflicted sides: the side that wants to eat for comfort and the side that wants to eat only at scheduled mealtimes when hungry. Perhaps, at this very moment, you’re feeling torn and conflicted about whether to dive into stress eating. Sit in one chair to make the argument for emotional eating. Then get up and sit in the other chair to argue against emotional eating. It’s essential to get up and physically move from chair to chair. When you move your body and shift it to another location, it literally helps you to see things from another perspective. Notice how your mood changes as you shift into each role.

I love trying something new. This wasn’t always so for me. I used to be phobic about change. I clung to the same old things, afraid I wouldn’t like something new. Now I regret not being more open to things in the past. My narrow-mindedness made me miss a lot of opportunities. When a new idea pops into my mind, I no longer dig my heels in. This attitude has helped me to find creative ways to stop stress eating.

—Jim

Do you eat out of boredom? If you try to nibble away the monotony of a dull half hour, it’s important to try stimulating your brain in a different way. When you do something new, you actually change your brain chemistry. Sensations and experiences you’ve never encountered before create new neural pathways. Stimulating your brain in novel ways makes you smarter and helps you to think of more creative solutions to problems, including the issue of overeating. Doing something new is also challenging. It requires all of your focus. It’s hard to stay bored when you try to acquire a new skill.

Trying out a hobby that you’ve never attempted before can also help you form new relationships. You may widen your social network by joining a new club or class. You may meet a teacher who can show you how to practice the new skill. You may make new friends. Trying something new, outside of your normal routine, provides you with entertaining stories to tell others, which can be useful when you want to socialize in order not to eat.

~self-soothing technique~

Try Something Novel and Innovative

There are few things worse than feeling that you are stuck in a rut. Doing something out of the ordinary can rev up your energy level. Before you get started, make sure you are in the right frame of mind. Don’t be surprised if your mind plays tug-of-war between wanting to do something new and wanting to go back to the familiar. It is a natural human reaction to resist change. At first, remind yourself to keep an open mind, even if you don’t like the new activity. Tell yourself, “Give it a try” and “Stick with it.”

Not sure what new frontier to conquer? Here are some suggestions for new activities:

• Turn a new direction—literally. On your way home, make a left turn instead of a right. Take the scenic route around the neighborhood. Have you often wondered what was across the next avenue? Take a peek. Drive or take a walk on some unfamiliar roads.
  
• Find a new station on your radio to listen to. If you’re a rock fan, try listening to the blues or to Spanish music. At first, you may not like it. Try to be open to the new sound. Don’t change the station back to your tried-and-true programs immediately. Allow at least several songs to play.
  
• On your next trip to the grocery store, buy a vegetable or bread you’ve never tried before. Or purchase a familiar food but with a flavor you haven’t sampled yet. For example, if you like salsa but always buy the mild, try something hotter.
  
• Shop for a new outfit. If you wear black all the time, try red. Try on something that doesn’t “look like you” at all, such as a different style of shirt or cut of pants. If you’re a jeans person, get a dressy outfit or a sexy pair of shoes.
  
• Investigate clubs in your community. Look for a biking club, a book club, an herb or gardening society, or a volunteer organization.
  
• Make something healthy from scratch—an applesauce cake, wine, or homemade granola. Find a recipe and go to town.
  

Remember that your overall goal is to stretch your comfort zone. You may need to think carefully about what is truly new for you and what is sticking to the old tried and true you know and love.

What do I really need right now instead of a chocolate milkshake? A hug. I need someone to wrap her or his arms around me and tell me that it will be okay. When I get the desire to consume food like a human garbage disposal, I stop and ask myself what will really make me feel better. Nine times out of ten, I seek out my husband to wrap me up in a bear hug or rub my back.

—Nelly

The next time you engage in comfort eating, think about the following study. It offers compelling evidence that snuggling will give you much more soothing than a chocolate brownie. Often, the touch of a hand and the warmth of an embrace will be the kind of comfort you are really seeking.