Authors: Elizabeth Nelson
Every day at work I checked the tabloids online, my doubts about Nate fading each time there was nothing reported. I cursed myself for doing it, but it had become a habit I had to feed. At home, I’d relaxed a lot more around Becky. I was learning to compartmentalize, and Nate could be pushed to the back of my head while I was around her. I never heard from him in the evenings and only got the odd message during the day after I’d contacted him first. It was driving me crazy, in truth, but the forced distance and lack of communication could only be a good thing, really, it’d help slow my feelings and gave me some time to think. In theory, anyway.
I switched frequently from believing that we had to fight for something that felt so perfect when we were together, to worrying that he and I were so imperfect as individuals that we would never find a healthy arrangement. Mostly, I tried to get on with living as I always had done and ignore the stirrings in my soul that Nate had awakened. But not today.
I’d be seeing him in a couple of hours. It had all worked out beautifully. Becky was staying at Jason’s for the entire weekend so I hadn’t even had to put myself through the torture of thinking up make believe places I could be going to. The moment I heard the door shut behind her, I’d turned my music to an ear-splitting level to dress and get ready. Bubbles of excitement popped in my belly. the anticipation for tonight had been building for over a week, and I was nearly set to burst.
It was the feeling of freedom I enjoyed most. Being able to set curls into my dark hair, outline my eyes with black kohl until they smoldered, trying on twenty different outfits, each one discarded in a heap on my bed. All without questions, without a face that would remind me my actions were devious and sneaky. I settled on black skinny jeans with flat black boots—I had nearly put heels on, then thought of all the standing I’d be doing while they played and sensibly changed my mind. Finally, I chose a dark grey top adorned with tiny, faded skulls. The top was figure-hugging, but I pulled it down just a touch more—a little cleavage never hurt anyone.
I hopped in my car and hit the freeway, the venue was a two hour drive, and as the road sprawled out ahead of me, stabs of nervous thrill churned my insides. Nate had invited me to a show, which meant that all the other band members and crew would see me, would know that I was there for him. Of course, we would be playing the friend card heavily, but they weren’t stupid. This would be us taking tentative steps into becoming public. Could it be that I’d been right to think that Nate’s feelings for me were more serious than he was letting on?
I had to park a good ten minute walk away, and I passed throngs of people, many of whom had Nate’s face printed on the back of their t-shirts and hoodies, I hugged myself delightedly. That was the man I was having sex with. All these people, they just wanted to be close to him, and I was about to see him naked. Although my nerves were still humming, I practically skipped to the door.
I walked past a mile-long queue and gave one of the door staff my name. He radioed it through to the staff indoors, pulled a red colored band out of his coat pocket and attached it to me. I glanced down: Access All Areas. I was pointed in the direction of the backstage area, smiling serenely at the pleas from some of the girls standing in the front, begging me to take them in with me. I located Rob as soon as I opened the door to the backstage area. He didn’t look surprised to see me so I guessed Nate had already told him of my arrival. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek and directed me to the main hangout. Everyone looked super busy and it was noisy in the vast room. The overhead lights were bare and harsh, revealing every scuff and cobweb on the dirty white walls. I didn’t recognize anyone, so I perched on the edge of a sturdy looking flight case and texted Nate to let him know I was here.
Within a couple minutes he was looming over me, a stupid grin on his face. My eye line was level with his crotch and I raised one eyebrow suggestively as I looked up at him. God, he was a work of art.
“You pervert,” he told me off as we hugged. “I’m glad you’re here. Listen, there’s drinks and stuff in my dressing room—fourth door on the right down the hall—but if you want anything else, just ask Rob.” He melted me with his gaze, and I had to practically shake myself back to focus on the words he was saying. “Somehow, I’ve finally convinced everyone that I’m over Becks so it was cool to say me and you were hanging out as friends. That’s okay, right?”
That was more than okay. It was the sensation of being included and accepted that made it more than okay—like I finally belonged somewhere. Not just that though, being around Nate’s closest friends would give me the chance to properly assess what he was really like, whether what Becky had told me about his womanizing, drinking and moodiness were the memories of a past girlfriend scorned or the real man. This was the beginning of my chance to see if he had learned from previous mistakes. It felt underhanded of me to think in this way. But I was walking a tightrope for him right now, and he needed to prove to me that he was worth it.
“I’ll probably go and steal a few beers later.” I wanted to kiss him so damn badly. He had a hungry look in his eyes that I read as him feeling the same way.
“I gotta go in a sec. Oh, and just to warn you, we’re doing a meet and greet package tonight. Rob’s new venture. So there’ll be fans watching from the side of the stage with you. About fifty or so. Just don’t let them freak you out too much, okay.”
I tapped him playfully on the arm. “I’m used to your crazy fans. I can handle it. They just better not block my view is all, or I’ll start a riot.” He reached down and squeezed my hand covertly. A thousand volts rocked my core.
“See you later,” he whispered huskily, leaving me in the stark brightness of the room.
I had been all talk
. When I finally made my way to the side of the stage, I was met with girls crying, squealing and whooping all at once, and I was sure that the males who were there would have been doing the same thing had they not wanted to impress those girls. So I hovered at the back, not wanting to get involved in the hysteria.
I could just about make out Nate’s silhouette against the blue lasers sweeping over the stage blindingly. He opened the set with one of my favorite Chance songs—travelling down from a stage rigged in the sky to the stage floor, his arms outstretched like Christ as Mikey kicked in a powerful beat. As he jumped off the rig, he spun his guitar around from his back and tore the microphone from its stand. His voice oozed like liquid gold into my ears. I could feel it vibrating in my throat and pulsing between my legs. I swear I stopped breathing for two minutes at the sheer velvet of it. I had seen this band play so many times, yet today I was overwhelmed by pride, lust, joy, sex. I don’t know whether it was the collective adoration seeping from the group of people standing in front me, or if it was because my feelings for him were more intense than the last time I’d seen him play. Whatever it was, I rode the wave, singing along with the others, cheering and yelling in the right places, and I morphed into fangirl.
So much so, in fact, that during one of the songs, a girl turned to smile at me while we sang along together. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me next to her. “You’ll get a better view here,” she said loudly in my ear.
“Thanks.” I grinned at her, the shared experience making us instant companions.
“No worries.” She held her hand out. “I’m Alice, by the way.”
I shook it enthusiastically. “I’m Anna. Nice to meet you Alice.”
I’d never been part of such a large collective group before. My parents had never let me go to pop concerts when I was younger, and Peter just wasn’t the sort to get sweaty and enjoy himself. The Chance gigs I’d been to with Becks had been the first large scale music shows I’d been exposed to, and even then, it had generally been quite a muted affair watching from the wings. This was how it was supposed to feel—invigorating, sticky, charged. I felt part of a collective, a piece of a group with a common interest, a common love. It was—it felt like home. I felt like I belonged.
We jumped up and down and sang so loudly that my voice was hoarse by the time Nate sped off stage. His eyes obviously took some time adjusting to the darkness as he tried to locate me, I gave him a small wave and the smile I received as he found me was better than if someone had told me I’d won the lottery. He held up his hand, fingers wide, telling me ten minutes, before bounding down the steps and out of sight.
“Do you know him?” Alice asked me, her voice gruff from the singing.
“Erm. . .sort of. We’re just friends.” I couldn’t help the warm ball of smugness as I told her.
“Yeah, me too,” she said. It took me a second for it to register.
“Oh. What, you’re friends with him too?” The look on her face made me want to smack it. I may have had momentary smugness, but she wore hers like a badge, and suddenly I knew exactly what she was going to tell me. Part of me wanted to run away, pretend I hadn’t seen that righteous gleam in her stupid, massive eyes and make like I’d imagined it. But some sick part of me wanted to stay and hear it.
“I guess you could call us friends. Friends with benefits, though, really.” She purposefully paused, waiting for me to pounce, waiting for the gushing and the pleading for details. I think she saw the blood drain from my face. She certainly picked up on my rising fury—her expression turned from smug to nervous. “Hey, it was only once, I don’t want to have a fight over him or anything.”
“I’m not going to fight you, you stupid bitch.” I barged her out of the way and marched in the direction of Nate’s dressing room, the muscles in my jaw so tense they started to ache. I flung open the door with a loud crash and he spun round, towel around his waist, still dripping from the shower.
“Anna—”
“You fucking dick,” I yelled. “Some way to ‘prove your trust through actions,’ asshole. Stay the fuck away from me, you’re full of shit.”
I didn’t move for a second, just stared after her as she stormed down the corridor. There were a whole bunch of people milling about who had most certainly heard the whole thing, but I didn’t care. I had no idea what had just happened or what had triggered that outburst. I’d been so happy that Anna was here, and she’d been fine with me before I went on stage. Even after, that smile she’d flashed had seemed genuine. I couldn’t, for the life of me, think what could’ve possibly happened between then and now for her to unleash that tirade on me.
Hopping around, trying to pull my pants on with one hand and locate her number on my cell in the other, I hung up and tried again, each time she let it ring to voicemail. I had to put the phone down as I buttoned myself up, fingers fumbling while my heart pounded. I know this was supposed to be a casual fling with no room for it to be anything more, but I couldn’t deny the fear in my heart that I’d caused real upset in her about something and I—
The knock on my door made me start, and I flung it open, still topless, hoping it would be Anna. It was a member of the security team. She averted her eyes bashfully as I impatiently waited for her to speak.
“Sorry to disturb you, sir, but Rob’s told me you’ve got five minutes before the meet and greet are due to the green room.”
“Thanks,” I told her, closing the door and cursing Rob with every profanity I could think of. I dialed Anna again, and this time left a message.
“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but don’t go. Come back and talk to me about this, tell me what happened.” I sounded desperate, so I coughed to relax my vocal muscles. “Rob’s organized this dumb meet and greet that I can’t get out of, so I can’t come after you. I’ll say some hellos, have some photos taken and be outta there as soon as I can. Just. . .stay here, okay?” Sighing, I quickly checked my hair in the mirror and headed to the main hang out room.
A quarter of it had been cordoned off and a white clothed table groaned with soft drinks and snacks. Mikey and Jon were already in the middle of it as Rob spoke to them, his face already an attractive purple.
“Ah, Nate.” Rob beckoned me over. “I was just explaining, there is a very strict time constraint; you need to get around every person in fifteen minutes so no chit-chat. Quick hugs, smile for the camera and onto the next, alright?”
I nodded at him and forced a tight-lipped smile at the others. Jon saw the tension on my face, and was just about to ask when Rob spoke into his walkie, instructing the staff to bring down the fans, so there was no time.
Within seconds, we were swarmed by people, most of them wanting to touch us, tell us how our music had changed their lives. It was quite humbling, actually, to hear their stories, to see their passion and belief in us. For one crazy moment, I forgot that we were all a bunch of musicians who had gotten lucky, and believed that we were doing something on a far deeper level than that—we were helping people through their toughest days, sharing their greatest joys. And then I saw her. Alice.
In an instant, I pieced together the events that must have led up to Anna’s outburst. They must have been side stage with each other and got talking. Dumb, idiot fangirl. I could have throttled her and her loose tongue. I had no chance of getting out of here before the allotted time, it wouldn’t have been fair on the others either, so I did the most spiteful thing I could think of without causing a scene. I hugged her in the standard way we hugged all fans, shoulders forward, ass back, and released her quickly. I thanked her for coming to the show and then moved on to the next person before she had the opportunity to speak. I basically treated her like we’d never met before, and shit, did I now wish that was true. I was swallowed up by a sea of fans so she couldn’t even get close and then finally, finally, they all got ushered out of the room. Alice hung back and was one of the last to leave, but I ignored her, beyond furious.
As soon as they’d gone, I whipped the cell from my pocket and called Anna again as I ran to the exit doors out the back. This time, she picked up.
“Where are you? I’m coming out to the parking lot,” I told her earnestly.
She sighed. “Don’t. I’ll come back in. I’m not your girlfriend, you don’t belong to me I just—I just want to hear what you’ve got to say. I want you to make me feel better than I do right now.”
I leaned against the wall, relieved. “I’ll try. Let’s talk about it. I’ll wait in my room.” She hung up without a goodbye and I pulled on my hair, wanting really to punch myself in the face. How on earth was I going to get out of this one? She knew the story and I wasn’t going to lie to her about it. I thought back to Jon’s lecture and how much I agreed with it—this would end in tears, he’d said. It would never work out, and I knew he was right, but I had been banking on a bit more time with her first. I wanted it, I needed it, and I thought that I’d get her out of my system before it all broke down. She was not out of my system yet, by a long shot. And I didn’t want it to end like this. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
I paced my dressing room, turning the main light off and leaving the room only to be illuminated by the actor bulbs around the mirror. It gave a warmer feel, less glaring. I sort of wanted a little darkness to hide my face. I didn’t know what tack I was going to take. Anna was right, she wasn’t my girlfriend and had no exclusivity rights to me, but I didn’t want to come across as defensive. That would take me out of the running for anything to happen in the future and Jon’s words came to me again. I had to try to remember that I couldn’t put myself through any more. I was only just getting my shit back together.
I heard the click of the door opening and watched her slink inside. She looked beautiful, a broken butterfly. I couldn’t tell if she’d been crying, but her shoulders were hunched forward and her head low. She was like the Anna I’d known when I’d first met Becky, and I hated myself for taking her spark away.
“I don’t know what to say, Anna. I want to try to make things better, but the fact of the matter is, I did sleep with that girl.” So that was my tack. I surprised myself by opting for the brutal truth. Once I’d started, I figured I may as well give her both barrels. A true test. If she saw who I really was—who Nate Sullivan really was—and could deal with it, then perhaps I could allow myself some new hope.
“I’m a horrible person. I’m angry at the entire world and I don’t know why. I sometimes hate people who are closest to me. I hate myself. I haven’t got the faintest idea who I am or what I want, and every time something good happens, I purposely sabotage it so that it can’t get to me. Apart from the band. I’ve kept the band and it’s the only thing I’ve got in this whole world. I’ve been fucked over and used and I can’t take it anymore. Whenever I let someone get close, they let me down. No one likes me for who I really am.” I stopped. I’d gone way, way too far. Once the words had started tumbling out, I couldn’t hold them back. I’d sounded like some whining bitch with first world problems, but it was the first time anything that personal had come from me to another person. I was stunned into momentary silence.
Anna was still standing by the door, her hands clasped in front of her, the soft glow from the bulbs making her eyes look as black as night, pools of infinity.
“I like you for who you are,” she eventually said.
“You don’t know me, Anna,” I said evenly. “You like me for the person you think I am. Believe me, if you really knew me, you would not be here right now. I am selfish. I’m cold.”
“No.” She slowly moved toward me and looked me right in the eyes. “I like you for the person I know you are. Inside. I can see you. I can see who you are and I’m telling you—I like you.”
I bent my head, unable to match her gaze. I truly felt as though she were looking right into my very soul and it was unnerving. Despite her insistence, I wasn’t sure that it would have been a pretty sight. But she had gotten in, she had broken in, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get her out.
“I lied to you. I can’t make you any promises, through my actions or through my words. I don’t think I know how. I acted impulsively with that fan—” I used her as armor.
I thought sleeping with someone else would protect me from falling for you. I did it again a few days ago. I’ll probably do it again in the future. I’ve got no self-control. I’m too afraid of being alone. I will hurt you before you get the chance to hurt me
. The words wouldn’t come out; she already saw too much and I thought they may be a step too far in the honesty stakes. I wasn’t going to stand here and run myself into the ground. I still had some pride. I still wanted her to want me, and that meant omitting some small details.
“Jon thinks we should just have some fun and leave it there. He said it would end in tears. I think he’s right. I can’t give you what you deserve. I can’t be the person you want me to be.” I kept my gaze on the floor.
“You saying that means that you are the person I want you to be. You’re being honest and that’s all I need. I think Jon’s got a point. Why don’t we just have some fun? As soon as one of us starts not having fun, we say so.”
I wondered if she meant it. I wondered if
I
meant it as I agreed with her. The problem was, I was already not having fun. I was already in turmoil, already doubting, and had been from the get go. But I wanted to be with her. I didn’t know if I could change, I didn’t know if eventually I would be able to tell her the things I’d not been able to today. Our agreement started on a lie. It was just how I operated. But as she leaned forward and kissed me, I decided that this was a lie worth telling.