Authors: Elizabeth Nelson
“What are you up to tonight honey?” Becky asked me as I spooned pasta into my mouth. I used chewing as an excuse to find a decent answer, I didn’t want to lie to her, but as I hardly ever went out, I’d have to think of something believable. I choked as I tried to get rid of my food, my throat constricting with guilt.
“Erm. . .” It was no good. I came clean. “I’m actually going to the Chance show.” I raised my eyes slowly to assess her reaction. It was not good. She slammed the glass of water she’d been holding onto the kitchen table opposite me. I flinched and braced myself.
“I’m sorry. You what?” Her voice was dangerously calm and I knew she was bubbling. I had very good experience in detecting outbursts from people.
“A girl from work had a spare ticket and asked me to go. It’s not like I’m going to see him.” The lie fell out of my mouth without me even preparing it. Perhaps I was better at this than I’d thought. Becky exhaled slowly, I could see the blue in her irises darken as she smoothed her white-blonde hair. We couldn’t have looked more opposite if we tried, with her all-American pinkness contrasting to my olive tan.
“I can’t believe you would even consider going. You know what that man put me through. I wouldn’t go and meet up with Pete—I couldn’t even bear to look at him after the way he treated you. How could you do this?”
“Becks.” I stood up from my pasta and walked round the table to drape an arm over her shoulder. “I’m just going to watch the show. They’re regular seats, I’m not going to talk to him or be anywhere near him. I won’t mention it when I come home and that will be that. What are your plans?” I was impressed with how convincing I sounded, and sickened at being such a deceitful friend. I would see Nate tonight, and then that was it, I promised myself. He could move on with his tour and I would never have to lie to Becky again. She sniffed and thought for a moment.
“Okay, I guess I was over-reacting. Jason’s coming over tonight anyway, I was gonna ask if you could make yourself scarce, if you didn’t mind? I’m gonna cook, I’ll save you some in the fridge for tomorrow if you’d like?”
I was horrified that Becky was now the one feeling bad for asking me to disappear. She had been seeing Jason for the last six months, and it had gotten pretty serious pretty quickly. He was an accountant at a large firm in town—polite and amicable enough, and quite cute, but as dull as a piece of cardboard if you asked me. Dependable, safe—all the things Becky had been craving. All the things I was running from. But she seemed happy. The last thing I wanted was to ruin that for her.
“No, don’t worry. I was gonna get take-out tomorrow, anyway. You guys enjoy. I’ll be out of your way in half an hour.” I gave her a hug before sitting down to try and finish a meal I no longer had the appetite for.
I was nervous as I walked past the long queue of noisy Chance fans on my own. This was a big step for me, finding the confidence to go out alone, and I was mindful of its significance. A few of the girls in the line shouted to me as I reached the closed front doors and approached the burly security guarding them. Most of the yells were annoyed cries of unfairness as I gave my name and showed I.D, then had the doors opened for me. The insults bounced right off, I felt smug and special at being allowed into a place where so many people wanted to be. I remembered how great it had been back in the days I used to come with Becky, being on my own had not taken the shine off that.
I was early and the huge auditorium looked vast and cavernous—empty seats as far up as the eye could see. The odd twang of a guitar boomed out across the many speakers and there was a bustle near the stage as roadies and technicians made their final checks. I smiled at the guy on the sound desk as I made my way to the front. He seemed to recognize me and he smiled and waved cheerfully from his protected podium.
“Anna!” I heard someone call from the stage. It was Rob, Chance’s stage manager. He sheltered his eyes from the lights and motioned for me to come over. I weaved through the barrier a couple of feet from the stage and grinned up at him.
“Hey you.” He dangled his arm down and pulled me ungracefully onto the stage. “Good to see you again, it’s been a long time. How come you didn’t use the backstage door?”
I was momentarily breathless as I looked out across the venue—how could the guys look so comfortable up here with all those seats occupied? I felt scared even though it was still empty.
“Too many fans, I couldn’t even get close,” I explained, bringing my mind back to focus. “I swear they’re more ferocious than last year.”
“Yep. Nate and the boys attract some passionate groupies, that’s for sure.” He laughed softly. “Come on, I’ll take you backstage and find them for you.” A few familiar faces said hello as we entered the damp smelling dusk of the wings. The backstage corridor was tatty and long. Rob led me to a large room right at the bottom, where a few people were hanging out, swigging coffee from cardboard cups and leaning on various bits of equipment. Two young children zoomed past my feet and I beamed as I saw Marissa, the bass player’s wife, calling out to them to calm down. Rob, satisfied that I was going to be looked after, left me to it.
I was pleased to see Marissa, and as we caught up, Jon came over and gave me a warm hug hello.
“I think Nate’s on his way down.” His expression was serious. “He’s not been doing so great, Anna. Please don’t bring up the past for him.”
“I won’t. I’m just here to catch up and say goodbye really. The split tore them both apart by the sounds of it. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to stay friends with him.”
“That’s sad, but actually I think that’s probably the most helpful thing to do. He’s finding it hard to move on and I don’t think constant reminders will help. Make sure you come and say bye to me after the show.” He gave me a sorrowful smile. “It’s nice to see you. I’m sorry it’ll be the last time.”
Marissa rubbed my arm comfortingly. I saw Nate arrive from the back of the room, his long legs cloaked with his trademark leather trousers. His dark hair had been styled into a messy, disheveled mop which suited him. Stubble coated his jaw, I wasn’t sure whether it was designer or lack of care. He did not speak as he wrapped his arms around me. I let him hold me for as long as he needed, trying to ignore the whispers from others in the room as he hit the three minute mark.
“I’m glad you came,” he whispered into my hair as he finally let go. Before any more words could be exchanged, Rob shouted into the throng of people.
“The support’s about to go on. Thirty minutes guys.”
“I gotta go and get ready.” Nate gave me the first genuine smile I’d seen from him. “I really am glad you’re here. I’ll meet you after, okay? Enjoy the show.” He winked at me before heading down the corridor and I could not help but feel relief at seeing that the old Nate was still in there, somewhere.
The show was phenomenal. If Nate was suffering inside, he did not show any cracks while he performed his heart out. I stood with Marissa and the kids at the side of the stage and we whooped and sang along with the boys. The ice in my heart thawed slightly in that hour and a half, I got a taste of happiness for a short time. It made my lie to Becky almost worthwhile.
It seemed as though Nate had experienced some happiness too, he was covered in a sheen of sweat as he bounded off stage, but there was a light in his eyes. It was a light I remembered well. He went to pick me up straight after, but I batted him off.
“Ugh, you’re all wet. Nate, seriously, you were amazing, you all sounded amazing.”
“Ah, stoppit.” His turn to bat me away, but there was a curve on his lips. “I’m gonna take a quick shower, then what do you say me and you go for a drink?”
I hesitated, but I wasn’t ready to go home and watch Becky and Mr. Boring get cozy, I wanted to carry on enjoying myself. Plus, this would be the last time I’d ever see Nate, so it would be nice to have a decent send off.
I hung out with the other guys while I waited. Mikey slapped me on the butt and told me I was looking hot. Jon left and I said an emotional goodbye to him and his family. One by one, people started to thin out of the room.
“Jesus, you take as long in the shower as a girl,” I teased Nate when he eventually emerged. I was pleased to see that he still looked happy and he gave me a cheeky grin.
“Can’t go embarrassing my companion for the evening by looking like a mess, can I?”
“You know this isn’t a date, right?” I needed to check that we were on the same page. “These are farewell drinks, Nate.”
Nate shook his head. “I know it’s not a date, Anna. I was just kidding.” He spoke quietly, hurt.
“Sorry. Forget I said anything. Come on, you’ve made me wait long enough, buy me wine.”
We went to Nate’s hotel room and ordered a bottle of red on room service. Going out anywhere with him could be a nightmare—his chiseled features and piercing eyes were too recognizable and we’d have been hounded by fans all night. I also couldn’t take the risk of being snapped with him after what I’d promised Becky. There were a couple of plush armchairs in Nate’s room that we sank into after chinking glasses together.
“Everyone’s worried about you. Your drinking. Your behavior. They think you’re on the brink of a meltdown.” I bought up the elephant in the room right away.
“I was worried about me. I haven’t been coping well. And yeah, I guess I’ve been doing a lot of drinking.” He leaned forward. “Last night, I started to feel different. Better. I think seeing you reminded me of the real memories of me and Becks, not just the rose tinted ones I’d adapted as an excuse for my own agony.” He sat back. “The fact is, she put me in a really hard position—gave me an impossible decision to make—and in the end, was actually a massive bitch. I loved her. I miss her. But I’d forgotten how much I disliked her until now.”
I frowned, I knew there were complications and lots of fights at the end of their relationship, I was witness to the months of screaming and tears, but I wasn’t aware of Becky making things hard for Nate or giving him ultimatums. I wanted to question him but he got there before me.
“I don’t want to go over it anymore. Let’s just have some fun and finish our friendship in style.” He picked up the phone and ordered more wine.
It was as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I knew it wasn’t just from the drink. Anna was great to be around, she didn’t take herself, or anything, too seriously and I laughed more than I’d laughed the whole year put together.
We put a music channel on in the background and danced around the room, giggling and stumbling. I felt silly and happy and completely able to be myself. Breathless, I bent over and rested my hands on my knees while Anna carried on spinning and doing the running man with chicken wings. A few seconds passed before I realized that I wasn’t just watching, I was transfixed. Her curves undulated to the track. She wasn’t trying to be sexy, she just was—it came from the very core of her. Her black silk hair swung around her shoulders, the exposed skin, milk chocolate and glistening. She spun to face me and stopped dead.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” she asked, worried.
I stood. Suddenly, my heart was pounding. I swallowed, certain she could hear its beat.
“Nothing. Nothing, carry on with your chicken dance.” I tried to make my tone light, but I knew she could feel the change in atmosphere. She stood, baffled, while I tried everything I could to suppress the rush of affection from building, from even being in existence. I don’t know what came over me then; my body took me over completely and I walked up to her and placed both of my palms onto her satin cheeks. She was so petite and delicate, I was afraid to touch her for fear she would break. She froze and looked up to my face questioningly. I was consumed. Totally, utterly consumed. Before I could think, before my head could rule my heart, I bent down and kissed her.
There was a split second where our lips met and electricity shot up and down my spine. I moved my hands into her hair but then felt a hard shove against my chest. We broke apart, both panting. She wiped her lips with the back of her hand, as if trying to rub me off.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing Nate?” Her eyes were ablaze as she shouted. There was no mistaking her fury as I realized with dread that I had read the situation very, very wrong.
“I thought. . .I just thought it seemed right,” I stammered, not knowing what to say. I was annoyed with myself for having ruined what had been a really great evening.
“God, you’re such an idiot. You can’t just kiss me—I’m not some groupie, I’m your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Have you got no control over yourself? What did you think would happen?” She gathered up her jacket and bag. “I’m going. Thanks for a good time—up until now. Have a nice life, Nate.”
I couldn’t find words and just gaped at Anna as she left the room. I sat on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands. I don’t know what had come over me, I hadn’t felt a pull that strong, not ever—not even when I first met Becky.
I reminisced about that time, as that was the same moment I’d met Anna. They were friends with our stand-in drummer when Mikey was sick, and were backstage for a few shows. I noticed Becky immediately—she was a head turner with her long legs, blond hair and big blue eyes—but my memory of Anna was more fuzzy. She had seemed shy, even after I’d gotten together with Becks and had been hanging around for a while. She never warmed to me, or so I’d thought. She was always serious, a bit jumpy and quiet. A million miles away from the girl who had been in this room with me. It was as though she had emerged from her chrysalis; a beautiful, vivacious breath of fresh air.
I considered the evolution of Anna, and then tried to move on to other things. But I picked up her glass and found myself running my thumb along the faint smear of lip gloss imprinted on the side. Oh good God. I couldn’t get her out of my head. From the moment I saw her, before we’d even gone on stage, I’d felt something. I hadn’t wanted to let go when we hugged backstage. I could have stayed there longer, but I’d seen the peculiar looks we had attracted. How was I falling for a girl I had known for almost two years without a single drop of desire?
I picked up my phone. My mind would not let it go and I didn’t want to live in regret. I had to check how she felt. Connections like this were rare—I had met enough females to know that—and I didn’t want it to simply pass by. It could have just been that single minute, it could have been the wine, it could have been the dancing. But I had to know. For I was sure, more than I was sure about my feelings, that for one second, she had kissed me back. How can two people create that sort of spark if just one person is giving it off?
I gave in and stabbed her a message from my cell. I had the next day off and there was no question as to who I wanted to spend it with. I jiggled my leg nervously as I tried not to look at my phone. Within five minutes, there was a vibration and I snatched up the device to read her reply. It was perfunctory, to say the least, and not terribly polite, but there was something almost too defensive about it. Maybe I was being overly optimistic but I could sense. . .something. As I lay back onto my bed I thought only of her face. Her smile. For the first time in a year, I slept soundly through the entire night.
When Mikey knocked the next day, I was already up and showered. He didn’t try to hide the surprise when he saw my freshness.
“Had a good night, did we?” he asked, accusation in his tone. I was bright enough to know not to reveal anything.
“Yeah, it was fun. Good to see Anna. She left early and I had a decent sleep, for once.”
Satisfied that I had covered all bases for any further questioning, we headed down to the hotel restaurant for lunch.
“Okay. What’s going on?” Mikey put down his fork and crossed his arms on the table.
“What are you talking about?” I shrugged.
“You have not stopped checking your phone. You must’ve looked at it a thousand times. You’re picking at your food like an anorexic. So I’ll ask you again. What’s going on? Who’s the girl?”
I snatched my phone from next to me and slipped it into my pocket out of the way. I hadn’t heard a thing Mikey had said until then—Anna was on my mind every other second, I just couldn’t concentrate.
“Sorry. I’m being rude. Nothing’s going on. I swear. I don’t know why I’m checking my phone. Habit?” I said feebly, knowing it was a poor reason.
“You better not be hooking back up with Becky. That girl screwed you over and doesn’t deserve a second chance.”
I shook my head vigorously, grateful for not having to lie.
“I can assure you Mikey, me and Becky are never getting back together.” He raised his eyebrows at me, skeptical and bemused at my odd behavior, but was easily distracted by questions about his own escapades from the previous night—which were far more X-rated than mine had been. I told him I felt like chilling in my room and having a lazy day. I was shattered—constant drinking and insomnia hit me harder on days off and I was looking forward to daydreaming of Anna. As I flipped the silent phone over and over in my hand, an idea formed in my mind.
At two in the morning, I wrapped up and made my way out of the hotel, walking the path I had a couple of mornings ago when I had bumped into Anna. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, wondering if she was doing the same, wondering if this was all in my head—a mental attempt at feeling alive again. No one had really seemed to understand the grief that had accompanied the break up with Becky. Sure, they were sympathetic about the events, Jon the most. But no one really got the sense of loss, the hole in the pit of my stomach. Meeting Anna again, it was like a balm. I physically felt that hole start to close over, to start healing, as so many had said it would.
Getting closer to her street, I slowed to a snail’s pace. I looked up and down the road. It was devoid of life. The air was freezing, the wind still. I made a deal with myself, if she wasn’t here by the time I reached the corner, I’d head back and forget all about it. But I’d try harder to get things together - drink less, sleep more. Concentrate on the band.
Although my steps were tiny, I couldn’t move any slower than I already was and I reached the corner more quickly than I’d have liked. I stopped there for a bit, looking up and down the adjacent streets. Nothing. I lowered my head and let out a loud sigh. This had been a stupid idea. Perhaps I was losing it? I twisted back round, glancing around for the last time. As I made to step away, I saw a shape in the distance, just rounding the corner of the street I’d come from. My breath caught as I stared. It had to be her. As she got closer, I could make out the hourglass of her figure even underneath a thick coat. I wasn’t positive enough to move, so I hovered ominously underneath the streetlamp.
“Nate?” she called out to me as she stepped ever nearer and my heart leapt. I lifted to the balls of my feet and jogged to her.
“Anna.” I was too afraid to reach out to her, so I kept my fists in balls by my side, waiting for her to make the first move this time.
“Nate, what—are you turning into some sort of stalker? This used to be a decent neighborhood you know.” The smile in her eyes was all the affirmation I needed.
“I’m sorry for pushing it last night. I ruined things, I know.” I bit my lip to stop myself talking. I wasn’t about to make an idiot of myself for the second time.
“You are such a douche bag. This is ridiculous. This,” she gestured into the night, “is ridiculous. I don’t know what alcohol induced fantasy you’re playing out, but me and you can never be. No matter how many times you meet me in the middle of the night, no matter how—”
I waited for her to finish the sentence. She was just about to say no matter how we feel, I was sure of it. There was a long silence as I weighed up my next move. Anna didn’t move. If she didn’t want me, surely she would have just walked away by now? Acting purely on instinct, I dipped my head and searched her face, wordlessly asking if it was okay. She slowly blinked but didn’t pull away and I moved forward, gently caressing her lips with mine. She was tentative in her response at first, and then she grabbed handfuls of my hair, kissing me back with absolute passion, and all hell broke loose in my head.