Yesterday's Heroes (Consortium of Chaos Book 1) (38 page)

Sagassum crossed his arms over his
chest.  “It WOULD happen if Accounting would just give me the funding I require.”
His eyes narrowed, and he glared at Marian.  “But THAT cruel harpy thwarts my
every application.”

She didn’t look up from her report. 
“Your request for funds has been denied due to both the unlikely chances of
your plan succeeding, and because you did not include the methodology you would
be employing to raise such a fish-army.  If you desire to appeal my decision on
the matter, I have the appropriate forms in my briefcase, and wish you the best
of luck at the hearing.”

Cynic turned his attention back to
the group.  “Us HUMANS on the other hand…and maybe Julian the sea monkey over
there, I’m not sure…But probably
not
Meg ‘cause I don’t even know
WHAT
the
hell she is…”  His eyes looked over at Megaris in sudden fear of being
attacked.  “…Besides being
perfect
, and an utter source of life-altering
inspiration for me, on both a personal
and
professional level.”  He
waved at her.  “You’re awesome, Meg…please don’t kill us all…”

She ignored him and continued
watching her cookie man like it was speaking to her.

Cynic continued his original
thought.  “…But the rest of us FEEL stuff.  I mean, don’t even THINK I haven’t
seen the way Emily looks at me.”  He turned back to Enmity.  “Admit it, Em; you’ve
been checking out my package for years now.”  His pointed to his crouch.  “Go
ahead.  Stare all you want, baby.  I don’t mind.  Drink it in.”

She didn’t even turn to look at
him.  She simply flicked him off with one finger, and then went back to filing
her nails.

Amy decided to get off of the
subject.  “Oh, wait!  I know!  Instead of
that
, we could make something
for the group!  Oh, oh!  A quilt of our emblem to hang on the wall over there
would be just
lovely!
  That would be ever so fun!”

Emily groaned over a lifetime of
annoyance with her identical twin’s perpetual pleasantness.  “I
still
say
you were adopted.  There’s no WAY we can
actually
be related.”

Amy simply smiled at her sweetly,
which only seemed to anger Emily more.

Vaudeville didn’t bother to put
down his copy of TV guide.  “Dear diary, can you believe it’s evidentially orgy
day, already?  Seems to come sooner every year, no pun intended.  What an
embarrassing
day to be caught wearing my Freedom Squad boxers though.  XOXO, Cory.  PS,
remember to buy a toaster as a gift for Harlot and Wyatt’s un-wedding.”  

Harlot glared at him.  “Please
don’t encourage Cynic, Cory.  I know you think it’s funny, but it’s not.”  She
paused.  “And I don’t need a toaster…We want a blender.”

Cynic glared at the group.  “You all
just need to grow up and expand your horizons.  Besides, who says that men even
have to be involved?  This is about
female empowerment! 
Who even NEEDS
men! 
Yeah!
  Maybe Holly and Undercurrent could go at it at Wyatt’s
party or something.”

Wyatt held up his hands.  “Whoa,
whoa.  It’s not my party.” 

Cynic ignored him.  “That’s the
thing about the party plan!  Whatever we can imagine!  Group, single, gay,
straight or roleplaying.  You don’t know
WHAT’S
going to happen at
Wyatt’s party!”

Guilt Trip stared at him for a
second, and then reached into his pocket.  “Here is my card, Steven.”  He
gently placed the slip of paper into Cynic’s palm, a look of concern on his
face.  “My office hours are 11:00 to 2:00.  Please call me.  I really think you
would benefit from some counseling, and…”

KillerWatt whipped his head around
to glare at Wyatt.  “What’d you say about my sister, asshole?”

Wyatt looked almost too shocked to
speak.  “ME!?!  I didn’t say anything!  I’m just sitting here trying to have a meeting! 
I have nothing to do with Cynic’s plan.”

Cynic rolled his eyes at the other
man and took on a longsuffering tone, as if Killian was being
entirely
unreasonable, and they’d been over this a dozen times before, and he was bored
with trying to explain it.  “The girl’s a sexual being,
Killian
.”  His
tone seemed to imply that the event was all but a certainty at this point.  “You
can’t shelter her forever.  She has her own life to live, and if Wyatt wants to
pay her to strip naked for him and shake what she’s got, you can’t stand in the
way of her dreams.”

Killian was out of his chair.  “Fucking-A
I want to shelter her from your new plan!  She is NOT going to perform with
Holly in the middle of the goddamn conference table! 
She’s 19! 
She’s a
villain, not a goddamn prostitute!  Shut your mouth, or I’ll shut it for you!”

Stacy frowned at her brother in
confusion.  “What do you mean?  I’m not a villain; I’m a
hero
.”

Gurrier slowly put down his
carving, and stared at Wyatt.  “If you go
near
her, I
will
kill
you.”

Wyatt opened his mouth to protest
again, but was cut off by Vagrant, who looked up from his paper and nodded.  “That
does
sound like interesting performance art.  I fear that Holly and
Stacy’s styles would clash though.  Perhaps Stacy could be convinced to dress
as a reindeer or similar character for the act itself, so that she would match
Holly’s holiday theme.”  He pursed his lips in consideration.  “Then we’d only
need someone to dress as a snowman…”

It was impossible to tell if
Vagrant was serious about his enthusiasm for the plan or was merely mocking
Cynic.  It was always difficult to know with him.

Wyatt turned to Harlot.  “What do
you say, Angel?  You want to get in on that show too?  You’d make a hell of a
sexy little snowman.  It
IS
my bachelor party after all, and I can’t
think of anyone I’d rather see naked than you.  Maybe a
private
dance…”

She smacked him in the back of the
head, and he started laughing.

Enmity continued working on her
nails.  “Amy’s all pilgrim and Thanksgiving-y.  She’ll match the theme of your
show.  I’ll rent her to you if I don’t have to work in the kitchen anymore.”

Undercurrent ignored them and scowled
in indignation at the idea of the planned performance.  “Hey!  That’s not
fair!  Why do I have to dress to match Holly’s theme!  She should have to
change her outfit to match
MINE!  Unfair.
”  She crossed her arms over
her chest and pouted.  “I don’t
want
to be a little reindeer at Wyatt’s
party.”

Wyatt pinched the bridge of his
nose.  “It’s.  Not.  My. 
Party
.  Okay?  I refuse to be associated with
this plan.”

Tyrant made a distasteful face.  “I
have no desire to see a scrawny child be molested by a whore dressed as Santa
Claus, no matter her attire.  The very idea is
revolting,
and I am
embarrassed that I even have to listen to these
perversions.
”  He turned
to glare at Wyatt.  “You should be
ashamed
of yourself, Ferral.  This is
a new low, even for you.”

“HEY!”  Stacy frowned at him.  “I’m
not scrawny!  I’m
petite!
”

Pastiche pressed a button on her
electronic Hello Kitty watch.  “Aaaaaand eleven minutes and twenty-three
seconds.  That’s how long it took THIS time for you guys to go from the start
of a meeting, to discussing turning this place into a sex club.”  She nodded. 
“Congrats, people.  That could be a new record.  We could be talking about how
we just achieved world domination, and I
GAURAN-DAMN-TEE
that during
that meeting, I’d have to listen to your idiot depraved ideas, another pitch
from Julian on his fish-person plan, and Librarian lecturing us on how to fill
out the
2305(a)(2) World Domination Achievement
form correctly.  Jesus,
why do I even
come
to these things anymore?  And you’re the worst of all,
Steven.  You need to grow up and contribute something positive to this
organization.”

Cynic’s voice rose in indignation. 
“What’s THAT supposed to mean?  Shit, I’m the fucking
GIVING TREE
to you
ungrateful motherfuckers!  I hack off my arms so that you can build your gay
little boats and shit.”

Blackguard looked introspective for
a moment.  “I had a gay little boat once.”  He mused.  “Then I traded it in on
a BIG gay boat, and I’ve been much happier.  Size matters, people.”

Cynic ignored him.  “I give
everything
to you guys!  Here I am trying to plan a party for the New Guy, who no one even
likes, and how am I thanked?  I get yelled out.”

Wyatt frowned.  “But I don’t want a
party!  Besides, you just said I wasn’t even
invited!”

  “It’s in your
honor
though! 
And you’ll be there in
spirit
.  Best I can do.  Hell, where would you
all be if I wasn’t here, huh!?!”

Stacy glared at him, still
obviously pouting.  “Well, I wouldn’t have to dress as a
reindeer
, for
one.”

He looked at her like hers was the
cruelest cut of all.  “Hey, I’M not the one who told you that you needed a
costume!  You can blame that on that sexist pig
Preston
over there. 
I
wanted you to take your fucking clothes OFF, not put more
ON!
  That
defeats the whole purpose of…”

The Mortician raised his hand
cutting him off.  “Are we goooing to have an actual meeting here, ooor what?  Because
I’ll just gooo back tooo my lab.”

“Shut up, Danny.”  Cynic’s tone
seemed to imply that Danny just would stop talking.  “We’re discussing
important shit here.  We need to pretend that we actually like this asshole so
that Harlot isn’t sad, which means we need to have a party, get drunk and watch
naked coworkers fucking.  What’s so hard to understand about that?  Hey, call
Hearse for me.  Now THERE’S a twisted little fucker who would get what I’m
saying!”

Tyrant glared at him.  “I for one
understand
perfectly
what you are saying, and that is why I now think
even LESS of you than I did before, if such a thing were possible.  I will not
attend any social function to honor that absurd fool.”  He gestured to Wyatt. 
“LEAST of all any social function planned by
you
.”

 Wyatt put his face in his hands. 
“Again,
not my party
.”

Tyrant ignored him and remained
focused on Cynic.  “There is nothing sadder than a clown whom no one finds
amusing.  Your words are upsetting my hostage. 
Sit.  Down.”

Cynic absently waved a hand at him
in dismissal.  “Oh, blow me, Kass.  You say one more goddamn word to me, and
the NEXT thing your hostage is going to be upset about, is suddenly having a
great view of your colon, as I stick that cage of yours right up your ass like
a fucking
suppository
.”

Tyrant slowly got to his feet to
confront Cynic, and Harlot winced.  THIS was going to be bad...

Then everyone stopped as
The Thief
of Dreams
stood up; the dark mist surrounding him rolling out towards the
other chairs.  The room quieted to hear what he had to say.  His spooky unblinking
black shark eyes stared out over them.  “
Moonlight on a river.  A mirror
shatters
.”  He sat back down.  “
And then
…
only Silence
.”

Holly’s smile grew.  “See?  TOD
agrees with me.”

Cynic looked confused.  “Agrees
with you about what?”

“About what I was saying.”

He laughed at her apparent idiocy. 
“Honey, that was like five minutes ago; I’m on to something new now.  I don’t even
fucking
remember
what you were saying!”

Librarian started addressing
another envelope.  “You were contending that all of the women here were
basically exotic dancers and/or prostitutes…with the exception of me, because I
am a frigid lesbian, and Megaris, because she frightens you too much to think
of her as a sexual being.  Holly said that the women here were worthy of being
treated with respect, and you apparently disagree.”

“Thanks, Sweets!”  Cynic looked
momentarily contrite.  “…Sorry I said you were frigid.  That was wrong of me,
and I apologize.  I know you’re probably real sensitive about it and all.  But
you’re not a bad looking chick once you get passed that annoying brainy shit of
yours.  Tell you what, you can be my date to Wyatt’s party.”

Wyatt threw his hands in the air as
if praying for patience.  “It’s not my party! 
Please stop calling it that!”

Harlot laughed.  There was
something so cute about how seriously he was taking all of this.  It was just a
meeting.  It didn’t actually mean anything.

Cynic ignored Wyatt completely and
continued talking to Marian.  “How’s that sound?  Maybe we could even take the
stage after Stacy and Holly are done.  Wardrobe notwithstanding, I’ve always
got the sense that when the lights go down, you can party like a
motherfucker
when you want to
. 
I’m talking you and me doing all the real twisted
shit, you know?  Things that are still
illegal.
”

She calmly put a stamp on her envelope. 
“Your comments are a violation of company policy, and a report will be filed
with management.”

 “Yeah, good luck with that.”  He
rolled his eyes.  “The HR department is a little busy right now trying to kill
the Department of Animals and Monsters, because it said the Weapons Department
has a nice rack.  …Which it
DOES
, so HR is being completely unreasonable,
as usual.”

Megaris continued staring down at
her cookie.  “…This sugar man fears the darkness which his inevitable
consumption will bring.  He sheds tears of icing…”

Holly ignored her.  “Well, if
you’re so open-minded and want random sex so much, Steven, how about this; I’ll
screw Stacy the same day you let Wyatt screw you?  Huh?  That’s fair?”

Wyatt threw his arms wide in exasperation. 
“Now I’m the
entertainment
at my own party!?! 
What the hell!?!”