My jaw
clenched. He was treating me like an idiot. “Trust me, I do see the difference.
That kiss is looking like it might cost me a close friend, and that’s very
disappointing.” I paused to let that sink in. “Like I said, I don’t want
anything to change between us. But it seems like you won’t let that happen.”
He kicked
a small rock on the ground, sending it tumbling in the distance. “I don’t get
it. What’s the matter with you? I’m spilling my guts here and you’re turning to
stone.”
“You might
say ‘those girls’ mean nothing to you, but at least you respect ‘those girls’
enough to be upfront about the arrangement,” I snapped. “Frankly, the longer
this conversation goes on, the more I feel like you’ve just been biding your
time waiting for things to become romantic between us. Did you ever even want
to be friends?”
“Lorrie,
come on,” he said with a sigh. “I was totally cool with being friends. But I
like you. You’re different. I know you like hanging out with me, and last night
shows you’re definitely more than just attracted to me. So now I can’t
understand why you’re denying your feelings. Especially when I’m being upfront
with mine.”
“Here are
my feelings,” I said, my fists balled up in frustration. “I don’t want to be in
a romantic relationship with you, and I wish you would respect that. Maybe I
got confused because we spend too much time together, and it was Valentine’s
Day, and I was caught off guard. I don’t know, but it won’t happen again.”
“Lorrie—”
“Hunter,
stop. I’m sorry, but we can’t. I told you before and I’m telling you again: I’m
not ready. Maybe we shouldn’t be spending so much time together. It seems like
things are getting confused.”
“We need
to spend
more
time together.”
I looked
into his gray eyes. “You’re willing to jeopardize our friendship for a chance
at a relationship?”
His eyes
became big and round. “We can be friends
and
in a relationship, Lorrie.
We can have it all.”
“No,” I
said, pursing my lips, my heart thumping in my chest. “I can’t do that. I
really think we should have some distance.”
He looked
at me carefully before standing up. “Fine,” he said. “You want to spend time
apart. That’s what we’ll do.”
He turned
and walked away. Halfway to the corner of the Social Sciences Building, he
kicked a trash can over in anger. Empty bottles and cans tumbled across the
ground.
My stomach
churned as I watched him turn the corner out of sight. When I was sure he was
gone, I took out the sketch I had been working on and uncrumpled it. The eyes
were all wrong. I had drawn them sharp like they were when he was fighting, but
I knew there was also a softer side to him. A vulnerable side.
I looked
at the box of chocolates and rose in my lap. Sighing, I put the box in my bag
to share with Daniela—no sense in wasting perfectly good chocolate —and left
the rose on the bench. Once I packed up, I got up from the bench and fixed the
trash can that Hunter knocked over. Then I crumpled up the sketch again, threw
it in the trash, and went to my next class.
THE
STUNNER
I spent the next few days
praying I wouldn’t see Hunter. Every time my phone jingled its reminder to feed
the kittens, I had a mild panic attack. When I would go to his apartment, I
would check the windows to see if his lights were on or if I could see some
other sign he was home, but he never was. The most I heard from him was the
notes he left on the whiteboard above the kittens’ bed: “need to get formula”
or “Bones wouldn’t eat make sure he gets enough” or “has Georgia been sleepy
for you too?”
He was
giving me time apart, that was for sure. The more I didn’t see him, the more I
wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted. I had dreamed about kissing him twice in
four days, each time waking up with an annoying ache between my legs and my
lips pressed against my pillow.
The
situation was on my mind as I walked into the dining hall with Daniela on
Thursday night. All I had was swimming on Fridays, so this was practically the
beginning of my weekend. That meant I should’ve been happy, like a normal
college student when the weekend rolled around. Instead I was a nervous wreck.
All I could think about was whether I would run into Hunter over the weekend.
“Hey,
cheer up!” Daniela said as we stood in line for the cafeteria. “Let’s go out
this weekend and do something fun. Go to a house party or something.”
I
shrugged. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Lorrie, I
know you’re trying to give it time because you guys said you’d give each other
space, but you’ve been really bummed out the past few days. If it’s really
bothering you, you should talk to him again. From what you told me, it sounds
like he would want that.”
Maybe she
was right. I didn’t want to admit it, but maybe it was time to admit my
feelings for Hunter were more than platonic. No matter how hard I tried, I
couldn’t get him out of my mind.
We handed
our student IDs to the cashier to allow her to scan them, took our trays, and
got in line for food. The Barnyard was serving chicken broccoli bake, an
Arrowhart favorite. Once we got our food, we searched for a place to sit. The
cafeteria was buzzing with excitement for the approaching weekend. All around
us I heard people making plans, gossiping, complaining about the upcoming
midterms, and generally getting ready to relax for a couple days. It was then
that I saw Hunter on the other side of the cafeteria.
He was
sitting at a table and talking to a girl with shoulder length blonde hair and a
perfect tan despite the lack of sun in winter. Her black coat hanging on the
back of her chair, she was wearing a lilac colored cotton tank top that showed
off her ample breasts, and looked
very
comfortable with Hunter.
They were
eating off of one plate. I felt sick as I watched her lean over and whisper
into his ear, tracing her fingers along the muscles under his tight-fitting
navy t-shirt. He looked over at her and smiled, making suggestive movements
toward her lips with a peeled banana in his hand. She playfully slapped his arm
but then lunged for the banana with her mouth, taking a bite. He laughed and
took a bite himself. I was starting to feel dizzy. Daniela looked at me, then
followed my eyes and gasped.
“Come on,”
she said pointing to a table away from Hunter. “Let’s go sit over on this
side.”
She walked
to the side of the cafeteria opposite from Hunter and sat down. I followed her
numbly, barely able to process what was happening.
I’d been
hungry when I was in the food line but when I sat down, I couldn’t even look at
my plate. Who was that girl and why was she so cozy with Hunter? Had he moved
on that quickly? Just a few days ago he’d been baring his soul about his
feelings for me, bringing me a rose and chocolate. Now he apparently had
feelings for someone else. I wanted to pretend that it didn’t bother me but the
bundle of coils in my stomach made that impossible.
Noticing
Daniela studying me carefully, I decided to break the silence.“I don’t know if
I can eat,” I said.
She nodded
but stayed silent. I stared at my food thinking about how stupid I was for
feeling jealous that Hunter was flirting with another girl. I’d told him my
feelings for him were strictly based on friendship but it was becoming
increasingly clear to me that I wasn’t being entirely honest.
Finally
Daniela spoke. “Do you know who she is?”
I shook my
head. This was so humiliating, even in front of my best friend. I wanted to
turn around and curl up in bed until Spring came.
She
grimaced. “Okay. We can leave if you want.”
“No, you
should eat.” I gestured to her food, which was as untouched as mine was.
“I’m not
leaving you here, Lorrie. If you want to leave I’m going with you.”
I felt
like I was pinned flat on my back by a giant boulder. Overwhelmed, I felt tears
welling up in my eyes. “Thank you,” I said, trying to smile.
“You’re
welcome. I know you’d do the same for me.” She speared a forkful of chicken and
broccoli. “I’ll try to eat fast,” she said, chewing. “Like a chicken broccoli
bake eating contest.”
I looked
down at the spread on my plate and took a fork full of food. Knowing from
experience that neglecting food was just going to make me feel worse, I decided
to take a few bites. The food tasted bland, but I didn’t feel like I was going
to throw up, so I continued eating.
Chewing my
food, I was tempted to look at Hunter. I turned and found him staring right at
me. His gray eyes opened wide in surprise and then narrowed. He tapped the girl
sitting next to him on the shoulder, fed her another suggestive bite of his
banana then looked at me for my reaction. I glared at him for a second and then
turned back to Daniela.
“This is
ridiculous. He’s taunting me! I have to go,” I said, my heart racing as I stood
up.
“Lorrie
wait!” Daniela cried.
But I was
already heading out of the dining hall. It felt like everyone in the Barnyard
was staring at me as I rushed out, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to talk to
Hunter when he was consciously trying to piss me off.
Stepping
outside into the night, the cold winter air stung my bare arms. As I walked
down the steps, I realized I’d forgotten my coat in the rush to get out of the
cafeteria. Rather than go back in, I hugged my arms to my body and powered
forward, figuring Daniela would bring it back to the dorm when she finished
eating. There was no way I was going back in there and embarrassing myself even
more. I hurried down the last few steps and started in the direction of Floyd
Hall.
I’d gone
three paces when I heard Hunter calling from the top of the steps. “Lorrie,
wait!”
I
continued walking, ignoring Hunter’s cries. He knew how I reacted to hearing
about him getting a blowjob from those girls. Deciding to feed that girl a
banana in front of me made him a huge jackass. After resolving the blowjob
incident, this felt like huge betrayal of my trust.
“Wait! You
forgot your coat,” he called.
Feeling
the cold biting through my thin layer of clothes, I stopped and turned. “What
are you doing?” I said harshly.
He held up
my coat from the top of the stairs. “Apparently saving you from freezing to
death—again.”
“I’ll be
just fine, thanks. Leave my coat with Daniela.” I turned to walk away.
“Lorrie,
what the fuck?” he yelled. “How are
you
mad at
me
? You rejected
me, remember? I’m the one who should be mad at you. And frankly, I am.” He
descended the steps and offered the coat as I turned to face him.
I stomped
my foot. “What do you have to be mad about? I said I wasn’t ready and needed a
little space, and you responded by running into the arms of another girl
immediately! Who is she, anyway? One of the girls who would suck your dick even
if you had a pet rock?”
“Dammit
Lorrie!” he roared, nostrils flared. His anger surprised me. He looked like he
was going to keep yelling but pursed his lips together and ran his free hand
through his short brown hair. “No,” he said in a measured tone. “She’s an ex
that I’m still friends with.”
“Ada?” I
blurted.
His brows
shot up in surprise, but he nodded. “Yes. Ada. So you’ve heard about her. Well,
now you’ve seen her.”
“Have you
been hanging out with her a lot?”
His mouth
opened to speak but then he shook his head. “Look, Ada and I . . . are not
exactly friends, it’s just . . . complicated between us.”
“You think
I’m blind, Hunter?” I said angrily. “You guys sure
looked
friendly.”
“Things
between Ada and I aren’t romantic or sexual. We still hang out every once in a
while, but nowhere near as much as I hang out with you.”
Now he was
changing his story. I wondered if he was just telling me what he thought I
wanted to hear. “So she’s not your friend, and things aren’t sexual between
you, but you still suggestively feed her bananas?”
“What do
you want from me, Lorrie?” he yelled. “First you push me away because I want
you, now you get jealous when I’m hanging out with another girl. This is
ridiculous!”
“Ridiculous?
Jumping into your ex’s arms days after saying you have feelings for me is
ridiculous! I thought you would at least keep it to a quiet hookup.”
He sighed.
“Listen, I’m sorry I fed Ada that banana to piss you off. That was immature,
but I swear to you there was no hookup.”
“Why would
you use a friend—or whatever she is— to try and get back at me when I’ve done
nothing wrong?”
He
scoffed. “Nothing wrong? Lorrie, you’re playing with me like a yo-yo. You push
me away then get jealous and pull me in. Over and over.”
I snatched
my coat from his outstretched hand and backed away. “Hunter, you can’t force me
to date you, even if we did kiss. But you’re right, maybe I have been unfair.
Maybe we should stay away from each other.”
“Come on,
don’t say that!” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. What can I do to make this
right?”
“I don’t
know!”
I turned
on my heel and hurried away, expecting him to chase after me. When I realized
he wasn’t following, I put my coat on and quickened my pace toward the dorm,
the crisp night air chilling my tear-stained cheeks.
Goddammit.
Why did
things always have to turn out so horribly?
I got back
to my room and checked my phone. Daniela had texted me several times asking
what happened and how I was. I texted back and told her I was going to the
library to study. I knew it would be hard to be productive, but I had to do
something. Sitting in my dorm would drive me crazy.
Daniela
texted back and said the two of us should meet up when I was done. I agreed,
grabbed my books, and headed to Wheatley Library.
Once I got to the library, I
had a hard time focusing. It was emptier than usual, and the people that were
there were mostly chatting first and studying second. There was too much
swirling through my head. I stared at my psych textbook rereading the same
paragraph over and over. I needed to know this material soon or I would fail my
midterm.
Dammit this is all because of Hunter.
Frustrated, I tried
focusing on just the pictures and diagrams, but nothing stuck.
I took a
break and stared out the window at the student union. Why did I think that
being just friends with Hunter would work out? I’d been warned multiple times
by Daniela to be careful and not fall for him. I’d ignored her warnings, and
here I was, trying to study in the library on a Friday night so I didn’t fail
my midterms.
Looking
down at my notebook, I saw the only words I had written were “Psych Notes” at
the top of the page. This was hopeless. I texted Daniela to ask if she wanted
to watch some Grey’s Anatomy together. She responded with an enthusiastic
message:
Hell yeah :)
. I packed up my stuff and headed back to my dorm.