Wish Upon a Christmas Cake (31 page)

‘For me, it was always you, Katie. But I need you to want me as much as I want you.’

‘I have an idea, Sam, but I don’t know if you’ll like it.’

‘Go on.’ He turned to face me and took my hands.

‘I went to see the business consultant at the bank recently, just to have a business health check and to discuss possibilities for further expansion. One of my ideas was to build the online side of Crumbtious. At the moment, in West Hampstead, we’re doing well but there’s a whole world out there just waiting for cakes. Wedding cakes. Birthday cakes. Anniversary cakes. Graduation cakes.’

A smile played on his lips and I couldn’t help myself, I leant forwards and kissed him softly.

‘I can’t disagree with that, Katie,’ he murmured against my lips.

‘So, if I had a base, a workshop, say, I could develop that side of the business.’

‘What about the shop?’

‘Well, we’ve finally taken on our two Christmas workers permanently. One used to work in a baker’s until she had children. She’s really good. Ann will obviously need some maternity time but Mark has a great paternity package from his employer, so they’ve said that they can manage things there between them if I want to branch out.’

‘That’s incredible news!’ he said and lifted both of my hands and kissed them.

‘Mark’s going to move into the flat for a while too because they’re renovating an old property he bought at an auction. Apparently it could take six months or more to get the new property up to standard and that’s once all the paperwork has been finalised. So I just need to find a base. Somewhere to set up, then I can get the ball rolling.’

Sam’s cheeks coloured and I wondered what he was thinking.

‘What about…’ He shook his head. ‘No. Silly idea.’

‘Tell me!’

‘Well, I have a possibility.’

‘Where?’

‘It depends how close to
home
you’d like to work. My, uh, land here stretches beyond the garden. You see, the property came with a few acres and there are some old outbuildings just a short walk from the garden. We could look into developing one of those?’

‘Really?’

‘I’m sure that we could work something out and get you up and running here if you’d be happy with that?’

‘Happy?’ I flung myself into his arms. ‘That’s a wonderful idea!’

I snuggled my face into his neck and held on tight. Was it possible? Could it really happen?

‘Now, one final time, then I won’t ask again. Katie, are you sure that you want all this?’ Sam gestured at the room and then at himself and I sat back on my heels. ‘If you do, it’s yours.’

‘I guess it won’t be easy.’

He shook his head. ‘We’ll have to introduce the children to the idea of us being together slowly. They already think a lot of you but they’ll need to adjust to us being together. I also want to speak to Maria’s parents about it so that it doesn’t come from the children. Jack and Holly might not deliver it as gently as they could do.’

‘Setting up the Internet business will take some time, so it’s not like I can move in tomorrow.’

He stroked my hair back from my forehead. ‘If I had my way then you would, but no. It will take a few months, I expect.’

‘That gives me time to train our new employees fully and for Ann and Mark to sort their side of things.’

‘But I need to see you, Katie. A lot of you.’

‘I’ll be here whenever you need me,’ I said as he pulled me close and kissed me.

‘Now that’s all settled, can we start making up for lost time?’ he asked as he helped me out of my hoodie, then slid my jogging bottoms down my legs.

‘Yes please,’ I agreed, as he started to do things to me that made everything else just melt away.

And soon we were one. Just like we used to be. Just like we always should have been.

***

Two weeks later, Sam held my hand as we visited the memorial garden at the hospital where I’d given birth to our child. I hadn’t been there since her ashes had been scattered and I was terrified. But Sam was with me, holding me tight, holding me together.

The garden was small yet pretty. There were several benches dotted around with plaques dedicated to lost children and a variety of trees and plants offering privacy to grieving parents.

I pulled the pink teddy bear from my pocket and stroked it with my thumb. Sam slipped his big hand around mine and copied my action so that we were connected around the bear.

‘Do you wish that we’d given her a name?’ Sam asked me.

I placed the bear in his hand, then crouched down next to a lavender bush and inhaled the sweet fresh scent.

I shook my head. ‘I couldn’t do it.’

‘I tried, for a while, in my head. But it made the pain worse.’

‘I know.’ I moved closer to him.

‘It’s so unfair,’ he said.

‘It is but then if she’d lived, you wouldn’t have gone on to have Jack and Holly.’

He nodded. ‘Life’s like that, I guess.’

‘Always moving on. Always changing.’

‘But never forgetting.’

‘No. Never forgetting.’ I brushed my hand over the lavender and released a wave of its calming fragrance before standing up again. ‘I’ll never forget her beautiful face or her tiny perfect body when they placed her in my arms. She was so light yet so real. Our baby girl. Even though we only had her for a moment, Sam, I don’t regret having her.’

‘Me either, Katie. I loved her and I love you.’

I blinked hard and took a deep, shaky breath. The birds sang in the trees and the breeze toyed with my hair, lifting it from my face, then dropping it gently again. I looked up and watched the clouds as they sailed through the sky. We were so insignificant in the grander scheme of things, whatever it was, yet we suffered so much as a species. People had been losing their children since the first humans roamed the earth, yet they had survived. Because they had to. It didn’t ease my pain, or Sam’s pain, but knowing that we were not alone in our loss helped me to feel less isolated.

‘Do you think that…’ Sam turned to me and gazed into my eyes.

I knew what Sam was about to ask but I didn’t know the answer. Nearly ten years after losing my little girl, I was used to swearing that I’d never try to have another baby. That certainly wouldn’t change overnight. Or over the course of a few months. Maybe not ever.

‘I don’t know, Sam. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to try again.’

‘All that matters, Katie, is that I have you. I’ll never ask you to do anything that might cause you pain.’

‘Perhaps one day, maybe in a year or two, I’ll feel differently. But we also have Jack and Holly to think about.’ I smiled as I pictured their cheeky faces.

‘Spoken like a loving mum,’ Sam said, and my throat tightened with emotion. It had been doing that a lot recently.

‘Shall we go then?’ I asked, casting the small garden one more glance.

‘We’ll be back,’ Sam said.

‘Often,’ I replied, because I knew that with Sam at my side, I could cope with my grief and finally work through it. It would never leave me completely but I wouldn’t have to bury it any longer.

I could finally let go of the
what ifs
and the guilt and the regret. It was time to live again. To
really
live and to move on.

Epilogue

As the driveway curved to the right, the car passed under an archway of ancient elm trees then the manor came into view and literally stole my breath away. The same lamps that had adorned the lower half of the driveway lit up the front of the house, highlighting the warm red of the bricks and the startling white of the sash windows.

As snow drifted slowly downwards, I felt as if I was being transported into another time. The manor house was as beautiful as I remembered and my heart leapt as memories of last Christmas came back with startling clarity. A year ago I had come here to Hawthorne Manor for a family Christmas. I’d been tired, hungry and a bit apprehensive at what the holidays would bring. I’d been dreading spending time with my mother, disgruntled about my failed relationship with Harrison and grieving for my lovely little Granny.

How things can change in a year.

I turned to the little girl at my side and smiled.

‘I like this limosheen, Katie. It’s so big.’ She looked around in awe, her rosebud mouth slightly open and her big brown eyes wide.

I giggled.
Limosheen.
‘Yes it’s nice, isn’t it?’

The vehicle suddenly skidded on a patch of ice and we both squealed.

‘Come on now, ladies, nothing to worry about,’ Dad said as he grinned at us from his seat opposite. He was every bit the distinguished gentleman in his silver-grey morning suit and crisp white shirt. His white hair was combed back from his forehead and his eyes twinkled beneath his black brows. He’d returned from his French villa with Mum just a week earlier in order to be with us for Christmas.

‘Are you nervous, Katie?’ Holly asked as she ran her fingers over the diamond on the third finger of my left hand. It was a habit she had developed since Sam had placed the ring on my finger on my birthday in August, almost as if she was checking that it was still there, that this was real. I often did the same thing. The only other ring I wore was on the middle finger of my right hand. It was a mood ring, one of those cheap adjustable rings you can get in theme park gift shops. It made my finger green if it got wet but I wore it anyway. I would always wear it because it meant so much to me. Jack had bought it for me in July on his school trip. He’d told me to wear it so that he could know if I was ever sad, then he could make me happy again. I had cried that evening after he’d gone to bed because it was a sign of his acceptance of me. He was still nervous at times, and now and then I’d catch him watching me as I moved around the house completing chores, but I’d realised that it was because he needed to know that I was there, almost as if he was afraid that I would disappear in the same way that his mother had. I reassured him as much as I could with hugs and love, and bit by bit I could see that he was starting to relax. It would take as long as it would take to build our bond but I knew that we were well on the way.

I shook my head. ‘I’m not nervous at all. This is what I want, Holly.’

‘Me too!’ she announced, then leant back against the fawn leather and flounced out her full white skirt and petticoats. I smiled as she lifted her feet in turn to admire the tiny white Ugg boots with their sparkling sequins. Comfort and style, practical for a winter wedding. They were bespoke products from an American woman I’d come across on Twitter who could do all sorts of things to make Uggs even better for special occasions.

In her left hand, Holly held a small bouquet of cream roses. In the centre was a tiny pink teddy bear. I’d given it to Holly a few weeks ago and asked her to look after it for me. It had just felt right. She had taken my request seriously and when she suggested bringing it to the wedding, her bouquet seemed like the perfect place for it to be. Holly would never replace my baby, just as I would never replace her mother, but we would have a relationship that was all our own. I knew that I loved her as much as if I’d given birth to her now and the same with Jack. It had been a journey but a most fulfilling one and it was just beginning.

I lifted my own feet and admired my silver-blue Jimmy Choos, the gift from Karl the Christmas before last. I’d been waiting for the right occasion to wear them. They were the finishing touch to go with my ivory silk regency-style dress and dragonfly jewellery. I had gone Jane Austen for the day and I loved how the material caressed my curves and felt so smooth against my skin. I just hoped that Sam would approve. I really wanted to be beautiful for him, although he made me feel beautiful inside and out.

The car pulled up outside Hawthorne Manor and my stomach did a little flip. I would be entering through the front door this time and I had travelled here from Sevenoaks with my dad and Holly. My heart fluttered as I recalled seeing Sam for the first time in years out in the barn. I’d had no idea what lay ahead of us or how lucky I would be.

As Dad helped me out of the car, I looked around at the beautiful land surrounding the manor house. There was a generous covering of snow and I was thrilled because I’d hoped for the picture-postcard scenery. We had decided to get married at dusk so that our guests could see the house lit up and I knew that they wouldn’t be disappointed. Fairy lights swung gently from the trees in the icy breeze and the Victorian lamps cast their warm golden glow over the house and the snow. It was just like last year, yet also very, very different.

My heart thundered and I took a deep breath.

Dad led me towards the front door slowly, careful to allow Holly to carry the short train of my dress so that it didn’t drag in the snow. We’d spent hours over previous weeks in fits of giggles as she’d practised holding it at just the right angle to avoid revealing my knickers, but not so low that she stood on it. I was having so much fun being a stepmother and although I’d been apprehensive when I’d moved in with Sam, the children and the dogs in the autumn, I now felt that I belonged there. It was home. They were mine and I was theirs.

‘She’s here you know, Katie,’ Dad said, ‘They both are.’

I bit my lip hard. ‘Do you really believe that, Dad?’ My heart skipped at the thought that Granny could be here with us now, watching over us, making us laugh with her naughty comments and wicked sense of humour and that my little girl could be there too.

‘They’ll always be with you, Katie, safe and warm in your heart, whatever else you might believe. Granny loved you and Karl so much; she was extremely proud of you both. The boasting she did on Twitter about you!’

‘On Twitter? How do you know?’

‘Oh I kept an eye on her. Had to really. I couldn’t trust my mother not to misbehave on social media. I even set up a Gok fan account just to keep her from pestering the real man.’

I shook my head and dabbed at my eyes. ‘Oh stop it, Dad, my make-up will run.’

‘Yes, she was a character, Katie. And you remind me of her in so many ways. You’re just as funny, quirky and loveable.’

‘Thank you, Dad. I think.’ I winked at him.