Wish Upon a Christmas Cake (27 page)

I shook my head at the sadness of it all. Poor Mum. She’d dealt with that secret all my life and never once told me, even though it might have helped me to understand her better. She didn’t want me thinking badly of Dad and look at what had happened.

‘It sent me into a deep depression, Katie. Of course, that might have happened anyway. Post-natal depression doesn’t always have a trigger but I don’t think it helped. The final weeks of my pregnancy were very difficult and then when I delivered you, every time I looked at you, all I could see was Karen. If I hadn’t been fat and pregnant, then Dad might not have fallen into the arms of another woman. I might have been able to keep him faithful. And I’d given up my hopes and dreams for him, become the wife he wanted me to be. I never wanted you to do that. You have to keep something back for yourself. Your dad was very sorry afterwards. He regrets what he did.’

‘I should bloody well hope so.’

‘Katie, I’m so sorry for not bonding with you as I should have. I know that I can’t undo all the years of hurt and confusion. I know there’s no miracle glue to mend our relationship. I would never hope to be able to do that. But I’m asking you now… Can you at least try to understand?’

My throat ached and my heart pounded but I forced myself to speak. ‘Yes, Mum. I can try. It still hurts that you didn’t love me the way I longed to be loved, but at least now I know why.’

‘Your granny and I argued a few weeks before she died. I’ve been dealing with the guilt of that too. She knew all about the affair because your father told her but she never felt that it was her place to tell you about it. I’m stubborn – as you know – so I refused to tell you and I made Dad promise too. It was ridiculous really, but I thought that as the damage was already done, there was no point in you hating both of us. But your granny, I think she sensed that she didn’t have long left and she told me to sort myself out and to come clean before it was too late. The sad thing is that I’m doing it now, after she’s gone, so she doesn’t know I’ve done it.’ She choked up then and I abandoned my bowl and went and hugged her. She collapsed into me and I held her as she cried. A sudden loud noise made us jump and when we pulled apart I realised that it was the smoke alarm and the kitchen was filled with smoke. I quickly turned off the gas stove and removed the cakes from the bakestone while Esther fanned the smoke detector with a tea towel.

‘Is everything all right in here?’ Lynsey asked as she appeared in the kitchen doorway.

I smiled at her, realising that I must look a right state. ‘Yes, lovely, everything’s fine. We just left the cakes on the heat too long. No need to call the fire brigade.’

‘Shame. I like a man in uniform.’ She grinned, then went back through to the shop.

As Esther cleaned the bakestone off with fresh butter, then turned the heat on beneath it again, I thought about what she’d said. She and dad must have worried all these years that they’d broken me. Parental guilt must really suck, all that worrying about whether or not you’ve created fucked-up offspring and how far you were responsible. No wonder Sam was worried about Jack and Holly. He had every right to be. However much he might care for me, he would always have to put them first. Even if that meant never seeing me again.

‘So you stayed together. In spite of all that?’

‘I loved your father. I always have done. But it wasn’t easy at all at times. That’s why it’s so important to me that you have the life you want. I don’t want you to regret anything.’

‘I don’t,’ I replied. ‘I’m just not certain about what I want from here on. Don’t worry though, I will be careful.’

‘When you got pregnant, I worried that you did it to get back at me. Then I worried that it would ruin your life because you’d be tied down just like I was. But as your pregnancy progressed, I could see how happy you were about it and what a great mother you would have been.’

‘You thought I’d have been a great mum?’ I stared at her.

‘You would have loved that little girl with everything you had to give. You’d have done it properly. You wouldn’t have failed her as I did you.’

I swallowed hard. ‘I did love her.’

‘I know, sweetheart. I am so proud of you, Katie, for all you’ve achieved and for the beautiful person you have turned out to be. You’re strong, kind and hardworking. You have so much ahead to look forward to.’ I bit my lip but I was too late to stop it trembling and a sob burst from my mouth. Esther turned the gas off again, then hugged me tight. And this time it was my turn to cry.

My parents were human; I’d realised that at the hospital the night Granny died, but it was clearer now than ever. They’d both made mistakes, neither of them was perfect. But then, who is? Mum had been through some rough times. Dad had been responsible for some of that. Hell, in my own way, I’d been responsible for some of it. There was no happy ever after, but there was acceptance and understanding. I could, at least, try to give them both that.

And finding out that Esther had believed that I’d have been a good mother to my own baby was a moving revelation. In spite of everything, she’d had faith that I’d have been a good mum. So I wasn’t broken. I could find a way to fix my life and perhaps to one day have a family. I just wished I knew whether or not that would include Sam.

***

On Friday afternoon, I’d just removed a tray of triple chocolate cookies from the oven when I heard Esther laughing out front. It was her youthful, carefree giggle that she usually reserved only for my father, so I wiped my hands on my apron and hurried out to the shop.

But it wasn’t my father at the counter. It was Sam. And he looked up as I entered and held me captive with his big brown eyes; they were as soft and warm as the chocolate in the cookies I’d just removed from the oven. I froze in the doorway and stared at him. He was alone, no kids in tow. The shop was empty but his big, masculine presence seemed to fill the space and I approached him, drawn to his irresistible intoxicating aroma like a cartoon cat following a roast chicken scent.

‘Hey, Katie.’ He smiled at me and I coloured, suddenly aware of how closely Esther was watching us.

‘Hi, Sam. No children?’

He shook his head. ‘They’re spending the night with my parents.’

‘Oh.’ My heartrate increased.

‘I was just passing…and I wondered if you were free tonight?’ He rubbed the back of his neck in that endearing way of his.

‘Free?’

‘Yes of course she’s free.’ Esther cut in. ‘Aren’t you, Katie?’

‘I, uh, I…I don’t know.’ This wasn’t a good idea. Nothing had changed between us since the last time we’d spoken.

‘I thought we could grab a bite to eat if you fancy it.’ Sam smiled and I fought to keep my hands at my sides. In spite of my pain, I longed to trace his strong jawline with my fingers, then to run them into his soft, dark hair.

‘That would be lovely, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.’ I lifted a hand to smooth my hair but it snagged in the blue hairnet I was wearing. Dammit! Why hadn’t I removed it before coming up front? I must look a right state. I pulled the hairnet off but my hair remained exactly where it was; a frizzy, sweaty helmet.

‘Please, Katie. I really want to talk to you.’

‘What harm could it do, love?’ Esther asked me. ‘Remember what I told you.’

I paused for a moment. ‘Well, okay, but I’ll need to shower.’

‘I can wait,’ he said.

‘Go get ready, Katie and I’ll finish up here,’ Esther said.

I glanced at her as I weighed the situation up. She had closed up before and knew what she was doing. But I felt bad for leaving her to do it. I mean, she’d been really great all week and things were going well between us. We’d actually had a great day together after her confession. When Dad had turned up to pick her up the previous evening, I’d given him a bit of a hard time, but he’d taken it graciously. It was time for us all to move on. Life didn’t wait for any man or woman and Mum had reminded me of what Granny always had to say about that.

‘I’ll give your mum a hand,’ Sam said. ‘Where shall I start, Esther?’

I nodded, then left the shop before I talked myself out of going, and made my way up to flat. I had to keep calm. Sam had come to see me, without the children, and he wanted to take me out. We would be alone! Just us! Together. It could be a good evening or it could be really tough, but I’d never know if I didn’t go.

As I turned the shower on and stepped under the spray, my hands were shaking. Was this it? Would tonight be the night that I finally got to be with him again? What would it be like after all those years? The same or different? Or would it be the night that we finally said goodbye?

Chapter 20

I checked my appearance in the mirror for the hundredth time. Did I look okay? Was I smart enough? Where was Sam planning on taking me? I didn’t want to be overdressed but neither did I want to look too casual.
I should have asked him!

At least black could look smart or casual. My chiffon mid-thigh blouse over a black cami paired with leggings was quite fetching, especially when I pulled on my knee-high boots with their chunky heel. But, alas, my hair was doing its usual stubborn thing and curling wherever it chose to go, so I just smoothed in some coconut serum and let it get on with it. A smudge of eyeliner and a dash of lip gloss and I was ready as I’d ever be. I’d even donned my best lingerie – just in case – and shaved my legs.

I grabbed my coat and handbag and negotiated the stairs, careful not to slip. I didn’t want to ruin my night by breaking a boot heel or, even worse, a leg. Although I suspected that even if I did, I’d have carried on regardless and swallowed as many painkillers as I could manage rather than cancel on Sam tonight. A vision of me clinging to his arm and hopping along, insisting that my broken ankle was just a sprain, popped into my head and I giggled. Was I that desperate to be alone with him, then?

My bag suddenly buzzed and I pulled out my mobile. It was Ann telling me that they were heading out to the casinos. They’d married mid-week and she’d texted me photographs. Even wearing a plain white blouse and linen trousers, with a mini-veil on a headband pushed behind her ears, she’d been beautiful. The thought of it brought a lump to my throat. I was so sad that I hadn’t been there, but extremely happy for her and Mark. And their little baby. I couldn’t wait to meet mini-Ann. I was already convinced that it would be a girl and that she’d be as lovely as her mummy.

As I neared the doorway into the shop, I paused. Mum would have put the closed sign up by now but I could hear voices and more than two. Who was there? A hot Italian accent drifted through to me and I grinned. Karl and Angelo! They must be home for that film awards ceremony. But wasn’t that tonight in London?

I walked into the shop and Karl opened his arms. ‘There she is! My beautiful sister!’ He marched towards me and pulled me into his arms. As he pressed me against his chest, he whispered, ‘Go get changed.’

I pulled back. ‘What?’

‘Go put on your best frock.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘We’re taking you to the fifth Annual Anglo-American Film Awards Ceremony. Oh and pack an overnight bag because we’ve reservations at the Park Plaza.’

‘What?’ I gaped at my brother, awe mingling with sadness. I’d love to go to an awards ceremony but it would mean that I wouldn’t get the chance to talk to Sam properly. I peered at him but he was engaged in conversation with Angelo.

‘Oh don’t worry, Katie, Sam is coming too.’

‘He is?’

‘Of course. I wouldn’t whisk you away and leave Prince Charming behind, would I? And Mum and Dad will open up the shop in the morning and hold the fort until you get back. It’s all arranged.’

I kissed Karl’s cheek, leaving a red lip gloss print then hurried back up to the flat. So I was off to a film awards ceremony with my brother, his boyfriend and Sam. Could this evening get any better? My big conversation with Sam would have to wait.

***

I raised my flute of Champagne and took the delicious icy liquid into my mouth and let the bubbles fizz on my tongue. Apparently, the evening could get better – by the minute. I was wearing my best strapless Monsoon cocktail dress (black, of course) and a pair of strappy stiletto heels I’d bought once on a whim, then hidden at the back of my wardrobe. I’d forgotten they were there until I’d reached in there searching for a suitable clutch. I’d considered wearing the silver-blue Jimmy Choos that Karl had bought me, but something held me back and I’d opted for the black patent sandals instead.

Next to me on the back seat of the limousine sat Sam. He was breathtakingly handsome in a tuxedo that Karl just happened to have with him. Something made me think that this might have all been planned by my mother and Karl without my knowledge – or Sam’s – but I really didn’t care. I suspected that Esther had encouraged him to come to the shop knowing that Karl would arrive to whisk us away to the awards ceremony. It was a way of getting us together to have some fun. And it was like a dream come true. I eyed Sam as he sipped his Champagne. With his dark hair, olive complexion and large muscular build he could be an actor or a model for Armani or another big fashion house. But I also knew what a good man he was; how kind, clever and considerate he was and those qualities mattered far more to me. Looks could fade, but a good heart was a good heart, no matter how old you got or how life battered you. He was my friend and had been for years, even though we’d had time apart. I realised now that we’d both grown in that time and changed and that we’d come back together with far more to offer than we’d had as kids. If only we could find a way to make things work, that included Jack, Holly and Crumbtious.

‘Katie!’ Karl interrupted my thoughts from his seat that ran along the side of the lengthy vehicle. ‘Stop drooling over Sam and finish your Champagne.’

I blushed furiously. ‘You have to say it like it is don’t you, Karl!’

‘Well I don’t blame you, Katie. If I wasn’t so in love…’ He ran hand over Angelo’s muscular thigh. ‘Then I’d probably fancy Sam too. Oldest friend or not.’

Sam shook his head and laughed. ‘You know I love you too, Karl.’