William Shakespeare's The Phantom Menace (4 page)

An army all compris'd of droids shall soon

Make their attack upon the kind Naboo.

We must give them a warning, with your aid.

But meesa do not likee the Naboo.

Dey think dey are so wise and full of wit.

The moment that the battle droids have done

With the Naboo, they shall descend into

These murky depths and seize control of you.

But meesa nowa thinkee so. De droids

Not know of ussen ere.

—Have you no eyes?

Is enmity so strong it makes you blind?

You two—the Gungans and Naboo—do form

A circle symbiont. The rock that's thrown

Into your lake makes waves upon their shores;

The quake that shakes their land doth make your own

Dear city move as though 'twere rock'd by giants.

The same sun shines upon you both, the same

Rain falls and bringeth water to each one,

The plant that takes root in your miry depths

Doth spread its leaves above, for them to see.

Your fate is theirs and, aye, their fate is yours.

[
aside:
] This Jedi speaketh with a wisdom keen.

But weesa do no care 'bout de Naboo.

[Qui-Gon uses a Jedi mind trick on Boss Nass
.

In that case, prithee, speed us on our way.

Yea, meesa gonna speed you bote away.

And we shall have the need for transport, too.

And weesa gonna give you una bongo.

The speedies' way to get to de Naboo

Is going tru de planet core. Now, hence!

With gratitude we give thee thanks, Boss Nass,

And leave your worthy court with wish of peace.

[Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan turn to leave
.

Say, Master, what doth “una bongo” mean?

Methinks it is a transport. So hope I!

[
aside:
] 'Tis now or ne'er if I would join their cause.

[
To Qui-Gon:
] O, deysa settin' you up, certain.

Go to de planet core? Bad bombin'.

And any help 'ere would be hot. Eh?

Time runneth short, my master. Shall we go?

A navigator who shall guide us through

The planet core would be most useful, aye?

[
To Nass:
] What shall become of this one—

Jar Jar Binks?

Hisen to havee punishment severe.

Yet I did save his life, and oweth he

A debt of life to me in recompense.

Your gods have given Jar Jar o'er to me,

He shall go with me by divine command.

Binks? Yousen hava lifeplay witha his?

O yassa, meesa doee, bossa.

Ah, fie! Be gone wit him. Good riddance, den.

Ahh, nay, count me right outta dis here.

'Tis betta dead here den at de core.

O whatta meesa speaka? Commink!

[Exeunt Boss Nass, Gungan bosses, and other Gungans. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar Jar enter the transport
.

And now we venture to the planet core.

A place most dangerous, it doth beseem.

O, dis is nutsen. [
Looking out of the vessel:
]

Gooberfish, O!

Why wert thou banish'd, Jar Jar? Prithee, tell.

[
aside:
] If I could tell them true, they'd not believe.

For who would think that simple-minded Binks

Would come to have such thoughts expansive as

Could threaten e'en the Gungan bosses, eh?

O well do I recall how they assess'd

The strange beliefs that I'd begun to speak:

That Gungans and Naboo had equal strength,

That we did need them e'en as they need us,

That our two races should not hostile be,

That our best future lay as one, not two.

Such thoughts as these were reprehensible

To all the bosses: thus, my banishment.

Yet this is not the story I'll relate.

[
To Obi-Wan:
] O issa longa tale you seeuh,

But small part bein' meesa clumsy.

Thou wert in exile for thy clumsiness?

Ahh, yousa mighten beeyuh say dat.

Enter
OPEE
,
hidden
.

My lord, Darth Sidious, hath sent me here,

Across the galaxy to help destroy

These wretched Jedi. O, what pleasure shall

It give me—not just to fulfill the will

Of my great master, nay, but there is more

My villainous assignment also doth

Bring with it promise of a supper rich!

The best employment bringeth one enjoyment.

[
to Obi-Wan:
] So maybe meesa causa one or,

Uh, maybe twowee axidentee.

I boom de gasser, den I banish'd.

[The opee catches the transport with its tongue
.

O nay, O nay, O dissa trouble!

Enter
SANDO AQUA MONSTER
,
aside
.

Fear not, my Jedi brothers, for I come!

Sent by the Jedi Council to Naboo

To guard the good Republic's interest,

My post is in the groaning waters blue

Where I do stand a'ready to protect

Their passage through the planet's vicious core.

And now my chance hath come to save their lives:

Though I am sando aqua monster call'd,

I am not monstrous, nay, but virtuous.

[The sando aqua monster eats the opee and exits
.

Deep in the sea 'tis true, as 'tis in life:

One fish seems vast, as giant as a fish

Was e'er thought possible to be. We fear,

Nay cower, in its presence, for we think

It doth portend our sure and certain death.

Now, whether 'tis a fish most literal,

The like of which our ship has just escap'd

Here, or, belike, 'tis but some metaphor—

E'en some great challenge or some enemy,

Mayhap some test that we must overcome—

Unless we call upon the Force to see

Correctly, that the thing is not so grand,

Know this: you ever shall live life in fear.

Hence, my young Padawan, and Jar Jar Binks,

E'er bear in mind this plain and vital truth—

Remember that you must have confidence

Enough to know: there's e'er a bigger fish.

O, meesa tink we goin' back now.

But whereuh weesa goin' to, sir?

Fret not: we shall be guided by the Force.

O, maxibig, de Force you sayuh.

But datta smella stinkowiffee.

[The console begins to beep
.

Alas, the power swiftly runneth out.

O nay, O weesa die in heeyuh!

Pray, calm thyself. No trouble have we yet.

What “yet”? De monsters swimmin' out dere,

All leakin' and a'sinkin' heeyuh,

When yousa tinkin' we in trouble?

Enter
COLO CLAW
,
hidden
.

My brother opee fail'd where I'll succeed.

This vessel shall become my banquet feast—

And thus I serve my masters by my belly.

The power is restor'd—with it, our chance.

[The lights of the transport turn on to reveal the colo claw, which attempts to eat the ship
.

From one great trial to another, yet

I feel as though some hand doth guide us here.

Enter
SANDO AQUA MONSTER
as the transport dodges the
COLO CLAW
.

I come again to rescue my brave friends!

Flee twixt my teeth, but you—O, colo brute!—

Are not so fortunate. Feel my sharp bite:

I'll break my fast upon your trait'rous hide!

[The sando aqua monster eats the colo claw and exits
.

Thus are we safe again—head for that slope—

For with the Force no sea may sink our hope.

[Exeunt
.

Th'invasion doth proceed apace, my lord.

I have, with cunning, slow'd the Senate's speed,

Arresting—by procedure—their advance.

They shall have little choice but to accept

The strong control you hold o'er small Naboo.

The queen has faith—misguided, to be sure—

And doth believe the Senate sides with her.

Queen Amidala's but an ingénue;

Controlling her shall not be difficult.

Indeed, my lord.

[Exit Darth Sidious from beam
.

—One thing you did omit.

Naught of the missing Jedi did you speak.

Why give him reason to make loud retort?

We shall report when we have some report.

[Exeunt
.

Our journey through the core is made at last,

And now shall we make way unto the queen

To warn her of this threat most imminent.

Come, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar, let us hence!

[Exeunt
.

The queen hath been detainèd, Viceroy.

—Good.

This victory doth taste most succulent,

And sates the hunger of my wide ambition.

Enter
S
ABÉ
dressed as Queen Amidala
, S
IO
B
IBBLE
, C
APTAIN
P
ANAKA
, P
ADMÉ
,
and other members of the
N
ABOO COURT
,
guarded by
BATTLE DROIDS
.

How shalt thou hope to justify this bold

Attack upon our peaceful planet? Speak!

The queen and I shall sign a treaty soon;

It shall confer legitimacy on

Our occupation of the city here.

I have been told the Senate shall with haste

Proceed to ratify the treaty. Aye,

Methinks the queen shall find it in her heart

To move her hand and make the needed mark

That shall deliver her dear populace.

No treaty shall I sign. You shall not have

Cooperation in this matter—nay.

Be sensible, Your Highness, else we shall

Persuade you through the suff'ring of Naboo.

The cries most piteous, the horrid groans,

The gleam of bodkin's touch and scream of pain,

The agony that comes from torture cruel—

These moments bleak shall have sway o'er your will.

[
To OOM-9:
] And now, Commander, take and process them.