Who I Became (Who I Was Book 2) (13 page)

“I had a big truck and I am pretty sure you were more in love with it than you are with me.  The first time I really saw you, the real Lillian shone through was when I offered to let you drive it. You pushed away everything and were just excited.  If I didn’t already love you, I would have fallen in love with you then. Well, that was until you drove it and I was worried you were going to kill me.”

I laugh and reach around to hit his arm.

“Stop it; I couldn’t have been that bad.”

“No, you weren’t. You were perfect at it, just as you are with everything you do.”

“More?”

“I stayed up every night for hours after you went to sleep before going to sleep myself.”

“Why?”

“Because you are breathtaking awake but the sight of you lying with me sleeping, trusting me enough to be there with you when you are the most vulnerable, was the most beautiful thing I would ever see. I wasn’t sure after each time if you would kick me to the curb; I wanted to savor every moment you let me be there with you.”

He doesn’t know how his words are hurting me. Not because they aren’t so freaking perfect but because I used to do the same thing when I woke up in the morning before him. I would just stare at him and wish that I could wake up like that every morning.  A warm lone tear streaks down my cheek and I close my eyes to stop the rest that want to pour out.  I don’t ask him for anymore and I pretend to fall asleep because I can’t take any more. I can’t take him talking about what we had, what we still have or what we could continue to have if I didn’t need to fix this first. I just hope that if I make it through this that he will be able to forgive me.

I must have drifted off a little but I woke up not long after. My body so on edge knowing what it needs to do that it won’t let me sleep any longer.  Wesson isn’t holding me like before so I roll over knowing he is still in bed. I can feel his warmth against my back. I watch him sleep before leaving. I need to soak up every piece of him as I can because I am not sure what I am headed into and this right here is going to be my happy place—the place I go to when I need to not be where I am. 

He is on his back with his arm draped over his face, blocking me from what I really want to see.  I watch his chest rise and fall with his every breath.  I am worried he will wake up too quickly and either catch me before I make it or be able to catch up to me.  I make myself start to scoot off the other side, the one away from him and gather the clothes I stashed in here earlier, pulling them on quickly.  I go to head out the door but turn to him one last time.  My legs move on their own accord as I cross the room and lay a quick kiss on his forehead, a tear drop left in my kiss’s wake. I head into the kitchen and write them a note, I know no words will make them feel better but I write them anyway. Making myself feel better so they will at least know where I am, not that it would make them worry less. I am putting myself in the lion’s den.

Now for the last part which also makes my guilt level increase.  They will need the car we got here in to get them all too where ever they plan to go once they wake up so I am going to borrow Vanessa’s truck. I feel horrible taking it without permission but I don’t have any other choice. I will ask for forgiveness later if I get the chance. I am digging through her purse when I think I hear footsteps—my breathing coming in faster and heavier as I am scared out of my mind. I know that this will be the only chance I get. There is no way they will ever leave me alone again. They will sleep in shifts and pretty sure they won’t let me go with them, worried about what I might do.  I can’t say I’d blame them.

I listen hard, trying to push through the noise of my breathing, straining to hear anything.  After several minutes, it seems like it was nothing and I grab the keys.  I look around the entry way and my eyes land on Wesson’s hoody that he used over the past few days every time he had to go outside to get anything, like fire wood. I grab it and throw it on, already feeling calmer as if he was wrapped around me, not just his sweater. I can smell him and that will have to be enough until I can get back to him, if I can get back to him.  If he will take me back.

I slowly unlock the multiple locks on the door as quietly as possible, pausing many times as each one yells my whereabouts.  Finally, the last lock unlocks and I have to push myself to actually open the door and step out.  It is cold and I hope that Vanessa has heat in her truck.  I drop the keys outside the truck and look to the window that would hold Wesson, making sure he isn’t awake.  I reach down and grab them, finally getting into the truck I start it up. I’m thankful it isn’t that loud and slowly inch by inch back up.  I know if I drove out of here quickly they would hear the truck moving. I don’t turn on the headlights until I am able to turn around far away from the house. 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

LILLIAN

Once I feel I am safe, I gun it.  I look over at my small bag and pull over real quick.  I know time is of the essence and if Wesson has a nightmare since I am not there, he will wake up sooner than morning. That would not be ideal.

I find the directions that I copied from the stuff they had all set up ready for tomorrow and study them for awhile. I stole their map knowing they would have smart phones able to pull it up or they would be able to stop and buy a new one so I unwrap that as well.  They marked where we were and the course that they planned on taking.  I leave it laid out on the passenger seat and put the truck back into drive.

I am driving for a few hours, getting more nervous with each mile, hoping that my plan will work.  I stop right outside what is supposed to be the long driveway heading to where Lucas is with Mia.  I don’t know if he will have anyone else and I am not dumb enough to think that he is unarmed.  I originally thought I would try to sneak in and then sneak out with Mia but I know that I would most likely make matters worse. So I take a deep breath and pull into the drive way, heading to what may be the worst mistake I have ever made.

The sound of the rocks crunching under my tires and the house coming into view has me on the verge of wanting to vomit.  I don’t know if he will even let me get close to the house without opening fire but I am hoping he will.  I start to shake in panic but push it away. I must hold strong, hold my head up high, I wanted this. I need this to happen. I need them to have Mia, I need answers.

The flood lights turn on as I pull up outside the garage. There isn’t anything that would give away that someone is living here and I worry that maybe they aren’t here.  What if we have the wrong information?  Then the lights start to turn on starting from the upstairs. I can follow where they are in the house as each light turns on showing their path.

I sink down a little in the chair prepared to duck if gun fire starts. Not that it couldn’t penetrate the car but this makes me feel better instead of just sitting up in the car like a flashing sign saying shoot me right here, I am a sitting duck. So I hit the floor boards and wait. After sitting there for a few minutes, it hits me. I can’t hide, they are going to notice this truck wasn’t here just a few minutes ago or forever for that matter so I take a deep breath and sit up.  I glance at the door and see no one yet.  I give into the inevitable and turn to exit the car.  If I appear as unarmed as I am, maybe he won’t shoot.

I scream a blood curdling only girls in horror movies can pull off scream because standing right at my window is Lucas with a gun pointed right at me. Shit. He studies me for a few minutes before finally speaking.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk.” I am so thankful I sound stronger than I really am.

“Where are your body guards? I don’t imagine they are too far behind. Are you here to distract me?”

“They don’t know I am here.”

“How am I supposed to believe you?”

Shit. Shit, Fuckety Shit.

“I don’t know. I don’t have proof but I guess you will have to take my word for it? I am not the one who has lied the whole time I knew the other person.”

That gets him to crack a smirk.  He tilts his head from side to side watching me, like he can see through me and see if I was lying. I can see he is tired and worn out.  

“I trust you. They would have never let you come on your own.”

“It’s cold. Can I come in?”

He stiffens.  I am worried about what I will see when I go in there. He isn’t the same Lucas I grew up knowing and respecting. Hell, I loved him, he was family. He isn’t even the same Lucas that came and attacked me, handing me over to the very man who ruined my life.  This Lucas is more unhinged. I have to walk carefully around him.

“Yeah, okay.  Put your hands up though.”

I nod and put my hands up, waiting for him to open the door.  He doesn’t seem to be going for it.

“Do you want to open the door? Or can I put my hands down for a second to do that.”

“Oh, of course.”

He puts the gun in his right hand still pointing at me. I fucking hate guns. I can’t help the tremor starting to shoot through me. Then he reaches for my door, opening it very slowly.  He motions with his gun for me to climb out of the truck. I do what I am told.

“I’ll follow behind you, just go into the house.”

“Is there anyone besides you and Mia here that I need to worry about not being so understanding?”

“No.” He responds in a clipped tone. As if I just offended him for thinking he couldn’t do this alone.

“Okay.”

I turn towards the door and start walking. I am shaking as I walk and it isn’t all from the cold but I hope he thinks it is. I come to the door which is closed wondering if I am going to have to ask if he wants me to open it again or not.

“Open it.”  He says, almost annoyed.

I do as I am told— opening first the rusty screen door, then the door to the house.  I get hit with the warmth immediately and blink a few times coming into the brightness of the room. I look around for Mia and can’t see her. I hope he doesn’t have her tied up somewhere.

“She is asleep.”

“Is she okay?”

“For now, yes. I haven’t touched her.”

“Thank you.”

“I didn’t do it for you.”

“Okay.”

“It’s late; let me show you where you can sleep.  Tomorrow, we will discuss why you are here.”

“We should probably do that now. I am exhausted too but tomorrow we won’t have much time.  Once Wesson and Parker find out I am missing and where I was going they will be here quickly.  Besides that, the force plan on breaking your door down tomorrow.”

“Well they are quick; we just got here a few hours ago.”

“They knew you were headed here before you got here.”

He nods and starts pacing the living room, switching his gun from arm to arm to ensure it continues to be pointed at me.  My arms are starting to get tired.  I am afraid to ask to put them down but I can’t hold them much longer.

“If you think I am armed can you pat me down please?  I can’t hold up my arms anymore.”

He looks at me then nods. I sigh in relief. 

“Take off your sweater.”

I do ask he asks but immediately miss the warmth and strength it brought me, missing his sent.

“I need to check for wires also.”

My stomach churns because I am not wired but know where he will be looking for them.  I didn’t think this part through.  He is going to have to feel me in intimate places.  He isn’t someone I trust in any sense anymore and hope he doesn’t take liberties with his search.

“Go put your hands against the wall and spread your legs.”

I swallow deep and do as I am told.  I look toward the stairs staring at something to keep what is happening out of my thoughts.  I go to what I put in my head as my happy place. The look of Wesson sleeping peacefully.

He starts at my left ankle, feeling up, patting as he goes up until the highest part of my thigh that remained appropriate then switched to my right ankle. I exhale a little and look up the stairs as he repeats. I catch a glimpse of something moving and strain to look harder. 

I see Mia walk down enough of the stairs for me to see her face clearly.  She nods at my existence here in this house then puts her finger to her mouth, telling me to be quiet.  Then she goes back up the stairs.  He has finished with both of my arms at this time.  Not once going overboard with the search.  I am thankful and think maybe it was a bit much for me to imagine he would be that cruel. But he isn’t the Lucas I remember growing up so anything could happen. Even with all that, I feel like shit thinking that this was going to go down that path.

“Turn around.”

I do and look him in the eyes.  Happy to not be staring at the gun anymore.

“Lift up your shirt so I know you’re not taped.”

I start to lift it and get to where my shirt would meet my bra and go to lift it up just a bit further and he turns around to not look at me.

“That’s enough, sit down.”

“Can I put my sweater back on?”

“Yeah that’s fine. Do you want anything to drink?”

“No, thank you.”

This is going easier than I thought. Now to hope he will listen to me and everything else works out also.

“Why are you here?” He growls as he turns around to face me right as I sit on the couch.

I draw my knees up to my chest as a protective barrier because I don’t know how he will take any of this. I look up at him and meet his eyes again before beginning, unsure where to even begin.

“What’s your plan, Luke?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What is your end game? They think you will come after us.  That you have Mia hostage as something to get to us.  They won’t let you. They don’t care that you have Mia.  She is nothing to them at this point.  They have said that she would be considered “collateral damage?”

I flinch as I remember she could probably hear that. I feel like shit letting her know that her government doesn’t care if she lives or not.  That they think if they got the bad guy and she was in the cross fire that there was no loss. I don’t care who you are or how tough, how much self confidence you have, that fucking hurts.  I want to turn toward her to let her know that people care for her. I am here for people who care for her but I know that she doesn’t want him to know she is up there listening.  I hope she listens and runs.

He laughs, not a little chuckle.  He does a deep throaty evil laugh that leaves me covered in chills.

“You may be right.  I can see how they would think that but yet you walked in here giving me someone better to barter with, now didn’t you? Maybe my plan was to get to you, yet here you are giving yourself over to the bad guy? How hard were you hit in the head?”

I narrow my eyes at him and try to hold down the growing anger.              

“Or maybe I am here to help you make a deal, if you help me.”

“What kind of deal can you offer me?”

“I want you to let Mia go. Keep me instead. Like you said, I am a higher priced shiny toy to barter with right? Let her go.  Maybe you can work on something to get yourself to a nice place that doesn’t extradite?”

“Why would I let her go to keep you? I have you and I have her.  Now I have two pieces to play the game with.”

“She is an innocent in this.”

He laughs again, less evil than before.  He walks around to the coffee table in the middle of the living room and sits on the side that faces me.

“I know her a bit more than you do Lil; she isn’t as innocent as you may think.”

“I am not saying she is innocent with everything, I am saying she is innocent in this.  She has nothing to do with this. This is about you and me.”

He sits there staring at me.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Please?” I beg.

“Why? Why do you care so much to give yourself over to me for someone you don’t even know?”

“I don’t need to know her. I know that there are people that I love that love her and they will need her since you have me.”

He watches me again for a few minutes. I swear he doesn’t even blink. Then he looks up at the stairs and my heart drops.  He knows she is there.

“Hey Mia… I need you to come down here please.”

I don’t turn as I hear her come down.  I look straight ahead at him, watching his temperament.  Worried he might hurt her. I hope that something I said doesn’t make things worse for her.

She sits down next to me and doesn’t look at him. Just stares at me, making me finally turn to acknowledge everything that I just said about her.

“You’re stupid. I wouldn’t have come for you but thank you.”

I smile.  This seems like the most genuinely nice thing she has ever said.  It also was probably hard for her to do.

“You would have, for Park.” I watch her eyes flash with understanding. She understands I know how they feel for each other even if they don’t know it themselves yet.

“This is all nice and sweet and I am sure next you will start braiding each other’s hair but it’s time we talk.”

We both look at him.

“I think little Lil here is right.  You are worthless to me except as an offering.  I think if I ask my demands then offer one hostage they will be more likely to give in. You know an act of good faith or some shit.”

I nod and put my hand down to reach for hers giving it a tight squeeze. 

“I think the best way to handle this is to call the chief.  Ask to speak with him.  Then tell him about Wesson and Parker, that way they are stopped also. You won’t get anywhere the other way.” I say softly, now having my hands squeezed tighter from Mia then I squeezed hers.

“Good idea little Lil.”

“I have been thinking on this for awhile.”

He nods then heads out of the room real quick again, asking if we need anything to drink.  It seems strange as we aren’t really his “guests” here but I don’t think he is used to being the one in charge. He is used to doing the evil things Gessati told him to do which is what I was hoping for.  I was hoping that he would be easier to push to listen to what I had to say and that if I nudged some seemingly good ideas toward him, he would jump on them. I just hope that it works and gives me enough time to get Mia out then hopefully I can talk to Luke to find out what is going on and gives them time to get me out of here, if that’s what’s in my cards.