Rhodes went to work on whatever he was making and the minute the herbs hit the air, my mouth started watering. I was still kind of buzzed, which just made me that much hungrier. After he whipped up what looked like little muffins and popped them in the oven, he set the timer for ten minutes and we moved to the couch. He sat on one end and I hugged the arm at the other, like I was scared to touch him even though I’d just had myself wrapped around him on the way over.
“How are your feet?” He nodded toward where I was still stretching out my toes. There were red marks from the straps indented along the bridges of both of my feet, the edges of them outlined by dirt.
I shrugged. “They’ve been better, that’s for sure.”
“Here,” he said, leaning forward and lifting my right leg into his lap. I instinctively yanked it back.
“Ew, absolutely not. You are not touching my feet, especially after I walked around in wedges in the dirt all night.”
He chuckled, and it revealed a smile I hadn’t seen on his face before. It was mischievous, curious, and sexy as hell.
“Relax, Bug. I’ve dealt with way dirtier things than your feet.”
His electric eyes glimmered at that remark and he held his smirk. Hesitantly, I let him take my leg again. The minute his strong hands started working the balls of my feet, I melted back against the couch.
“Oh,” I groaned, squirming under his touch. He stopped, but just for the tiniest second, before continuing his slow assault. I watched his hands carefully, but I felt his eyes on me, not the work he was doing.
“You were drinking tonight.” It wasn’t a question, but I felt like I was being reprimanded.
“I needed to drink, Rhodes.”
He paused, switching to my left foot. “I get that, but alcohol isn’t going to help you reach your goal,” he said sternly. “I’m not saying you can’t ever drink, but it shouldn’t be often. And when you do, try drinking the low-calorie vodka and water. It doesn’t taste as good, but it still works the same and it won’t crush your nutrition for the day.”
I nodded. “You got it, boss.”
He smirked, but the crooked smile fell just as quickly as it had come. “Why did you need to drink tonight? What happened?”
A pain shot through my stomach and I pulled my legs into me instinctively. Rhodes didn’t try to pull me back. He let me retreat, pulling his right ankle up to rest on his left knee as he waited for me to explain.
“Well, my ex’s new girlfriend basically told me that I don’t belong anymore and that none of my friends even care about me, nor have they ever cared about me before. I’m the ‘rich fat girl,’” I word-vomited. “Her words, not mine. Though I can’t really argue her point.”
Rhodes balled up his fists, but he didn’t say anything. He just kept his eyes on mine, waiting.
“Willow, my best friend, didn’t hear her say it. But Mason did. And he didn’t do anything about it.” My stomach tightened at the admission and I felt tears sting my eyes again, but I shook them off. “So I bailed. And I just wanted to feel okay, I wanted something to make me happy, so I went to get food. Like always. Even though I knew I’d regret it. And…” I trailed off. “Well, you know the rest.”
He seemed to chew on what I’d just told him, his jaw flexing beneath his flawless skin. It was peppered with just the slightest hint of stubble, which worked with the shadow from his hat to frame his jaw in the low light. “You shouldn’t hang out with people who treat you like that, Natalie.”
I shrugged, untucking my legs from my arms and pulling them up under me to sit crisscross style, instead. “My friends aren’t the ones doing it. It’s Shay.”
“But like you said, Mason didn’t stop her. And did anyone else?”
I didn’t respond.
“Exactly. Don’t let these people make you feel like this, Bug. Not them, not anyone else. I know it seems like what they think about you matters right now, but it doesn’t.” He bent down a little lower, trying to get me to look at him. “Remember what I said in the gym after you reamed me out?”
“Hey! I didn’t
ream you out
. I yelled at you. And you deserved it.”
He chuckled, the noise low and throaty. “The point is, I push you because I believe in you. So when they get in your head, just think about that. Maybe it’s time to start believing in yourself, too.”
I could smell the faint scent of mint on his breath as it hit my skin, sparking a wave of chills. I didn’t know what else to say about me, so I turned it around to focus on him. “Was that your girlfriend last night?”
He sighed, leaning back and scrubbing his hands down his face just as the oven timer sounded. “Don’t, Natalie.”
I frowned as he moved from the couch back into the kitchen. “What? I’m not allowed to ask?”
“Not when you know the answer.”
I chewed my cheek, standing and moving to the other side of the kitchen island so I could watch him finish dinner. Or breakfast. Whatever you consider food after midnight to be. “But that’s just it,” I corrected him. “I don’t. Not really.”
Rhodes carefully removed the pan from the oven and set it on top of the stove. “She’s not my girlfriend, Bug. None of them are. They’re my clients.”
I shook my head, the word
client
sending a familiar yet uneasy zing through my chest. “What? Did they pay for the platinum package to get that kind of extra time?” I scoffed. “Remind me to change my membership before our next training session. Don’t want to be missing out on the perks.” I cringed a little at my words, shocked that they came from my mouth.
Rhodes was plating our food but my words halted him, too, his hands dropping down to grip the handle of the oven hard. I watched as his knuckles turned white and he hung his head, shaking it just slightly. I almost spoke again when he silenced my sass with a loud slam of his hand on the counter. The force shook our plates and he rushed toward me, pinning my hips to the counter with his own before I even comprehended what was happening. He was flush against me, and he snaked his hands into my wind-blown hair like he owned me. “Is this what you want, Natalie?” His tongue licked his bottom lip before he drug his teeth across the tender flesh. I watched fascinated, my breath caught in my throat. “You want me to kiss you in the hot tub? Touch you in the sauna?” His voice was low but gruff, each question laced with lust I’d never experienced before. He flexed his hips forward and I inhaled stiffly. “Fuck you on the treadmill?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t
breathe
, let alone form words. Rhodes stayed there a moment, his body now firmly between my legs, his hands still grasping my neck. He swallowed, his fervent eyes falling to my lips briefly before he released his hold and backed away.
I exhaled the moment he did, oxygen finding me in a rush. It felt like my first breath and my last one, too.
“What if I did want those things?” I murmured, surprising myself more than him, I was sure. “It wouldn’t matter, would it? I’m not hot enough. I’m not skinny enough…” my voice trailed off. “I’m not like them.”
“Why don’t you get it?” he growled roughly, reaching into the cabinet above the stove before slamming it closed again. He turned to me then and his eyes were piercing, like the sharpest blade slicing right through my fragile defense. Suddenly, and for the first time in my life, I felt small. “You’re right. You’re
not
like my other clients. Them?” He gestured in the direction of the door, his voice raised. “They don’t have goals. They’re selfish, greedy, and entitled. They sign up for sessions with me so they have a solid excuse when they want to dip out on their rich ass husbands to come fuck me.” He slammed his hand against his chest when he referenced himself and I flinched at his honesty. Rhodes swallowed. He knew he’d struck a nerve, but he kept going.
“I’m not a good person, okay? I train and screw around with other people who are just as shitty as I am.” He moved closer, his palms flattening out on the counter in front of me as his eyes leveled with mine. “That’s why when you walked into the gym, I couldn’t figure out why.”
Breath was a fleeting thing.
“Why? Because I’m the only one who’s actually fat?” I whispered. I was certainly more overweight than those other women I’d seen him with. I waited for him to scold me, or roll his eyes, or sigh, but he just watched me. He studied me. And then, his eyes softened.
“You’re not, Natalie. You,” he paused, lifting his hat to run his hands through his hair before pulling it back on again. “You’re weightless. The world hasn’t touched you yet. You’re not heavy with the weight of pain, and guilt, and selfishness.” He shook his head, biting his lower lip in that same way that made my skin heat just moments before. “You’re
light
. Don’t ever lose that. Don’t let the world weigh you down like them.” He shifted, looking away. “Like me.”
With that, he turned back to the stove and finished plating our dinner, effectively ending our conversation while his words still swirled in my head. We moved back to the couch and again I found myself hugging the arm. I had so many questions. What had weighed him down? Why did he think this was his only path in life? How many women did he sleep with? Did he like it? But he was done talking about it, I knew that, so I changed the subject again.
“You made us muffins?” I asked when he clicked on the TV.
“They’re corn dog muffins. Eighty calories each.” I smiled at his thoughtfulness and he shrugged, the flickering light of the television dancing across his face. “You wanted fair food, so I’m giving it to you. Just modified.”
I just smiled harder, even though I knew I probably looked like an idiot. When I noticed a change in Rhodes’ breathing, my smile melted. His eyes flickered to my lips momentarily, but he looked away so fast I almost questioned if I’d seen it.
“Thank you, Rhodes. For tonight. For… everything, really.”
He shifted. “I didn’t do much.”
“It’s a lot, to me.”
I noticed his Adam’s apple bob in his throat, but he just nodded. We watched the sports channel he’d pulled up and ate our midnight snack in quiet. It was mouthwatering and delicious and I had a hard time not eating five-hundred calories worth of those low-calorie muffins. I made sure to tell him that at least eight times before we walked out to his bike. It was almost two in the morning, but I felt wide awake.
He drove slower on the way to my house than he had earlier on the way to his. The night air was warm, but the wind was cool, and the moon was bright enough to light our way without his headlight. I didn’t know what to make of what he’d said earlier or of what he’d done for me, so I tried not to dwell on it, but my mind was racing as fast as the bike. My heart was beating fast, my mouth was dry, and I felt myself leaning closer and closer to an edge I wasn’t sure I was prepared to fall over.
When we pulled up to my drive, he cut the engine and propped his bike up on the stand at the end of the road. My parents didn’t expect me until late, still, they
certainly
didn’t expect me to arrive on the back of a motorcycle, so I had him pull over by our brick mailbox. Rhodes pulled my helmet off and chuckled as I tried to tame my hair. When I sighed and gave up, he held his smirk.
“Can I ask you something before you go?”
He leaned back, half-sitting on his bike seat and crossing his arms over my helmet. His eyes took on an entirely new appearance in the light of the moon. They were darker, yet the green still shone through the night. “You and your questions.”
I blushed, but asked anyway. “Your sister…” He stiffened, and I almost didn’t ask, but I couldn’t hold the words back. “You said she
was
pretty. Is she… did they never… what does that mean?”
His jaw tensed. “She’s dead.”
Two words. He said them so unflinchingly, like they didn’t hold the weight that they did. I knew I probably should have said I was sorry for his loss, but Rhodes didn’t strike me as someone who would want to hear that. It wasn’t personal, it wasn’t sincere — it was laced with bullshit that I didn’t want to feed him. So, I asked another question.
“What happened?” I shook my head. “I mean, I know, kind of. I remember when she… when they said she was missing.”
Rhodes wouldn’t look at me. He would look up toward the sky, to the left down the road, down at his sneakers — but never at me. “She just disappeared. We drove to school together, I saw her at lunch, then again right before weightlifting practice, but she never came home that night.”
I gulped.
“What about your parents? Did they try looking for her?”
“I don’t have parents, Bug. We were in a home.”
My heart broke. It was all starting to make sense. “I know she disappeared, but how do you know she’s dead? Did they… did they find her?” I felt sick even asking, and I couldn’t bring myself to add
body
to the end of that question.
“They never found her.” He breathed slowly. “I don’t know for sure that she’s dead, but I have to believe she is.”
“Why?”
He shrugged, and his eyes finally met mine again. There was a pain there that was indescribable, a pain I knew I could never fully understand. “Because it’s better than the alternative.”
I bit my lips against the tears threatening the back of my eyes. I didn’t have the right to cry. “I’m sorry, Rhodes,” I whispered.