Of course, St. Augustine’s wasn’t in a town that had bus transportation to my school. So even though I was paid through the semester, I had to switch schools. And I couldn’t even get the money refunded, because it was past the withdrawal period. To make matters even worse, I was only given ten minutes of phone time a night, and I wasn’t allowed to have a cell phone. So keeping in touch with Jenna and Brad had been difficult.
Fortunately my new school had a half day – one of those teacher professional days. After I got out of school, I took the public bus – actually several buses – to get to my old school. Thanks to all the bus transfers, by the time I arrived their full day of school was just letting out. I couldn’t wait to see their faces, but my welcome didn’t go quite as I expected it to.
I waited by the east exit knowing that both Jenna and Brad would come out that way. Jenna had chemistry last period and Brad had math. I knew that both rooms were closest to this exit. Jenna came out first, laughing with our friends Bridget and Sarah.
As soon as Jenna saw me, she stopped short and did a double take. “Oh my gosh, Brett! What are you doing here?” she blurted out in surprise.
“I had a half day and figured I’d come and visit, seeing as you haven’t been able to visit me yet,” I chirped brightly and smiled ear-to-ear. Seeing her was so worth the endless rides on smelly public buses.
“You should have said something,” she stammered. “I already have plans that I can’t change.” I couldn’t help but notice the unsettled look on her face.
“Oh. I didn’t think it would be a problem, and I wanted it to be a surprise.” I shrugged apologetically, and waited for Jenna to say something. She certainly looked surprised, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t exactly happy to see me. In fact, she looked downright uncomfortable; her eyes looked everywhere but at me. And what was up with the looks Bridget and Sarah were exchanging? “Okay, Jenna, what gives? What’s up?”
“N-nothing. Nothing’s up,” she insisted as she turned and started to head toward the parking lot, wrapping her arm around my shoulder to herd me in the same direction.
I shrugged her arm off of me and stopped, rooted to my spot. She continued to walk. “Then why can’t you even look me in the eye? You only do that when you’re lying or hiding something,” I called after her. She stopped, turned, and glared daggers.
“I’m sorry you didn’t call ahead of time, but that’s no excuse to start insulting me. Just because you moved away doesn’t mean I’ve stopped having a life.” Her voice was cold and condescending. Now I was even more confused. It was the voice she usually used to mock the fashionably challenged we’d see at the mall. She would rave about their outfit, and insist they tell her where they bought it, using the
exact
tone she’d just used on me.
Usually I would have backed down. I would have understood that something was bothering her, but not today. I’d had too much pain and loss over the last few weeks to be sympathetic. “Moved away?” I huffed. “Is that what you’re pretending happened to me? Are you
friggin
’ serious? After all that’s happened, I spend half of my day on busses, transferring around to get here, just to have you treat me like this? Just what the heck crawled up your butt and died?” I spat my frustration out at her. I noticed her roll her eyes, and I crossed my arms waiting to see what snappy retort she’d throw at me now.
But before she could respond, I got my answer. Walking out of the east exit, practically glued together, were Brad and Ava. As if to clarify any confusion I might still have had, Brad leaned down and kissed Ava as she ran her free hand over his chest.
“Oh!” I squeaked. I felt the blood drain out of my face.
Jenna followed my stare and blew out a loud sigh. “You really should have called,” she said flatly.
“I… I…
gotta
get out of here. I
gotta
go. I can’t deal with this right now.” I panted; I was starting to hyperventilate. My eyes darted, looking for somewhere, anywhere, to flee.
“Come on. I’ll give you a ride.” Jenna smiled a thin, sympathetic smile and motioned for me to follow her. I should have known what she was up to long before seeing Brad. Jenna can’t lie, and when she gets caught lying she becomes super defensive to the point of outright aggression; hence her behavior. In her unique, twisted Jenna way, she was trying to protect me.
“Can you punch your address into my GPS?” she asked as she unlocked her car.
Numbly, I got into the car and entered the address.
Once we were finally out of the parking lot and away from prying eyes, I let the waterworks flow.
Jenna pointed to a little travel pack of tissues, and waited patiently while I cried. As I started to calm down, between sobs, I complained, “It hasn’t even been two weeks, and I just talked to him last night. He didn’t say anything to me.” Then it dawned on me. “They looked awfully cozy with each other. Just how long has this been going on, anyway?” I asked hesitantly, not quite sure if I wanted the answer or not.
“A little bit,” Jenna answered without looking at me.
“How long?” I demanded, giving her a look that said I wouldn’t let her squirm out of this.
She let out a long, defeated sigh. “A little over a week.” Then she looked back at my face again. “Okay, fine; they first hooked up after the game against Windsor Academy,” she glumly admitted, and braced herself for my inevitable reaction.
“
Two days
! He waited just two days after I had to leave to be all over that slut! And all this time we’ve been talking, he’s been lying to me, leading me on. He hasn’t said a word about it. What did he think, that he’d make out with me whenever he finally decided to visit, and then go back to her?” My voice cracked as I redirected my fury. Jenna cringed away from my angry glare. “And you! Why didn’t you say something to me instead of letting me look like a fool?”
Regaining her composure, Jenna explained, “I didn’t say anything for the same reason he didn’t say anything. You’ve been through a lot, and we were waiting for you to figure it out.” Her tone sounded like a teacher, patiently trying to explain the obvious to a student.
“So you expected me to figure out that Brad is a cheating slime ball from the brief conversations I’m allowed each night? What, is there a specific tone of voice for that?” I shook my head in pain and confusion.
Jenna shook her head back at me. “No, that’s not what I mean. No one wanted to hurt your feelings. No one wanted to tell you that Brad was moving on, because we figured it was just a matter of time until you realized that you had to move on too.”
I wanted to slap the sympathetic look right off her face. “What the hell do you mean I ‘have to move on’?”
“Well you’re not really part of our world anymore, are you? You can’t really expect to have a relationship through the phone, and it’s not like you can just hang out whenever you feel like anymore. I mean, come on. You, yourself, said it took half a day’s worth of buses just to get here.” That teacher tone was back in her voice.
Ugh. She was really grating on my nerves. How dare she take his side? Then it occurred to me. The cold, cruel behavior today wasn’t just about protecting me from Brad. It had been there all along during the past two weeks. I’d just been too distraught and distracted to see it: a string of excuses about how driving out to visit me was impossible right now, cutting conversations short, and plenty of vague half-answers that left me feeling ignored.
I swallowed hard, determined to keep the hysterical laughter I felt creeping up at bay. I had been so very naive. “So you’re breaking up with me, is that it?”
“What? No. I wouldn’t break up for Brad. I’m just trying to explain to you what’s going on with him.” Jenna seemed confused, but behind that confusion was a look of guilt.
“No, not Brad.
You
!” My eyes narrowed as I accused her. “It seems like you’re the one who’s waiting for me to figure out that it’s time to move on. You’re the one who wants me to figure it out and leave
you
alone. So I’ll ask you again. Are you breaking up with me?” I felt myself shaking from the mixed emotions brought about by my realization, but I didn’t break my stare. I was determined to make her say the words out loud. I wasn’t going to let her weasel out of this friendship by letting it fade away over time.
“Okay, fine!” She threw her hands up in the air, then grabbed back onto the steering wheel. “You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I am. You need to figure out that we can’t be friends; not like we used to be. And you can’t expect me to set aside time every night just to sit and listen to you moan and complain about how much you miss how things were before. Things are never going to be the way they were. You’re never going to come back to school. We’ll never be college roommates, or pledge the same sorority together. It’s not going to happen. We’ll never be in the same circle again – if we ever were.”
Cutting her off, I spat, “What is that supposed to mean, ‘if we ever were’?”
“Oh, come on, Brett. We both know that the only reason you weren’t a complete loser and geek is because of me. If it wasn’t for me, you would have always had your nose buried in a book. You would have had absolutely no idea how to dress, or how to wear makeup, and would have never got the attention of any boys. I’m the only thing that kept you remotely popular. The sooner you figure that out, the better it will be for everyone.” Jenna’s voice had turned back to cold, condescending and cruel. It hurt, but at least I saw her clearly now. I had always known she had a mean streak, but being her friend I had never been the target of it before today, and so I had chosen to ignore it. But now I was no longer part of her crowd. I no longer fit into her level of prosperity or status, and, as a result, I was no longer worthy of her or her time. To her, I was no better than a fashion-impaired stranger.
“Arriving at final destination on right,” the GPS voice chimed.
“I’m so very, very sorry if listening to the pain of your childhood friend, who has lost everything and everyone she has ever known and cared about, is an inconvenience. And I’m so sorry our friendship has been such a burden for you.” Jenna pulled over to the curb and I swung my door open. “Do me a favor and let Brad know I won’t burden him any longer either.”
I got out of the car and paused. I wanted to say something poignant, something profound enough to cut her to the bone and make her regret just how much she’d hurt me, something that would haunt her throughout the rest of her miserable life – but when I opened my mouth, all I could utter was, “Go to hell.”
I slammed the door, turned and ran so she wouldn’t see me break down in tears.
That was when I knew I was truly alone in the world.
Halfway down the corridor, the nurse comes to an abrupt halt and turns left. I can tell the door is heavy by the way she has to strain to open it, and by the echoing thud it makes as it closes behind us. On the other side is another seemingly endless corridor. There’s only one difference between this and the last: both sides of this corridor are lined with doors, not just the left. Doors come one after another, hardly any space between them. Each door has a small window in it, but I intentionally keep my eyes averted from them. I’m too scared to examine them closer, too scared to think about what I might see inside.
Instead, I redirect my gaze to the nurse ahead of me. She has a strange gait. She doesn’t look like she’s walking oddly, but I can hear it in the echo of her footsteps against the metal floor. Instead of the normal
click-clack, click-clack
you would hear as she steps, heel first, then toe, I hear a
click-clack-scratch, click-clack
. Her right foot drags slightly. If I were wearing more than booties, both my feet would be making a dragging sound.
Soon I notice several more nurses ahead. They’re all standing in front of open doors, talking and busying themselves. An ominous feeling overtakes me, and I begin to second-guess myself. This is just too drastic a step. There must be other options that I haven’t considered, other solutions that are less extreme than this. After all, it was a bit of a snap decision, and I honestly haven’t given myself ample time to mull it over. Maybe if I explain that to the nurse, she’ll understand, and I can have some more time to make sure this is the right choice for me.
Talk about overreacting. When I got back to St. Augustine’s, everyone acted as if I had broken every possible rule that existed and that I had done it all intentionally. Okay, so yeah, I might have forgotten to tell anyone where I was going, but I was back by the afternoon curfew. No one had bothered to tell me that when school let out early, the curfew was earlier.
Apparently, though, intention and knowledge doesn’t matter when a rule is broken at St. Augustine’s. My television, phone, and computer privileges were revoked. To top it off, now I had to report back to the house immediately after school. There was no time limit on the punishment either. I would have to
earn
my privileges back. When I pointed out how much of my schoolwork was online, I was actually laughed at and told I should have thought about that before breaking the rules. Again I tried to point out that I wasn’t aware that I had been breaking any rules, but it didn’t matter. I had probably just kissed goodbye to any chance or hope I ever had of getting an academic or swimming scholarship.
Now, on top of it all, I’d been kept out of school and brought to the child services office. Just how much more punishment were they going to give for my unintentional infraction? I dropped my head into my hands, once again wishing that I would just wake up from this nightmare. It was clear I was no longer considered a responsible teenager from a loving, stable home, that could be trusted, and whose actions would always be given the benefit of the doubt. Now I was a parentless delinquent, never to be trusted and to be kept strictly in line.