Vanished (The Saved Series, A Military Romance) (11 page)

Abby walked around Dr. Blaney
’s office, running her hand over the chair back, taking in the bookcase on one wall filled with medical journals and all kinds of self-help books. She’d studied each of them many times, but if someone asked her to name the titles, she wouldn’t be able to remember what she’d seen.

“Abby
, you’ve been walking in circles for ten minutes. I can see you’re bothered by something,” Dr. Blaney said. He was still sitting behind his desk. He was the first man other than Eric that she had felt safe with. He watched her through dark-rimmed glasses. His thick, dark hair had rich waves and covered his ears. Eric would never have allowed his hair to grow that long. Even though he was well dressed in a multicolored sweater, well groomed, and wearing his thick gold watch, he wasn’t Eric, and Abby found herself comparing everything about them. Dr. Blaney was kind, and he’d helped Abby get to where she could walk out the door, breathe, and function like a normal person should.

“I had a visitor
,” she said. She kept walking, running her fingers over the spine of each of the books on the shelf, feeling the grooves.

“Oh, your husband again?”

Abby didn’t turn around. “No, Mary-Margaret,” she replied. When he didn’t answer, she glanced over her shoulder at him. “The woman who lives next door. I told you about her. My husband’s XO and best friend, she’s his wife. She was the one staying with me.”

“The woman who had you doubting yourself?”
he asked. She was surprised he’d said that.

“No
, she was protecting my children.”

He smiled then as if she
had said something funny. “I’m glad you understand that now,” he replied.

“Eric is furious with me. She was just trying to help me, I understand that now
. I don’t know what to do.” She kept walking across the room in a circle, taking in the deep green area rug and the diamond pattern of silvers and golds.

“Remember what I said
, Abby, about making sure there’s no stress in your life when you’re trying to heal?”

She’d heard him say that over and over but never really understood what he was saying
. She glanced at him as he watched her touch the back of the chair. She stared at the spot where she’d thrown her coat and the sack-like purse that held the money Mary-Margaret had tucked into her hand.

“Abby
, you seem agitated today.”

“I can’t sit
, or I think I’ll lose my mind. Mary-Margaret showed me pictures of my children.” Her mouth trembled, and she stopped walking, setting her hand on her hip. Her voice caught, and she sucked in a deep breath and let it out slow and easy.

“Charlie has gotten so big. Rachel
, she… her little front teeth that were coming in before, they were there.” Abby touched her mouth, her hand trembling.

“How did that make you feel
, seeing a picture of your children?”

A tear slipped out
. She wiped it away as she blinked rapidly. “How did that feel, are you kidding me? It hurt,” she cried out. “They’re my babies, and I can’t be there with them. I wanted to curl up and die. Is that what you want to hear?”

He moved forward in his chair. “Abby
, are you having thoughts of suicide?”

“Oh
, that would be the easy way out, wouldn’t it? End all my misery. No, it’s the thought of my children in my head that has gotten me through this nightmare. I feel the heat of hell burning around me, but I see their faces, and Eric, in my mind, and I hold that picture there. I love them so much. I don’t know how to get back to them.”

He was watching her, studying her
, and she knew he was concerned. She’d learned to read faces. Even though she was positive Dr. Blaney thought he had the best damn poker face there was, he didn’t. Seyed did. His people did. She breathed out all that hatred and shut her eyes to get the thought of him out of her head. He had been there for too long. “Get out of my thoughts,” she whispered.

“Abby?”
Dr. Blaney said, and she heard him slide back his chair

She opened her eyes as she saw Dr. Blaney approach
ing. “Seyed. I don’t want him in my head anymore. He’s taken so much from me. He’s taken my happiness, my children, my husband! He took my innocence.…” She was out of breath as she shouted.

“Then you need to take it back
,” he said. He stood in front of her and gestured with his hand for her to sit on the sofa. She went to the corner where her things were and sat down, curling her legs up under her.

“Mary-Margaret also told me Eric is moving on. I think he met someone, another woman.” She tried to blink back the tears.

Dr. Blaney handed her the box of tissues. She grabbed a handful and blew her nose. “Abby, if you want your family back, your husband, then you have to be honest with yourself and with Eric. You need to let him in.”

“But I don’t know what to do. Please
, tell me what to do!” she cried.

“Take a look in the mirror
, and look at yourself. You need to forgive yourself. You need to tell yourself it’s okay. You need to learn to love the image looking back at you, because it’s the only one you’ve got. You need to love yourself again. You need to talk to him.”

“What if he won’t talk to me?” She shoved her fingers to her lips and then chewed on the side of her fingernail.

“Then at least you tried,” he said.

“That was wonderful. Where
did you learn to cook curry like that?” Terri asked as she reached for Eric’s plate at the kitchen table.

“No
, sit down,” he said, taking her plate. “You got the kids to bed—I’ll clean up. You enjoyed it?”

“
It was so good,” she said. “So, you didn’t answer me. Where did you learn to cook like that?”

“I was stationed many years ago down in Panama, and the cook down there at one of the bars we went to could turn out these incredible curry dishes
. The fragrance would have your mouth watering, but he couldn’t cook a burger if his life depended on it. Got him to show me, and it stuck with me.” Eric rinsed off the plates and stuffed them in the dishwasher.

Terri set the bowl of
leftover chicken curry and fragrant rice on the counter. He took in what she was wearing: a lovely black shirt with a scoop neck, showing off a hint of cleavage, with black slacks and gold hoop earrings. She was even wearing a hint of makeup, nothing dramatic, just enough shadow on her eyelids to really enhance the blue to something soft and warm. Before he realized what he was doing, he leaned down and set his lips on hers, tasting her. She was so soft as he pulled away, taking in the way her eyes had fluttered shut and then open, watching him with such honesty. She reached up and slid her hand over his cheek, and he knew she was offering herself to him.

“You know I’m
still married,” he said. He pulled away, watching her reaction, but she didn’t pull a face or blanch. She did color slightly and lower her eyes.

“I hope you don’t think I’m some woman who chases after married men
?” She flicked her gaze back to him.

“I don’t think that, not at all. I like you
, Terri, and I’m comfortable with you.”

She stepped back.
“Comfortable, not really a word a girl wants to hear,” she said. By her voice, he could tell she was uncertain.

Eric was wearing blue jeans and
a pressed blue checkered shirt. They were new, as Abby had bought them for him last Christmas and he’d only worn them once. “I’m going to be really honest,” he said. “I’m not in love with you, and I don’t want to feel that way again. I can’t go down that road. I think of you as a friend, and I trust you. Can that be enough for you?” He crossed his arms and waited, watching the mirage of emotions flickering across her face.

“What if I think I’m falling in love with you?”
she asked, setting the honesty of the answer between them. Nothing was hidden from him.

“
That would be a mistake,” he said. He started to turn away from her when she set her hand on his arm.

“What if I say it can be enough
?” she said.

He watched her for a second and then another
as her chest rose and fell with each breath she took. He slid both his hands over her cheeks and into her hair, leaning in and covering her mouth with his. She opened for him, and he tasted her, all of her. He held her face to his as he angled his head to take the kiss deeper, and he turned her around, pressing her against the counter. Her hands were around him, sliding up his back, kneading into his shoulder blades and then sliding lower.

Eric ran his hand
s down her arms and then around her back, over the silky feel of her pants and the tightness of her ass. The woman worked out. He lifted her and set her on the counter, fitting between her legs, letting her wrap them around his waist, and he took her mouth again, kissing her as he carried her down the hall to his room and laid her on the bed.

Terri pulled off her shirt, and he took in the black lace bra that packaged her C
-cup breasts beautifully. He reached around and unhooked her bra, ripping it off and tossing it to the floor. He ran his hands over her breasts, one then the other, then skimmed her flat stomach. She was lovely.

H
e rolled over, lying on the bed beside her and resting his arm across his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said. It was all he could think to say. He was sorry, and he wanted nothing more than to strip her naked and spread her thighs, burying himself inside her and riding her over and over. He knew she wanted him, but there were too many reminders of Abby with them. She had left, but it was as if a part of her was still there.

“Did I do something wrong?”
she asked. He could hear the uncertainty in her voice.

H
e slid his hand up and looked over at her as he rolled to his side, tracing his hand over her belly and taking in her sumptuous breasts. As he watched her, he was positive he needed to have his head examined. He looked over at her lovely face, her eyes, and the anxiety he could see there. He slid his arm around her and pulled her against his chest, holding her. “No, you did nothing wrong,” he said.

“Eric
, do you want me to go?” she asked.

He could feel her looking up at him, and h
e let out a sigh. “No,” he replied. What he wanted to say was that he needed Abby to go, but he didn’t. He slid his hand over Terri’s silky skin, determined to push all thoughts of Abby from his mind. “Stay, just like this,” he said, and he held her to him, kissing her temple and feeling her warmth.

She didn’t know how long she
had stood outside in the dim afternoon light. The snow was falling lightly. The trees were bare, and winter white was everywhere. The light from her home, Eric’s home, where her children were, shone through the living room window. She had noticed the dark-haired woman the first time she walked past the window, holding her baby, smiling and bouncing him slightly on her hip. She had a beautiful smile. Seeing her there in her house nearly brought Abby to her knees. She choked back her sobs and could feel her heart bleeding inside. Her stomach ached, her chest, her whole being. She couldn’t put into words, standing out in the cold, what it was like watching someone else, another woman, taking over her role, her life, slipping in as if she was no one. It hurt to think she could be replaced that easily.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped
. Gasping, she slapped her bare hand to her mouth.

“Abby
, what are you doing out here?” Mary-Margaret was standing there, her dark coat unbuttoned.

“I
, uh… it took me all night to get up the nerve to come here. I had to take a good long look in the mirror, but I don’t want to lose my kids, my husband. I thought I’d talk to him,” she said. She breathed in and out, again and again. “That’s her, isn’t it, who you were talking about? You know, I met her. She was with Eric when he found me. I inadvertently threw my husband right into her arms.”

Mary-Margaret stood with her and looked
toward the now empty window. “Why don’t you come inside?” she asked. “You have to be freezing. That thin coat can’t be very warm.”

Abby shook her head. “I need to talk to him
, but I’m so afraid, and it’ll take everything I have in me to knock on that door. I just need a minute, please,” she said. She felt a warm hand take hers, and she looked at Mary-Margaret.

“Okay, well. There
’s one thing about Navy wives: We support each other. We have each other’s backs. We stand together. I’m going to hold your hand until you’re ready,” she said.

Abby couldn’t speak as she stood beside Mary-Margaret, holding her hand and
, for the first time, feeling as if she had someone in her corner. That tiny gesture meant more than anything. She took a shaky breath and felt the courage she needed to let go and put one foot in front of the other. She stopped halfway up the sidewalk and said, “Thank you.”

Mary-Margaret just watched her and offered a tiny smile of encouragement
, waving her hand. “Go!”

Abby did, all the way up to the front door
. She took a deep breath and knocked, and she waited as she heard a woman say, “Coming!”

T
he door opened to reveal the dark-haired woman holding her baby. The smile on the woman’s face faltered. Of course she knew who she was. She glanced down with a worried look at Charlie.

“Oh my
God, he’s getting so big,” Abby said. She smiled at her son. She wanted to reach out for him to hold him, but then she heard Eric:

“Who’s there
, Terri?”

He
appeared behind her, his dark hair freshly clipped, wearing a blue sweater that was snug and showed off his chest and solid arms, the ones she loved feeling around her. They’d always kept the nightmares away, made her feel safe, until those nightmares found a way to break through the wall she’d carefully put up to box them in.

He was staring at her
, and then he looked down at Terri and she up at him. “Take Charlie into the bedroom,” he said. Then he stood in the doorway, staring down at her with the hard and unforgiving expression he could, at times, give people. She’d never experienced that coldness, but she’d seen it once before, and it hurt that he felt that way for her now.

“Could I talk to you, please?”
she said.

He looked over his shoulder
. “Can you take Rachel in the bedroom, too?” he asked Terri. He waited and then stepped back, gesturing for Abby to come in. He shut the door and then crossed his arms in front of him, waiting. He wasn’t going to make this easy, and Abby had to dig deep to find her voice.

“I’m sorry
,” she said.

He didn’t say a word.

“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?” She swallowed the lump and glanced away for a second as she felt the dampness in her eyes. She wiped them roughly.

“Abby, what do you want?”

“Could I see Charlie and Rachel?” She cleared her throat when her voice faltered.

“No
,” he said. His stance was firm, and there wasn’t anything forgiving in him.

She nodded. “I never stopped loving you,
and I love them.”

He shut his eyes and shook his head. “I can’t do this with you. You left. I found you
, and I would have done anything to help you. You left our children. You left me,” he growled as he leaned in, his eyes sparking with fury.

Abby didn’t flinch. There was something about his anger that gave her strength. “You’re right about all of it
. What I did was unforgivable, and if I had been in my right mind, I would never have done that to my children. You’re right about when you found me, but I was terrified, and I love my kids so much, and you, too, that I couldn’t come back. Being messed up and living in that nightmare in my head, I couldn’t bring it around them.”

“So why are you here now
? Are you cured all of a sudden?” he snapped.

His words
hurt, but she was determined to get him to understand. She hoped he would, anyway, or at least hear her out.

“No
,” she said. “I’d be lying to you if I said I was, but I’m learning to deal with it, to pull myself out of it. It was you and Rachel and Charlie who kept me sane. Holding you in my head, in my heart, got me this far.”

He looked away as if
he was irritated, and she noticed the twitch in his cheek. Of course he was angry. She reached out to touch his arm, and he stepped back far enough that she couldn’t. She allowed her hands to fall to her side.

“I love you so much
. I never wanted to hurt you. Eric, would you come to my next session with Doctor Blaney?” she asked. Maybe if she had asked him to go to the moon with her, he’d have been less shocked. “Please, Eric, I’m begging you.”

“Why
, Abby? Why do you want me there? What is this all about?” he said. He stepped to the side and glanced behind him, down the hall, when Charlie started fussing. Even after all this time, her heart hurt as she listened, and she felt the pull as if milk still filled her breasts. She listened to the woman inside hushing him and then humming to him. That should have been her holding her baby, nursing him, loving him. She set her hands over her breasts to hold them. Her face was wet. When she looked up at Eric, she thought something had softened… or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

“Please
, Eric. Tomorrow at one,” she said. She didn’t wait for him to shut her down, to say no one more time. She didn’t have anything left in her to beg of him, so she pulled open the door and stepped out, shutting it behind her. She stepped down on shaky legs, seeing Mary-Margaret striding up the walkway, holding out her arms. Abby went into them.