Where Adult and Perinatal Experiences Merge
In addition to all the above aspects, BPM I also has very interesting associations with memories from postnatal life. The positive aspects of this matrix represent a natural basis for recording all experiences of satisfaction from our lives (positive COEX systems). During systematic experiential work, people often discover deep connections between the oceanic ecstasy of BPM I and memories of happy periods of infancy and childhood, such as carefree and joyful play with peers or harmonious episodes from family life. Satisfying romances and love relationships with intense emotional and sexual gratification also become associated with positive fetal periods. In deep experiential work, people frequently compare the oceanic ecstasy of a good womb with certain forms of rapture that we can experience as adults.
Many experiences associated with this matrix can be triggered by natural scenery of great beauty, such as the splendor of a gorgeous sunrise or sunset, the peaceful majesty of the ocean, the breath-taking grandeur of a snow-capped mountain range, or the mystique of the northern lights. Similarly, pondering the unfathomable mystery of the star-filled sky, standing beside a giant Sequoia tree thousands of years old, or witnessing the exotic beauty of tropical islands can evoke feelings that are very close to BPM I. Similar states of mind can also be initiated by human creations of unusual aesthetic and artistic value, such as inspired music, great paintings, or spectacular architecture of an ancient palace, cathedral, or pyramid. Images such as these often spontaneously emerge in sessions governed by the first perinatal matrix. While positive experiences in our adult life can bring us in touch with the memories of the good womb, negative experiences are capable of putting us in touch with intrauterine distress. Here, for example, we might find the experiences of gastrointestinal discomfort of food poisoning or a hangover, or the malaise associated with a viral infection. Polluted air and water, as well as ingestion of various forms of intoxicants, are additional factors. Indirectly, images of spoiled and contaminated nature, industrial dumps, and junkyards, can have the same effect. Experiences of scuba diving represent a very powerful reminder of the situation in the womb. The innocent beauty of a coral reef with thousands of colorful tropical fish can reawaken the feelings of the oceanic ecstasy of the womb. In the same way, diving in murky and polluted water and encounters with undersea dangers can re-create the psychological situation in the bad womb. Judged from this perspective, we have certainly succeeded in the last few decades to shift the entire biosphere of our planet considerably in the direction of the bad womb.
A New Phase Begins
Whatever the experiences in the womb, the time arrives when this situation must come to an end. The fetus must undergo the phenomenal transition from a symbiotic aquatic organism to an entirely different form of existence. Even with the smoothest deliveries, this has to be viewed as a major ordeal, a true heroic journey, associated with considerable emotional and physical challenges. As the delivery begins, the child's universe within the womb is severely disturbed. The first signs of this disturbance are fairly subtle, coming in the form of hormonal influences. However, they become increasingly dramatic and mechanical with the onset of uterine contractions. The fetus begins to experience intense physical discomfort and a situation of extreme emergency. With the early signals of the beginning of the birth process, the fetal consciousness is introduced to an entirely new set of experiences quite different from what it has known up to this time. These are the experiences that are associated with BPM II—the loss of the amniotic universe and the engagement in the birth process. This phase of the early drama of life is the subject of the next chapter.
3.
E
XPULSION FROM
P
ARADISE
—BPM II
"My bodily sufferings were so intolerable that, though in my life I have
endured the severest sufferings of this kind, none of them is of the smallest
account by comparison with what I felt then, to say nothing of the know
ledge that they would be endless and never ceasing. And even these are
nothing by comparison with the agony of my soul, an oppression, a suffoc
ation, and an affliction so deeply felt, and accompanied by such hopeless
and distressing misery, that I cannot too forcibly describe it."
—St. Teresa of Avila,
Life
Soon after the session began, he found himself entering the carefree world of a satisfied infant. All his perceptions, feelings, and sensations were infantile. The experience was incredibly real and authentic; he was even salivating and burping and his lips were making involuntary sucking movements. Every once in a while, this was interspersed with scenes from the world of adults, most of which were full of tension and conflict. The contrast between the simple world of the child and the difficulties of the adult age was painful, and it seemed to connect him with a deep craving to return to his primal infantile happiness. He saw images of religious and political gatherings with throngs of people seeking comfort in various organizations and ideologies. He suddenly understood what they were really seeking; they were following an inner longing, the same craving he felt in relation to the primal experience of oceanic ecstasy that he had known in the womb and on his mother's breast.
The atmosphere seemed increasingly ominous and fraught with hidden danger. It seemed that the entire room started to turn and he felt drawn into the very center of a threatening whirlpool. He had to think about Edgar Alan Poe's chilling description of a similar situation in "A Descent into the Maelstrom." As the objects in the room seemed to be flying around him in a rotating motion, another image from literature emerged in his mind—the cyclone that in Frank Baum's
Wonderful Wizard of Oz
sweeps Dorothy away from the monotony of her life in Kansas and sends her on a strange journey of adventure. There was no doubt in his mind that his experience also had something to do with entering the rabbit hole in
Alice in Wonderland,
and he awaited with great trepidation what world he would find on the other side of the looking glass. The entire universe seemed to be closing in on him and there was nothing he could do to stop this apocalyptic engulfment.
As he was sinking deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of his own unconscious, he felt an onslaught of anxiety, turning to panic. Everything became dark, oppressive, and terrifying. It was as if the weight of the whole world was encroaching on him, an incredible hydraulic pressure that threatened to crack his skull and reduce his body to a tiny compact ball. The discomfort he felt turned to pain and the pain increased to agony; the torture intensified to the point where every cell in his body felt like it was being bored open with a diabolic dentist's drill.
The Engulfing Womb
The above account illustrates how an adult might relive the onset of the birth process. It also shows how the memory of being expulsed from the womb and sent out to face the difficulties of the birth canal might merge with adult situations that share with it certain important qualities. The biological basis for BPM II is the termination of life in the womb and the encounter with uterine contractions. Initially, the changes are predominantly chemical; later they take on a mechanical character. The delivery is heralded by hormonal signals and other chemical shifts in the organism of the mother and child; these are soon followed by the intense muscular activities of the uterus.
The same womb that throughout the normal pregnancy was relatively peaceful and predictable, is now engaging in strong periodic contractions. The entire world of the fetus is closing in and crushing it, causing anxiety and great physical discomfort. Each contraction compresses the uterine arteries and interferes with the flow of blood between the mother and the fetus. This is a very alarming situation for the fetus, since it means interruption of the supply of the life-giving oxygen and nourishment, as well as the severing of meaningful connections with the maternal organism. At this time, the uterine cervix is still closed. The contractions, closed cervix, and the unfavorable chemical changes combine to create a painful and lifethreatening environment from which the fetus can sense no possibility of escape. It is no wonder that death and birth are so closely related in this matrix.
The time spent in this difficult, no exit situation varies widely from person to person. For some it might be minutes, for others many hours. Feeling stuck is a normal occurrence before the cervix is open, but occasionally the birth process can get arrested in later stages and does not proceed as it should. There are any number of reasons for this to happen. The mother's pelvis might be too narrow, the uterine contractions ineffective, or the placenta can block the uterine opening. On occasion, the child is excessively large or lies in an abnormal position that is not conducive to a smooth birth. All these circumstances make birth longer and more difficult; this clearly has a more traumatic impact on the infant than an easy, normal delivery. And, of course, all these factors will find a direct expression in experiential sessions, during which a person relives his or her birth.
The biological events are not the only factors that determine our experience of this matrix. Reports from people in therapy sessions and workshops indicate that we may also relive the fear and confusion of an inexperienced mother or the mother's negative or strongly ambivalent attitude toward the child; these can make this phase more difficult for both mother and child. It seems that the mother's conflicting emotions can disturb the physiological interplay between the uterine contractions and the opening of the cervix. This can interfere with the delivery, prolong it, and introduce a variety of complications into the natural dynamics of the birth process.
Caged in a Hostile World
Subjectively, reliving the onset of delivery brings intense anxiety and a sense of imminent and vital threat. It seems as if our entire universe is in danger, but the source of this menace remains mysterious, eluding our efforts to identify it. Because the initial changes are chemical in nature, they may feel like a disease or intoxication. In the extreme, the person may feel paranoid or under some insidious attack. In an effort to find an explanation, he or she might attribute the ominous feelings to poisons, electromagnetic radiation, evil forces, secret organizations, or even extraterrestrial influences. The spontaneous emergence of memories involving intrauterine disturbances or of the onset of the delivery from the womb, seems to be among important causes of paranoid states.
As these threatening experiences continue and deepen, the person may have a vision of a gigantic whirlpool and feel in the middle of it, being drawn relentlessly to its center. It might also seem that the earth has cracked open and is swallowing the involuntary adventurer into the dark labyrinths of a terrifying underworld. Another variation of the same feelings may come as a sense of being devoured by an archetypal monster or entangled by a fantastic octopus or a huge tarantula. The experience can have fantastic proportions, as if not just a single individual, but the entire world were being engulfed. The general atmosphere is that of an apocalyptic event that destroys the peaceful intrauterine world and changes the oceanic and cosmic freedom of the fetus into agonizing entrapment and a sense of being overwhelmed by unknown external forces.
A person experiencing a fully developed BPM II feels caged, caught in a claustrophobic, nightmarish world. The visual field is dark and ominous and the general atmosphere is that of unbearable emotional and physical torture. At the same time, the connection with linear time is completely lost and whatever is happening seems eternal, as if it will never end. Under the influence of BPM II, one is tuned selectively into the worst and most hopeless aspects of human existence; one's psyche becomes acutely aware of and preoccupied with the darkest, ugliest, and most evil aspects of the universe. Our entire planet appears to be an apocalyptic place, filled with terror, suffering, wars, epidemics, accidents, and natural disasters. At the same time, it is impossible to see any positive aspects of human life, such as love and friendship, artistic and scientific achievements, or natural beauty. In this state, one sees beautiful children playing with each other and thinks of them as growing old and dying, or is shown a magnificent rose and imagines how within several days it would wilt.
BPM II connects people in an almost mystical sense with the suffering of the world and makes them feel identified with the victimized, downtrodden, and oppressed. In deep non-ordinary states governed by this matrix, we can actually experience ourselves as the thousands of young men and women who died in all the wars in human history. We may identify with all the prisoners who ever suffered or died in the dungeons, torture chambers,
concentration camps, or insane asylums of the world. Among frequent themes associated with this matrix are scenes of starvation and famine, as well as the discomfort and danger that come from freezing cold, ice, and snow. This seems to be related to the fact that the contractions interrupt the blood supply to the child—the blood that means nourishment and warmth. Another typical aspect of BPM II is the atmosphere of the dehumanized, grotesque, and bizarre world of automata, robots, and mechanical gadgets. The images of human monstrosities and sideshow freaks, as well as the meaningless cardboard world of the honky-tonk also belong to the characteristic symbolism of the second matrix.
BPM II is accompanied by very distinct physical manifestations. These involve tension throughout the body and a posture that expresses a sense of being stuck and/or of futile struggle. One can feel extreme pressures on the head and body, heaviness on the chest, and different combinations of intense physical pains. The head is bent forward with the jaws locked and chin pressed into the chest, the arms are often folded on the breasts, with hands clenched firmly into fists. Often the knees are bent and the legs flexed completing the picture of a fetal position. There can be congestion of blood in the skin capillaries and red blotches can appear in different parts of the body.