Untaming Lily Wilde (38 page)

Of course you are.
The name suited him down to a T. "Lily."

"Well let me know if I can be of any assistance, Lily. Anything you need to know, or - well - if you'd just like to wait twenty minutes the artist is due to come by so -"

"No." She said it slightly too abruptly and Tarquin visibly flinched. "Sorry. It's just... It's just I've got a couple of other exhibitions to cram in this afternoon."

"I see," he nodded.

You really don't.

Clearly crestfallen, he began shuffling some loose papers on the glass-top desk. "Anything exciting?”

“Not really.” She hated to come across as unfriendly. Poor Tarquin was falling victim to her knife-edge nervousness. “Sorry to be rude,” she said, “but actually, I’d probably best come back another time; I’m running late.” She started toward the door, knowing full well there’d be no other time. She’d be writing up this review based on the catalogue alone; not overly professional but sod it.

“Well, that’s a pity, but I'll be sure to tell Seb you called by. He'll be delighted."

What could she say -
don’t tell him?
She smiled helplessly at Tarquin and headed for the door, a fire burning through her cheeks. She needed to leave. Now.

She’d not taken more than a dozen rushed strides when she realized she no longer had Justin’s decrepit A to Z. Oh hell, she thought. She wasn’t going back to The Foley Gallery for love nor money, so she’d have to rely on her memory for directions, and she’d have to buy Justin a new A to Z. He needed a new one anyway. Luckily, Charlotte Street was practically on Rathbone Place’s doorstep, and the gallery wasn’t exactly trying to blend into the background. One of Georgiana Jensk’s mud statues, a woman with arms stretched wide, stood outside the gallery, beckoning in passersby. Lily wondered what the gallery did with the statue when it rained. Did they leave it there to deteriorate. Was that part of the art? She’d have to ask them.

Her pulse began to find it’s regular beat again as she weaved through Jensk’s meticulously crafted sculptures. The work absorbed her, pulled her out of her own head and into a world of blending bodies and twisting mud branches. Lily pulled out her notebook and pen. If she didn’t get down some of her initial impressions now, the magic would be lost in her final write-up. She was made for this job; as she jotted down her notes, she couldn’t help but thrill at the knowledge that people would visit the show based on her recommendation, her words.

Utterly engrossed, she made her way to the far wall, and stopped in front of a triptych; three clay hands hanging side by side on the wall, each unfurling a little more to reveal the seeds held in their palms.

“Lily.”

The voice behind her stilled her thoughts, her breath, her body. She was a statue too. Utterly immobile. Seb.

For a split second she was entirely motionless, unable to turn round and face him.

Then, when eventually she turned, the opposite was true; his eyes pulled at hers like magnets and she could no more have looked away than she could have defied gravity.

"You forgot these," he said. Her peripheral caught a flash of red and white. She took the A to Z and the note from his hands without dropping her gaze. The note... all the information he'd needed to find her.

"I missed you," she said. At least, it sounded like her voice and her lips were moving, but the words had floated into being without any conscious thought on Lily's part. It was the truth though. She missed him. How she missed him. She'd managed to stay away from him for so long; had stayed strong each time doubt raised its head to mock her resolve. And now? Now she wanted nothing more than to launch herself into his kiss and never come up for air. She couldn't trust herself anymore. Her instincts were wonky.

"Missed you too. You could have called," he said, but Lily's expression seemed to stop that line of thought. "I guess not."

She swallowed. "I wanted to."

"I get it. I don't like it, but I do understand. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't forgiven me either."

And that was all the confirmation she needed. Wonky instincts or not, any fool could see Seb was carrying a world of guilt. She'd had no right to put this all on him. It wasn't his fault. She knew that now. It was like the dirt and grime which had dulled her thinking for the past few months had been neatly squeegeed away.
It wasn't his fault
. There it was; the crystal truth, gleaming sharp and bright. Lily sighed, finally looking away.
If only it were enough. It wasn't his fault. It doesn't change anything.

"I - I shouldn't have blamed you. I was a bit messed up and - and it was easier to blame you... it made it easier to stay away. I'm sorry."

"No, you were right. For fuck sake; I got you to commit to six months of a lifestyle I wanted nothing more to do with. What kind of arrogant bastard behaves like that? I pushed you into it. I thought I knew best." From his tone you'd have thought he was just passing the time of day, but his words were loaded with regret, soft coated bullets tearing toward her heart.

He didn't understand. Was that really what he thought? He had it all wrong. She'd never once regretted her resolution. She might have questioned the wisdom in pursuing it once she'd hooked up with Seb, and yes, maybe he'd pushed his point too strongly. But as far as she was concerned, he'd been right. She'd wanted to experiment and she wasn't about to start regretting that decision.

She frowned at him, reaching her hand up to his face and brushing her thumb across his cheek bone. He covered her hand with his, inclining his head to inhale her touch. "This morning," Lily said, her voice a pale whisper, "I was thinking about you. Same thoughts as always. I was thinking maybe you knew how screwed up your friends were; thinking that maybe you trusted them out of recklessness because - because I wasn't worth that much to you. But - I think I got that wrong. I'm sorry."

He shifted her fingers to his lips, closing his eyes. She could get lost in the softness of that beautiful mouth, float away on a tide of technicolour memories; his lips, hungrily exploring every inch of her, his tongue tasting her, wanting her. She forced herself to pull away, folding her arms tight across her body in a bid to keep her impulses under control. She'd gone too far, had to be more careful. His eyes opened, his brow a tight knot.

“I don’t regret it, Seb. The six months thing. It was a good idea -
my
good idea. You just tweaked it a bit.” She was smiling despite herself.

“I fucked up.” Seb’s lips refused to smile.

“You did - ” Lily nodded, shaken by the clarity of her thoughts, “- a little. I fucked up
a lot
. We trusted the wrong people.”

A flicker of pain crossed his eyes. He nodded. “You trusted me.”

“I didn’t mean -” she started, but didn’t know how to finish her sentence. She hadn’t meant him. But
did
she trust him? Could she?

Seb’s eyes bore into Lily’s. His fingers entwined with hers, belonging there.

The temptation was too great. She moved in to him, reaching her free hand round to the back of his neck, feeling the smooth line of his hair, drawing him close. Their foreheads met. She felt the heat of him, breathing fast, his pulse racing in step with her own, and then she was kissing him, and everything else fell away. He pulled her closer still, tight against his chest, answering her hunger with his.

“I still want you, Lily,” he said. And at that moment she thought she could do it. Put the past behind her. Make Seb her present. Her future.

And then he shut down. His eyes closed. His lips drew into a firm line. “But I’m leaving.”

“Leaving…” the word taster bitter on her tongue. “Why?”

“Lily, you need to report what happened. I don’t think you’ll do that with me around. I don’t know why,” he said, shaking his head.

And there it was. The other reason she’d needed to stay away from Seb. She knew he’d do this; push for justice, when all she wanted to do was lay the past to rest. But he was right to push. Her conscience was tormented by a fat, ugly
‘what if’.
What
if Tom assaults someone else… She pushed that thought aside, as she had so many times during the past months.

“I’m moving to New York.”

“For
me
? More decisions made on my behalf? How chivalrous of you.” Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. The worst of it was, he
had
been the reason for her holding back. The idea of dragging Seb’s name through the mud sickened her. She wouldn’t do it. She’d blamed him for that too, she realised. Blamed him for the way she felt; caring more about Seb’s reputation than about doing what’s right. But that wasn’t his fault. It was hers.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She couldn’t look at him.

“Come with me.” His cool fingers stroked the tears from her cheeks.

They’d done this before, she remembered. This same conversation. She knew how it ended. She didn’t follow him to New York last time, and for different reasons her answer would be the same again.

She shook her head.
If only.
“When do you leave?”

To her horror, Seb glanced at his watch.

“Today?! What about your show?”

His jaw set firm. “It can run without me. There are - things - I need to take care of.”

Something was wrong. What
things
? She opened her mouth, ready to ask him, then faltered. His expression had hardened. He didn’t want to be asked.

“Are you… Is everything OK?” She said, half whispering.

He pulled her near again, closing his arms around her, breathing her in. “I’ll be fine,” he sighed. He didn’t sound fine.

“Promise me something,” Seb said, his fingers tangling in her hair. “Promise me you’ll think about it.”

Lily looked up, confused.

He rolled his eyes. “About moving to New York. You wouldn’t have to live with me - at first - not if you needed space. I could help you out with rent. And if it doesn’t work out with us, at least you won’t spend your life wondering,” he said. He lent in close so that his lips brushed her ear, and whispered four words which threatened to break her. “It
will
work out.”

How easy it would have been to just say
yes
. It would have been like breathing.
No
was harder.
No
was stopping your heart mid-beat and hoping it would start up again when you were ready to feel something again.

“I’ll think about it,” she said. “But I’ve got a life here -” she stopped herself. How could she explain the complexities of her reasoning? There was more at stake than she could possibly describe in words. She had to just hope he’d understand.

But later, alone with just the memory of that inadequate exchange for company, she wished she’d tried harder.

Those unspoken words taunted her. They splayed like a chasm between her and Seb. Like an ocean.

32

Wed, June 1st

I haven't written in here for months, not since 'it' happened. But now I have an ending. Seb is leaving. For good. It feels right that I should write the words, and finally bring my diary to a close. He’ll do well in New York. He’d be successful anywhere. It’s not about being born into money - at least I don’t think so. It’s the way he is. Full of fire. And he’s leaving.

He’s got his life, I’ve got mine. I have to calve out my own path and stop relying on other people to show me where to tread. I have a job I love and I’m strong. Stronger than I was. As I write this I know I’m trying to convince myself. I could so easily go with him.

Is it strength that keeps me here, or is it weakness? I’m scared to trust him. That much is true. I wish it weren’t. I wish I could give him the trust he deserves. I don’t blame him any more. So why can’t I trust him? I know the answer, though I don’t like to think it. I can’t trust. Not anymore. It’s like a little bit of my heart has set solid. I’m growing used to the feeling now. When he’s with me, I soften inside. He makes me vulnerable again. I can’t live that way anymore.

So goodbye diary. I’m sorry we didn’t make it through the year. But here it is - my final full stop.

Yours to the end,

Lily Wilde x

“Jesus, when did I become so damn serious?”
Lily sighed, reading back over her final diary entry.

Emma shot her friend a sympathetic look, and Lily instantly regretted asking. Enough of victim-Lily already. She’d moved on. Or had she? That report still hadn’t been filed.
What if…

“Em… I think I’m ready to talk to the police.” She watched as recognition washed across Emma’s face.

“Do you want me to come too?”

Lily nodded. It would be a hundred times easier with Em there. “Tomorrow morning?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

They sat in silence a while before Lily’s face broke into a smile.
I was wrong before. I can trust. I trust Em. I’m not broken, see? Not yet.