Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (8 page)

MEDIUM RARE.
Ercy Cardoso of Viamao, Brazil, was shot and killed in 2003. His girlfriend, Iara Barcelos, was charged with the crime but ultimately acquitted thanks to an unusual witness: a medium hired by Barcelos said Cardoso’s ghost appeared to him and dictated two letters swearing to Barcelos’s innocence. A spokesman for the court said the ghost’s testimony was accepted as evidence because the prosecution never registered an objection.

A spider sheds its skin as many as 15 times during its life.

THE AVRO ARROW

If you’re not from Canada, you’ve probably never heard of the Avro Arrow. If you
are
from Canada, you may never forget it. Here’s the story of the fastest plane that never was
.

H
ERE WE GO AGAIN

When the Soviet Union tested its first nuclear weapon in 1949, just four years after the end of World War II, it began to seem like the next world war, this time a
nuclear
war, might be just around the corner. The Soviets were also developing long-range bombers—could they be planning to attack Europe and North America?

Canada’s response to the new threat was to develop jet fighters that could intercept and destroy any Soviet bombers before they could attack their targets. The first such aircraft, a jet fighter named the Avro CF-100 Canuck, entered service in 1953. By then, however, the Soviets were already working on a new generation of jet-powered bombers, which would be able to fly higher and faster than any they’d built before. The Royal Canadian Air Force felt they needed a
supersonic
jet fighter to counter the Soviet threat.

DO IT YOURSELF

Specifically, the RCAF wanted a plane that could fly at Mach 1.5 (one and a half times the speed of sound), climb to 50,000 feet in less than five minutes, and fly for 300 nautical miles without refueling. It also had to be able to fly day or night in any kind of weather. There were no planes in existence or even on the drawing board that could meet those specifications, so in December 1953 the Canadian government awarded Avro Canada Ltd., the builder of the Canuck, a $27 million contract to begin work on developing just such a plane. When completed, it would be the fastest fighter plane ever built.

Building the Arrow, as the plane was called, was problematic from the start. Avro’s plan was to design the airframe and then buy the engines, the weapons systems, and the other major components from outside suppliers. But when its first and second choices for jet engines were both discontinued, Avro decided to design the engines in-house. The company encountered similar problems with its choices of missile and firing systems. All these setbacks caused the cost of the Arrow to soar, but the RCAF remained committed to the project. While this was happening, the Soviet Union detonated its first hydrogen bomb and rolled out two different kinds of jet-powered bombers. There was no time to waste—in 1955 the Canadian government awarded Avro a $260 million contract to build five test planes, followed by 35 production aircraft.

In 1912 the Giants and Yankees played a charity game to raise money for
Titanic
survivors.

TURNING POINT

Avro had never built a supersonic aircraft before, yet it managed to design and build one of the world’s most sophisticated aircraft in just under four years. It had accomplished a great deal in a very short period of time, but the timing couldn’t have been worse: On the very day that the first flyable prototype was rolled out in front of 12,000 spectators in October 1957, the Soviet Union sent Sputnik, the world’s first artificial Earth satellite, into space. If the Soviets were launching satellites, could nuclear-tipped missiles be very far behind? For a time, defense planners wondered if combat aircraft would become obsolete in the missile age. Meanwhile, the Arrow’s cost kept climbing.

Earlier that year, Canada and the United States had formed the North American Air Defense Command (NORAD) and they’d already began to coordinate their air defense. Cost: $270 million. NORAD’s air defense system called for using Bomarc nuclear-tipped antiaircraft missiles, not fighter planes, to intercept enemy bombers. Could Canada afford both missiles
and
fighters?

In September 1958, the Canadian Department of Defense calculated that even after having spent $300 million on the Arrow, another $871 million was needed to finish the program. That was an astronomical amount of money in 1958, and Canada had far fewer taxpayers than the U.S. did to shoulder the cost. The government decided that rather than build 40 planes as planned, it would commit only to finishing the handful of airplanes currently under construction. The rest of the program was placed under review.

BLACK FRIDAY

Then, without warning, on the morning of February 20, 1959, the Canadian government announced it was scrapping the Arrow immediately. Avro employees learned of the decision 20 minutes later, and at 4:00 that afternoon it was announced over the P.A. system that all 14,525 of them were out of a job. Another 26,000 Canadians working for Avro subcontractors lost their jobs, too.

Conspiracy? Sugar was first added to chewing gum in 1869…by a dentist.

WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

The irony of the cancellation was that in spite of all the problems, Avro had managed to produce a very sophisticated aircraft that had performed exceptionally well in flight testing. At the time the program was cancelled, the company was only two weeks away from fitting the aircraft with improved jet engines that would likely have made it the fastest fighter plane in the world.

Would the Arrow have broken the world speed record? We’ll never know for sure, because shortly after the program was cancelled, the Canadian government ordered everything associated with the program—aircraft, models, tooling, spare parts, even blueprints and photographs—to be destroyed to prevent the technology from falling into the hands of Soviet spies.

Canadian taxpayers had pumped more than $300 million into the project by then, but had literally nothing to show for it. Avro closed its doors; Canada lost its edge in defense aviation and never built another fighter plane. Many of Avro’s top designers and engineers went abroad to find work: Some went to Europe and worked on the Concorde, and more than 30 went to NASA and played leading roles in the effort to land
American
men on the moon.

JET SET

All that survives today are a couple of engines, a cockpit and nose cone, a few diagrams, odd parts, and some historical photos. This near-total destruction of the Arrow, combined with the fact that it was the most advanced fighter of its day, has elevated the plane to mythical status. “Arrow Heads,” as fans are known, build replicas, trade conspiracy theories, and dream of what might have been. Wishful thinkers look at the 1959 photo showing the jets lined up outside the factory to be destroyed and note that one plane, RL-202, is not in the picture. Does that mean it’s still out there somewhere, waiting to be found? University of Toronto historian Michael Bliss likes to tell his students it’s in a barn in Saskatchewan. “It’s taken out and flown once a year. By Elvis.”

Easternmost capital city in the United States: Augusta, Maine.

DIED ON THE JOHN

From the darker wing of Uncle John’s Stall of Fame, here are some people who took their last breaths in the bathroom. (Someday we’ll probably put Uncle John on the list.)

I
n 1016, 27-year-old King Edmund II of England was murdered in the bathroom. An assassin hid behind the primitive toilet and, as Edmund sat, the murderer stepped out and quickly shoved his sword twice “into the king’s bowels.”

• Another English monarch, King George II, died on the toilet in 1760 at the age of 77. He woke up at six that morning, drank some chocolate, and an hour later went to the bathroom, where he died of a ruptured aorta.

• Evelyn Waugh, one of the greatest English novelists of the 20th century (
Brideshead Revisited, The Loved One)
had just returned home from Easter Mass. In recent years, the 62-year-old had put on a lot of weight. He also drank a lot, smoked cigars, and rarely exercised. He died “straining at stool” in the bathroom, April 10, 1966.

• Perhaps the most famous death-by-toilet is Elvis Presley’s. A combination of weight gain and too many prescription drugs gave the 42-year-old singer a heart attack while he was “takin’ care of business.” (At the time of his death he was reading a book entitled
The Scientific Search for the Face of Jesus.)

•
Movie producer Don Simpson (
Top Gun, Flashdance
) died in 1996. While rumors persisted that he died of a cocaine overdose, the truth was more humble and embarrassing: He died of a heart attack while going to the bathroom.

• It’s commonly believed that Catherine the Great of Russia died after being “crushed” by a horse. True? Na-a-a-a-a-y. On that fateful day in 1796, she suffered a stroke while sitting on the toilet, but died in her bed several hours later.

Donald Duck’s “official” address: 1313 Webfoot Walk, Duckburg, Calisota.

Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS

Everyone’s got a question or two they’d like answered—basic stuff, like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few of those questions, with answers from some of the nation’s top trivia experts
.

T
URNING OVER A NEW LEAF
Q:
Why do leaves change color in the fall?
A:
“The
carotenoids
(pigments in photosynthesizing cells), which are responsible for the fall colors, are always present in a tree’s leaves. During the growing season, however, those colors are eclipsed by the green of chlorophyll. Toward the end of summer, when the chlorophyll production ceases, the other colors of the carotenoids (yellow, orange, red, or purple) become visible.” (From
The Handy Science Answer Book
, by the Carnegie Library)

HOT, BUT NOT

Q:
Why do people sweat when they eat really spicy food?

A:
“Spicy foods, such as chili peppers, contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerve endings in the mouth as a rise in temperature does. The nerves don’t know what caused the stimulation; they just send a message to the brain telling it that the temperature near the face has risen. The brain reacts by activating cooling mechanisms around the face, and one of these mechanisms is perspiration.” (From
Ever Wonder Why?
, by Douglas B. Smith)

REALITY BITES

Q:
How come you can’t feel a mosquito bite until it starts to itch?

A:
“The female mosquito’s biting technique is so skillful that most humans cannot feel it. After a minute or two of resting on the skin, she presses her lancets into a nice, juicy capillary—the insertion takes about a minute. It’s barely noticeable because the mosquito lubricates her mouthparts with her own saliva before biting. Most of us become aware of the itching only after the mosquito is long gone—not because of the bite or the loss of blood, but because of the saliva left behind. It acts not only as a lubricant, but also as an anesthetic. For most people, the saliva is a blessing, since it allows us to be oblivious to the fact that our blood is being sucked. Unfortunately, it contains anticoagulant components that can cause allergic reactions—the itchy bumps that make us wonder why mosquitoes exist in this otherwise wonderful world.” (From
Do Penguins Have Knees?
, by David Feldman)

A human body decomposes four times faster in water than on land.

YECCH!

Q:
Why do so many kids hate liver and Brussels sprouts?

A:
Short answer: they’re disgusting. Long answer: “Liver and Brussels sprouts have unusual textures and odors as well as bland, gray-green coloring. But probably the biggest reason is the strong taste. Children’s taste buds are just developing, and haven’t matured enough to enjoy these two delicacies. Liver actually tastes more bitter to a kid’s taste buds than to an adult’s.” (From
Funny You Should Ask
, by Marg Meikle)

METER READERS

Q:
How are TV ratings determined?

A:
“The ACNielsen Corporation does them, sampling a cross section of households from all over the United States. Samples include homes from all 50 states and people of all ages, income groups, geographic areas, ethnicities, and educational levels—all in proportion to their presence in the population at large. Special meters, known as ‘set-top meters,’ are installed to capture information about what channel is being viewed in about 25,000 households. The data is automatically retrieved by Nielsen computers each night, then relayed via phone lines to the operations center in Florida, and processed that same night for release to the television industry the next day.” (Nielsen Media Research)

UNCLE JOHN’S WEIGHT-LOSS SYSTEM

Q:
Every time you fart, do you lose a little weight?

A:
“Actually, there is some reason to believe that after a good toot you weigh more—slightly. Two of the principal components of flatus are hydrogen and methane, which are both lighter than air. Thus it is conceivable that when you deflate, as it were, you lose buoyancy and add poundage. On the other hand, it is not clear what the ambient pressure of gas in the intestines is—a critical factor, since even a light gas under sufficient compression weighs the same as or more than air.” (From
The Straight Dope
, by Cecil Adams)