Read Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
First American “movie star”: Bronco Billy Anderson. His career lasted from 1908 to 1915.
TIP #2: STAY CALM AND ASSESS THE SITUATION
So the unthinkable has happened: You find yourself stranded or lost, and your cell phone doesn’t work. Should you stay where you are, or try to find civilization? In most cases, experts say you should stay put, especially if you told someone where you were going. That will make it easier for rescuers to find you. If you’re lost because you survived a car crash in a remote area, stay near the wreckage—it’s easier to spot from the air than a person. Only go looking for help if you absolutely have to—either because you’re in unsafe conditions or because you’re sure there’s a settlement or road nearby.
• Which do you look for first—food, water, or shelter? It depends on the conditions. If it’s extremely cold, hot, or stormy, make a shelter so you don’t succumb to exposure, then rest until you have the strength to find water. If you’re not injured and conditions are safe, look for water first, then deal with shelter, then food. (More on that later.) If you do stay put, make yourself visible to rescuers.
• The universal distress signal is three fires in a triangle. Any passing plane that sees this will alert the authorities.
• Another good signal is a shiny object reflecting the sun. Rescuers are trained to look for light flashes like these.
TIP #3: DON’T GET MORE LOST
• If you’ve decided to go find help, leave some kind of note at your starting point with your condition and intentions, or at least construct an arrow pointing in the direction you’re heading.
• Stay on marked trails, if there are any. It’s almost never a good idea to stray into the bush.
• The general rule about finding civilization: Head downhill until you find a creek or river, then head downriver until you find people. But first, depending on your surroundings, you may want to go to a higher elevation to scan the landscape for any sign of settlements. If it’s not too dangerous or cold, do it at night when it’s easier to see the lights of a distant town or city.
Jules Verne’s
Journey to the Center of the Earth
is considered the first science fiction novel.
• Take your time (unless you or someone in your group is in immediate danger). “Rest,” says the
U.S. Army Survival Guide
, “can be more valuable than speed. Whether you are struggling through jungle undergrowth, facing a dwindling water supply in the desert, or making your way across arctic ice, plan and make your way carefully; do not dash blindly on.”
TIP #4: FIND DRINKING WATER
• Assume all creek or pond water is polluted. If you don’t have a filtration system or a way to boil water, try to find the clearest, fastest-moving water you can.
• Collecting rainwater is your safest bet. Search around for makeshift containers and save as much water as possible.
• Morning dew can provide you with enough water to keep you alive, but you have to know how to collect it. One way is to carefully place leaves around a container in such a way that any water that gathers on them will flow into the container. Big leaves or flowers also collect water; get to them just after dawn before the water evaporates.
• If you suddenly find water after going a long time without, sip it rather than drinking it fast. Gulping it could cause you to vomit, which will dehydrate you even more.
• In the desert, look for water at the base of cliffs or deep in the sand near a dry stream bed. Or follow animal tracks—animals know where water is.
• You can make a dew trap in the desert. Dig a hole in the ground and place a makeshift container inside it, then cover the hole with clothing or leaves. Condensation will pull water from the air. A piece of fabric left in the hole may even collect enough water for you to wring out in the morning.
• The stems of desert plants and cacti store water, but be careful—some of these plants are poisonous.
• And, in case you’re wondering, urine is
not
a good source of drinking water—much too salty. It is, however, effective for cleaning wounds (only your own) and keeping cool in extreme heat.
Minnesota has 90,000 miles of shoreline, more than California, Florida, and Hawaii combined.
TIP #5: FIND FOOD
Some plants are edible, others aren’t. If you don’t know the difference, here’s a simple test you can do, outlined by John “Lofty” Wiseman in his
SAS Survival Handbook
:
1. Inspect.
What’s the plant’s condition? If it’s past ripe, slimy, or worm-ridden, don’t eat it.
2. Smell.
If it looks healthy, crush a part of it to release the pores and then sniff. If there’s even a hint of bitterness, don’t eat it.
3. Touch.
Crush a small portion of the plant and rub it between your armpit and elbow. Wait a few minutes. If your skin starts itching or swelling up, don’t eat it. (And remember that if it has three shiny leaves, it’s most likely poison oak or poison ivy.)
4. Taste.
Place a small portion on your lips, work it into your mouth, and then let it touch your tongue. If there is no immediate reaction, then chew a small portion. If you notice any discomfort whatsoever, don’t eat it.
5. Swallow.
If your plant has passed all of the tests so far, then eat a
very
small portion…and wait at least five hours. Don’t eat or drink anything else in that time period. Symptoms to look for: soreness in the mouth, burping, nausea, stomach and/or abdomen pains, hallucinations, or anything else that doesn’t feel right.
6. Eat.
If after five hours you haven’t felt any ill effects, the plant is most likely safe to eat. But don’t eat a lot at one time—ration it and keep a very close eye on yourself for the next few days.
We don’t have enough room to go into trapping animals, but here’s a quick tip: Pound for pound, insects have more protein than cows. The larger bugs, such as beetles and grasshoppers, are usually (but not always) safer then the smaller bugs, such as ants, which may be poisonous. Earthworms are excellent sources of protein.
One more important tip:
If you have food but no water, don’t eat it, because that will start up your digestive system, which requires a lot of water. Unless you drink at least one pint of water per day, eating dry food by itself will dehydrate you much faster than not eating at all. Also, drinking beverages such as beer or soda can dehydrate more than hydrate you.
Prickly subject: The world’s largest cactus plantation is in Edwards, Mississippi.
TIP #6: FIND OR BUILD SHELTER
In
Outdoor Survival Skills
, Larry Dean Olsen, who also wrote the requirements for the Boy Scouts’ outdoor survival merit badge, writes, “Building for survival requires more than a minimum of effort and careful planning. Most essential to this planning is the selection of a campsite.”
• Find as flat an area as you can, preferably with trees to one side. But if you’re camped next to the only trees in sight, be careful: you may get unwanted four-legged visitors.
• Don’t build or seek shelter in dry gullies, at the base of unstable cliffs, or in any spot that may be prone to flash floods or landslides. Remember that flash floods can occur many miles away from a thunderstorm.
• Inspect your area thoroughly before you set up. Move on if you find anthills, poisonous plants, or signs of predators.
• While there are many types of shelters, the easiest to build is a lean-to. Find three large sticks or branches and lean them against each other in the shape of a teepee. Anchor each into the ground by digging a hole at least eight inches deep, and surrounding each base with packed dirt and rocks. Then lean more sticks on the foundation, leaving one side open, facing away from the wind.
• Be careful where you seek shelter in the woods. A tree snag (a felled tree leaning on a cliff or another tree) may look like a ready-made shelter, but can give way and collapse at any time.
• Caves are good, but make sure nothing else is living in them. If you see droppings or bones, move on.
• If there’s snow, use it to your advantage. Dig a trench, insulate it with branches and leaves, and huddle inside to keep warm.
TIP #7: DETERMINE WHICH DIRECTION IS NORTH
Sometimes, finding your way back to civilization can be as simple as knowing which way is north. Then, if you’re sure there’s a town somewhere to the southeast, for example, you can head in that direction. If you don’t have a compass, here are some ways to determine north:
• In the daytime, look at plants. They tend to lean toward north, so the highest abundance of leaves will face south. (It’s the opposite in the southern hemisphere.)
Quick! Name the only state capital with three words in its name. Answer: Salt Lake City (Utah).
• On a clear night, look for the Big Dipper and find the two “pointer stars” that make the forward edge of the cup. Draw a line from the star at the bottom of the cup through the top star and keep going to the first bright star—that’s Polaris, the North Star.
• The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It’s not always
due
west or
due
east, but the sun’s position can give you a general sense of direction.
TIP #8: IN EXTREME HEAT, STAY COOL
• The hotter you get, the more difficult it is to think clearly. Heat stroke will kill you quicker than thirst, so find shade and avoid exposure by covering your entire body with clothing, especially your face.
• Although sweat is undrinkable, it
can
keep you cool. Wear a headband to collect sweat, then wring it out down your back.
TIP #9: IN EXTREME COLD, STAY WARM
• Your best defense against frostbite is to stop it before it starts. The key is movement. Jump up and down, wave your arms, extend your fingers, wiggle your toes, pull on your ears, make funny faces. Do whatever you can to keep your blood flowing.
• Moisture combined with cold can be deadly. Stay as dry as possible. If your clothes are wet, wring them out. If all that moving around made you sweat, wipe it off.
• Excessive cold causes mucus to leak from your nose. Don’t give it a chance to freeze—wipe it away.
• Find anything dry to create layers around your body, such as leaves or newspapers. Loose clothes are better than tight ones.
• If your feet get frostbitten, you can usually keep walking on them for a while. But if you find shelter and warm them up, it’s better to stay put—walking again could cause severe damage.
• Once you’ve made it to safety, go straight to a hospital. If that’s not an option, soak any frostbitten areas in warm (not hot) water, then wrap yourself in warm blankets. Avoid direct heat from a fireplace, stove, or heating pad.
• Never rub or scratch frostbite; dress it loosely with a sterile cloth. If fingers or toes are affected, wrap each one individually.
A male sea catfish keeps the eggs of his young in his mouth until they are ready to hatch.
THE WILL TO SURVIVE
Of course, this chapter only scratches the surface of what you can do to survive in the wilderness until you’re rescued or you find your way to safety. For more information, read some survival books and how-to guides on your favorite outdoor activity (hiking, camping, skiing, etc.), which often have good tips on what to do if you get lost. And if you’re a novice, it’s a good idea to head out with an experienced guide or friend before you try it on your own.
Ultimately, though, knowledge alone may not be enough. Many people who survived wilderness ordeals report that they simply
wanted
to survive…and, just as importantly, kept a clear head. We’ll end with the opening words of the
U.S. Army Survival Manual
:
Many survival case histories show that stubborn, strong willpower can conquer many obstacles. One case history tells of a man stranded in the desert for eight days without food and water: he had no survival training, but he wanted to survive, and through sheer willpower, he did. With training, equipment, and the
will to survive
, you will find you can overcome any obstacle you may face.
Now get out there and have fun…but stay safe.
* * *
POSITIVELY NEGATIVE
During a lecture, a linguistics professor said to his students, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. For example, ‘He doesn’t have no apples’ actually means he
does have
apples. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is actually still a negative. However, there is
no
language in which a double positive can form a negative.”
Just then, one of the students huffed and said, “Yeah, right.”
History Quiz: Name the famous slogan of the Spanish-American War. (“Remember the
Maine
.”)
Here’s the third installment of our story on how the most popular novel of the 1970s ended up as one of the greatest films of the 20th century. (Parts I and II are on
pages 91
and
354
.)
Salud!
T
HOSE EYES
Coppola had his heart set on Al Pacino for the role of Michael Corleone, and, as he had with Marlon Brando, he just kept pushing until he finally got his way. Paramount forced him to test other actors for the part, and every time he did he had Pacino come in and do another screen test, too. Robert Evans got so sick of seeing Pacino’s face that he screamed, “Why the hell are you testing him again? The man’s a midget!”