Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (33 page)

Here’s the basic plot: In a case of mistaken identity, Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski—a lazy, unemployed, hippie bowler—is assaulted by thugs who are actually looking for a paraplegic millionaire named Jeffrey Lebowski, whose trophy wife “owes money all over town.” During the course of the assault, the assailants pee on The Dude’s living room carpet. Deciding to seek restitution from the real Lebowski (because “the carpet really tied the room together, man”), The Dude and his two bowling buddies, Walter and Donny, are drawn into a web of intrigue involving kidnapping, pornographers, and nihilists; Lebowski’s avant-garde daughter, Maude; a high-school student whose father used to write for the TV western,
Branded
; and intricately choreographed bowling-dream sequences. There’s a lot more, but you’ll have to watch the movie a few times to figure it all out…which is exactly what thousands of devoted fans have been doing for nearly a decade.

WHY NOT?

Three years after the movie’s release on video, two
Lebowski
fans, Will Russell and Scott Shuffitt, were killing time while manning a T-shirt booth at a tattoo convention in Louisville, Kentucky. Business was so slow that the two friends began entertaining themselves by quoting lines from
Lebowski
. The people at the next booth turned out to be fans as well, and soon joined in. Eventually, Russell and Shuffitt’s booth became the most popular spot in the convention hall, with bored vendors congregating to repeat their favorite bits of dialogue from the film. At some point, according to Russell, “Scott and I were like, man, if they can have this goofy tattoo convention, we should have a
Big Lebowski
convention.”

If the heads on Mt. Rushmore had bodies, they would be nearly 500 feet tall.

BOWLING AND WHAT-HAVE-YOU

Because bowling is a central theme in the movie, they decided the event should be held in a bowling alley. Unfortunately, the only alley in Louisville that they could afford was a Baptist-run establishment that prohibited both drinking and bad language—a problem because it’s hard to quote lines from the film without cursing, and because The Dude is rarely seen without a White Russian in hand (at one point he can’t find any half-and-half, so he mixes his White Russian using powdered nondairy creamer). Nevertheless, the alley was rented and, with a $42 advertising budget, the “First Annual
Big Lebowski
What-Have-You Fest” was scheduled for October 2002. They expected a handful of their friends to show up and were surprised when 150 people—dressed up as their favorite characters from the movie—arrived for a night of bowling and a screening of the film.

Russell and Shuffitt immediately began making plans for the second festival. Word got around on the Internet, and it proved to be almost too successful: 1,300 devotees showed up to a venue that could only hold 800. The following year 4,000 fans came…and the event’s organizers have never looked back—they’ve added festivals in Las Vegas, New York, Los Angeles, and Austin, Texas.

THE DUDE ABIDES

The event has taken on a life of its own. A few years ago, strange signs began appearing in the crowds at concerts and sporting events. Back in 2003 they read, “Lebowski 7:19.” The next year: “Lebowski 6:19.” These are not references to some book of cinematic scripture, they are the dates of the next annual Lebowski fest in Louisville. Keep your eyes peeled—in 2006 they read “Lebowski 9:29.”

First woman to drive across the United States: Alice Ramsey, in 1909. It took her 59 days.

FAMILIAR PHRASES

Here’s one of our regular features—the origins of some common terms and phrases
.

W
ITH BATED BREATH
Meaning:
Waiting with great anticipation
Origin:
“It’s so common to see this phrase written as
baited breath
that there’s every chance it will soon become the usual form.
Bated
and
baited
sound the same, and we no longer use bated, or its verb,
to bate
, outside this one phrase, so confusion is almost inevitable.
Bated
here is a contraction of
abated
meaning ‘reduced or lowered in force.’ Bated breath refers to a state in which you almost stop breathing through terror, awe, extreme anticipation, or anxiety.” (From
Ballyhoo, Buckaroo, and Spuds
, by Michael Quinion)

FINE KETTLE OF FISH

Meaning:
Sorry state of affairs

Origin:
“A
kiddle
is a basket set in the sluice ways of dams to catch fish, a device well known from the 1200s. Royal officials had the exclusive right to trap fish in kiddles, but poachers often raided the traps, frequently destroying the kiddles in the process. Perhaps an official came upon a destroyed trap and exclaimed, ‘That’s a pretty kiddle of fish,’ or something similar, and the phrase was born. Over the years,
kiddle
was corrupted to
kettle
, giving us the expression as we know it today.” (From
Facts on File Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins
, by Robert Hendrickson)

JURY-RIG

Meaning:
To create a temporary solution

Origin:
“The term comes from
jury-mast
, a makeshift mast that was made out of whatever the sailors could find around after a powerful storm ripped down the original mast. No one is really sure where ‘jury’ in this sense came from, although it could have been a corruption of
injury
and been a sailor’s way of making light of the ‘ouch’ received by the mast. Regardless, the use of the word
jury
spread aboard ship, and by the middle of the 17th century, it was being used in conjunction with anything makeshift. Eventually the term came ashore, in the sense of fixing something or making it ready to go.” (From
Scuttlebutt
, by Teri Degler)

Aww! Elephants show affection for each other by entwining their trunks.

THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER

Meaning:
Countless opportunities are available

Origin:
“It comes from Shakespeare’s
The Merry Wives of Windsor
, which revolves around Falstaff’s attempts to gain access to two family fortunes. He is accompanied by a loud braggart named Pistol, who asks to borrow some money. When Falstaff refuses, Pistol boasts, ‘Why, then the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.’ In other words, he’ll take what he wants, whenever he wants it, by force. While most who use the phrase today don’t have the same dishonorable intentions as Pistol, they do have his boastfulness in common.” (From
Inventing English
, by Dale Corey)

TO THROW THE BOOK

Meaning:
Issue a severe punishment

Origin:
“During the 1920s, most U.S. cities caught a wave of violence so severe that strong public sentiment was generated. In response, many states enacted strict laws aimed specifically at habitual criminals. In several instances a fourth conviction carried an automatic sentence of life in prison. Many judges searched for the maximum penalty when given the opportunity to sentence an old offender. Underworld gossip warned thugs to stay out of such courts because these crusaders might ‘throw everything in the statute book’ at the prisoner.” (From
I’ve Got Goose Pimples
, by Marvin Vanoni)

TO HAVE A CHIP ON ONE’S SHOULDER

Meaning:
To be resentful and looking for a challenge

Origin:
“Under the rules of a game of distance and skill popular in the United States in the 1800s, one person would challenge an opponent to knock a block of wood from his shoulder—whether with an instrument or by hand is unknown—and would then measure the distance the block traveled. As the game grew more heated, the expression carried its quarrelsome connotation.” (From
Tenderfeet and Ladyfingers
, by Susan Sperling)

George Clooney originally wanted to be a professional baseball player.

LIKE, TOTALLY ’80s FADS

Uncle John sure looked rad as he drove his DeLorean to the Wham! concert, wearing his single white glove and brand-new Members Only jacket with the collar turned up
.

L
ASER TAG
George Carter got the inspiration while watching
Star Wars
in 1977. It took him years to work out the technology, but in 1984, he opened
Photon
, a laser tag arcade in Dallas, Texas. Played in a futuristic, cavernous arena, Photon let players shoot light beams at each other while climbing on catwalks surrounded by smoke, lights, and sound effects. Receptors on the players’ chests recorded “hits”; three hits eliminated a player from the half-hour match. Laser tag became a local phenomenon, and soon Photon arenas sprang up all over the United States. They were riding high when a home version of their game hit stores in 1985. Then came the competition. Worlds of Wonder—the company responsible for the Teddy Ruxpin doll—released
Lazer Tag
, a rip-off of the Photon set that sold better than Photon. Nearly 20 other competitors followed…and they all flopped, except for Lazer Tag, which became
the
hot toy for Christmas 1986. Only problem: Worlds of Wonder couldn’t make Lazer Tag sets fast enough to keep up with demand. By the time the company ramped up production, kids had moved on to the next thing. The fad was over, and Worlds of Wonder went bankrupt in 1988. The Photon chain closed in 1989.

SWATCH WATCHES

In 1983 Switzerland’s two biggest watchmakers were on the verge of bankruptcy because of competition from cheap Japanese watches. The companies decided to merge, and they needed to come up with a big new idea…quick. Their idea: the Swatch (short for “second watch”)—a brightly colored, casual watch available in a variety of patterns to match the wearer’s outfits. Swatches weren’t cheap: They cost over $30, a lot for a plastic watch that you’ll have to throw away eventually (one of the “features” was that there were no serviceable parts). Still, they were a hit. Teenagers, many of whom wore two or more Swatches at once, bought over 3 million in the first two years and over 100 million by the end of the 1980s.

First video by a black artist on MTV: “Billie Jean,”…

GARBAGE PAIL KIDS

In the 1970s, the Topps Company made Wacky Packages, trading cards featuring takeoffs on well-known consumer products (example: “Boo-Hoo” and “Cap’n Crud” instead of Yoo-Hoo and Cap’n Crunch). In 1985 they hired comic-book artist Art Spiegel man to revive the series, and he came up with “Garbage Pail Kids,” a parody of the massively popular Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. Each card depicted a character doing something disgusting (Heavin’ Steven was a vomiting baby; Fryin’ Brian was a boy getting shocked in an electric chair). Topps liked the cards so much that they made it a separate line. They were gross, revolting…and a smash hit. Topps sold more than 200 million packs. But parents objected to the dark subject matter, and, because of the complaints, a planned cartoon series never aired and a 1987 movie bombed. When Coleco, makers of the Cabbage Patch Kids, sued Topps for copyright infringement in 1988, that slammed the lid on the garbage pail. By the time the two companies settled the suit later that year, sales had dwindled so low that the cards went out of print. (Fun fact: Art Spiegelman also wrote the Pulitzer Prize–winning graphic novel
Maus
.)

FANNY PACKS

Based on a clip-on utility pouch worn by soldiers, fanny packs were first sold to the general public at camping-supply stores in the 1960s. By the early 1980s, they had caught on with Norwegian tourists, who wore them in the United States to keep their valuables safe (they thought America was full of pickpockets). The packs’ popularity grew until they were
the
fad of 1988—
Adweek
called the fanny pack “the hottest product of the year”—and the pouches were suddenly everywhere. There were $2 nylon packs with pictures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on them for kids, Day-Glo packs for teenagers, and even $200-plus leather models. By the early 1990s, fanny packs, along with most other 1980s fashions, were passé. (But they remain popular with tourists.)

OTHER 1980s FADS
: Rubik’s Cube, the Walkman,
Miami Vice
, Chia Pets, Trivial Pursuit, leg warmers, Monchichis, calculator watches, acid-wash jeans, Max Headroom, the California Raisins, Pogo Balls, the Noid, Hulkamania, aviator shades, break dancing, He-Man, hair crimping, bare midriffs for men, Trapper Keepers, Lee Press-On Nails, jelly shoes, and Big League Chew.

…by Michael Jackson (1½ years after MTV started).

THE PILGRIMS, PT. II: EXODUS FROM ENGLAND

Here’s the second part of our story of the Pilgrims’ treacherous journey to the New World in 1620. (Part I starts on
page 44
.)

R
EBELS
At the turn of the 17th century, secret congregations of Separatists—Protestants who wanted to worship outside the jurisdiction of the Anglican Church—lived all over England. William Brewster led a congregation in the town of Scrooby…and he was a wanted man. King James and the Church of England had mounted a campaign of oppression against these rebels and others who did not comply with the Church’s rules.

William Bradford was another Scrooby Separatist, and years later he would write
History of Plimouth Plantation
. Most of what is known about the Separatists, or the “Pilgrims” as we call them today, comes from Bradford’s
History
. Here is his account of their decision to leave England: