Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (21 page)

5.
Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.

6.
Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in with Play-Doh or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.

7.
Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as “Krazy Glue” to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.

8.
To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the “Blast-O-Matic” brand because they are no deposit–no return.

9.
Now hide the completed device from the neighbors. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.

10.
Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.

No part of Japan is more than 100 miles from the sea.

Theory of Operation

The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain reaction similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, “Dominos on the March,” March 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10-megaton explosion!

Next Month’s Column

In next month’s column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor’s wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!

POSTSCRIPT

“How to Build an Atomic Bomb” was a big hit when it came out, and over the years the article was widely dispersed on the Internet. And in 2001 it made headlines all over the world, in a scary—but funny—way.

On November 15, 2001, in the midst of the attacks on Afghanistan by U.S. and NATO forces, the
Times
of London reported that “Osama bin Laden’s al-Qaeda network held detailed plans for nuclear devices and other terrorist bombs in one of its Kabul headquarters.” A BBC television reporter followed up with a harrowing on-air report about the plans, including shots of him holding a page of the bomb document in his hand. The news of the terrorist group’s nuclear ambitions traveled around the world.

A webmaster in Connecticut who goes by the name of CyberGeek was watching the BBC report. “I started laughing,” he later said. Why? The reporter was holding a copy of the parody article. Apparently, al-Qaeda (and the
Times
and the BBC reporter) believed that you could get plutonium at “your local supplier,” that there was such a thing as a “Blast-O-Matic” detonator, and that items like duct tape and Krazy Glue could be used to make an atomic bomb. The best part, said CyberGeek, was that the document “seemed to show a number of lines and notes around it—meaning the terrorists were actually studying it!”

“It defies imagination,” he says.

Crap-o-ccino: Prussia’s Frederick the Great liked his coffee made with champagne and mustard.

DUMB CROOKS

With crooks like these, we hardly need cops. Here’s proof that crime doesn’t pay
.

A
RMED BOOBERY
“Armed robbers who held up a money courier made off with his first-aid kit instead of the suitcase full of cash. The two bandits pursued the courier at high speed before shooting at his vehicle and forcing him to stop on a road in Gronau, Germany. Forcing the trunk open, one of the crooks snatched a case before fleeing again. But instead of taking the money, he made off with a first-aid kit. Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said: ‘If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running.’”

—Ananova

THAT’S NOT FAIR!

“In New Braunfels, Texas, Robert Villarreal, 34, was sentenced to 50 years in prison after he sold drugs to the same undercover officer for the third time in a 14-year period. He actually argued ‘entrapment,’ claiming that for the first sale, in 1988, he was so young that he couldn’t be expected to remember later what the officer looked like.”

—New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung

STICK ’EM UP!

“A man with two sticks demanded money from people at a food mart on 29th Street and Culebra in San Antonio, Texas. Employees and customers did not think the man was serious, so they laughed at him. He then left, went to a beauty supply store down the street, and demanded money there. When a female employee said she didn’t have any money, the man started hitting the cash register with his sticks. The woman told him to stop, and gave him two dollars just to make him leave, which he did. No one was hurt. Police are looking for the suspect.”

—WOAI-TV (San Antonio, Texas)

Former New York City mayor Ed Koch once appeared as himself on
All My Children
.

COUNT DUMBULA

“A man was charged with burglary and criminal mischief after he allegedly broke into a funeral home and fell asleep in a coffin. Joel Fish, 20, was arrested after he was discovered at the O’Leary Funeral Home in Canton, New York. Debra White, wife of the home’s funeral director, said she noticed a broken window and open door to the casket display room when she awoke at 6:30 a.m. Inside, she saw a boot and pair of pants on the floor and a pair of knees sticking out of a coffin. Fish, who police said was intoxicated, was arrested and released to return to court at a later date.”

—Associated Press

HIT PARADE

“A man accused of not paying for his Pop-Tarts had a troubled getaway. First, the clerk at the convenience store ripped the man’s shirt off as they struggled when she confronted him for pocketing the toaster pastries. Then after the man punched the clerk in the stomach and made it out the door, he was hit by a pickup truck in the parking lot. Police said he got up and kept running—into the path of a minivan while he was crossing the street. He got up again, but didn’t make it far. ‘He gets up and continues to run, but responding police officers caught up with him just a short distance later and he was taken into custody,’ police Capt. Tracy Tingey said, adding that the man suffered only minor injuries and refused medical treatment.”

—Associated Press

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGES

“Bryan Perley, who apparently held a grudge against a child-support caseworker, was charged in Orlando, Florida, with several felony counts when he tried to arrest her by impersonating a military officer and holding a fake, handwritten arrest warrant. When the woman’s colleagues would not cooperate with him, Perley actually called for police backup, telling the dispatcher, ‘They don’t understand the chain of command in government. I’ve warned them.’ “

—WFTV-TV (Orlando, Florida)

In ancient Rome, yellow was the color most associated with weddings.

UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON

Quiet, please. It’s time for open mike night at the BRI. Had these public figures known that their mikes were hot and the tape was rolling, they would have never said what they said
.

S
PEAKER:
President Ronald Reagan
BACKGROUND:
In 1984, during the height of the Cold War, Reagan took a break from his reelection campaign to do a radio interview. He thought he was doing a sound check for the crew, but was actually being broadcast live over the airwaves.

WHAT WAS SAID:
“My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.” [Laughter.] “We begin bombing in five minutes.” [More laughter.]

REACTION:
Neither Reagan nor his supporters thought it was a big deal—it just proved that the president had a sense of humor. (Reagan’s staff took steps to ensure that in the future the Great Communicator would know unequivocally whether he was being broadcast.) But Democrats blasted the president as a trigger-happy madman out of touch with the severity of his “joke.” The Soviets weren’t amused, either. One Moscow television station wondered how much Reagan was joking, claiming that bombing Russia was his “sacred dream.” The joke didn’t hurt Reagan politically, though—he won that year’s election by a landslide (and he never did bomb Russia).

SPEAKER:
Senator John Kerry

BACKGROUND:
The 2004 Democratic presidential candidate was preparing for a TV interview, but didn’t know the tape was already rolling. As one of his handlers told him to “keep smiling,” he made some disparaging remarks about Republicans (through smiling teeth).

WHAT WAS SAID:
“Oh, don’t worry, man. We’re going to keep pounding, let me tell you. Just beginning the fight here. These guys are the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.”

REACTION:
After learning that his remarks were recorded and played all over the news that night, Kerry stood by them, refusing to apologize. His Democratic base was proud of the tough rhetoric, but Republicans seized the opportunity to paint him as emotionally unstable and having a personal vendetta. Did that swing some voters over to Bush? We’ll never know, but Kerry lost the election.

In America, “the Orient” refers to China and Japan. In Europe, it refers to India.

SPEAKERS:
George W. Bush and Tony Blair

BACKGROUND:
They were at the 2006 G8 Summit in St. Petersburg, Russia, for formal meetings on how to resolve the Middle East crisis. But what caught the media’s attention was an
impromptu
meeting between the American president and the British prime minister. While Bush was sitting at the table eating his lunch, Blair walked up and stood behind him, and the two started to chat.

WHAT WAS SAID (excerpts):

Bush:
Yo, Blair. How ya doing?

Blair:
I’m just…

Bush:
You’re leaving?

Blair:
No, no, no, not yet.

[Later…]

Bush:
Who’s introducing the trade?

Blair:
Angela [Merkel, the German Chancellor].

Bush:
Tell her to call ’em [the Syrian government].

Blair:
Yes.

Bush:
Tell her to put them on the spot. Thanks for the sweater—it’s awfully thoughtful of you.

Blair:
It’s a pleasure.

Bush:
I know you picked it out yourself.

Blair:
Oh absolutely—in fact I knitted it! [Laughter.]

Bush:
I think Condi [Condoleezza Rice] is going to go pretty soon.

Blair:
But that’s, that’s all that matters. But if you…you see it will take some time to get that together.

Bush:
Yeah, yeah.

Blair:
But at least it gives people…

Bush:
It’s a process, I agree. I told her your offer to…

Blair:
Well, it’s only if I mean…you know. If she’s got a…or if she needs the ground prepared as it were. Because obviously if she goes out she’s got to succeed, whereas I can go out and just talk.

In 1938, 15-year-old William Taynton was the first person on television (as a test subject).

Bush:
You see the irony is what they need to do is get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh*t and it’s all over.

Blair:
Is this…? [Blair taps the microphone on the table and the sound is cut.]

REACTION:
To the British press, it confirmed, once and for all, that their prime minister was nothing more than Bush’s yes-man, and that Bush, in turn, was a typical rude American who didn’t even have the courtesy to stand up and formally greet his British counterpart (some of the transcript is inaudible because Bush was eating lunch and often talked with his mouth full). Said the UK’s
Daily Mirror
, “Yo, Bush! Start treating our prime minister with respect!” It also referred to Blair as the “president’s poodle.”

SPEAKER:
French President Jacques Chirac

BACKGROUND:
In 2005 Chirac attended a private meeting with two other world leaders, Russian President Vladimir Putin and then–German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder. At the time, London and Paris were competing for the opportunity to host the 2012 Olympic Summer Games. The meeting wasn’t recorded, but the room was full of curious eavesdroppers, one of whom wrote down everything, including some harsh words Chirac had for the English.