Unbreak My Heart: A Memoir (28 page)

The whole project with Kenny is a risk for me—a way for me to push myself to try something different. Here’s the thing: When you’ve been in this business for as long as I’ve been in it, you’ve gotta constantly find ways to reinvent yourself, to keep learning new things. Otherwise, the challenge is no longer there—and once the challenge disappears, so does the passion, interest, and fun. Of course, I’ve sung with Kenny before—but I’ve never done it as his full partner. I’ve also never done a tour in which I’ve performed onstage with another singer—that’s new territory, and it’s an exciting part of this process that I’m looking forward to.

Even before Motown released our album in 2014, I arranged to do a month-long tour of my own across the United States. I wanted to do a test run: In light of my lupus, would my health and energy level hold up during a tour that involved four concerts a week? The answer was a resounding yes. It felt so good to be back onstage in some of our country’s largest arenas, with hundreds of thousands of people gathering to enjoy music. I sang a lot of my classics, like “Un-break My Heart” and “Breathe Again,” and of course, I also threw in some newer material. Sometimes I’d yell out to the audience, “What do ya’ll want me to sing tonight?” and then go with whichever song I heard people screaming out. And yes: Sometimes I would forget a few of the lyrics to my own songs! Here’s the trick every performer knows: When you go brain dead, just ask the audience to sing along with you—fans often know the lyrics better than I do!

I had never felt more alive than I did when I was out there performing on the road for that month—it was like getting lifted and fortified. I now find it hard to believe that I ever considered retiring. I love what I do way too much to think about letting it go. Just about everything on the tour went even better than we’d planned—unless, of course, you recall the little “wardrobe malfunction” I had on the stage while I was in New Brunswick, New Jersey. In-between songs, I went offstage for a minute for a quick change—and when I put on my new outfit, a clasp must have been broken. So when I got out there onstage and start singing again, all of a sudden I started feeling a little breeze on my butt! I finally realized that the back half of my dress was falling off, and even though I had a sheer body suit underneath, it sure did look like my backside was naked back there. Someone in the audience lent me a sports jacket to cover up my buns—and I kept right on singing through the whole ordeal! Life is like that sometimes—you often just have to keep it moving, even when your booty is exposed.

I got to hang with my sisters while I was on the road. Trina and Towanda, who did the background singing, traveled with me. Traci even joined us on some of the tour dates. I arranged for Trina to sing a song in my show, because her single, “Party or Go Home,” was out. And during the concert, I also showed little clips from
Braxton Family Values
. And between concerts, my sisters and I would spent a lot of time laughing and catching up with each and sharing meals and drinks. It was so much fun.

I also got to use the tour to engage women on the topic of lupus. L.A. Lupus, the organization for which I serve as a spokesperson, gathered groups of about 10 women at each one of my concert stops. Most of the women had lupus—or they were connected to someone who was living with the condition. In a way, it felt like a group therapy session: We got together backstage for a few minutes and just shared things like how we were feeling that day, what form of lupus we’d been diagnosed with, and what kinds of treatments we’d found to be most effective. I’ll never forget a young black woman who showed up with tears on her lower lids during my stop in New York. “My sister just died of lupus,” she revealed to the group. We each offered her words of support and plenty of hugs. And of course, there were stories of hope as well: One woman had been diagnosed with lupus when she was just fourteen—and at age thirty-two, she was still going strong and feeling great. She’d just completed a round of chemo (when lupus is in its advanced stages, chemo is one of the treatments doctors try), and she was thrilled that her hair was finally growing back. “Look—it’s even long enough for me to put in a couple of weave tracks!”

That day I sat on Wendy’s couch, it wasn’t that I’d actually fallen out of love with music. It was that I’d fallen out of balance in my life. I could tell you that I’m now completely centered again. That would be a lie. My journey doesn’t come wrapped in a shiny package with a neat little bow placed on top. Life is more messy than that. Circumstances fall apart, then we pull them back together—only to have them come undone another time. I’m starting to realize that we’re not supposed to keep everything lined up and in perfect order—even with our best efforts, we can’t accomplish that anyway. Instead, we’re meant to find lessons in both the chaos and the cleanup.

I’m still trying to figure out everything there is to learn in my life. Some lessons are pretty straightforward: When you hand over the reins of your life to someone else, you render yourself voiceless and powerless. Other lessons are harder to recognize: What is there to learn from getting lupus? Or having a son with autism? Or watching your parents’ thirty-year marriage suddenly disintegrate? I don’t think I’ll ever understand why some things happen. But the point may not be to make sense of the most difficult situations. It could be that we’re here to learn how to breathe through them. After a lifetime of holding my breath, that’s what I’m finally doing.

S
o many people have stood by me during my journey. I am deeply grateful to all those who’ve supported me and offered their love and encouragement. Here are a few people I’d like to thank publicly:

My managers, Craig Baumgarten and Marcus Grant:
Thank you not only for overseeing the details of my career, but also for listening, even when I wasn’t talking. You’re the best! Whatcha Doing? :)

I really should be thanking your wives, too. They put up with the repeated calls, questions, and concerns. Shawn Baumgarten and J’Vaughn Aubry-Grant—I appreciate you!

My literary agent, Steve Fisher:
Thank you for handling the publishing side of my work—I couldn’t have become an author without your help.

Mommy and Daddy:
You believed in me long before the world knew who I was. It’s because of you that I am the entertainer that I am today. I will forever love you . . . both.

Denim and Diezel:
I love you both more than you could ever know. You are my favorite show.

My sisters and brother:
I wish I could give my kids what we had—lots of each other. We are The Braxtons . . . always!

Trina Braxton:
Thank you for reading the book manuscript over and over again and helping me not to be embarrassed.

Towanda Braxton:
A very special thanks to you, The Responsible One, for the millions of hours you’ve spent taking care of me . . . even though you think you don’t work for me anymore! :) And thank you, too, for sending your Squirrels.

David Brokaw:
I heart u, I heart u, I heart u.

Dr. Sherry Blake:
The perfect “listening ear.”

Alex Tanjala:
I miss you every day!

Ashlee Braxton, Lorenzo “Zo” Williams, and James Philips:
I would be up a tree without you.

My fans:
for sticking by me, even when it was sticky.

And of course, none of this would’ve been accomplished without the skills of my team at HarperCollins. Thanks to the captain of my book team, Lisa Sharkey, who signed me up; Amy Bendell, who has worked tirelessly on the manuscript; and Paige Hazzan, who has spent hours settling the details. Much appreciation and excitement also goes to the art director, photo editor, marketing team, and the extraordinary sales force at HarperCollins. I am very appreciative of your enthusiasm and support.

TONI BRAXTON
has won six Grammy Awards and sold more than sixty million records worldwide. Her hit song “Un-break My Heart” still stands as the number two all-time bestselling single by a female recording artist. Currently, she is the star of the WE tv hit reality series
Braxton Family Values
and the new Lifetime original movie
Twist of Faith
. Braxton was the first African American woman to play a leading role in a Disney Broadway production when she starred as Belle in
Beauty and the Beast
, and she has headlined in one of the top ten Las Vegas shows of all time. Toni is a passionate advocate for both Autism Speaks and Lupus L.A.

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Cover design by Amanda Kain

Cover photograph © by Randee St Nicholas

Some names have been changed where indicated in order to protect the privacy of individuals involved.

Photographs courtesy of the author unless otherwise noted.

UNBREAK MY HEART
. Copyright © 2014 by Toni Braxton. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

ISBN 978-0-06-229328-2

EPub Edition MAY 2014 ISBN 9780062293305

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