Unbreak My Heart: A Memoir (26 page)

People often ask me if our “reality” show is real. It is—at least 99 percent of the time. While we’re taping, the producers follow us around with cameras and pick up on what’s actually happening in our lives—and believe me, we give them a lot of juicy material to choose from because our lives are so full. The “show” part of our reality show is the other 1 percent: The producers sometimes set up a scene that they can predict will make waves (like in season one, when we surprised Trina with a family intervention about her drinking . . . and yes, Dr. Sherry is actually our family’s therapist). Or the producer might ask us to reenact a scenario that has already happened. Let’s say, for instance, that Tamar and Trina get into an argument—and I mean a real one, because we never fake arguments for the show. Well, the next time we sisters get together on camera, the producers may tell us to talk about the argument. We don’t air everything that happens, of course—certain private family business should always stay private. But all in all, our reality show is very authentic—in fact, there have been times when I wished it was a little
less
real. Let me explain.

In the first season, my sisters, Mommy, and I gathered for a family dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Our father showed up—and it was the first time he and my mother had seen each other since my wedding. “Hello, Miss E,” Dad said to Mom. “Hi,” she said with zero emotion. Just by the way they greeted each other, I knew it wasn’t going to go well. I was right: By the end of the dinner, my father had called my mother a “dirty liar” (which is ironic, since Daddy is the one who cheated with his mistress for ten years . . . ) and my mother had accused my father of philandering all around town (“You know that you lay it low and you spread it wide!” she yelled while waving her butter knife). As far as reality TV goes, I don’t think it can get much more real—or painful.

Like that scene, dozens of other unscripted, unrehearsed moments have popped up—like that episode when Traci blew her top. During the third season, we’d all encouraged Mommy to go out on a few blind dates . . . we all thought it was time for her to get back out there again. On one of those blind dates, she met a gentleman by the name of Darryl—and she wanted us to meet him. So four of us sisters gathered at a luncheon so we could check him out (Tamar, who was pregnant at the time, stayed home to rest). Right in the middle of our lunch, Traci lashed out at Mommy. As it turns out, her attitude had nothing to do with Darryl—she was pissed because a few days earlier, Mommy had told her to mind her business. But rather than taking that up with Mommy privately, she used our gathering as her moment to go off. Mommy was so embarrassed that she asked Darryl if he could give us a few minutes alone. Here’s what you didn’t see on the air: In the middle of the scene, the producers actually had to yell, “Cut!” because Traci became so explosive . . . and even after a break, she still didn’t cool off. In fact, she stormed out before our lunch was over. Later, the truth behind Traci’s temper came to the surface—her husband had been having an affair.

The reality show business is all about creating drama—and that is exactly what it has done in our family. Don’t get me wrong: We’ve always fought—and within a few days after a disagreement, we’ve always come back around to speak again. But since we began filming
Braxton Family Values
, the periods of silence between the arguing and the making up are becoming longer. The show has brought issues to the surface that are hard to talk about and even harder to heal. That’s why I have one big regret about doing the show: It has often pushed us farther away from each other rather than drawing us closer together. But we do get through it okay—the Braxtons always come together in the end.

It’s not all bickering and tears—we joke around a lot, both on the set and off. First of all, we’ve introduced the world to the Braxton family vocabulary, including
scrumdittiliumtious
(Trina’s term to describe a yummy-looking man),
cheaterization
(a lifestyle of infidelity),
Secret Squirrel
(our nickname for Towanda, who may know other people’s business but will never spill it . . . ), and
point, blank, period
(Tamar’s way of explaining that the truth has come out . . . and she has nothing more to say). And of course, Tamar made the phrase “dot com” relevant again by adding it to any random subject she was discussing. We also tease each other mercilessly—and to be honest, I hated that when I was a kid. Why? Because what’s meant to be funny can often feel cutting. I learned to laugh and just roll with it, but out of all of us, I think Trina has been the most affected by the teasing—I can tell that it hurts her feelings sometimes. Towanda feels it, too, but she covers it well. That doesn’t make Tamar hold back with her jokes or opinions—she never had to. My parents (and truthfully, me, too) have always given Tamar lots of leeway, especially as the youngest of the family. If any of us upset Tamar, for example, Mommy and Daddy would often say, “Go apologize to your sister.” It was like, “You done upset the baby.” That pattern continues today.

Many who watch the show love Tamar—and for good reason. She’s feisty, she’s fun, and she’s super-talented. In fact, I’ve always thought her voice was special—she has an amazing vocal range. Some have speculated that Tamar and I have a big rift or a secret jealousy between us. Totally untrue. But here’s what is true: Like all families, we have differences—and yes, sometimes Tamar’s mouth can get on my nerves. At moments I felt there was a competitive nature to our relationship, but despite what people say, I understand how important it is for a younger sister to stand on her own. I will always love her and all of my sisters. And by the way, if anyone thinks Tamar is just exaggerating on the show, let me clear it up for you: The Tamar you see on camera is the same Tamar that my family has been living with since the day she was born. She’s not acting. She’s just being herself—point, blank, period—which is exactly the way she would put it.

In June 2013, Tamar and Vince welcomed their son, Logan, into the world. All of us gathered in Atlanta for the birth—we were pretty excited about the newest addition to the Braxton family. When he came out, he was all pink and so cute! His light complexion, which he probably got from Tamar, has since darkened up a bit—he’s more my shade now. We call him “Logie.”

I think Logan is the best thing that ever happened to Tamar—the “baby” now has a baby. She’ll be forced to see life different. For instance, Tamar and Towanda once got into it because Tamar was upset that Towanda had to leave a gathering early because she needed to make it to her son’s birthday party. Now that Tamar has a child, I’m sure she’s getting a better idea of how your priorities change when you become a mom. I’ve already seen a shift in her: When we all get together, she now seems eager to get back home to the baby. She’s also trying to balance her career with having a new son. Tamar is very career-driven—and now, if the baby has a cold or something, he can’t travel with her and she feels torn between work and being there for her son as a mom. That’s a feeling that I and some of the other sisters can relate to—and now, Tamar gets it, too.

Yes
, Braxton Family Values
is a form of entertainment—but of course, even when the cameras aren’t rolling, the “reality” part of the show is actually very true to life. During the third season, for instance, Mommy really was dating a man who appeared in the show. When she finally told us she was getting married to him, I knew he wasn’t The One for her—he seemed like a very nice guy, but I could just tell they weren’t the greatest fit. But of course, my sisters and I wanted to support her (we were all going to be her bridesmaids), so we began helping her plan the wedding. And to be honest, I was a little excited that my mother had found someone she could share her life with. It quickly became apparent, however, that Mom herself wasn’t feeling it. We’d be like, “What are your colors? How do you want your cake? What’s your dress?” She didn’t have many answers. Once we finally picked a dress and were about to settle on a location, it suddenly became clear that my instincts had been right: She called the whole thing off. That relationship and (near) exchange of vows actually happened—it wasn’t just something we made up for the sake of improving our ratings.

So for the most part, the way things seem on the screen is the way they really are. We’re ourselves, but we’ve been edited a bit for TV—which means you don’t get to see every aspect of who we are. For instance, here’s one thing viewers don’t know about Trina: She is very book-smart and always did well in school . . . but we don’t have the kind of show where that gets put on display. When we were kids, Trina was the sister who was most likely to be spotted reading. She must’ve read her share of fairy tales, because even now, she’s very Disney. In Trina’s view, love will always conquer all. A hopeless romantic—that’s who my sister is. That may be one reason that Trina keeps fighting to make her marriage to Gabe work. On the show, Gabe got caught up in infidelity, and Trina took him back. Every woman has a line that cannot be crossed—and for Trina, that line clearly isn’t unfaithfulness. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t just as hurt as any woman would be. I’m sure it was devastating. In fact, in a later episode, she retaliates by participating in what she called an “oral transaction.” I’m thinking,
Really? You’re going to say that on the air?
In retrospect, I think my sister was just angry and trying to get back at Gabe. But in the end, I’m not sure if my sister and Gabe will ever call it quits—that’s how much my sister believes in a forever love.

My sister Traci has the biggest heart. She pretends to be tough, but she’s actually very sensitive—if you hurt her feelings, you may not know it until 10 years later. She’s also generous: Even in a moment when she’s arguing with you about something, she’ll stop and offer you the earrings right out of her ears. “Here, take these,” she might say. “They go with your outfit.” That’s just always the way she’s been.

I’ve always been close with my brother, Mikey. I’m also close with Tamar, yet I’m probably closest with Towanda. The world sees Towanda as The Responsible One—and that is an accurate perception. But there’s more to the story: She was the classic middle child in our family—the one who was often struggling to be seen, heard, and recognized. Over the years, I’ve watched her really break free of that childhood role by standing up for herself and using her voice. I’m really proud of the work she’s doing: She has launched a successful business called “The Secret Squirrel,” and she trains and places celebrity assistants.

During the time when Towanda worked as my assistant (I so appreciated her help!), she really got a window into my daily world. The financial pressures. The marital challenges. The highs and lows of life in the spotlight. Sharing some of that with Towanda made us tighter—and I realized even more so that I could trust her. I think she finally understood how I came to feel like the Giving Tree of our family—the human version of the local ATM. And now, Towanda is the one sister who also best understands why it’s time for me to focus on myself.

The show has also put my own personal life under the spotlight. During one season, I was asked to pose for
Playboy
. As far as I’m concerned, it’s an honor to be
asked
at my age—that means someone thinks I still look good enough to pull that off in my forties. I’m still relevant in their eyes. I’d call that flattering—especially since you rarely see a black girl on the magazine’s cover! So I actually began considering posing for
Playboy
, and no, that never had anything to do with money. For me, it was like a little smiley face in the midst of all the bull crap with the bankruptcy. As I’m sure you can guess, my family vehemently disagreed. They were like, “Oh my God, you have kids!” In the end, that’s what stopped me. I would never do anything that would make Denim and Diezel feel embarrassed. What boy wants to have strangers ogling his mother’s boobies?

At another point in the show, I chose to no longer have my brother-in-law as my manager—he’d managed me for a year. It wasn’t personal at all—I love Vince and always will. It was simply a business decision I had to make, because mixing family with work is a conflict of interest. I’ve known Vince since the early days of my career—we met while I was working on my first album, and he was the producer on the song “How Many Ways.” We’ve always been cool, and I really respect him as one of the smartest people in the music business. So long before the cameras started rolling, I let him know that we needed to change directions—I wanted him to hear that for the first time directly from me, not on the set of our reality show. I’m sure he was disappointed by the change—but Vince has never been much of a talker, so we didn’t discuss it much beyond that. But since that all happened, we’ve continued to be close. He’s one of the people I can still rely on to lend a listening ear and a wise perspective.

It was on the show that I first really went public with my lupus diagnosis. It was also when viewers started noticing that my face looked puffy on some of the episodes. I’m on a drug called Kenalog, which is a steroid, and every few months I have to get a shot. Ever see me with a moon face even when the rest of my body is skinny? That usually means I’ve just had a shot. That’s one of the side effects of the medication—I get a moon-like face. I actually hate getting them. What girl do you know who wants to be at her best weight, only to look in the mirror and see chubby cheeks? When I was performing on
Dancing with the Stars
, I had to get a shot—and even though I’d lost weight from all that dancing, my face was still round and puffy.

Despite my initial misgivings about doing the show, some good has come out of it. For one thing, it has gradually changed my view of my mother. After that major confrontation my parents had during the first season, I started to see just how hurt Mommy was by my dad’s infidelity. I already knew she was hurting, of course—but that explosion showed me just how deep the wound was. Yes, my mother is my parent—but above all else, she is a woman. Children always put their parents on a pedestal, and I did the same with mine. But that day, I began to see Mommy for who she really is—a person who carries some of the same hopes and heartaches that we all do. That’s why I think my mother was incredibly brave to end her marriage. She met my father when she was fourteen, she married him when she was just seventeen, and she knew no other life outside of him for thirty years. Now that I am a woman myself, I recognize and respect her for showing so much courage.