I go in and head straight to my room. Bell is
lying on the bed curled up with Jeremy asleep next to her. I smile
at the sight of them both. Bell looks up and smiles at me. “Come
lay with us.” She says as I walk over to the bed. I strip off my
clothes and climb into bed. I rub Jeremy’s head. “He’s perfect.”
Bell says softly. “Yea he is.” I say as I look at the smile on
Bell’s face. “This isn’t what I had planned for you Bell.” I say
and I need to be honest. I can’t shake the feeling that she is
being pushed into this because of me. “What do you mean?” She asks
as she props herself up on her elbow. “I mean I feel like you’re
being pushed into this because of me Bell. You didn’t plan on this.
I didn’t either but that is my problem to deal with not yours.” I
say as I roll over and face the wall. She doesn’t say anything and
I don’t want her too. I want her to think about what she wants. I
know she didn’t plan on being a mother right now at least not in
this way. The fact that we just have gotten together doesn’t pass
my mind either. I'm throwing her right into the middle of a family
when we just started to get to know each other. None of this
escapes my mind as I try to fall asleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy
and when it does I'm jolted awake but a nightmare. I can see that
man’s face in my dream but as I pull the trigger his face turns
into Jeremy’s. I jump up and look over at Bell and Jeremy snuggled
together asleep. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I stand there
looking in the mirror and I can’t help but see a fucking murderer.
I killed that man like he was nothing.
7 months later and the guys are
planning a huge birthday party for Jeremy’s
2
nd
birthday. I should be more
into it but I'm not. These last 7 months have been hell on me. I
don’t sleep and I can’t fucking function like a normal person. Me
and Bell barely talk anymore. Some nights she even takes Jeremy
into her old room but I can’t seem to find it in me to care either.
I walk around like a fucking zombie most days. The dreams keep
coming and I can’t make them stop. “We are taking Jeremy to get his
hair cut for his party. You coming?” Bell says as she walks up to
me at the bar. I don’t answer her I just shake my head. “You know
what Tracker…. Just fuck it.” She says as she walks past me with
Jeremy. I don’t care about much these days anyway. I sit at the bar
drinking like I do every fucking day for the last 7 months. That’s
about the best I can do. “You ok man?” Sly says as he sits down
next to me. “Perfect.” I say as I stand up and head back to my
room. I sit on the bed and just think about shit. Why am I so
fucked up? It isn’t like I have never killed before because I have.
I guess the fact that I have never done it in cold blood is what’s
getting to me. I stand up and walk over to the dresser and pull out
my gun. I stand there looking at it like it might talk back to me.
I just want this shit to be over with. I don’t deserve this life. I
stick the gun in the back of my pants and walk out the side door
and head around to the back yard. I drag a chair over to where the
tall grass starts in the field and pull my gun back out. I sit down
looking at the field. What if I could just be free? Can I end it
all? Leave my family? I haven’t been anything for them anyway the
last few months. I have been a worthless shell of a man. I sit
there looking out at the field with the gun in my lap when I hear
someone behind me but I don’t fucking care to see who it is. I feel
a hand on my shoulder as I turn my head and look up. “What’s going
man?” Draven says looking at the gun in my lap. “Go back inside
man.” I say to him and look back at the field. I hear him take a
few steps back and then I hear him talking, I'm guessing on the
phone. “Hey Garrick get Prez and you two get the fuck out back. No
Now man.” He says and then it’s quiet.
“
What’s going on?” I hear Garrick
coming up behind me. “We have a little situation here.” Draven says
as I hear them all come closer. “Tracker?” Prez says as he walks in
front of me with a chair and sits down. The other guys do the same
thing. Prez tries to reach for the gun but I just tighten my grip.
“What’s wrong Tracker?” Garrick says looking at me. “The dreams
won’t stop man. I keep seeing that man’s face but it turns into
Jeremy’s. They keep getting worse. All I see is Jeremy and fuck man
I can’t do this shit anymore.” I say and to me it is void of any
emotion. The guys probably think I'm a fucking loser. “Damn it
Tracker why haven’t you came to us?” Prez says as I shake my head.
“And tell you what? That my head is completely fucked? That I'm so
fucking lost I can’t find myself? That I'm fucking weak?” I snap at
him as Draven stands up. “You Tracker are my best fucking friend!
You are not fucking weak. You might be lost man but you can always
get help coming back!” Draven snaps as he walks off past me. “Look
man. We can get you some help. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it
means you’re a person. It means you’re fucking human.” Garrick says
as he reaches out his hand towards me. “I don’t know man. I don’t
know how to do this shit anymore.” I say as tears come to my eyes.
Prez stands up and steps towards me. “You are my son, Tracker. All
of you boys are my family. I don’t think you are fucking weak or
fucked up. I think you had a shit ton of bad things fall on you all
at once and it knocked you on your ass. But we are all standing
here to fucking pull your ass back up. You get me?” He says as I
look up. I pass the gun to Garrick and he sticks it in the back of
his pants as he pats me on the shoulder. I grab Prez’s extended
hand as he pulls me up and hugs me. I hear the door open again but
I don’t look to see who it is. Then I hear Jeremy. He is yelling,
“dada.” I turn with tears in my eyes as my little boy comes running
towards me. I reach down and grab him up and hold him to me. The
guys slap my back and walk back towards the door when I see Bell
standing there. She starts to walk towards me and I'm frozen in
place.
“
Draven told me what was going on.”
Bell says softly as she walks up to me. Jeremy is squirming around
so I set him back down and he runs for his toys. I look down at
Bell’s face and I can see the concern in her eyes. “I'm sorry
Bell.” Is all I can say as she takes a step back. “You’re sorry?
That’s all we get?” She says looking over at Jeremy. “What do you
want from me?” I say to her as she looks back towards me. “I want
you Terrance. I want to know why we are not good enough for you?”
She yells this time. I made her think she wasn’t good enough. Fuck
I did more shit that I thought I did. I reach over and grab her
arm. “Bell don’t you fucking ever say that again. You hear me? You
are the best thing that has ever happened to me! Don’t you ever
think you are not good enough Bell.” I say as tears fall. “I'm not
good enough for you, damn it.” I say as I let go of her arm. “Don’t
you see me Terrance? I have never been so happy in my life than I
am when I'm with you. I'm scared to death that you will find
someone else and I won’t be able to keep you.” Bell says as she
steps towards me. I grab her around the waist and pull her to me.
“Damn it Bell. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm going to fix this ok? I'm
going to fix us. I love you Bell, I can’t fucking lose you. If I
lose you I lose everything.” I say as I lean in and kiss her. She
hugs me and doesn’t let go. “Let’s go cut our son’s hair.” I
whisper into her hair and she laughs. She looks up at me and
smiles. “I will do anything for you, you know that?” She says as I
nod and hold her to me. “Jeremy come on buddy we need to go cut
your hair before your party.” I say and he comes running yelling,
“dada.” I grab him up and hug him in one arm while I hold Bell to
me with the other arm. “That’s right, I'm dada.” I say. We walk
back into the club and I can’t believe these people are my family.
I have to be the luckiest man in the world.