Authors: Ellen Lane,Taylor Young
Jimmy
I know that something is wrong with Krystal. She hasn’t been the same since she came back from the mall. Her eyes were red and puffy. She said she read a book while she was gone, and it just got to her. Then she asked me if I had a fantasy.
“What kind of ‘fantasy’?” I asked her.
“Like sexual.”
“You know, I have never really thought about it. You have always been exactly what I’ve needed, so I don’t need to think about anything else.”
She said she has one and asks if she can share it with me. I agree, and she asks if I would be willing to play out the fantasy with her. I told her that I would as long a no one else was involved. Her fantasy turns out to be something that most high school kids do before or on prom night. Since we didn’t take our chance then, I agreed. I figured it was the most harmless fantasy I’ve heard about in a long time. We would have my mother watch Gage and we are going to have sex in the car.
So I guess I do have a fantasy I tell her. I’m really looking forward to doing this. I think it will give something back to us. I know Krystal is trying to give it her all, and I’m hoping that after tomorrow night things will be better with us. I’m not so sure it was a book that had her crying either, but I can’t know for sure unless she tells me. The only thing she tells me is to never read a book that says “has no HEA”. I don’t even know what that stands for but I’ll take her word for it. I guess I’ll have to take her word for it.
Krystal
Tonight is the night. My husband and I are going to make one of our fantasies a reality. I’m still hurt from Eddie yesterday. I can’t believe he told me all that. Then, he wouldn’t even let me speak. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, and that I wanted my friend back. I thought I needed Eddie back in my life. I am certain I do. Even before we realized how we felt for one another, we were friends. I would have liked to have that part back. But, he just blew me off like I was some trash to him. I suppose that’s my official ‘we are no longer friends’ sign.
We just dropped Gage off with Jimmy’s mom and its time for our night. I don’t know why I’m nervous all of a sudden. Jimmy is driving to the point, which is just a cliff that overlooks the city. Why people want to make out on a cliff, I have no idea. However, I’m hoping to find out tonight. We are in a small Honda. I have no idea how this is going to work, but I have always wanted to do it, and tonight I will. Part of me feels like I should have been more ‘creative’ with my fantasy, but my relationship with Jimmy is pretty ‘vanilla’.
He pulls the car to a stop, turns the car and the lights off, but leaves the radio on. I look back between him and the radio and back at him. All he says is when he pictures this happening, it’s with a soundtrack. One side of his mouth pulls up into a half smile as he puts his arm over my seat. He leans into me. His lips touch the shell of my ear. I can’t get my thoughts to cease long enough for me to truly get into this, but I have to keep trying. After all, this was my idea. I lean closer to him and put my hand on the bulge in his pants. Jimmy has always had the hardest dick I have ever felt, harder than even Eddie, and there went the plan to have sex in this car right out the window. I pull back from Jimmy and ask him if he is feeling this. He shrugs his shoulders and says he wishes it was at home in bed but as long as he is with me, he will get there.
Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World is now playing, and it doesn’t help my mood at all. I look at Jimmy and tell him we should just go home. This isn’t working like I wanted it to, that for some reason I’m just not in the mood. I know he is trying to read me and get a feel of what’s in my head, but it won’t work. I have become really good at keeping people out of my head. I know what I have to do now.
I sat in the chair next to the bed and watch Jimmy sleep. He looks so peaceful. I can’t do this to Jimmy anymore. He deserves to be with someone that will love him with everything they have. With all of their heart, their relationship should be filled with love and passion. I love Jimmy, but I’m not in love with him. We have lost our passion somewhere along the way. I place the letter I wrote to Jimmy on the table beside the bed grab my suit case and walk out of the room. I look back just long enough to see Jimmy roll from his side to his stomach as he leaves his arm hanging off the side of the bed. Then, I close the door behind me and pray that Jimmy won’t hate me like Eddie does.
Jimmy,
I know that at first you will not understand, but in time you will. I love you Jimmy, I honestly do, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I don’t know what has happened. I do know that you and I can’t fix it together.
I want you to find someone that makes you happy. Someone you can’t wait to get off work to come home to, someone that feels the same passion as you do. You deserve so much better than me. If you do as I say, the man you were in school is the man you can be now. Your smile will be brighter, fuller and have more meaning.
Please don’t hate me Jimmy. I want you to be happy and we can’t be happy together because I’m just not happy within myself. I know that at some point you will see that this is about me and I’m being selfish I guess, but I don’t want to hold you back while I try to figure out who I am and what I need and want.
We will figure something out with Gage. I left him in bed since I’m leaving while you guys sleep. I’ll come back in two days, me and you will sit and talk about what is best for Gage. He is our son and he should be able to have us anytime he wants. I’m not worried about that because I know you would never hold Gage over me just because we didn’t make it.
I want us to stay close Jimmy. I know I’m being selfish and I’m sorry. If you can’t be in my life other then just Gage I can understand that. Please forgive me Jimmy.
I love you
Krystal
Eddie
“So, Eddie, tell us,” the reporter said as she shoved the tape recorder in my face. “Have you heard anything from this ‘Krystal’ of whom you speak of so much in your performance? What does she say about all of this? Do you think she still has feelings for you? What about your last fling? Eddie, your fans want to know.” Her rapid fire succession of questions hit me like a hail of bullets. I felt my ‘fight or flight’, but I was definitely not running. I felt my face flush with anger. I balled up my fists, but I did not swing. I did not need to be angry. I was about to go on for the second showing. I should be used to this line of questioning by now. For the past year, since I last saw Krystal and said those awful things to her, I have fielded those questions from reporters, fans, and just random people in general. I have done a lot of growing up in the past couple of years. I am no longer that sad little boy that has lied to those he loved, hurt those he cared deeply for, and used people just to get to an end result. Yes, I have done that plenty of times. But now, I have been focusing on my act. I may be young, but I have plenty of stories to tell.
I have to say, I have made quite the success from my little act. I did not expect it to go this far, but it has. It has actually gone far beyond what I truly envisioned becoming reality. Sure, who doesn’t hope to be the ‘next big thing’? Everyone does at some point or another, but here I was living my dream. If only Krystal could have seen me now…
Despite those last words I said to her, I have still carried a torch for her, though it has not been as strong as it once was.
“No comment.” I was used to giving the all-encompassing diplomatic response of ‘no comment’ to pretty much every question that irritated me—or any journalist that got on my nerves. It was an unspoken thing that most journalists knew—I would not give impromptu interviews. You called my publicist and set things up through him and my personal assistant. All other inquiries were given the cold shoulder.
“Aw, come on, Eddie! It’s just a simple question. What are you afraid of? A tell-all book?”
I shot a look of ‘eat shit and die’ directly at her. I made certain to make eye contact so she would know it was truly meant for her. I do not know how this woman got into this event with her press pass. She MUST be new, I thought to myself as I relaxed my posture and softened my gaze.
“Miss…”
“Newman. It’s Miss Newman. I am with the Screen Actors Guild Press in Los Angeles, California. We’ve heard about you and would be interested in doing a piece on you.”
“Well, Miss Newman,” I said not wanting to continue to be rude. I was over being an asshole just to be one, you know. “All interviews are scheduled through my personal assistant and publicist. You see, if I stopped to talk to each and every journalist, I’d never make my own show on time or at all making there nothing to report on. So, if you’ll excuse me, I am expected on stage in roughly five minutes. If I am not there when the curtain rises, I am certain you’ll have a difficult time explaining it to the ticket holders why I am not there. If you have no other questions with which to detain me further, excuse me.”
I was proud of that declination toward a journalist. She was not exactly the brightest bulb in the box or she was very new. Most editors warned their journalists that attended the show to avoid asking direct questions. They were often instructed to report solely on the performance itself.
It was curtain time! I gazed out across the audience and saw the usual faces. Many came to not just one showing, but two or three in a week. However, one face stuck out in the crowd. I gasped. Was that—no, it couldn’t be, could it? I shook it off, but it just would not let go. The lights dimmed and finally, I was able to see out among the sea of faces. It was her! It was Krystal!
Krystal
This past year has been a really rough year. Leaving Jimmy was hard, but the hardest thing was leaving Gage behind at first. Even harder than that was the fact that I had to go back to sit with Jimmy and discuss who would have Gage and when. I knew that Jimmy worked most days. Being out on my own for the first time in my life meant that I had to work, but my availability was still determined by Jimmy, Gage, and his parents. My parents were still not talking to me beyond what they had to say for Gage’s benefit. I am pretty much ‘friend-less’ and ‘family-less’ at this point, but it’s been a good learning experience. I have come to realize that I have taken so much for granted with Jimmy—including Jimmy himself. I just could not see myself staying with Jimmy knowing that I did not love him the way I should have. It just was not right. I mean, why should I lead him on that way? Why should I lie next to him night after night letting him think I am nearly hopelessly devoted to him and love him as a wife should love her husband? That just is not right. My family does not quite understand the concept. My parents hate each other, yet remained married ‘for the kids’. That just did not cut it, you know? I hated it most when my parents fought. I recall many nights in bed listening to them arguing about something, doors slamming, my dad calling my mom horrible names, and mom coming back with some horrible insults of her own. Is that what I’m supposed to do to Gage? Now, I do not think I foresee Jimmy calling me the kind of names my dad called my mom, but that doesn’t mean that eventually, we will not stay up late at night fighting with each other while Gage is in his room with the pillow over his head trying to muffle the sounds.
So, I did it. I came once again to watch one of Eddie’s shows. I hope he really doesn’t see me this time. I just feel that this particular chapter of my life is not quite closed, you know? For a long time, Eddie was my best friend. Jimmy was the guy I was going to marry, and Jen was a really good female friend to have. That was my life. When did all of this get so complicated?
As I sat there, I could see his silhouette against the curtain. There was a small amount of light, but not a lot. He looked so happy, but slightly worn. I could see that living his dream was wearing on him, despite the smile I knew he was wearing on his face. Being in the limelight must be hard. At least he had Lydia. It was good that he had someone. I was alone, but I needed it to be that way for now. I had to figure out who I was.
Still, looking into his eyes felt like I was home. Eddie was my home base. Everything has changed. Okay, I thought to myself. I’m going to go up there, congratulate him on his success, and leave. That’s it. Just say hi.
The curtain rises and the spotlights hit their mark. Suddenly, he does not look as worn as I first thought. He looked almost exactly as he did that first time we were together. There was a light in his eyes, but there seemed to be a slight sadness etched on his face. I saw him look out onto the crowd, and then he spoke.
“Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have a guest. As you know, much of my act involves love, loss, and finding one’s self. Well, this wonderful woman right there is the source of my search and the one who encouraged me to find myself the most. Give a warm welcome for Krystal!”
Cheers and the sound of clapping erupted. I clapped, too, until I realized that he mentioned my name. Oh, my god, he was pointing to me. I am so gonna die from embarrassment. I could feel my face turning blood red. It suddenly got hot in the room, but I knew that was just me.
The crowd finally dies down. Eddie explains to the audience what I have meant to him. It was odd hearing this considering the last time he saw me, he said some very ‘not so kind’ things to me. While the show is going on, I felt a tapping on my shoulder.
“Yes?” I said.
“Ms. Krystal?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Eddie has asked me to request that you meet him at his dressing room after the show.”
Now, I was not quite certain how I should respond. I really did not come here to actually see Eddie, but I suppose, in a way, that I really did. “Sure, I will be there.”
“Krystal, will not you say a few words to the audience?” I heard Eddie ask.
Wow, I cannot believe he called me out like that. Well, yes, I can. It’s typical ‘Eddie’. He was always ‘showboating’ as a teen. I do not know why I thought this would be any different. So, I told them a few things—things I’m certain he has already divulged—but added at the end, “I would rather talk to you in private about anything else, though.” I looked directly at him.
The show continued and eventually ended. I was directed away from the crowd and into Eddie’s dressing room. He was not there at first, so I looked around. I was astonished at what I found. Taped to his mirror was a picture of us smiling in one of those carnival booths. It was the only sincere picture we took that night. I have the goofy one. I remember that night as if it were yesterday.
The carnival lights were bright and loud. The smell of corndogs and funnel cakes wafted through the air as the merriment of the carnival goers could be heard, but that night, Eddie sealed his fate as my best friend. It was sophomore year and Jimmy and I had broken up for the umpteenth time.
“He’s so…boring.” I said. “He never wants to do anything except work, watch television, and fish. I’m just not that kind of girl. I need action, adventure…”
“Spark?” Eddie finished my sentence.
“Yes! I mean look at our friendship. We’re just friends and we have way more fun. A relationship should be like this, but more, ya know?”
The memory faded as I recalled those words to Eddie. If only I had known that his lingering looks at me were not just him being extra attentive because I needed a friend, perhaps things would have been different. I heard the screams of his fans draw closer to the door of the dressing room. The door knob turned. Finally, he came in.
“Krystal.” He said. He just stared at me. I couldn’t help but to stare back. I needed him like a fish needed water, but I couldn’t handle the lies. Whether we would have ever ended up together or not, best friends were not supposed to lie to each other. Have I managed to forgive him yet?
“I’m glad you made it, though I was not expecting you at all.” He said. “What brings you to the club? How’s life? How’s—Gage? That’s your son’s name, right? Gage? How is Jimmy? Your folks?” He shot what felt like a million questions in my direction.
“Whoa, Eddie! Let me answer questions one through ten before firing off eleven through twenty, okay?” I chuckled in amusement.
“Sorry, Krystal. It’s just that I’m surprised and excited to see you. So, what all has been going on in your life?”
He seemed oddly interested for someone who was in a relationship. I sure hope this is not one of his stupid pranks, but I figured it would be rude of me to avoid answering. Still, I was not certain how to answer him. Do I just come out and say it, or do I just give the basics—weather, etc. Here it goes:
“Well, everyone is doing well, I suppose. I live closer to town now. Work is okay. Some of the customers—“
“Wait, what?” he interrupted. “Work? Is Jimmy not getting hours?”
Crap, went too far. “No, Eddie. Jimmy gets all of the hours he wants.” I inhaled sharply. “I left him. I realized after we last saw each other that it was not a ‘you’ or ‘Jimmy’ thing. It was the fact that I realized that I only loved the fact that Jimmy was the stability my parents always told me I was supposed to want as an adult. Something clicked when you told me off. I realized that it was unfair of me to remain with Jimmy. I did not love him the way a wife should have. If I did, I wouldn’t have made the decisions I made.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that—yelling at you, I mean. I had no right to do so. I was the one who made the bad call. I was the one who lied and betrayed our friendship.” He paused. “Krystal, I am sorry about Jimmy.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. He was so close. I could smell the scent of his muskiness mixed with his Old Spice cologne. “If there is anything I can do, let me know. Would you like to go for some coffee? Maybe we can catch up.”
“That would be great.” I said.