To Begin Anew (Blue Jay Romance) (10 page)

Before them was a vast expanse of water, a lake so wide that it was the edge of the universe and the only object set at their feet was a boat, moored at the outset of the next leg in their journey. Knowledge filtered to her, and through her, and she knew that her husband understood that to gain what they were searching for and running after, they would have to take this boat into the darkness.

But why were they here? Wasn’t the most precious thing they owned safe and sound at the place they started, at the place they called Home?

“You’re upset, Darling. Let’s go on the boat, we’ll be okay.”

The words came to her undefined, as if whispered though cotton, but she understood. She was upset, but only because she had a need to beg for forgiveness. Didn’t he know this? Couldn’t he see it in her soul?

The man hugged her around the shoulders, a warmth that calmed her, a presence that wrapped her in a kind of peace that soaked through her skin and into the torment of her soul. Was this really her? Was this her soul? She could never remember being so conflicted. She was a happy woman, a proud woman. She was a loving mother, a doting wife. What was there to be conflicted about?

“We have to take the boat now, Darling. We’ll be late.”

Late for what? But her husband’s voice sounded so sure and he was so strong that no matter what the fear was, no matter that there wasn’t an end to the vast ocean that was set before them, he would be able to carry her over it and harbor her from any danger.

He was on the boat then and, as if she blinked and found herself there, she was taking his hand and sitting beside him, a feeling in her chest of forewarning. This was dangerous. She wanted to grab hold of the man beside her, his features in shadow despite the love that emanated from him, and tell him that they should be anywhere but there, that something was going to happen to them out here that was irreversible.

She felt the separation first - felt the impact that took her out of the man’s shielding warmth and comfort and, as she was thrown from the boat into the water, her breath was forced from her lungs at the rush of the cold and chill that replaced everything safe she’d ever known. She struggled to reach the surface, kicked out with everything she had, even though the last breath that she was ever going to have was slowly being replaced with reflexive gulps of water as her desperate brain didn’t know any better. No! Not this way!

~*~*~

Debra woke with a start, her face covered in sweat, her arms wrapped around her as if even in her sleep she’d tried to protect herself from the vulnerability of being at the mercy of her nightmares. It had been the same dream for years and whichever way it chose to come at her, it was always the same. She was her mother, married and happy and had everything she’d ever dreamed of - and then she’d gotten onto the boat. It was always the same boat, on the same lake in the middle of the same darkness.

She thought that at least there would be something that varied in the darkness, something that would change, but it never did and it was always terrifying. The part that was the scariest to her was knowing that she felt safe and loved, had everything she knew she’d ever need and then knowing that as soon as she got on the boat, she’d lose everything. She would drown and there wouldn’t be a soul who cared enough to save her.

“You could’ve called if you were gonna be here, Eric dear.”

Eric rolled his eyes as his mother ushered his sons into her home. He knew that while she complained about the lack of notice, she loved to see the boys and have them around to dote on. David and Danny were equally as thrilled and once their things were inside, they set to hugging on her as if they could possibly meld together into some kind of grandmother/grandchild cuddle monster. Someday, he’d have to take a picture of it so he could blow it up into a poster sized representation of what love looked like.

“If I’d called, you’d have gone to a lot of trouble to make a huge dinner for all of us when going to a restaurant would’ve sufficed,” he said as he stepped onto his mother’s worn porch and tugged off his shoes. He smiled as his mother frowned at him, knowing that was exactly what would have happened, and he added, “Besides, when was the last time you were taken to have a nice meal you didn’t cook yourself?”

Eric followed his mother inside of her home, noticing that nothing had changed since the last time he’d been here and that, for what it was worth, it looked very much the floor model it had been the first time he’d stepped foot inside.

Five years ago his father died and with all of the death taxes and funeral costs, his mother had been unable to keep the home that she’d loved almost to obsession. Since Eric had been in the way of more money than he could handle, he helped his mother choose a new place that she could love almost as much and aided her with a service that came once a week to clean the house for her.

The house his mother, Gladys Nelson, had chosen for herself was a moderate Victorian-styled two story house with a wrap-around covered porch that allowed her to sit on warm days and enjoy the weather while she drank her homemade tea and read whichever new fiction novel she could get her hands on. The interior of the house was open, with a large kitchen and wooden floors that gleamed in the afternoon sun and created a sense of old-style country home that previously Eric thought only existed in books.

Tina had loved the little home and had always talked about getting one just like it and moving the boys to an out of the way town like the one his mother lived in just to give them the sense of family that pervaded the Victorian as if it was a perfume that had been sprayed into the foundation.

His mother came into view, after first settling the boys into the room that she kept for them, and she hugged him warmly as she tilted her head in the motherly way and asked, “How are you holding up, son?”

Eric pulled himself out of his thoughts - and the memories that swam behind them - and said, “I’m doing about as well as I can, mom. I’ve got everything at the hospital settled and the boys are doing excellent in school.” He paused a minute, Debra’s face popping into his mind’s view, and added, “I’ve found an extraordinary nanny for the boys as well. I couldn’t have been luckier.”

To his surprise, his mother frowned and as she looked around her, making sure the boys were not within hearing range, she said, “I saw that television lady. She had some awful things to say about you.” She stared hard at him for a moment before her furrows lifted. “A mother always knows when her children are doing things that they ought not to do, and I believe that lady has some things she needs to ask forgiveness for.”

Eric sighed. He had been anxious for a moment that he would have to explain to his mother that not everything you heard on television was the truth, especially if it was vicious gossip directed to entertain millions of housewives with nothing better to do.

“I’ve been meaning to handle that situation, I really have. But with work and everything else, the most I can do is ignore it.”

His mother smiled. “I never thought for a second that it was true, son. Of course, there
is
something you’re not telling me.”

Eric folded his arms to his chest. What in the world could she think he was hiding from her? Where in his busy life did he have a place to hide anything?

~*~*~

Recovering from her nap, which in truth took her longer than she thought it would, Debra made herself some lunch and, as usual on a Saturday, she took to sitting in front of the television and attempting to turn into a vegetable. She got about an hour into it before her phone rang.

Moving from the couch reluctantly, not bothering to check the caller identification - which in hindsight later she would kick herself for being too lazy to do - she picked up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Deb? Ah, Deb there you are.” A heartbeat, and then, “I thought maybe you wouldn’t answer.”

It took Debra as long as it took her caller to stammer through a greeting to recognize who the person was. It was then she put the tones together and knew that it was her sister on the other end and thought that maybe her sister was right in thinking that she would have passed up the chance to answer. Debra said, “I did anyway. So, what’s going on?”

Nikki Brayden, formerly known as Nikki Brown, mother of one, married to Robert Brayden, answered, her voice breaking, “Rob called a divorce lawyer. He told me that he’s gonna leave me and that he wants custody of Annie. He wants to take my baby away from me.”

Although Nikki was her sister and she loved her no matter what, Debra internally braced herself for what she knew was coming, for what she could feel being cosmically flung at her as the other shoe dropped.

Nikki took a deep breath, not waiting for the noncommittal replies of,
‘Oh, how sad, that’s awful,’
and she continued, “Would it be alright if Annie and I came down for a few weeks while this, you know, well…,” and there it was, the tears Debra knew were going to fall. Tears were her sister’s fallback method of persuasion.

Nikki knew that Debra had the space to hole them up for however long it took for a divorce to go through, if that indeed was what was going to happen. Debra had been in this position with Nikki before, and like then, the situation had seemed just as dire as it did at this moment. Only, then it had been Nikki’s way of getting to stay at a bed and breakfast for free while she tormented her unbelievably gullible husband. Debra knew he was gullible, mainly because for a time, she herself had found that a charming quality in Robert.

“Deb? Come on Deb. Are you there?”

Debra wondered if she should choose to answer Nikki. She wondered a lot of things in the span of an extremely short time, and she mentally kicked herself. She should have never picked up the phone. She’d admonish herself later for being so cold-hearted where a child was concerned, but at the moment nothing was more true than the fact that Nikki was a life tornado.

Debra asked, “When were you thinking of coming down?” Debra knew that it would take at least twenty four hours by car to drive from where Nikki lived to her little hole scratched into the country. If she flew, Nikki could be in her hair a whole lot sooner.

“Well, actually, I was already thinking you’d say yes, so I’m at the airport. We have a flight tonight, and then I’ll rent a car and be at your place in the morning.”

Debra blinked, had to sit on her couch, gulped some air and then repositioned the phone against her ear. She wanted desperately for someone to walk up into her home and smack her across the face so that she could know that what she’d just heard had actually happened. It was just like Nikki to think that she could do whatever she felt like doing without considering anyone but herself. Of course, given that knowledge, it had to be really happening.

Debra said, “What time in the morning will you be here?”

Nikki chuckled - actually chuckled. “I’ll be there at seven, is that okay? I mean, I could stop off at a restaurant and get some breakfast if you’d rather sleep in or…”

Debra cut her off, “Don’t worry about putting me out now, Nikki.” She waited a moment, heard Nikki inhale and hold her breath, and she continued, “You make sure that child has everything she needs, you understand? We don’t have a lot of the formulas here that most city grocery stores have.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll … I’ll have all of that stuff. I’m glad you said something though, since I’m only thinking of getting away from Robert. He’s being such a pain, and this time…”

“Nikki, I love you, but I have to things to get done. Have a safe flight. Bye now.” Debra hung up the phone, not bothering to wait for a reply, or even a natural knee-jerk goodbye.

~*~*~

Eric looked at his mother, made certain that he found what he was looking for in her expression, and he said, “There’s nothing I’m keeping secret.”

His mother shook her head at him. “Dear, I know you. I might not be there every second of every day with you, but I put diapers on your rear-end and made sure that you had everything you ever needed while you needed it from me. Besides, you should see your face when you talk about that nanny of yours.”

Eric felt his mother touch his shoulder, her face softening. She knew what the loss of a spouse was like, knew that moving on was harder than saying you were going to, and the look in her eyes wasn’t judging him. She said, “Dear, don’t you go falling in love with that woman. But I think you’re halfway there already.”

Eric stared at his mother, unable to speak, and watched as she moved away from him, as she followed after his children while they peeped and chirped for her grandmotherly attention. The shock he felt went from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet and then back up again. There was no way he was falling in love with Debra. That word didn’t exist between them.