Tied Up In Heartstrings (14 page)

Could she be right? Am I hurting myself? Of course I am. I do love him.

Garrett texted this morning and begged me to reconsider Nashville. There’s just no way I can take part in that. I haven’t been able to think of anything else since this morning. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up all night considering what was happening between Garrett and me, and realized this wasn’t what we need in our lives. What we are to each other is lovely, but it’s the wrong time. We’re at such different points in our lives. Neither of us can be expected to give up what it will take to make this relationship work.

“Whit, I’m not what he needs. I realize it, even though, he may not yet, but he will soon! He
needs the freedom to be ‘
The Garrett Freaking McKenna’
he was born to be, not my Garrett. Trying to mold him into my established life is unfair. Believe me, it will break my heart to watch him walk out the door, but it’s time,” I say, pleading that for once she’ll see this my way. I need her to understand, and not keep pushing me toward Garrett. If my feelings for Garrett get any deeper, and things ended badly, I’ll never recover. I’m not sure I’ll recover now, but I’ll be able to move on without having to pick up the pieces of my life. I’m not sure that will be the case for much longer. On top of that, I can’t let Sierra fall anymore in love with him. She already expects him every night for dinner, for playtime, and for bedtime stories.

He’ll be leaving for Nashville tomorrow. If I tell him today, then maybe he’ll stay in Nashville. That would probably be best for now. Seeing him again will be far too hard for me at this point. But I can’t ask him to stay away, he’s done nothing wrong, except make me crave him in ways I didn’t expect and wasn’t ready for.

My phone rings, breaking the uncomfortable silence and the glare of my best friend. I’m desperate to answer it and talk about anything other than Garrett McKenna. I look at the caller ID and it’s a call from Sierra’s school. “SHIT… got to get this. It’s the school,” I explain. I answer the call. It’s from Sierra’s teacher. She assures me that Sierra is fine and tells me she’d like to see me as soon as possible to discuss some things she is witnessing. I tell her I’ll be there in twenty minutes and disconnect the call.

The one thing Whitney understands and tolerates is
me dropping everything to be there for Sierra. She’d never ask me to continue our conversation, even though, I know I’m not completely off the hook. I kiss her cheek and tell her I’ll call her over the weekend.

She smiles a tentative smile and says, “Remember I’m here for you, even if you’re totally screwing up. But please, Dear God, DO NOT let this be the thing to send you back into hiding. Text me and let me know what’s up with Sierra.” I nod.

I arrive at the school and am ushered into the early childhood office. The teachers here are very nice and have been supportive of Sierra and me, even though, Sierra wasn’t in school when her daddy died. They know the history, and they are careful when handling situations where dads are part of the classroom or when there are activities involving crafts for dads.

“Hi, Mrs. Phillips. Thanks so much for coming in on such short notice,” Sierra’s teacher says when she enters the class. She’s a wonderful grandmotherly type. I know her well, since I’ve had numerous conversations with her regarding Sierra’s behavior. Usually, I don’t have to come into the school right away. I’m hoping whatever has happened this time isn’t too serious.

“Sure,” I reply.

“Mrs. Phillips, today we had an incident I want to tell you about. I’m very concerned for all parties involved.” I nod, accepting that I’m likely being judged as a horrible parent, who allows her four year old to act out. “It seems Sierra is targeting a child negatively in the classroom with bullying type behavior.”

I’m shocked. Sierra is bossy and sassy at times, but not violent. What the hell? I can sense my guard going up, prepping to defend my child to the fullest extent. “Well, Ms. Davis, I find that a bit hard to believe. Maybe you can give me some examples of what you’re considering bullying,” I challenge, refusing to allow this lady to villainize my child. She’s not a bad kid.

“The other child in this situation is the child of a single parent, a dad. It appears that Sierra has been harassing this child, telling her that her daddy will probably die soon, because daddies don’t stay.” She’s waiting for a response from me, but she gets none, since I’m dumbfounded. “…
and also, Sierra has created a club, and only the children with mommies can be included. Sierra is intentionally excluding this little girl. Mrs. Phillips, we aren’t saying Sierra is a bad kid. We are concerned that she is dealing with her father’s passing in a way that is adversely affecting her education and her peer relationships. We felt it was very important for you to know, right away, what was happening.”

I feel the tears in my eyes and on my cheek before I can muster the strength to will them away. I’m heartbroken for my little girl. She is obviously hurting and I haven’t seen it. Why didn’t I see this coming? “Oh my…Ms. Davis, I’m not sure what to say except that I’ll talk to Sierra. I’ll do whatever it takes to help her deal with this in a more healthy way.” She passes me a box of tissues and comes to sit in the chair adjoining mine. She rubs my arm gently and tells me it’ll be okay. Although, I’m not actually sure it will be, I’ll make it the best I can for Sierra’s sake.

I leave the school and drive around. There’s not a real reason to go home, since I need to be back to pick up Sierra in one hour. I just drive and drive. I find myself parked in the lot of a garden nursery. This is the nursery Jed & I came to with the landscape designer to map out the landscaping of our lot. It was a fun day. I had just found out we were expecting Sierra. I was blissfully happy that day. Jed was beaming at me all day, and I felt like the most special girl in the world. 

I sit in the parking lot remembering, and crying about all the hurt my little girl must feel. This wasn’t the life that Jed and I spent endless hours planning for. It’s heartbreaking that, even though, we have so much, the one thing Sierra needs and
wants, I can’t give her.

When I pick up my perfect little girl, I slap on my happy face and put on her favorite music. I pop her into the car seat in the back of the Jeep. It’s a beautiful day, so I’ve pushed the top back and blared the music. She smiles big. “Hey Mama, can we get ice cream?” she asks. She’s adorable with her cute little braided
pig tails.

“Anything you want, sweet girl,” I say. We’re riding down the road toward our favorite ice cream shop when she yells, “Mama, can we listen to Garrett?”

What the hell…I am playing her favorite Taylor Swift album and she wants Garrett’s songs instead? This is exactly the problem. He’s consuming us both. “Sure, baby girl,” I say, reaching for my iPod to change the playlist.

I’m stressed beyond belief. I still haven’t responded to Garrett’s text. I need to have a serious conversation with him tonight, and then send him back to Nashville as soon as possible. I really don’t have the time and energy to put forth to be in a relationship with all that’s happening with Sierra. She’ll need my undivided attention for now. I’m worried sick about her. I need to call Kate and
Cami to see what they think. Maybe she needs therapy! I’m such a crack pot of a mother that I didn’t notice this. I’ve been so wrapped up in Garrett that I’m screwing up my kid.

When we get home, Sierra runs upstairs to play, and I turn on the baby monitor that I keep downstairs so I can listen to her play. It makes this big house feel less empty. And since I need to understand what she’s feeling and almost five year olds aren’t that great at explaining their emotions without throwing themselves onto the floor and screaming, I’m eavesdropping on her playtime.

I suppose it’s time to make that dreaded phone call, so that we can move on and I can focus on taking care of Sierra. I pick up my cell phone. It’s been hours since I checked it last. Fifteen missed calls, six texts. UGH….

Garrett:
Lex, are you intentionally ignoring my invitation to Nashville?

Yes…I totally was at the time, but after the conversation I plan to have later, he’ll likely hate me.
So it doesn’t really matter. I’m such a bitch!

Garrett: U ok? Where are you, sweetheart? Worried :/

Doesn’t he have other things to do other than check up on me throughout the day? I’m sure he has many way more important people vying for his time. I’m a distraction to him, too.

Jason
: Hey sis. What’s up? Haven’t talked to you in a couple days. You good? Love ya. Call me tonight!

Damn…
I need to call him. And I need to talk to Kate about Sierra.

Whit: What happened at the school? Did my feisty god-daughter tell the teachers where to go again? ;)  Love that kiddo!

Nope…it’s way worse… I’ll have to call her tomorrow. I have enough to deal with today.

Garrett: If you
’re busy, can you just say that? Text me please…I just need to know you’re okay.

He sounds a bit pissed
in that text, which is surprising. He’s usually so patient with me. I need to quickly text a reply, until I can make the phone call later. I need to mentally prepare for this conversation, and that will start with a nice bottle of wine.

Me: Doing Fine. Will talk later. Super Busy.

My phone chirps right away.

Garrett:
Too Late…On my way! I’ll wait until you have time.

Shit…Shit…Shit… I don’t want to do this yet. I needed time to prepare. I need Sierra to be sleeping
so that I can soak in my sorrows after I send him away. NO…He just can’t come over now.

Me: Sorry…not a good time. Will call you later.

And then I hear the door bell and little feet running down the stairs. “Sierra, do not open that door. It could be a stranger,” I say, but she continues toward the door anyway.

“It’s not a stranger, Mama, it’s Garrett. I saw his truck in my window.” It would be so much
better if he would go away for a few hours. I really don’t need Sierra to be more invested in this than she already is.

“Baby girl, you go play. Mama needs to talk to Garrett,” I say, as I open the door.

Instead of running up to play she lunges into his arms as soon as the door is fully open. He’s kneeling down, because he anticipated her reaction. “Hi, Garrett, I missed you. Mama and I listened to your songs in the car.”

He smiles at her and looks at me tentatively. “You did? Did you like them, princess?”

She nods her head up and down so fast her little body is bouncing. “Yep, they’re my favorite,” she says, before he places her back onto her feet and kisses her forehead.

“I’m glad, princess. You’re definitely my favorite fan.” She’s skipping off to the stairs and back up to play, singing one of Garrett’s song as she goes.

Here I am thinking about just myself when what I’m about to do will likely hurt Sierra just as much. This is exactly why they say not to bring boyfriends into your kids’ lives until you know they’re going to stick. But he wasn’t my boyfriend. He was a friend, and that’s all I ever expected this to be. I certainly never expected things to progress so quickly with him. I hate this. I hate the whole situation. I hate that I opened myself up to whatever this is. I hate that I crave him so much that I have to restrain myself from climbing into his arms for comfort right now. In just a few short weeks he’s become entrenched.

He looks at me. “Alexis, what’s going on, sweetheart?”  His eyes are pleading with me to spill my heart out, but I don’t really know where to begin. It’s been such a bad day, one of the worst I’ve had in a while.

“I’m not really ready to talk yet, Garrett. I tried to text you, but you showed up.” He’s wounded by my words. I can see it.

“
Lex, I was really worried. I didn’t come here to force you into a conversation. I just needed to see that you’re okay. If you don’t want me here, I’ll leave, but please don’t make me stay away for too long, babe. I have to head up to Nashville tomorrow, and I’m going to miss you like crazy for those few days.”

I feel awful pushing him away, but it needs to be done before we’re in too deep to recover. “I’m sorry, Garrett, but I don’t think I’ll be ready for a while. I’ll walk you outside so we can talk more.”

This cannot be happening. I knew something was up with her today when she wouldn’t respond to my texts or calls. I was hoping she wasn’t ignoring me, but now I see that she was. Damn it, I’ll give her a few hours to sort this shit out, but if she thinks I’m going to be able to stay away longer than that, she’s crazy. I can’t. I won’t be able to leave town knowing things aren’t okay with her.  I’m not sure what happened, but I’ll damn well get to the bottom of it today.

“
Lex, I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, and I’m worried I’ve done something to upset you. Shit, I’m pissed that you’re upset, period. I want you to give me a chance to fix whatever’s wrong in your world. If you’re not ready to talk, you need me to go, I will, but please let me say goodbye to Sierra before I do.” Her eyes are very full of unshed tears, and I can see she’s holding onto them with everything she has.

I have no idea what’s happened today. She was quiet this morning when I left. I know she had a lot going on. I’m replaying everything in my head from last night and this morning, analyzing every detail, trying to figure out what could have gone wrong.  I can’t think of anything. It’s all been great! We’ve spent lots of time together. I’m here almost every night for dinner and I sleep in her bed every night. We connect like freaking magnets physically. Damn…what the hell happened?

“Sierra, can you please come her a second?” She calls out up the staircase. A few seconds later, I hear my sweet girl skipping along, singing one of my songs. It usually makes me feel funny hearing other people sing my music, but hearing the lyrics out of this little girl’s mouth, I’m overjoyed. I’m also sad as hell, because I’m not sure when Lex will let me back in. She’s pushing me out.

“Yes, Mama?” she asks.

“Baby, Garrett needs to go…he just wanted to say goodbye before he left.”

Sierra sticks out her bottom lip and pouts. “But, Mama, I wanted to go swimming with Garrett tonight, and you said we could all finish our puzzle tonight and, and, Garrett is better at the bedtime stories, because his people have funny voices.”

Damn, this sucks, but I can’t let Alexis be the one to disappoint Sierra right now. I’m not sure she could handle that. “Listen, princess, I want to do all those things with you tonight, too, but I have to get ready for a big show on Saturday night. So would you mind if we did that another time?”

Her bottom lip is quivering and her little eyes are overflowing with tears. “But, that’s not what we were going to do tonight.” I hate this just as much as she does.

Alexis stands to the side watching the interaction with her arms crossed, almost as if she was hugging herself. She has a few tears leaking down her cheeks, but she quickly sweeps them away. “I’m preparing a special surprise for the show in Nashville, Saturday. I’m going to sing a very special song and I’ll send the video to your mama’s phone, if that’s okay?” I look to Alexis for confirmation and she nods her head. 

”Okay,” Sierra says giving in. I kneel with both knees on the ground and scoop her into a big bear hug. “I love you, Garrett.” She says and I melt into a pile of gush.

“I love you, too, princess. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

She’s placated for now. I’m not really sure how long it will last. She’s such a great kid. I’ve never really seen her upset or throw a fit. I feel bad that she’s upset now, but I can’t make it up to her mama if she won’t tell me what the hell I did in the first place.

Alexis walks out the door with her arms still wrapped around her body. We walk to stand beside my truck. “I see that you’re upset. Please, just tell me what I can do to make this better,” I say to her, placing my hands on her arms, willing her to speak to me. And right then, she falls apart into a puddle of tears. I want to kiss all those damn tears off this girl’s face. It wrecks me to see her cry. What makes it worse is I think I’ve caused them, but I don’t know how. I would give anything in the world to make them go away and for a smile to replace that sad, lonely expression. She’s sobbing, so I pick her up, open the truck door, place her in the driver’s seat and stand in front of her, holding her. I’ll stand here all night if I have to.

“Babe, I’m really worried here. What’s going on?” She lifts her precious head and looks at me with eyes still full of tears. I kiss every tear streak I can see on her cheeks. I refuse to be the one who caused this, and not the one to try and make it better. At this point, I really don’t care who caused it. I still want to be the one to fix it. I love this girl. I really, really love this
girl, both these girls...Like crazy love them.

“Garrett, I can’t do this. I can’t,” she’s gasping through her tears, “anymore,” gasp “not with you.”  Continuing to cry, “It’s wrong, I’m wrong. We don’t fit.” Okay…so is this is the cause of the tears?
Because we don’t fit? I can’t imagine anyone fitting better in my life. What am I missing? This girl is the missing piece in my life. She’s made my complicated life suddenly work in just a few short weeks. She’s made me feel like I fit in, in the real world.

“
Lex, look at me…I can’t imagine anyone fitting better in my life, sweetheart.  Tell me why you think that.”

She shrugs her shoulders and looks at me. “It’s just that you’re Garrett McKenna, and I can’t drop everything in my life to be a superstar’s girlfriend. You deserve someone that can.”

Did I ever tell her she’d have to give up her life to be part of mine? I’d give up my entire world to be part of hers. This is exactly what the guys and I have been talking about the last few weeks. “Sweetheart, I’d never want you to give up anything on my behalf. Baby, I want to add to your life, not take away from it. Is that the reason for all these tears?”

She shakes her head. “Just a few of them.”

“Ok…what are the rest of these tears for?” She shakes her head forcefully.

“No, I can’t talk about that right now.” She says with a panicked expression. “Garrett, I know you are
soooo special. And the girl that earns your heart eventually… the right girl… she’ll be so very lucky. But I’m not her. I’m broken and not really fixable. I don’t know if I ever will be. So what I need, right now, is for you to get in this truck and drive away before we wreck each other. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and Sierra…I have to be more careful. I’m sorry…but...please,” she pleads, as she slides out of the truck and out of my grasp. “I’m really sorry, Garrett. Please, forgive me.”

I’m speechless. She’s telling me goodbye…like permanently… not just for the night. Not on my fucking life…She can’t… I won’t let her… I love her.

“Sweetheart, are you pushing me away because I’m not making you happy, or because you think you’re not what I need? I really need you to tell me before I make my next move, Lex.” She looks to me, shaking her head.

“No, you are
‘Garrett McKenna the huge star’
. The person you cherish in this life needs to be one that will move mountains to be beside you and take care of you. Not someone who you’ll have to mold yourself around to fit into their already established life, especially not one that is broken and needs so much time and work to repair. You have no idea how broken I really am.”

“Alexis, it’s me who’s unworthy, sweetheart. What kind of man is lucky enough to find the girl of his dreams ten years ago, screw up enough that I miss out on the chance of a lifetime, only for it to come back to me all these years later? Baby, it’s you I want, just you, and that little blond inside the house. I want to cherish you both.” I accidently let a single tear escape the tear fortress. Even grown men get emotional every once in a while.

“Garrett…I don’t think you understand….I’m not…..” She’s not relenting. I can see in her eyes that she is still playing tug-of-war with her heart and her fear. I need to put a stop to this, quickly. I can’t let her continue to tell herself, or me, that she isn’t good enough. She’s better than good enough. She’s the best!

“
Lex, shut the hell up! I don’t want to hear any more about how unworthy of being in my life you are. It’s insulting! If you think, for one minute, that I’m walking out that door because you believe, in that overly smart brain of yours, that you aren't what I need, you really have gone bat-shit crazy! There is no way I’m letting you push me away. NO.WAY.BABY! I’m staying. I’m keeping you, and I’m keeping the cute little blond upstairs, too. I don't know how many more ways I can tell you, but YOU are exactly what I need and want and most importantly, what I can’t fucking live without!” She smiles. Thank Holy Christ! I’ve never needed to see someone smile more than right at this moment. Damn…I love this girl, but I can’t tell her now… that could send her into another tailspin.

I’ve never wanted to give a girl anything, ever. Now I want to give her everything and anything she wants. Hell, she can have my last name if that would make her happy. I know for sure it would make me the happiest man in the world!
 

“Garrett, you make me feel things I’m not sure I am ready for, things I haven’t ever felt before, not even with Jed. I’ve never connected with anyone else like this, and it scares me because you’ve made me need you. But at the same time what Jed gave in regards to parenting Sierra, I don't think she'll ever have that again. And that makes me sad, too.
 This is complicated, and I feel guilty for wanting what we have. You’ll have to sacrifice so much to be part of us, Sierra and me. I just want more for you. Simple as that.”

That’s it! She needs to know how I feel so that she’ll see what walking away would do to me.

“Lex, I love you like crazy, sweetheart! I was afraid to tell you too soon, and give you one more reason to run for the hills, but babe...” I pause to gather my nerve, “seriously, I think I loved you the minute I met you ten years ago. Your pretty little eyes have always seen right through me. You've always seen the real me, even when I didn't think anyone ever would see past the voice and guitar.

“Baby, all I want is for you to let me hold you, kiss you, and love you. I want that more than my next breath, it’s not a sacrifice, sweetheart, ever,” I say. “What you had with Jed in regards to parenting Sierra, no baby, you'll never have that again. It'll always be different. But different doesn't have to be bad. We can make it good. I don't know the first thing about little girls. I do know that little girl makes my heart sing in ways I’ve never known. I also know there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do to keep her from harm. Babe, she's a part of you. I instinctively love her with all my being, since all my being is wrapped up in you.
 I want to take care of you girls. Stop pushing me away and let me.”